Sign #11: You just woke up but have no idea when you drifted off.
Sign #12: Your teeth hurt because you are so exhausted.
Sign #13: You watch the television with subtitles because you are too terrified to allow any volume, no matter how low, because it could wake the baby.
Sign #14: Your pyjamas are your happy place.
Sign #15: Your loved ones spend their days walking on eggshells in the hope that you’ll make it through the day without crying.
Sign #16: You walked home from the supermarket because you’d forgotten you’d driven there. When you got home and discovered it wasn’t on your driveway, you phoned the police and reported that your car had been stolen.
Sign #17: You have perfected the army crawl to freedom which enables you to sneak out of the room without disturbing your sleeping baby.
Sign #18: You don’t know what would happen if you ran out of coffee first thing in the morning because you simply cannot ever let them happen.
Sign #19: You cleaned your teeth with face wash this morning.
Sign #20: Luckily you were so tired you’d accidentally used your partner’s toothbrush.
Sign #21: You spend your time coming up with new words to describe how exhausted you are. All of the other words simply don’t capture the true suffering of new parents. The new words are an amalgamation of the word tired and every single swear word you can think of.
Sign #22: You know the entire t.v. schedule for the early hours of the morning off by heart.
Sign #23: You and your partner spend at least half an hour each day arguing over who is more tired. It’s you, obviously, though he’ll never admit that.
Sign #24: You just spent fifteen minutes trying to find your phone and only realised it was in your hand when you tried to use it to ring yourself. And that’s not the first time that has happened.
Sign #25: The only real clothes you wear these days are the ones that look very much like pyjamas. Right now, you’re wearing yoga pants.
Sign #26: You sometimes wonder whether parenthood is supposed to feel quite so much like torture.
Sign #27: You feel secretly annoyed at all of your friends, family and the media for not warning you of how drained you would feel as a new parent.
Sign #28: In fact, it’s so bad that you long for the comparatively restful nights of pregnancy insomnia.
Sign #29: You rock constantly, because you’re too sleepy to notice you aren’t actually holding a baby.
Sign #30: You are pretty much always asleep but with your eyes open, and in the supermarket.