When One Partner Wants More Babies and the Other Does Not

When One Partner Wants More Babies and the Other Does Not

In an ideal world, you would always want the same things as your partner. In reality, however, compromise is an important part of every relationship. You may compromise on which take out you have for dinner, what you watch on television, and even what you name your child. But what if you disagree about how many children to have, can you compromise on that?

You may have discussed family size before committing to your partner, but that doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind. It’s easy to decide how many children you will have without really knowing what it is like to be a parent. Health, finances, fertility and careers can also impact on this decision.

You may not even have discussed family size before committing to each other, or perhaps hoped you would eventually agree. Whatever the reasons for the disagreement, this can be a tricky subject to discuss.

Why Doesn’t He/She Want More Children?

Common reasons for not wanting more children include:

  • Finances – with more children, comes greater financial responsibility. Can you afford to have another child, and how would you make ends meet?
  • Family time – you may already feel short of time, and another child could exacerbate this. Do you have enough time to spend with your current children, at your job, with you partner, and could you find extra time to spend with another child?
  • The demands of pregnancy and/or birth – some people are put off by pregnancy and birth. If the pregnancy, birth or recovery were particularly hard on you or your partner, this could be causing some reluctance.
  • Love – some parents worry they wouldn’t love a second child as much as their first. This worry is easily disputed by talking to parents of big families. Many second time parents are surprised at just how much they can love their next baby. Check out BellyBelly’s article, Loving Two.
  • Couple time – if you are just emerging out of the baby stage, and have finally reached a time where you are able to enjoy each other again, that could explain resistance. You may finally feel like a couple again, and be reluctant to lose that valued time again.
  • Having a challenging firstborn/subsequent child – if your first child could be described as a handful, you may be less keen on the idea of taking on another child

So, what should you do when one partner wants more babies and the other does not?

1. Keep An Open Mind

Whichever side of the disagreement you are on, make sure you keep an open mind. Listen to the other person’s feelings, and explain yours as best you can. Instead of feeling like you’re on opposite sides of a fence, focus on the fact that you need to work through this issue together. If you keep a closed mind and don’t attempt to understand your partner’s feelings and reasonings, you’ll make it difficult for your partner to open up to you. In which case, you may never find out the real reasons behind them not wanting to have more children. For example, they may blame work or money pressures, when in fact they’re missing couple time and intimacy with you. Finding out the root cause and then having a chance to address it can really make a huge difference.

2. Take Time To Talk

This is not the kind of conversation you can have while putting on a load of laundry, making dinner, and calming down an excitable toddler. This is an important discussion that deserves both time and space in order to be properly resolved. Create some child-free time to give yourselves chance to talk. Set aside a few hours, and avoid alcohol – you need to be clear headed to talk about your family’s future.

3. Have A Safe Space

Set some ground rules for the discussion. Both parties should be honest, and feel able to express their true feelings. Equally, both parties should listen to what the other person has to say, and avoid reacting emotionally.

4. A Chance To Talk

Start the discussion by asking your partner how he feels about having another baby, and why. Listen to all of his points, don’t interrupt, and try to see things from his point of view. Once he’s finished, it’s your turn to explain how you feel. Address his concerns, and identify your own feelings about this issue.

5. Work Out Why

You should each try to work out why you feel the way you do. Are you scared of going through the first year again, worried you won’t love another baby, or concerned about the financial implications of another child? Or are you try to replicate your own childhood, worried about your biological clock, or feeling less needed now that your children are growing up? Take some time to discuss the reasons behind your wants, and see if this helps to find a compromise.

6. Look At It As For Now, Not Forever

You may find that one of you changes your mind in the future. If you cannot reach an agreement now, you could set a date to discuss it again a year from now. In the meantime, you could try individual or couple counselling to try and get to the bottom of your feelings. It may help you to deal with any feelings of resentment building up as a result of this decision.

This can be a decisive topic, and may leave you feeling disappointed, hurt or even resentful towards your partner. Try not to dwell on it. Remember, your partner isn’t trying to hurt you, he or she is just being honest about how he feels. If you feel you need to, spend some time repairing your relationship and building intimacy and connection. Remember why you fell in love with each other and spend some quality time as a family, as well as a couple. It is so important to remember that the kids are watching everything… including relationship dynamics. They will one day walk in your footsteps as they enter relationships of their own and will draw on what they saw growing up. Seeing a relationship as something that requires its own special time to nurture, as well as a being a place of teamwork, love and great communication, will help them choose great partners who are capable of the same.

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  1. My husband wants more kids, but I don’t. We already have two. Our oldest is 21 months and our youngest is 5 months. I feel like I’ve been pregnant forever. Hes active duty military and I’m the stay at home mommy. So I’m the one taking care of everything. 24/7 and when he is home he just wants to be by himself or out with his friends. I told him I don’t want anymore kids but he said that if I don’t he’ll resent me and that’s the end of the conversation…. I’m really unhappy.

    1. I’m so sorry that things are that way… I don’t want any more either, I have a 6 month old daughter and if I could I would go get my tubes tied but my husband said that we will be having at least two sons… I honestly don’t think I could handle another one and I don’t even want to. I love it just being one child, she has all of our extra time, she gets almost all of our money, and because we have just one we are stable and things aren’t to hectic. But he said he wants a wife who will give him a son so I’m worried that in the future he might leave me for someone who will give him a son…:(

      1. What the hell kind of a spouse is that? He does realize it’s up to his manliness what is provided and that it’s not up to just him…and the fact that you can’t trust that he loves you enough to stay with you already proves what kind of a crap “partner” that is and you deserve better

  2. I am having such a hard time. I want 1 more. We have a 4 year old boy and a 2 year old boy. I have always wanted 3, and ALWAYS wanted a girl. He only ever wanted 1. Both kids were conceived on birth control, my first when I was 19 (we have been together since I was 15). He is so against it. He doesnt even want to talk about it. We talked for a breif time driving to the store. I am starting to have a resentment toward him at this point, but I dont want to force him into anything either.

    1. Same as you. Even boys the same ages. Although, I take another boy in a heartbeat. I agreed to wait a year, last year. Then we supposed to start trying and now he changed his mind. I don’t want to agree to another year wait, but I have a limited window in which I want to get pregnant because of work. I definitely resent him. I’m to the point of no baby means no marriage.

    2. I’m feeling this way as well. I’m 33 and my husband is 36 . We have been together since middle school and got married at 18 right after high school. He is MY BEST FRIEND . We waited a few years after getting married before we had kids. We PLANNED BOTH OF OUR CHILDREN.. Now we have a 10yr old Boy and 12 year old girl. And over the past 4 years I’ve had some miscarriages…(NONE of which were planned pregnancies, and NONE of the Pregnancies my husband was happy about )so after losing the babies I WAS DEVASTATED bc I WANT ANOTHER BABY !! I have 2 older siblings and ive always wanted 3 kids. But my husband is happy with having 1 boy and 1 girl and tells me , We should be happy and content with the 2 we WERE BLESSED with.. and don’t get me wrong. IM EXTREMELY HAPPY WITH OUR 2KIDS !! I’m a stay at home mom, and love being a mom. I have EXTREMELY HARD pregnancies , with every Pregnancy I’ve had. I puke from the 1 st day till I give birth. AND I’m ALLERGIC TO THE PREGNANCY HORMONES your body produces while Pregnant!! So I ITCH LIKE CRAZY!! I make my skin bleed from itching it so bad ! And there’s NOTHING that can be done EXCEPT giving Birth and having the hormone gone.. AND …..Then our 2nd child born (our son ) has HAD ALOT.of medical issues since birth. We lost his Twin Brother at Birth and then at 5 yrs old ,he was Diagnosed Autistic, and we’ve had an EXTREMELY HARD past few years. That’s why I waited so long before talking about having another. But NOW our son is Happy, Content and Stable on his medication and I FINALLY feel like it’s TIME !! But since our kids are so “old ” my Husband Doesnt wanna “Start Over ” but I feel like he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from.. Women only have a Certain amount of “Child Bearing Years ” MEN DONT .. And the further I get in my 30s the more terrified I get, that “LIFE (AKA , MY BODY) is going to take the option away from me.

      So bc of ALL WE HAVE ALREADY DEALT WITH , with My Pregnancies and our children I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND why my husband is Hesitant .. he keeps saying “, Our kids will be 18 over the next few
      Years and we will have a Life again lol.. So why start completely over ?”

      But I miss the feeling of holding a baby, I miss the feeling of Being Pregnant ( not the bad stuff lol ) But I Miss how it felt to feel my Baby move inside of me .. and it KILLS ME TO THINK THAT ILL NEVER FEEL THAT AGAIN.. I IUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO… I don’t feel like it’s fair for my husband to just say “NOPE, NO MORE ” and me have to Go along with that…

      🙁 🙁 🙁

  3. my fiance soon to be husband and i have two beautiful girls, he wants to try for a boy. but i dont want to try for anything. Im happy with my girls…

  4. Im the only female I know who actually wants more kids but my husband is the one who doesnt..we have two kids a boy and a girl which is “perfect” but I’m just not done..my heart hurts just thinking about it but my husbant doesnt want the financial or physical stress of another baby..it truly breaks my heart when he says no and I don’t know what to do..

    1. This is how I feel I have a 4 year old son and a 2 year old daughter I found having them so close hard but now that she’s almost 3 I am ready for number 3. My husband just flat out says no! I try to understand his point of view but it hurts I just don’t feel done. I think about it all the time

  5. Im the opposite i want another one and we need to be a yr ahead, i need to put insurance on before we try and my hubby is reluctant to plan ahead wanting 4 years between our first n second where my planning allows for 3 .. should i wait the extra year or try harder for what i want?

  6. Me and my partner have been together for 5yrs we had our first baby boy on our 2yr anniversary. Ever since I was a teenager I always said I never ever ever wanted kids cause of my 4sisters. I don’t want a very big family cause I tend to get anxiety around more then 6 people in a combined space. Our son is now 3 yrs old and I think NOW is the perfect time to try for another child. His been giving me mixed signals like “oh we need a bigger place, we need to be more financial stable I need to have a stable job and not worry about getting fired for any reason at all” all of them boxes have been ticked off the list we are in a much better place then we were when we first got together and had our first child…. I feel like there’s something missing I just want another one its not like I want 6 children

  7. Me and my husband have been together for 19years and we have 3 kids 18y, 15y and a 10y.
    I thought I was done and didn’t want anymore baby’s but now I desesperately want one last baby. I just turne 39 years old and don’t have much time but my husband doesn’t want another baby and I don’t know what to do.
    I think about another baby day and night and I know he also love baby’s. This is now destroying our meridge.
    What should I do?

    1. I am 38 and we have a 3 year old boy. I thought we were on track for baby #2 this month but suddenly my husband changed his mind…I am going a bit crazy because I was all mentally prepared and idk what to do. I don’t think I can necessarily wait a year for him to settle into the idea again just because I am getting older by the minute…what happened in your situation?

  8. I have been meried for 19years and we have 3 kids 18y, 15y and a 10y.
    I thought I was done and didn’t want anymore baby’s but now I desesperately want one last baby. I just turne 39 years old and don’t have much time but my husband doesn’t want another baby and I don’t know what to do.
    I think about another baby day and night and I know he also love baby’s. This is now destroying our meridge.
    What should I do?

  9. I have a 1 year old and a 2 year old. My fiancé has an 8 year old and a 12 year old. From the start, I told him I wanted more children. He’s had a vasectomy and initially said he would be ok with having a reversal. He has his children every other week and I have mine all the time. We are both early 30s. I feel like I’m losing time and worry I will forever regret not having another. Or resent him. I feel it was unfair for him to begin the relationship by saying he wasn’t against more. He says he was being truthful, but having everyone together he decided he didn’t want more. He says that he felt like he had new babies bc mine were so young when we started dating. Should a let go of a great relationship because he doesn’t want more?

  10. I have a daughter from a previous marriage (7yo) and another daughter (3yo) from this marriage. This last deliver was very traumatic and hard it also lead to getting postpartum depression and still struggling with depression. Meds after meds and i finally feel at a point where i can breathe and enjoy my life. My kids are out of diapers and im feeling better. But my husband says if we dont have more kids he will be unhappy. Makes me feel like we are not enought to make him happy, like we need third child. I feel like I’m in a loose-loose siuation, if I give in and have this baby I risk getting depression again, or getting on medication again, deal w painful biirth and pregnancy, then the sleepless nights…or i dont have another kid and he will be unhappy which in turn will make me feel unhappy. Then, what if he leaves me?
    Feel torn.

    1. I feel exactly the same as you. I had 3 children but we lost one of the younger two (twins) to meningitis.

      The pregnancy with the twins was so hard and for a year after I had loads of health problems and paranoia. I finally started feeling better for a while before we lost my gorgeous little girl.
      My oldest is disabled so needs more attention than most.

      We already have had a lot of things that are supposedly unusual and low risk happen with our children (a disability, twins, meningitis) so I’m worried something will go wrong.

      I am worried we won’t be able to give the two we have left the time and attention they need, and I don’t want to go through possible health problems again.

      Mine are also 7 (from another man, but he only sees him about 1ce every 2 years) and 3 and I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel like you’re in a loose loose situation. He said we should talk about it again in 6 months but I don’t think he’ll change his mind and I don’t think I’ll change mine.

      We very rarely disagree and when we do we can compromise. I don’t see a compromise with this though.

      1. I think although it is important to compromise, be open and reflect on what you want…it is always wrong to bring a child into the world that is not properly wanted. In the end, it is your body and therefore your choice whether to get pregnant. He should not push you into something you do not want, although a woman should also not force a man to be a father if he does not want to.

  11. My gf and I have 2. A 18mo girl and a 2mo boy. That’s all I ever wanted was a boy and a girl, in that order but the girl came first, not a big deal though. She wants 4 total. I just told her I don’t want anymore for very specific and completely logical reasons considering our situation, she was dead silent so i got to fully explain my reasoning… She gave me the cold shoulder completely. I’m pretty sure she resents me and we will end up splitting up. This is why I still haven’t married her because I don’t want to get divorced..

    1. WOW! No more kids and no actual commitment? I’d give you the cold shoulder too. Just leave her then if you already have your mind made up that you will and want too.

      1. This is an old comment but seriously? You couldn’t have been nice and given him advice. He clearly came here for support. I hope he figured out what to do. I hope he is happy and I hope they compromised or talked it out and made it work for the both of them. Maybe they aren’t together anymore and maybe they are married now. Anyway, just because he is a guy and wrote on here saying he doesn’t want anymore and that he is nervous to get married because he doesn’t want to get divorced doesn’t mean he deserves to get shamed. You don’t know his past, or why he is hesitant to marry her. A ton of people are hesitant to get married because they are afraid they will get divorced. It may have nothing to do with their partner. It may just be solely on their past experiences.

        I am married and have a daughter with my husband. I am somewhat in a similar situation. I want more. My heart is telling me I am not done yet. But my husband says he only wants 1 boy and 1 girl., but if we had another girl he would be soo happy. Even if we had 2 boys he would be soo happy.
        I feel like I am running out of time. I am only 21, but I have PCOS and that can cause infertility. I am worried I will be unable to conceive if we wait any longer. We have pushed it off because we are trying to get through college and getting a house and a new car. But I feel like if we don’t do it soon I’ll never be able to have anymore babies. This may sound stupid. But it is just what I am worried about.

  12. I’m in the same boat I have a boy his 11years from my first boyfriend and my girl shes 4years from the man I’m married with now I want one baby more but he don’t want I’m so unhappy really

  13. I’m 30 yrs old and my husband is 37 we’ve been married for 8yrs and we have a beautiful 6yrs old daughter. For the past 2 yrs I’ve been wanting another baby and even my daughter asks that she wants a baby brother or sister and he says no. When my daughter was 3yrs old I asked him if we could try for another baby and he said no that when our daughter would get older and ask for it that we would think about having another baby. Now my daughter is 6yrs old and he says no that he doesn’t want anymore kids that because he’s old. I just don’t want for my daughter to be an only child I’m the oldest of 4 and he’s the oldest of 3. Please any advice.

  14. Count me in (on the same boat). I don’t want any more babies, my husband and I have 2 boys, a 14 year old from my first marriage and our 6 year old. I decided to go back to school and don’t have any spare time, so I honestly don’t want any more at all….he says things like o’ maybe in the future…can you promise me we will have one in four years or so……umm..I’ll be near 40…..I have told him no. I have actually told him that he could have more kids with another women and I could help raise them when I had time…(which is not likely for me to have time). I spend time with my boys but I often feel bad that I don’t spend as much time as I would truly like….but I’m currently working on something to benefit my whole family in the future. I actually had decided I didn’t want to be a mom past 32 in my mid 20’s and I did tell him that but I think he thought time would change that…but It hasn’t. I hope he understand, I love him dearly and I wouldn’t want to take something like being a father away from him if he wanted that once again…but I know for a fact I don’t want anymore….it does suck to be in this circumstance but at least it’s a choice that we are able to make and luckily not a medical reason as to why we can’t have any more.

  15. Just wanted to add my story. I’m 38 now, and we have 2 kids: 8 and 10 years old, girl and boy. I’ve always been working (working mom) a rather stressful job. A year ago it seemed like everyone around me started to get an another baby. And I was so exhausted from my job I got so envious at all the women who would get to stay at home with their new babies while I still would be working hard. I wanted a new baby, then, too. By my husband also works hard and didn’t see how a new baby should make our life any better. He is 6 years older than me. I had a really hard time – cried a lot, was unhappy. Then I realised that I wanted that baby out of totally selfish reasons. I just wanted to stay home. But this would mean additional stress for my husband and less time and money for my family. I wouldn’t want another baby if my husband would suggest staying home with it instead of me. So now a year later I am fine as it is. I enjoy our 2 kids and my husband. I work on reducing stress and on being thankful for what I have. And I am thankful. You can be happy even if you dont get all you ever want.

    1. Thank You for sharing this. Sometimes I feel like people think they want a baby but it’s not for the right reasons. You made a really good point. Good luck with your family.

  16. Me and my husband have four kids between us I brought a daughter into our marriage 8 years ago and we now have 3 children 6 3 and 2 and I’ve been wanting another baby for over a year and I talked to him about it but he said oh I’m getting too old this is how old I be when it graduate high school and my parents would disapprove of having another child and everything is about social with him like how people think of him instead of how he thinks for himself I feel like these are not viable reasons not to have another kid I’m 40 going on 41 so I know I’m running out of Windows to be able to get pregnant again we never talked about how many kids we truly wanted that’s a little girl I wanted 12 kids but after I had my first daughter 17 years ago almost 18 years ago I decided to cut it down to 6 I’m happy with just a v I believe I’m not saying that you know everything is an issue you know I know that he wants a new computer and he wants this and he wants that and that’s part of the reason why he doesn’t want another kid am I wrong in my thinking am I being unrealistic am I being I don’t know and it’s not like he spends a whole lot of time with the kids anyway that we do have spent two hours a day with them and on weekends are still 2 maybe 3 hours a day on weekends when he doesn’t work I do everything I clean I cook I do everything he may be changes a diaper every once every month Maybe and the only time he ever changes the poopy diapers is when I’m not home my youngest is 2 my oldest is almost 18. 8 just starting to hate everything because I call feel and breathing another baby.. I cry to myself at night I really feel their a piece of me missing…
    Sad at home

  17. I have a soon to be 9 year old from a different father and a baby due in 2 weeks with my boyfriend. I do not want another as this pregnancy has been really rough and I do not want to go through this again. My boyfriend is upset about that and doesnt want to support me getting my tubes tied and it causes an issue anytime it is talked about where we end up silent, and as we speak hes going to the liquor store…I shouldn’t be made to feel guilty or shameful for not wanting anymore. This is my second, and this was a horrible pregnancy and I dont get why someone would want you to go through that again. I just want that support and I dont have it and that bothers me.

  18. I had a miscarriage at 38 and my husband refused to try again. I’ve been sad for so many years and it definitely hurt our marriage by not trying again. I hope your husband changes his mind.

  19. I feel so broken. We had a beautiful baby girl 4 years ago. Pregnancy was smooth, aftermath disastrous. I suffered a steroid induced psychosis. I have a lot of residual anxiety and depression that wasn’t there before we had her.

    It took me four years to get to a point where I could even get to a point where I could consider having another. I had to change medications, and they’ve left me feeling not myself.

    My husband feels angry, sad, and frustrated. He says it feels weird to only have one. I desperately wish we were enough for him. I don’t have it in me to have another. I wish I did for him and so she could experience a sibling.

  20. Husband and I married 3 years ago, we both have daughters from previous relationships – 10,10 and 7 years old. I love this man dearly and have been to hell and back with him over the course of our relationship. Almost two years ago I fell pregnant accidentally, and we were in a HORRIBLE point in our relationship – without getting into many details of how bad it was (he was in the midst of a drug addiction) we chose to abort our baby because the child would have been brought into a very bad situation. I was crying my eyes out over this and so hurt that it came to the point where I had to let go of a child I so desperately wanted. Since then, it became my goal to get our lives on track and we moved states, he got clean……started over new and we are doing really well! All I can think of is having a baby. We both love children and love being parents but now hes decided we shouldn’t. He gives me a million reasons why the timing isn’t good, yet I am 39 years old! He also doesn’t want us to be “old parents” and neither do I, but I know my dream will not go away. I am harboring so much resentment towards him – HE is 100 percent the cause of why I had to abort – he was in a bad place in his life and I didn’t feel it was a safe/good situation. NOW I do, and he is fully not on board. Every single month I fall to tears when I get my period, always hoping and praying that it will just happen for us. We aren’t using protection but he “pulls out” and even that feels offensive to me when he knows how badly I want this. I have tried to accept that it just isn’t meant to be for us, and now I am at the point where I have decided that having sex isn’t a good idea anytime near fertile periods because I can’t go through the emotional let down of seeing my period come when I am hoping it won’t. I love this man but I really don’t feel “whole” or “complete” and I feel like we both have such different goals/desires for how our life together will be that I just feel my marriage is over. I feel such a sense of loss – loss of my ability to mother another child, loss of my ability to raise a child with my husband (my ex never was around so I never got to experience this), loss of my marriage because I have so much resentment and hurt and anger towards him for now allowing us to have one together….and then a loss of my husband because I know that I will never be able to forgive and be happy with him — and also…what do I do? Leave? I’m 39…odds aren’t in my favor that I will find another partner to have children with before it’s too late for me…well, I suppose it is certainly possible, however I don’t want to be a super old mom either. I am just overall depressed and hurt. I have told him I will accept his decision, but that if he is dead set on it, then he should have a vasectomy so I can mourn this “loss” and hopefully get closure to move on from it, rather than this continual hoping and praying it will happen….and he agreed but then did nothing about it…then opted to change his mind on that too…yet adamantly said he isn’t comfortable with having a baby. Throughout our relationship hes been super on board…..when he has done something wrong – to get me to forgive him and take him back…and then he takes it back once I have forgiven..a bloody rollercoaster ride emotionally. This whole relationship I have been waiting to feel safe enough to proceed with the dream I have held this entire time, of growing our family…and I think I have wasted all these years helping him, wasted all this time on someone who doesn’t share my dream. Do I leave and start over with a hope that I will find someone I can have this dream with? Or do I stay because I still love him…

  21. I, too, am struggling with this. I desperately want another child but my husband is dead against it. We have a lovely 3-year-old son but I never wanted to just have one child. I was one of four, but my husband is an only child. We’ve talked about it a few times, but he just put his foot down and said no. He even booked himself in for a vasectomy! He hasn’t touched me for nearly a year and won’t until his appointment. It feels like he’s taking away my womanhood, leaving me powerless in this situation. I’m already 40 so I know my chances are slim for conceiving and avoiding miscarriage but I’d like to try. Heck, I’d just like to be loved at this point and then pray God grants the desires of my heart. I’m a “Til death do us part” kind of person, so this is what I’m left with. Knowing I’ll have this regret on my death bed is one thing, but having to live it out every day (especially as I have to give away my son’s clothes and baby things) is crushing.

    1. I’m so sorry you are going through this! I am in a similar situation where I am 38 and I have a 5 year old son and has always wanted another baby. Both me and my husband always agreed to having another baby! For years after having my son I waited for my husband to be ready. this year we both decided to start trying but after 4 months of trying he decided one day that he made the decision he doesn’t want another baby. I feel so crushed and don’t understand why he would do this to me knowing that it meant the world to me to have another baby. I am like you where I am older in age and don’t have the time to wait another couple years to see if he comes around and changes his mind.

      1. Me too. Exact situation…I am so angry at him. He doesn’t have to do any of the work, he literally helps me 1% of the time if that. I don’t see what the actual hell he is so scared of when I am the one more scared of complications due to waiting til I’m 40. I am 38 now and or son was conceived immediately, like I blinked and I was pregnant… I’m so frustrated because I love my son so much and I don’t want him to be the only one when we are gone. I love being a mom, I don’t think my husband loves being a dad.

  22. I had a miscarriage at 38 and was devastated. I couldn’t wait to start trying again but suddenly my husband refused saying age, house size, car size etc. and that I was being selfish for wanting to try again. Basically, move on and get over it because he is done having kids and I need to respect his choice… Really????? So insensitive and uncaring..broke my heart. I loved that baby and I will never “get over” it. All I ever wanted was to try again after the loss to heal. Just like any other mother that has suffered a loss. Now I’m 46 and find myself resentful that he got his wish and I am still so empty from the loss. What man takes away their wife’s greatest joy in life and last chance away for ever? So heartbroken. I can’t understand why he would not want to tey again. I think he is the selfish one. I’d do anything to keep trying. I hope this oain and emptiness lessons but no one knows this loss like a mother.

  23. I’m 32. Husband is 33. We’ve been married 14 years. We have 4 wonderful daughters who are 12,11,10, and 8. But when we had them, he was an alcoholic and had untreated mental illness. A bunch of stuff that made having a kids then a bad idea but my body didn’t like birth control.
    I got a tubal specifically because I couldn’t handle the “temporary” birth control forms and knew more kids at the time would be a disaster.

    But we’re making 3x the income we did when we had 3 in diapers. He’s sober and stable. Overall, a much better position to have another. I work part time and go to school full time; that will be my schedule the next 2-3 years.

    I want another child. All he’s said is “I’m being selfish but I don’t want anymore” and refuses to listen to my side. Our daughters would adore a younger sibling and be great helpers. I do 90% of the child rearing as it is.

    I don’t understand why he’s saying no when the impact for him is minimal. I handle finances. I raise the kids most of the time. I do all of that. And I said we could use a donor if it’s the mental illness genetics.

    I’m to the point where I don’t think our marriage will survive this.

    1. Four kids is a lot. You may want another but most people here have one and want one more. How you feel is valid but realize you’re super blessed

  24. Before marriage my husband and I discussed children and we both decided on having 2. We currently have 1 daughter (5 months) who was a very challenging baby for the first 3-4 months. I still want another one in the future but he has changed his mind and says he will not have another one. He knows how important it is to me to have another and knows that I’ve wanted 2 children since I was a child myself. Plus I’m the one looking after the baby most of the time anyways. I’m feeling very resentful towards him that he is doing this to me ( us) after we had both mutually decided on having 2. What can I do? Any suggestions? I’ve asked him why he’s changed his mind and his response “ we have a perfect daughter and both love her very much but doesn’t want to go through those few very tough first months again. From my perspective I see this view as being very selfish and he doesn’t seem to want to even listen to my point of view. Please help!!!

    1. Hi, I’m in this same situation, however I’m on the side of your husband. You have to understand that he may have had a very hard time with your daughter especially in those first few months. Try to understand it from his perspective and try to understand his feelings. It may be deeper than he’s letting on but your resentment toward him probably makes it hard for him to open up to you. In my opinion and I say this as respectfully as possible, you are being selfish. Having a baby is a lot of responsibility not only financially but emotionally and physically as well. See if he would be open to other forms like adoption or getting a puppy? I feel your husband’s pain.

  25. Hi I am currently 38 and my husband is 39 and we have always both wanted at least 2 children. We currently have a 5 year old boy and before him I was pregnant with our daughter that we lost while I was 22 week pregnant. For years since my son was born we have both agreed on having another baby and giving our son a sibling. I have been wanting to try for years but my husband has wanted to wait until this year we decided to start trying for another. Well this month after 4 months of trying he told me yesterday that he no longer wants to add another kid to the family. All he said was he is getting older feel like he is burnt out doesn’t have the ability to add another child. He said that he has made his decision and there is no changing his mind. I am so hurt, mad and my heart is broken. I am not sure I will be able to get over this!

  26. The grief is real. I am 42 and still longing for another baby. I already have three and I realize I need to be grateful for the ones I had so easily in my mid to late 30s (and I am!), yet I am mourning the loss of a dream of four children. My husband is done after three and will not change his mind. I got pregnant quickly each time and my pregnancies were uncomplicated….I suppose that’s partly why I struggle with this so much. However, I guess I shouldn’t assume it would be that way a fourth time, especially into my 40s. The point is, I have been reading these comments and I totally get it. I know women whose husbands leave it up to them. Frankly I think that’s fair. After all the woman carries it and gives birth. In my mind, a fourth baby would be such an asset….my older three love babies right now and I really think it would give them an opportunity to grow in certain areas. However, life is not fair and sometimes our significant others simply don’t see things the same way we do. I take my vows seriously and won’t leave him over this, but it.is.HARD. Pregnancy announcements are like a slap in the face right now too. 🙁

  27. Before my husband and I got married, we both decided we wanted 3 children total and it didn’t matter the genders. We now have 2 year old and 5 month old daughter’s whom we love fiercely. However, now that I am a full time mommy and he’s active duty military, Ive changed my mind and I no longer want to try for baby #3. He really wants a third baby (preferably a boy obviously) but he also wants to get a motorcycle, go special forces, and go airborne all of which take him away from us more than he’d already be just by being in the Army. I was alone during my second pregnancy and birth because he was in Basic Training and AIT and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, not to mention he did not handle my PPD well. I’m afraid of going through that again. I’m currently on birth control but he really wants me to get off it and give him another baby. I have goals and dreams I want to accomplish career wise as well and having another baby just means my dreams will be put on the back burner longer. I’m frustrated and scared my husband might not want to stay with me if I keep telling him I don’t want another one. Please help. How do i get him to see this from my perspective?

  28. My wife and I had our daughter before while we were engaged. While I felt that I wasnt ready, she would call me on night shift crying over her pining to be a mother. When I caved she quickly became pregnant. I now love being a dad and wouldn’t change it for anything. I have made many sacrifices for her and my wife. In the first two years I worked away in an oilfield camp so I could earn a decent wage to support them as my wife didnt want to put our daughter into daycare until 2 y.o.

    I am now back working locally and am home every night. My wife has a job and our daughter is in day care and almost 3. I have been ready for another child as we discussed some years ago, however my wife has repeatedly told me she doesnt want another one and now wants to go back to school and maybe reassess after. We have argued to the point where I dont bring it up anymore as I feel planning for a child should be a happy time. Not miserable.

    I feel like my wife is being selfish as I have done everything she has wanted and sacrificed my own bonding time with my daughter so I can provide and also feel like once her school is finished she will then want to get into a career and never want another.

    I would love a sibling for my daughter, of either gender. And wish I didnt feel this way.

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