teenager girl chat

[paradise lost]

Just reading this (in terror since my teen (in 11 years...) DD will have a step daddy and a daddy....) and wanted to share with you Mel, something my own mother did to my sister when she wouldn't do her chores. Sis was supposed to do the dishes. If she didn't my mother would serve her meals on dirty plates. Not everyone's, just hers. So she would "get" the link between her inaction and the consequence of it. Sis was 14 at the time and within two meals was doing her chores.

I will admit that since we had our own rooms, mum let us keep them however we wanted, but she didn't go in there either - like if we wanted clothes washing we either did it ourselves or put them in the family washing basket (which we took turns at sorting/washing). She did not come in our rooms to rescue our clothes and she insisted on correct attire. i.e. if you left your school uniform on the floor on Friday you went in stinky and crumpled on Monday...

[shazza]

wow ladies im so glad i started this thread i so hear you on alot of thinbgs we have a blended family
and we the same we take things off the girls when there getting punished .
i must admitt clarissa seems to be getting better least we can talk and this year shes even starting to talk to me about things we are great but still there are days and oh my god you think who are you .
its like my girls are taking it in turns clarissa has a bad day then its kates turn .
kates just starting to turn into this girl that you dont know least i know with clarissa theres a light at the end of the tunnel not like last year when clarissa
was going through it i really felt this were not going to get better .
i realised alot of things that workand alot of things that dont work

[Ozziehoffy]

Just wanted to say... teenage boys can be just as trying! Hoobley I do the same with Joshua and his clothes... if they're not in the washing, they don't get washed...as for his room, I only ask he makes his bed. He's not too bad with that.

I noticed a few who have kiddies living with dad/mum... Joshua lives with his dad (his choice mostly) but I tell you they butt heads like nothing else and I'm at my wits end with it sometimes when Joshua calls me because he hates living there but doesn't want to live here cos his mates are there.... *sighs* it's not a fun part of being a parent that's for sure... although I must say that I'm so grateful that just in the past few months Joshua seems to trust me enough to come and talk to me about things more now. It's taken many, many hard years of letting him know that he can come and talk to me about anything at all. My number one rule is I will do my best not to get angry about it... and for the most part I don't. What's the point? The point is he now is telling me stuff - even stuff he knows I won't like... he will say, you probably won't like this mum but... and the other day I asked him - is it something I will like or something I will think you're silly for doing and he said you'll probably think I was silly. I've told him that I might not always like how dad does things either he's still his dad and he needs to show respect to him. He knows that he can talk to me to get it off his chest but that I can't necessarily fix what his issue or problem is but that it's better to get it out than to keep it all bottled up. Slowly but surely I think that the calm approach with teens seems to work... well it does mostly...lol. Don't get me wrong though there are days when I could do a Homer Simpson and just strangle him but then the next day he will be the nicest kid you know.

[Bathsheba]

My cousins (both girls) attended boarding school during their teen years. They lived on a farm and because they were both heavily involved with sport (couldn't do it otherwise) their parents allowed them to board at the school, a girls' school. This arrangement seemed to work really well. They would return home for the weekends and school holidays. Honestly, they have the best relationships with their parents.... always have had. Lots of affection, even in public. My aunt and uncle are quite strict, no nonsense kind of people too. Last time I spoke to them they highly recommended the boarding school option... I always thought that was a "cop out" solution until recently! I think the fact that the school would be enforcing all the routines that I find hard to be consistent with: supervised home work sessions, dinners eaten at the table without ipod head phones and involving polite discussion, keeping living quarters tidy and organised. Because I have the large gap between my children I often find that I am "caught up" with dealing with the boys routines and can't focus on my DD as much as she needs, especially of an early evening. I can barely help her with her homework... the boys make noise and want to be involved... fortunately DH does that after the boys have gone to bed and when i need to fall in a heap somewhere!

Our biggest problem is that we have no extended family that are available or active in the raising of our kids. They are nearly all in the country. If only I could send my DD off to stay with them occasionally!

I grew up in a blended family. My parents separated when i was 12. My stepfather was pretty violent too. It got so bad that when he threatened to send me to boarding school I eventually agreed!!! But obviously he decided that he had better things to spend his money on So life went on with me at the local highschool... getting pretty bad grades because I was so distracted by an awful homelife.

I really think that if we had my cousins/aunts/uncles/grandparents around to reinforce everything that I was telling DD that it would be better. DH tries to be her bestfriend instead of a parent half the time. I'm left to be the "bad cop" in the "good cop, bad cop" scenario he kinda constructs. The worst thing is that he disagrees with me infront of her about consequences for her poor behaviour Oh and he demonstrates very poor frustration control... I know where she gets her Drama Queen genes from! His Irish temper!

DD tries to be the boys' mother as well. She barks orders at them. Tries to tell me what to do and how to do it. Whips them up into a frenzy while I am trying to cook dinner every night then wonders why, when she has had enough of them and wants to watch TV, wonders why they are all hyper and wanting to jump all over her! This is an almost nightly event. I've taken to separating them all at about 6pm otherwise the house is like a zoo (they end up fighting).

She won't keep her room clean either but she will happily tidy the boys' rooms so i'm as relaxed about that as I can be. She keeps her bathroom in a total state of filth though. Hair everywhere. I can't stop her from cutting her own hair. Y'know I thought I was going to be fine with the whole teenager thing. I thought I was a pretty open-minded person with a fairly alternative aesthetic... but I never expected my DD to have such an opposite aesthetic. She is such an attractive girl but the look these days is just so plain ugly! But I guess that's their role: to define themselves as totally different to "us". Rest assured that whatever clothes and hairstyle that you dislike the most will be the one chosen by your teen DD. If you are a Goth they will probably prefer a neat and conservative style worn with a twin set! If you are a hippy mumma your DD will emerge in a suit and hair in a tight bun!

I have friends that make me feel like I must be doing something wrong: maybe it's ME who has become boring? They are friends with either no children or very young children. Well they are lucky I'm not the kind of person who will tell them: "I told you so!!!" if and when they have a teen to raise!!!

[Lulu]

Quick girls!! Dye your hair black and go waaay over the top on the eye makeup.
Wear band tshirts, even if you dont know who they are. Use words like, angst, misunderstood and phrases such as " you will never understand me", and the classic "its MY life"

That should guarantee us a daughter that dresses in twinsets and pearls....

BTW - on the room issue. DD got cr@apped off when I asked her to do the weekly clean/vacuum of her room, stomped in there and right onto a needle she left on the floor (at least she does her own hems I suppose), it snapped off in her foot and she is now up at he hospital waiting to have it removed......

[~Jo~]

Oh Lulu what a lesson to learn! Hope shes ok.

We have a blended family with my two older dds from a previous relationship though i feel blessed to say our dramas are fairly minimal right now. Last year we did have a lot of boundary pushing with Jess, but alot of that was fairly age appropriate and a mix of interesting friends with limited parental involvement.

I have found that its so important to have the lines of communication open so that you can hear about anything and everything you possibly can about what is going on in their lives. Fortunately i have chatterboxes who seem intent on telling me every last detail..whether it be an 'omg mum you should have seen what this girl did today....' or 'mum this guy asked me out blah blah blah...'.

Because we had the blended family despite the fact that I seperated while pregnant with Emily and Darren has been involved since Emmy was 18 months and Jess was 3 I was and have always been the diciplinarian. Thats not a cop out for Darren who always backs me up, but I just felt that it was in all of our interests to establish that right from the very start.

Thanks for everyone for sharing your stories..it certainly helps knowing that we all are in no way alone...teenagers are interesting and fun but they can also be very tiring!

Jo

[shazza]

i just wanted to say bathsheba freinds shouldnt make you feel like that
you are a good mum im sure and you are doing what you can so dont let anybody make you feel like that

[Bathsheba]

Aww ta Jesabell it's so funny watching friends become parents a decade or so after you started and seeing how much they end up contradicting themselves. Our closest friends (a couple) knew us waaaay back when we had our DD. I was 25 when i had her just before Christmas 1994. These friends invited us to their New Year's Eve party a week after I gave birth. They were childless as were all the people who attended the party. When we were first invited I gave a non-committal reply to the invitation... saying that we weren't getting much sleep and were still adjusting to parenthood (I had never heard of a babymoon at that stage). Anyhow they told us that just because we had a baby wasn't an excuse to go all boring "COME OVER!!!" they demanded. So we did. As we arrived our DD was sleeping in her capsule. Our hosts told us to "just put her in the spare room with the coats, she'll be fine"... so we did... and I proceeded to check her every 10 minutes... never relaxing enough to actually enjoy the party... we left soon after midnight knowing that a good nights' sleep isn't garanteed for us, unlike the rest of the part goers... and neither of us were drinking of course, you can't do that and be in charge of a newborn! Fast forward 11 years. This couple have their first baby. We drop in and see them at their place and only stay about 15 minutes because they are obviously exhausted, this is about 2 weeks after the birth. 3 months later we invite them over and they say "oh no... it's just too hard to go out with the baby and we're just sooo tired". Hmmmmmm! Needless to say they have forgotten how they accused us of being boring... we're not reminding them... but it's fascinating to see them doing all the things they had contempt for prior to having children!

[Ozziehoffy]

Hmmmmmm! Needless to say they have forgotten how they accused us of being boring... we're not reminding them... but it's fascinating to see them doing all the things they had contempt for prior to having children!

Lol... I would remind them... hahaha the evil side in me!

As for your DD's "look"... Joshua wanted to cut his hair a certain way and his dad wouldn't let him ... well a few weeks later he went out behind his dad's back and got his ear pierced instead! I always wondered why he wouldn't let him get his hair cut though cos it wasn't something strange that he wanted...he wanted a similar type of thing to Kyle Sandilands actually.... go figure huh.

Lulu, I hope they get the needle out of your DD's toe.. I saw your other post... lol @ kharma though huh.

[~Jo~]

Bath I think Id want to remind them as well!

Jo

[Bathsheba]

Yeah? But they wouldn't thank us... it'd probably just strain the friendship. There are so many things that I'd like to tell them regarding their parenting choices... I don't want to sound smug. They are now expecting their third. And I'd hate to be reminded of all the things I did wrong as a teenager... I felt so justified! Lulu: I did my fair share of stomping but only when my stepfather was out because if I did that with him around I would have been dragged back to square one and forcibly made to walk properly with him holding my arm in a vice-like grip until I demonstrated compliance. I think this is one of the reasons I get so annoyed by DD... she doesn't have to live in fear... why the hell does she have to make a fuss!? All comes back to "comparing" (remember my thread?) Is it useful... would either my friends or my DD really benefit from me comparing?

[melham74]

I too would remind them. My youngest sister has 2 younger boys well 7 and 2 and she is always on my back on how notonly to raise DD but the boys as well, she must think she is the perfect parent, anyway she was on the phone having a go at me that I have decided to send cooper to childcare a couple of days a week, so she demand to know my reasoning, I tell her he needs time with kids his own age I need a break I am raising 4 not 2 and I dont want him to be a mummies boy which he already is wont let anyone else touch him or pick him up ect, she says well you are doing the wrong thing he doesnt need it ect (she lets her kids call her a b!tch). Then goes on about how I wont let DD go to a private school I pointed out we cant afford it, she said well my son goes and we make ourselves afford it , I say DD is happy at the school with the freinds she has, then goes on to say KIds from state schools are nothing but trash who get into drugs ect and we arnt helping the situation by not enforcing her to go to an all girls school, I asked how to pay for this she said ask mum to pay for it, or work 76 days a week otherwise this is just the tip of the iceberg, I realise that it will probably get worse before it gets better but I really pity her when her kids are older I hope they give her Hell.

[Madham]

Hey everyone. Well done on starting this thread jessabell. I have a 12yr old dd and my dp is finding it difficult to cope with her atm, we have been together 2 years and she is use to having to only listen to me so we have a fair few conflicting arguements in our household. We have just had a beautiful ds and things are going fine so far, but i am just waiting for the next arguement to errupt. I have read all the posts and sympathize with you all, it seems there are more blendid family's out there than i thought with issues. Hopefully venting and discussing our problems with each other will help.

[shazza]

i hope so to abb
at the moment things are fine at my house but when the next bad day happens it will be nice to get on here and talk about it
hope you dd alright lulu

[tiggerandpooh]

The most important thing for my relationship with my daughter (all my kids actually) that it be a better one then the one I had and still have with my own mother. In the process I don't want to extinguish my daughter's light, or break her spirit. Her determination, confindence, passion are things that I admire greatly in her. all things that I didnt have (due to a highly dysfunctional and abusive family and father)

sometimes walking that fine line of teaching her how to be respectful, without pulling the "because I'm the mother" said -in- a- very- harsh -disrespectful- tone -card is hard. It is so difficult to know how to parent when the role models you had were crap.

I have to look outside my own biological family for role models, and have read a lot. some of it is great, some of it is yeah right in a perfect world wouldnt that be nice....

so - how are everyone's beautiful daughters travelling??? or should I ask that question at around the time of the next full moon

[Bathsheba]

So true Vicky about it being hard to know how to parent well when your own role models were crappy.

Well ever since Sunday I seem to be surrounded by mothers and daughters who are comfortable showing lots of outward affection to each other. Yesterday my neighbour and I bumped into each other up the street and her teenage DD (a year older than my DD) wandered up to her (it was lunch break at her school nearby) and greeted her mum with a hug and a kiss. On the weekend i was talking to an older mother who's 19yo DD was lovingly stroking her hair while we were in conversation and looking at her so adoringly. My DD hasn't done that since she was about 6yo. When we are talking to people she'll stand beside me scowling at the world. I really must be doing something wrong.

[shazza]

no i think some kids just grow up and stop showing affectinate well my did i cant remember the last time clarissa gave me a kiss on the lips she gives me her cheek .
some nights i just grab her and give her a kiss .i still know they love me although dont hear it often but if somethings wrong they come straight up to me isnt that wrong but sometimes when there upset i like it cause i get the best kisses and cuddles .
i just try and remember what i was like at that age and i was the same i dont even think i gave my mum kisses at clarissas age .

[Lulu]

*shakes her head at Bath*
Will you please, please trust your parenting a little better??? C'mon girl EVERYONE goes through a hard time through puberty/teen years. Remember, she is stretching into a new skin and trying things out. Give her a soft place to fall, she will come to you....

You know the letting go thing means we realize that we cant be the only ones teaching life lessons anymore. Its important to let them make the mistakes now, when the problems are small partly so they have the confidence to make the right decisions, but also to commiserate if they get it wrong.

And another thing Bath (!)- you don't know what those other mothers/daughters have been though to have the bond that they do. DD and I are always closer after we have weathered a storm together....