angry at myself for not defending dd

[littlelara]

Hi all
There's an awful little girl at dd's daycare centre who is about a year older than her. I don't know her well but she just comes across as a mean, abrasive piece of work, the kind of child I would prefer dd not be around too much, especially since she's such a gentle little soul and easily dominated when she's not in her comfort zone iykwim?
Yesterday when I went to pick up dd (nearly 4) this little girl came up to me and began to tell me about some altercation they'd had, and how no matter how much she told dd off she wouldn't stop what she was doing and she'd had to put her in 'jail' or some such thing? Apparently she also told B she was going to stone her to death or something rediculous, (but I don't think B was really following what she meant) and has in the past been the one to decide who can and can't play. She's just one of those nasty, dominant little creatures who tend to rub me the wrong way. Real bully energy.
Anyway, just as she started telling me all this, my moby began to ring (info for the course I've applied for) so I had to answer it when what I really should have been doing is getting down to this child's level and telling her calmly but firmly that she needs to pull her head in and be nice and that if she can't treat Bethany with kindness I will tell her not to be her friend.
I already gather B doesn't think much of her, but there aren't a lot of kids to choose from in her room so she kind of has no choice if she wants to participate at least some of the time.
I'm just so angry I didn't step up, you know?

[helle]

Apparently she also told B she was going to stone her to death

oO;; What an odd thing for a 5yo to say!

[BhoysGirl]

I'd be raising it with the carers in your DD's room, because I too, find the stoning to death comments a little disturbing. Even the putting "in jail" thing I think is inappropriate from a kid of any age, let alone a 5yo.

[littlelara]

I did mention it to their carer and she laughed and said "Yeah, I get put in jail all the time" so wasn't too concerned obviously.
Beth wasn't worried either, but I found it creepy.
Maybe it's just something she heard someone say?

[Mak]

Is there someone higher up in charge? - I would want to mention it to the director or supervisor as that is not a good reply IMO. I wouldn't worry about not addressing the girl too much, perhaps discussing B's reactions/feelings about it would be more beneficial and useful. We have had some discussion as DD1 had issues re punching and kids not wanting to 'be friends' - at 3!!! So I have just been trying to build up her confdence to walk away and not pay too much attention to these kids - trying to give her an internal dialogue that is positive rather than negative. Good luck!!!

[Inanna]

I don't find the jail thing too disturbing - lots of kids say that in my experience.

I think you need to treat meanness with kindness. This little girl sounds like she might be in need of some good role models. The stoning to death thing is a little wierd - however if she has older siblings it would explain a bit there too.

Behind every bully is a frightened little person. At 5 she is probably role playing or wanting to be heard.

It's our job to protect our kids - but it is also good to see the good in all kids. It's her behaviour that's awful not her...

Next time you can talk to her on her level - & I would talk to your daughter about protecting her space. Saying "no" I don't feel good when you talk to me like that" etc etc.

It's tough isn't it being a Mama...

[~clover~]

I agree that the jail thing wouldn't bother me at all. All kids hear that sort of stuff from siblings, TV etc. Remember cowboys & indians?? Lol!
I think the stoning to death is a bit odd. I'd like to know how a child could've heard it enough to understand & repeat it in the same way, you know? Like they might say I'll stone you, but for them to say the 'to death' part on the end...
But then, some kids are waaaay more understanding & talkative than others, & they do say things like that just from hearing it once on the news etc.
I might have just said something like 'thats not fair', or not nice or something, but treated it like a kids game that it was probably meant to be. The same as I have done in the past when I've heard little ones say strange things. Even my DD has told DD2 she wanted to kill her etc. She had no idea what it meant at the time.

[littlelara]

Wow, that's such compassionate advice, Flowerchild.
You're right, but it's so hard to think that way when all I feel is 'fierce', you know? I just want to roar like a lion!
Mak, what kinds of internal dialogue are you using, for example? I need something 3-sized.
Seh knows to say "Back off!" if someone gets too physical, but this is different somehow

[Inanna]

I agree - all Mamas have the fierce lioness and that is normal and natural. I feel for the kids that come across as not so nice - for they are still littlies - perhaps they don't have the same compassion at home or perhaps they have got that compassion but have other challenges...

Think of Bathshebas key hole scenario...

It is always hard to play nice when our babies have been hurt...

[Mak]

Flowerchild described it well. As background my DD1 can be really clingy and easily upset - she really takes things that are said to her to heart. Without dwelling on things too much I try to talk her through it for the next time. So I would encourage her to tell the other child she was unhappy - she is very familiar with saying 'I don't like it' and give her an option for finding someone/something else to play with. I have had some self confidence issues and want to do my best to arm her with options to deal with a variety of situations. She is very verbal though and loves to talk about stuff which helps. I am no expert - like you I am just trying to work it out also!
Sounds like you are doing a great job!!!!

[Roryrory]

Lara hugs to you. I agree with what the others have said but IMO part of your job is a mum is to give B the tools she needs to defend herself like Flowerchild said. Don't be mad with yourself for not unleashing the inner lioness that very second, B knows you love and will protect her - and its from that secure base that she will learn to stand up for herself (she needs to come visit Flynn and Ollie a bit more - a few hours with them and she'll start defending herself quick smart LOL!!).

Lara, B is lucky to have a mum who is so willing to examine these things! Don't feel guilty!