Perhaps unsurprisingly, pushing a baby out of your vagina can lead to some discomfort.
‘Some discomfort’ is the technical term for ‘spending days crying in the bath because your fanny hurts so much’.
Seriously, look it up. Your lady bits probably took quite a beating during the birth.
You may not even recognise them right now (if you haven’t looked, DON’T, not yet, give it time to heal).
They’re probably the wrong colour, the wrong shape and just plain wrong right now. Don’t worry, things will improve.
Most women are aware childbirth is going to be a little ouchy, but new mamas are rarely warned about the Holy Crap Factor of soreness in the days following the birth.
If you’ve recently pushed a baby out of your hooha, chances are you’ve been affected by postpartum vaginal ow-ness. Symptoms of postpartum vaginal pain include:
- Crying in the bath. A lot.
- Walking like John Wayne.
- Sitting down slowly.
- Avoiding walking. And standing. And moving.
- A deep-seated and obsessive fear that you will always be in pain down there now (you won’t).
- Talking a lot about your ‘sore fanny’.
Some women take painkillers, others rely on regular warm baths, some pour warm water on themselves when they pee and some simply power through the pain.
It won’t last long, but can be pretty damn uncomfortable for the first week or so. If you’re looking for something to soothe your burning bits, look no further than….
Vagina Ice Pops
Most new mamas are too busy rocking, feeding, changing and bonding to worry about how to soothe their swollen vajazzle.
Luckily for one mama, her husband was on hand to solve the problem for her and came up with vagina ice pops.
These are not ice pops shaped like vaginas (though these would probably be very popular in the kind of run down seaside resorts that attract hen and stag parties at the weekends), but ice pops for your vagina.
Note, there are not for internal use. I probably should have said that before – sorry if you just clamped your thighs so tightly closed that you have further bruised your undercarriage.
Vagina ice pops are designed to rest between your legs. Don’t worry, you don’t have to stick anything up there until you feel ready.
The How To
‘But how do you make vagina ice pops?’ the internet cries. Well, fear not, it’s actually very simple.
Martin Wanless, connoisseur of the iced prophylactic, explained how to make them over on Dad. All you need is a condom (remember those? Ah, the benefits of pregnancy), some water and a freezer.
First, ask your partner to fetch a condom and laugh in his face when he thinks this is because you might want to have sex so soon after giving birth.
Then, simply fill the condom with water, put it in the freezer and then ask your elderly granny to fetch you some ice cream, film her reaction to your freezer full of frozen condoms, upload the video to Facebook and make her a viral sensation.
Or, just get one and rest it between your legs to soothe your pain. Up to you.
Remember, size doesn’t matter here so there’s no need to show off with how big you can get those water filled condoms. You want it to sit comfortably between your legs. There’s no need to overfill to the point of bursting, though it is always fun to play with water balloons on hot days.
Have you tried a vagina ice lolly and, if so, did it work? (Either to soothe your pain or make your granny a YouTube star.)
Well, now that we’ve got that out of the way, it’s time to talk about The First Postpartum Poop – 1o Things You Need To Know.