A shocking day vent - needing some reassurance

[Liviam]

****CRYING VENT FOLLOWING****
Oh girls I just don?t know what to do anymore!! What made me think I?d be any good at this mothering caper? I?m just so completely exhausted and so very tired of being tired. I haven?t slept for more than two hours at a time for over 4 months and of course the kids sleep don?t line up so I can?t even grab a power nap during the day. I?m slowly losing my mind!!!!
DH is gone for 10 hours every day during the week and plays cricket all day on Saturday so he is only home to eat tea, give DD her bottle and put her down. I?m having to cook tea, bath the kids, TT DD, sleep train DS all while maintaining the house and being a wife when the kids go to bed. My girlfriends are cranky with me because I don?t get on MSN and chat or go around for a coffee or head out for tea/movies like I used to. DH is cranky with me because apparently I?m no fun anymore and don?t joke around like I used to and am always tired and cranky. I?ve asked/pleaded/begged for some help from DH/family but they tell me just to keep doing what I?m doing and it will all be fine. I can?t even get DH to come home from work on time to help me with bathing/cooking. He says he has no choice but to stay if things aren?t done. I know that he is working so hard so that I can stay home with the kids and I love him for that but I need him home a bit more but he feels he can?t leave work. WHAT ABOUT ME?? I?m not sure what I expect from him. DH is away for work so I?m sitting here crying, not knowing what to do while both kids are crying. They are both fed, dry, not hot/cold, not sick (that I know of) but neither of them will go to sleep. I?ve even tried cuddling them but nope that isn?t even helping so now I?m just waiting for them to go to sleep with me going in to attempt to calm them down every few minutes.
After two days of DD going brilliantly with her TT today was a nightmare. She has thrown an absolute fit anytime I mentioned the potty and has done nothing but have accidents all day. I don?t know whether to stick with it or throw in the towel.
AAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!
I?m praying that today was just a bad day and tomorrow is going to be 1000% better than today (God help me if it?s worse). I honestly never thought it would be so incredibly hard being a mum. Thankfully both my gorgeous kids gave me big smiles today and melted my heart.
Thanks so much for the vent girls.

[~*Niadalla*~]

Big hugs hun. I wish I could come and give you a hand.

xxoo

[Kazbah]

Just let it all out hun ... and then let DH know you're going to the (library / movie / gyno / leg wax) and he's looking after the kids on Saturday for a couple of hours.

And use that excuse to get some sleep!

[Amaunet]

to start with! I'm so sorry you have had such a rough day - I hope letting it all out here helped a little! Glad those gorgeous smiles can help you see what all this stress/tiredness etc is for. I know hos much Blake's smiles help me when I an feeling at the end of my tether

I guess I am not much help for advice as I only have 1 bubba - but let me say - I admire all those mums with more than one - you included!

I know you didn't ask for advice but...some ideas to help...feel free to disregard tho...

Can you access some childcare for DD - even one day per week? Family daycare is pretty cheap - or look for local occaisional care for a few hours - 1/2 day to catch up on sleep with your DS? If you DH isn't up for it (using childcare) then perhaps he needs to make some compromises too (ie a full day of cricket!!!)

I would personally leave the TT for a less stressful time - you don't need any extra pressure/work at the moment

You DH is a parent too and working outside the home (as you work inside the home) does not exempt him from the "responsibilities"- I know he is working hard (my DH is away from 6.30am to 7pm) but mine knows that when he's home he's "on duty" as much as I am and he is numero uno on weekends. Maybe you need to email your DH your post so he can see how stressed and worn out you are - men generally aren't very perceptive and have no idea about the actual reality of our days and how we are really feeling! (well mine doesn't anyway)

On bad days I don't do housework - nor do I cook a "decent" dinner - we have beans on toast or toasted sandwiches etc.

Again you are doing a GREAT job - I hope you get some more support soon! Sending sleepy vibes to your beautiful kiddies

Luv K

[Fleur]

sounds like you've had a yuck day... it will get better. That's all that has kept me going sometimes, knowing it won't be like this forever.
Do you have family of your own nearby you can ask for a bit of time out?
Maybe you need to sit your DH down & have a talk?...

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you

[Laranna]

Huge squishy hugs Liviam Hope tomorrow is a better day for you x

[suse]

honey. You're doing so well holding it all together.

Just a quick thought - when your DH and family say that you should 'just keep doing what you are doing and it will all be fine', have you asked them for whom it will be fine? Because it sure ain't you!! Sounds like it will be fine for them if things stay the way they are, because otherwise they might have to do something extra!

Has your DH wondered why you are 'no fun to be around anymore', and what he can do to help you? Gee, having no sleep really makes you the life of the party.

Have your girlfriends attempted to be a bit understanding that maintaining a pre-child social life is impossible with two young kids?

Sorry if this sounds a little snarky at your loved ones, but it seems like the weight of all the unrealistic expectations of everyone around you is really dragging you under.

You are doing fantastically, but perhaps those around could stand to realise that things need to change for them too.

[sneakysparkle]

oh hun I'm so sorry youre having such a hard time! But YOU ARE DOING A FABULOUS JOB!!! Hang in there.
With regard to TT - do whatever you feel you can manage, but I do think that if you can stick with it its worth it.
I hope they go to sleep for you soon hun xo

[Dragonbub]

Wow, what a handful! the fact that you can write a coherant sentence on BB is the mark of how well you are coping, even though you certainly don't think you are!

On a side, I work full time, about 50 hours a week including travel. I get home and roll my sleeves up and am straight into reading/cooking/cleaning/bathing/feeding/cuddling etc. Sometimes I do 2 or 3 at once, eg cuddling and cooking (not the safest way, but multitasking is a combat sport right?). Once DS is in bed by about 7.30 I help DH clean up (or clean up while he is watching the news). At around 9.30ish I head to bed, and DH wonders why I am "not in the mood".

Is it any wonder that women are stronger and better equipped with life than men? If your DH was a woman, he would cancel his cricket, or find some way of making a family event out of it where everyone has a good time whilst learning and growing developmentally. He would pack the picnic full of nutritious and yummy snacks, and would even remember the insect repellant.

At the end of the day you could put your feet up and he would lovingly massage them, whilst making you a cup of tea, and finishing off your uni assignment for you.

Unfortunatley we let them get away with so much, and our expectations are so little. I suffer this too, so am certainly not being judgemental.

So chin up babe, sounds like you have a classic case of Manhood on your hands. THere is no cure I am afraid, other than trying to alleviate some of the pressure through day care, hairdressers, family assistance, and if all else fails, I hear wine works a treat!

[skeetaboat]

My first thought is, does DH *have* to play cricket this season? It's a bit of a luxury to have a full day out of the house *every week* when you've got little kids. It sounds like you need more hands on support and I think having one less day in the week to battle it out on your own would help.

I know guys like to have extra-curricular activities to blow off steam - but they are EXTRA-curricular - and it sounds like there isn't enough time for extras and time luxuries in your household at the moment.. so why don't you ask him to drop it for a while??

If he doesn't come to the table on that (which would make him a big fat selfish meanie if he knows you're struggling and still says no IMO), declare Sundays as yours, dump the kids and take the day (the WHOLE day) to do whatever you please. This might be hard if you're BFing and DS doesn't take a bottle, but you could still do it. Just tell DH you'll be local and to call when you're needed for a feed. Then come in, feed, and NO MATTER WHAT happens, leave again. Once he has to deal with them both alone all day, he'll soon come around and realise that this parenting bizo is a 2 person job.

My second thought is, 7 weeks is so very, very young to be sleep training. What method are you using? Is there any reason why you're starting it so young? At this age babies just need to sleep and eat when their little bodies tell them to. Sleep training can be awfully stressful for both you and bub and it sounds like you're under enough stress. Can you put this off a bit and just go with the flow for a while on the sleep front?

My kids are born the same months as yours so I know how tough it is trying to get ANYTHING other than tending to the kids done at the moment (((hugs)))

Do you have a sling? Because I can't get a moment to get anything done or spend enough time with my toddler, I've ordered a hugabub, it's a babycarrier that holds bubs upright, close to your heart. Apparently it's so comfy you can wear it for hours and go about your normal duties. You can even bend down. The upside is bubs gets the constant contact they love in those first few months and they stay more settled, sleep better, etc. I read many rave reviews (hence the purchase)... if you haven't got one it might be worth making an investment?

HTH.. you definitely need and deserve more support.

[skeetaboat]

Duh.. my own sleep deprivation is showing... I misread and thought your DS was born in September this year.. (Although I would still recommend ditching sleep training for now, coz 4 months old is still quite young for sleep training, and it's still a stressful thing to undertake no matter how old bubs is).

[skeetaboat]

Unfortunatley we let them get away with so much, and our expectations are so little. I suffer this too, so am certainly not being judgemental.

So chin up babe, sounds like you have a classic case of Manhood on your hands. THere is no cure I am afraid, other than trying to alleviate some of the pressure through day care, hairdressers, family assistance, and if all else fails, I hear wine works a treat!

I agree with you Dragonbub that many of us let them get away with too much and expect too little, but I disagree that there's no cure to the classic case of Manhood - I know some men will always be inconsiderate and selfish (as are some women), but I think most decent guys respond well to open and honest communication about the fact that the status quo is unbalanced and unfair and contributing to an unhealthy relationship. And I think when we stand up and ask for better in our own relationships, we are in a small way helping other mothers, because the more 'normal' it becomes for both parents to equally sacrifice their spare time, leisure activities, independence, freedom and social life in the early parenting years, the more other men will start taking a more active and less absent role in their own family.

[Liviam]

THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!

I have absolutely no idea where I would be without your unconditional support and advice. Last night was a crowded one in my bed with the three of us but hey so far we are all better off for it. Thank you for your advice too. I'm going to sit down with DH tonight and see if we can work something out that gives me a bit of help/time out so I can manage/survive. I just need to figure out a way to put it that he actually hears and understands what I'm saying.

Thanks ladies - you are all amazing women and mums!!

[Liviam]

double post

[Mother Goose]

I'm sorry hon, I don't really have much advice. But plenty of

The only real suggestion I have is perhaps to take a break from TT and come back to it when you're a bit less tired?

And I agree - try and get DH to give you some extra help (whether it be getting home on time, missing a few Sat's, or putting the little ones into care for a day a week to let you SLEEP!) or declare Sunday's your own!

Hang in there hon, you're doing GREAT!

MWAH

[onthefly]

Hope the chat with DH goes well. Definately ditch anything non-essential that's complicating things - hopefully your DH can let a few things go too so he can help out more.

[mbear]

Its tough isnt it.....i second about the TT......you know, my 3.5 yr old daughter was looking to be a PITA re: TT. I let it go, i was heavily pregnant with #4 and i just felt i had too much on. In the last week she's said to me 'mum, i dont wanna wear a nappy anymore. Day and night we've gone to knickers and not had one accident...... For me, the older the better. Dont put that uneccessary worry on your plate.

I agree with time out - im at home with 3, 3 and under, with #1 at school till 240pm. My DS only does 2 hour sleep stints at night. I had a meltdown around 2 weeks ago, bit like you, felt i couldnt do this mummy thing, feeling reeeeeeeeeeeeally run down. DH and i agreed i would get 1 hr to myself a week (wow....heaps eh .??? ). Thats all i can really do ATM with breastfeeding the monstor. I feel so energised and ready to be a mummy again after this 60mins of me time. I dont stay at home, i get outta the house. I went to a coffee shop on sunday, read the sun paper, then got my eyebrows done. It really did help...and i guarantee it will help you too....even a walk around the block every second day on your own.....

Hugs...its tough work eh ???

[tan32]

Hi Hun i had one of those days yesterday as well. my little darling wouldnt sleep at all during the day.

Ask your friends to come over to your house for a coffee, that way at least you have invited them and if they turn up they can see just how hectic life can be with little ones. I have days were nothing seems to get done and i used to stress majorly about this, but now i have to let it go or i will loose my mind.

I hope your chat with DH goes well. You do deserve a break too.