How to decide to have another or not....

[MrsFabuloso]

Ok I just wrote a humongous post but my net dropped out and I lost it all...but just quickly before I race out the door to pick up DD.

I have always wanted 3-4 children. DH and I compromised on having 3. Until DS was born. He then said no more. He gave a variety of reasons, in which I can see his point. So he being half of our baby making machine (lol) I have tried to accept this. I have spent the last year or so looking on the positive side of having no more chidren.
Bu this last week we have had a pg 'scare' for lack of a better word. I did a pg test and it was negative and I am swining between disappointment and relief. DH was rather blase anout the possibility of another bub. He was just 'whatever will be will be'. There was no crisis, no what the heck will we do with another baby.....just hmmm, ok we'll see what happens....

AF still hasn't arrived and I am still quietly hoping I could be pg. Every time I see a pg woman I can't help but stare at her, new babies too. I am clucky. Got a bit jealous (again no better words!) of a workmate who is pg and due mid next yr.....

I have reasons for both side of this problem....but how do I decide? Anyone else been in a similar situation? If I were to start ttc, I would want to soon, I would like my kids close, and well, DS is 2 in 9ish months time....

Arrgh what to do??????????? Give me your opinions. I know noone but DH and I can make this decision, but some lovely wise words from you all would be wonderful

TIA

[my-three-monkeys]

I think you know in your heart when you are 'done'.
I love babies, but not in that ' gee I could really have another one' kinda way. LOL.
After 3, I have been able to give away all my baby items without a care in the world, but some mothers just can't do that. That is my sign that I am done babymaking anyway.
Good Luck.

[Just Me]

I'm in the same boat as you. DH and I always wanted 4 children but since the birth of DD2, we are thinking maybe we should just settle on 3 for a number of reasons including my health as I have had GD in my last 2 pregnancies and even though I lost a bit of weight between DS and DD2, my GD was worse the second time around so I think it will just get progressively more so with every pg. Also now I have had a c-sect and I NEVER want to go through that again, but there is no guarantee of a natural labour.

Also, pg was hard on me last time looking after 2 kids and I was soooo tired. I worry that by being pregnant again, I would not be caring for the kids I already have the way that I should and the way that I want to. I don't see any point in us having more kids if we can't appreciate the kids we already have, IYKWIM. I feel good about myself as a Mum at the moment and feel confident in most things to do with my parenting ability, I didn't feel that way when I was pregnant and it affects the way that I parent.

I have been looking at all the positives of only having 3 kids and can see a lot of benefits but I guess I worry that I will regret not having 4 and doing what we always planned. I want them close so if I don't have another baby in the next year or two, we won't have any more and that will be that, but we are thinking a lot about what we want at the moment too. I don't know why I can't let it go that easily - having another baby - everything logically seems in favour of us stopping at 3, but I guess there is still a desire for a 4th.

DH is a gem. He is extremely happy to stop at 3 kids, but will happily consider 4 if it's what I want. I think he would really like to just have 3 though. He feels really good about stopping now.

Sorry, don't think that helped much but I am very interested in this discussion and lots of the things you said rang very true with me as well. You are not alone in the decision and I have no idea how you make this decision as it's consequences are life long. I guess I don't want to regret my decision if I decide not to have another one. I know that if I have a 4th, I won't regret that decision because I can't regret another little life, but it doesn't mean that it is the right decision for us IYKWIM.

Anyway, thanks for starting this thread, it is something I am really interested in discussing.

[MrsFabuloso]

my three monkeys, I have donated most of my baby stuff as DS grew out of it. All of our baby clothes and furniture is gone. All I have left is the porta cot, high chair (not suitable for under 6mths) and stroller (also not suitable for under 6mths). That's it. I haven't kept any of his clothes and donated all of DD's that I had stored. So that doesn't seem to be any kind of indication for me, lol!

I still have the desire to have another baby. But I don't know if it's just that, the desire to have a baby or to actually add to our family and have another child, kwim?? My son is almost 16mths old now, and I was ready to give birth to DS by the time DD was 16mths. DS was an unplanned pg too(well, we planned on having another, but not so soon after DD), so I didn't really get the chance to kind of decide to have him. I didn't go through the 'when should we ttc again' stuff before I had him. So I don't know if this is how I would have felt then, or if it's just normal 'Im not having anymore children' kind of mourning or something.

Just me, I am lucky in that I have had quite healthy pg's (but that won't guarentee another healthy pg!). But I don't especially enjoy being pg. Though with another pg I would make more of an effort to ensure I did because it would definately be my last. But I am overweight now. I haven't lost much weight from having DS. And I am fairly unfit and my core muscles are unstable making my back a bit of a problem in pg. I only put on about 9kgs but I have probably only lost about 4of that. Then as well as that I have about 25-30kgs I could lose to be a healthy weight (but realistically it would be 20kg). I have no other health issues to worry about though.

I do worry about having 2 kids and working and being pg. It was tough with one, let alone two. But we could possibly have some changes coming our way that may mean I can be a SAHM again. But that might not be for a few months maybe up to 6mths. I don't know if I want to wait that long. If I weren't pg by that time I would probably not want to continue TTC. I don't really want more than 2 1/2yrs between the kids. I know it's not a long time, but....I don't know!

Parenting is another thing too. I really struggled with having both DD and DS. Now things are ok, but until DS was about 9mths I found life really tough with them. But I am also suffering with depression. I am managing it, but it's only recently I have gotten mostly on top of it.

I can see DH points too. I see his side of things. He grew up without much money in his family. His dad was unable to work due to injury and his mum was his carer so didn't work in the paid workforce either. They rarely had luxuries and DH feels he missed out on alot. He doesn't want that for our family. But he and his three brothers are lovely people. I hope my DS would grow into such a man. They are all loyal, loving, intelligent, caring people. Money isn't everything...but it is important. I would like to live a relatively comfortable life. So would DH. I want to provide my children with things they want to have like sports programs and music lessons if that's what they like. Having three to do those things would be exxy!

If we had another baby, we would need to get all the baby stuff again. Clothes, furniture....all of it. Probably a new car, new house. We only life in a 2 br unit at the mo, so definately a new house. But that would be one of the changes I mentioned. The opportunity to move with DH's work and we would get a house to live in.

DH doesn't want another baby. But I think if we really sat down and talked it through again, he would probably be open to another one. He is very supportive and a great daddy. He wants to get a vasectomy. But I don't want him to before we really talk and sort through this. But I need to think about it and decide if I want to do it for the right reasons....

Wow, what alot of waffle!!

Arrrgggh, I'm soo confused!!!

[my-three-monkeys]

I can totally understand where you are both you and your DH are coming from. I suppose our reasoning for stopping at three kids is also a financial one. Adding another child, would mean I would be a SAHM for even longer and would set us back again as far as being 'comfortable' and buying our dream home etc etc.......(and I am starting to enjoy my independence again. LOL)
I'm sure whatever you decide it will be what is best for you and your family.
Most importantly take time to look after yourself aswell.

[Just Me]

I totally hear you, Lilias. I don't think I can provide any answers for you because the same things going through your head about having another baby are the same things going through mine. Money isn't everything but it is nice to be able to give your kids everything they need without worry and some extras on top of that. We had to replace our car for baby number 3 (we got a Tarago) but we don't use the back 3 seats. They are folded up for boot space. We got a newer model so the seats would be split fold and we could still fold up 2 of them while having one set up and put one of the kids in the very back but the new child restraint laws really does make it difficult to have 4 kids under 7 (there is no practical way to set up car seats for 4 kids and believe me we have looked!).

There are so many issues to consider. Practically it really doesn't make sense to have one more baby, but the desire is huge. And I think about the same things you do with whether or not I want another child or whether I just want to be pg again (even though I had GD, I have had great pg, I just don't want to increase my risk further of developing type 2 diabetes because I don't think it is fair on my family for me to put myself at risk like that). In some ways though, if I could skip the whole newborn thing and just have a toddler then I most probably go for it. Managing a newborn and 3 kids is really a daunting idea because it is tough with a newborn and 2 others. But I have survived so far and know that I will survive again and get through it. I guess that's the thing though - I don't want to be just surviving, I want to be living.

Sorry, I am talking about me a lot. I guess I just don't know what advice to offer you so I am just telling you about the things going through my head because I have found it quite normalising that you are thinking through the same issues as me.

Mum to 3 - I totally get what you mean about independence too. Thinking this could be our last baby, I have started to picture myself in 2 years time with my youngest being 2 years old and how incredibly different and easy my life would be by then if I don't have another baby.

It is such a difficult decision. Lilias - I hope you find peace with what you want to do soon. There is lots to think about and I think it is good for your DH to hold off having a vaesectomy until you find peace with whatever you decide to do. If he goes and has one before you are ready, you will most probably always feel like you would have had another baby just because the decision was no longer there to make IYKWIM. Talking it over with him may help a lot or like it is with my DH, we just talk in circles about all the good things about having one more and leaving things the way they are. We can see merits on both sides and because neither of us knows entirely what we want, we just discuss it for ages but never come to a conclusion that we are happy with.

I think that we have decided on a guideline of me losing 10kg (so that I am in my healthy BMI range) before we will even look at another baby. We also don't want them too far apart so if I am not pg by August next year we think we will just let it go. For me, it is important to set goals and time frames. You never know, after I go to all the effort to lose the weight, I may not want to put it back on again with pg as well. I am also bfing and it is working really well for us this time so there is a chance that I won't be able to get pg anyway if I am still feeding. But I guess because we aren't making a decision at the moment, we have just set goals to achieve before we make any decisions and we will see how we are feeling once those goals are achieved if that makes sense.

[MrsFabuloso]

I still haven't mustered up the courage to talk to DH about it....

Just me you said it well, practically it doesn't make much sense to have another....we would need a new well, everything!! Cot, carseat, clothes....car, house....money could be an issue. But I still want to do it I think, lol! And I don't like being pg, I don't enjoy the newborn stage, I hate the sleeplessness, it's a very real issue that I might get PND (due to having depression now). But I still want to do it (I think!!) How unbelievably silly is it!! I wouldn't do anything else other than have a baby with so many negative factors in the picture, so why would I do this??!! Why would I want to?
Becaue babies are such a blessing that's why! Because I would love to give my DD and DS a little brother or sister. Because my children are so precious, why would I not want more!

Arrrrggghhh, still sooooooooooo confused!

[widdly]

Maybe if DH is so adamant he doesn't want any more babies, you just need to wait a while longer and then revisit the idea with him? I reckon having another one when he isnt totally into the idea would be a mistake.

I know how agonsising this decision can be, I stressed over it for 3 years! GL x

[*Ali*]

lilias I really hear ya on this one, I am have been struggling down this road for a while now and every day I change my mind. DH and I were all set to and did start TTC a couple of months ago- then I got a really good opportunity at work, which meant that TTC would have to be put on hold for a while.
I was very adament about age gaps, I didnt want to have too much of a gap between #2 and #3 as DD and DS are only 18 months apart. However, I have let that go now, and realised in the grand scheme of things it doesnt really matter, with DD and DS being so close together I am finding dealing with a 2 and 3 1/2 yo quite challenging at times, I also look at the things DS is doing now and realise that I missed alot of that with DD when she was this age, because I was dealing with everything that goes along with having a new baby, and I feel sad about that sometimes.

So for us, we have just left it out there, yes we might still have another, we cant even start trying for 6 months because I love my job, and I need to finish another 12 month contract before I can get my permenancy, and that is really important to me, because with that I will have some financial stability. DD starts Kindy next year so I would like to be able to devote some time and attention to her in that transistion, as well as give some quality time to DS on his own, as I have never had that chance before. If there endsup being a 3 1/2 year gap between DS and #3 and a 5 year gap between DD and #3, then so be it, it is not going to be the end of the world, and in some respects might even be easier on all of us.

So I guess what I am saying is that you dont ahve to make a decision now, you are still young, and your babies are still young- there is nothing wrong with saying yes this is something I would like to do, but I am ok with waiting for another 6-12 months. I think for me part of the urgency, which I now have dealt with and feel happy to wait, was a little bit of fear and uncertainty about what the next stage of motherhood would bring to me- I only know babies and toddlers. Now that I know there is the chance to have #3 if I want, but without too many time constraints I am much more at peace with the situation.

[widdly]

I agree with everything Ali said

[MrsFabuloso]

Thanks ladies. You have all given me things to think about.

Widdly, I think because he has said no more is the reason why this is proving to be such a difficult decision for me. I need to be really sure that it's what I truly want. Because if I only kind of want it and then manage to convince him that we should when I know he would rather not....well I don't know. I don't want him to resent me for it I guess. And I especially don't want him to ever resent a child we have as a result. It wouldn't be the baby;s fault s/he was born! I don't think he would be resentful to the baby though, he's not really like that anyway. If he said yes then he would accept the consequences. But I just want to be really sure. I would never do anything without talking to him first!

Ali, I have been putting a 'time limit' on myself if we were to have another baby.

I would like my children to be close in age. My brothers and I are 8 and 9 year apart and I always felt like an only child. Now I am not planning on having my children with that much of a gap, but I was hoping for no more than 2ish years. And DD is now 2 1/2 and DS is 15mths. I don't know why that particular time frame, but that's just what I have always had in mind. I would also like to be done having kids....well I did say before I was 30, but that time has lapsed! I guess I need to move those goal posts! 33 maybe....but I am 31 now so I would have to get things moving!! Maybe I just need to forget the timeframes. They really have no bearing on anything other than what I have just always thought, kwim?? Because a pg is (usually!) 9ish mths long, it would be almost another year on top of the year I put it on hold for, kwim?!

For me, my job isn't any kind of deterrant for us having another bub. If anything it might be another reason. If I have another it would be more financially viable for me to stay home for another few years. I could ba a full time SAHM again. I'm not really enjoying working and trying to be wife, mum, house cleaner....yada yada. Because I am only part time, I am still full time mum, house wife, wife...it's proving difficult for me to be very good at any one of them, simply because I am being pulled here, there and everywhere. Whist I do enjoy my job, I would much rather be home with my babes.

Nothing is any clearer for me......

[*becstar*]

Oh I totally understand. TOTALLY.

My anguish comes from DH being an adamant NO and me struggling to accept that. I still haven't. However i know what makes me go crazy about it is when I set time limits that I then panic about fulfilling. silly i know. Ideally i wanted to get my Mirena out NOW, and TTC in Feb......it's not going to happen. That would mean a 3 yr gap. I don't want a bigger gap than that but DH still says no.

So for my sanity at the moment I'm still not giving up but i'm relaxing a bit. So what if it means I have a 4 yr gap? or even 5?? if it's meant to be it will be.

I understand all too well the inanity of it all and how crazy ti makes you.

Sorry I can't go into much more detail....I'm doing ok in this department atm.....don't wanna trigger it again yk??? Good luck hun.

xxx

[Marlene]

I know exactly how you are feeling.

In the last few weeks I have had three playgroup friends...and another friend announce their pregnancies. I KNOW I am not finished having babies, but can't see myself having another one in my current financial/relationship situation.

I just can't stop thinking about it.

As for how to decide...only you and DH know your situation, but if you are both happy to go ahead....do it! If one is un-decided make sure you are both on the same page before TTC or it could cause problems.

[MrsFabuloso]

becstar, I am trying to think that what will be will be and not stress over it too....it's hard though when your heart is all for it and your common sense and hubby are saying no.

Marlene, I would never get pg without DH's consent. That is just reprehensible! The only way that would happen is if it were an accident....and the way we are going it is entirely possible! And if that were to happen then I think DH would just accept that this is meant to be. He's that kind of guy. Doesn't dwell on the whys or what ifs. Me on the other hand......

[megs]

This is a good thread, I too am in that situation. I currently have 3 boys and am very undecided as to whether to try for #4. DH is fairly adament that he only wants 3.

I'm trying to work out why it is that I want another, is it just to try for the girl, being realistic chances are I will have another boy. How will a 4th child change the dynamics of the family, if it is a girl will she become a spoilt princess, or totally loved by 3 older brothers. If another boy, well 4 boys (that will be expensive to feed) Having only boys is easier, will all do similar sports etc don't have to try and juggle as many things.

It makes life more difficult, less choice in cars, more luggage for holidays.

I too could do with losing some weight before looking at getting pregnant again, need to lose 20kg before attempting anything.

So I'm sorry I'm no help but just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel, I currently look at my little man and think are you my last baby and should I be enjoying every little moment just that bit more.

[Marlene]

Marlene, I would never get pg without DH's consent. That is just reprehensible!

Oh gosh, I would never suggest that you would do that on purpose. I just mean that if even one person (you or him) is not sure, sometimes one will go along with the other without really thinking it through...and then might feel resentful later. But with you guys it certainly sounds like if you got a surprise package you would both be ok with it anyway

[ladybird11]

We're going to have a third, initially we were going TTC number three like now, and that scared the beejesus out of me lol after just having number 2 late July 09, so I'm happy we're going to have the two older kids together, and the last one in maybe 18mths or so, will be like mumma's baby And the age gap isn't too big that they can't all play together in the future...

How is the decision making going?

[MrsFabuloso]

**double post**