Grandparents

[sista]

Hi all,

I had a wonderful r'ship with my mother but things have always been great if they were "her way" - so the first few years of my marriage and my young childrens lives was very painful with lots of tears if I tried to do things the way I wanted. Me being a new mum back then was incredibly difficult but I've now developed, thankfully, a much thicker skin. Now its if you don't like it mum, sorry but that's your problem.

I visit her once a week with the children after scheduled tutoring, we stay for about 2.5 hrs and the kids really enjoy their time - I'm very happy for them, esp as I never had grandparents growing up. Now to cut a long story short, my mum in between jokes and sarcasm, threatens me that if I don't let her see the kids, she can take me to court, and she talks about her "rights" as a grandparent. Think Marie from Everybody loves Raymond I really hate it this r'ship has deteriorated, but she just won't let go

She is doing the emotional blackmail thing with me, but it really makes me resent her - today she made an ultimatum that she wants to look after the kids once a week so I said their tutoring day is a good day, after tutoring (finishes at 11am) you can take them until 5pm. So I don't know if this belongs in the boohoo room but my question does she have legal rights if she were to follow through with what she says?

[willow5]

Hi sista,
I'm afraid I don't know if she has any legal rights there, I wouldn't have thought so seeing as she already does see the kids, I wouldn't have thought she could take you to court because she wants to see them more.
I thought the court thing would only come into the picture if you cut her off completely or if she thought here was abuse or neglect.

Sorry I'm not much help but wanted to offer you some and hope someone has the answer for you.

[Tinks]

I dont know of any legal rights either but why don't you tell her she come and visit the kids at your house a couple fo times a week if she wants more time with them?

[Rivlas]

As much as I love my grand kids they are not mine.
I love them alot and really miss them since they have just moved.
Your mother should be greatful that she is close enough to enjoy them when alot of others don't even have grandparents.
Before you even answer her contact legal aid or someone who has the info to back you and then let her know gently that these are your children but if she continues this way she will loose the wonderful relationship she has with you all.
Does she really realise how lucky she is?
If she is that lonely get her into fostering, there are programs that are looking for people to be grandparents to kids who don't have any.
Don't let her get to you, remember she has had her time of bringing up her family, mistakes and all, it is now your time, mistakes and all

[sista]

She isn't on speaking terms with my husband, my husband has tried to make amends but she won't hear of it. Just old age, stubborness and inflexibility all tied into one. For this reason, she won't come to my home. I never had grandparents and have really bitten my tongue on sooooo many occasions for my children's sake There are time when I truly do wish that I could completely pull the plug but I love my children too much to do that.

She wouldn't foster, she just has her world in a little bubble, its quite sad really. There's a bit of jealousy mixed in it too. Thanks so much willow - that was my point too, its not like she doesn't see them she does, but wants to see them more.

[briggsy's girl]

grandparents can go through family relationships australia and organise mediation to allow access - if you don't show up, then she can go to court and get court appointed access. this would normally only happen when you're not allowing them ANY access. given your children are seeing your mother for a couple of hours a week, she'd probably be told to suck it up - but i can't guarantee that.

2.5 hours is a fairly reasonable visit to be honest. my DD is 5 months and we generally see my parents once a week. this week it was yesterday for about 4 hours - was an hour or so longer than it was supposed to be as DH worked back so couldn't pick me up until later. if we go 10 days or 2 weeks, so be it!

i would think that mediation/court would onlly come into it in cases where there is no access at all

[Indadhanu]

Yes, she has legal rights, especially since she has an existing relationship with them. Unless you could prove that its better for the kids not to be around her.
But since she's seeing them 2.5 hours a week a court would probably tell her she has the sweet life and to get over it. All they'd do is probably get the regular contact 'guarentee' in writing, but she'd probably have to push for even that considering its not like you're threatening to stop.

Its really only relevant if you were limiting contact to once a year or even preventing it all together KWIM. She's got it good.

[sista]

Ok thanks so much for your help everyone, I've heard what I needed to hear, its just so sad that it comes to this though.

[Indadhanu]

It's a hard situation sista, when I first got pregnant my parents acted very stupidly and said they'd take us to court for custody. It's a bit different, my parents were questioning our parenting ability, not just asking for regular contact, but in the end they didn't follow through. So in a way I know how you feel, being threatened by your parents is a terrible thing. Your mum is very lucky, my parents live over an hour away and don't see Jazz nearly as often as I'd like them to

[Rivlas]

I would still talk to someone to see exactly where you stand. That way, next time she threatens you you can the tell her how it really is.
How sad that she is doing this as in the end she will be the one loosing out if she caused a rift in the family. Your family unit is too important to cave into her demands
I think, no, know the problems lies with her especially as she won't come to your house. No court will listen to that unless your DH has threatened her etc.
Until she comes to her senses nothing will change from her end. Just remind her how lucky she is that she lives close enough to enjoy her GK's.

[briggsy's girl]

give the family relationships advice line a call - they can give you more accurate info than we can hun. they will help you to understand her "rights" and also to clear up for you under what circumstances she would be given more access.

[sista]

Excellent, thank you so much - like I said before, she lives in her own bubble and because of that she really doesn't see how good things are for her. Her life revolves around her own cultural tv programmes, going out for a drive, doing work in the garden and going overseas every two-three years. I will definitley give the family r'ships phone line a call.
eta: my husband has given up trying to reconcile, and he's never stood in my way for taking the kids either but he just doesn't want to come face to face with them anymore....