In April 2009 I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I was so excited – I remember crying when I saw that BFP. Blood tests indicated that things were going well, until I was 6.1 weeks and had some weird tissue loss (I think it was my mucous plug). As we go to the ER quite late, they organised for me to go in the next day for an u/s. The u/s showed that everything was fine – there was my little baby, right where it was supposed to be, heartbeat and all.
The next day I started to spot. I completely freaked out, but eventually convinced myself that the u/s probe could have just irritated my insides a little and as it was brown, it was probably ok. Over the next few days the spotting got heavier and at 6.6 weeks, I started bleeding. My GP organised for me to get another u/s the following day – effectively to confirm that my body had managed to expel all of the pregnancy tissue.
I went to the scan – by this stage I was losing large chunks of tissue. Low and behold, my baby was still there. Bigger, with a stronger heartbeat. At this stage I think I already knew that this was not going to have a happy ending, even though it seemed that my baby still seemed ok and on schedule.
I woke up that night at about 12.30 with gastro-like pain. I got up and after being on the toilet for about 30 mins, I felt a strange sliding sensation and the pain subsided. I looked back in the toilet – there was the complete sac, in tact with baby inside. I then threw up for the first time in the pregnancy. I went back to bed, cuddled up to DH, and knew that it was all over.
It was hard to deal with the concept that I had seen my baby on the ultrasound screen, looking perfectly healthy, 12 hours before I saw my baby in the toilet.
In September I found out that I was pregnant again. I was really happy – but not as excited as the first time. When I went to see my GP, he suggested an u/s to ensure everything was tracking ok. With the last experience, I knew that an u/s would provide me with no comfort and said I wasn’t interested. At about 5 weeks, I started to spot again so a blood test and u/s was arranged, My hcg came back a lot higher than I was expecting. The u/s showed a gestational sac measuring 7.5 weeks, but no fetal pole or heartbeat. None of the medical staff would tell me anything other than to wait a week and repeat.
The next week I had another blood test, showing that my hcg was in the range for a normal 7-12 week pregnancy, which I knew wasn’t right. But when I asked questions about this, I was told that everybody is different. The u/s showed a fetus and heartbeat, measuring 6.1 weeks. I asked about the fact that the baby was 6.1 weeks while the gestational sac was about 9 weeks – I was told that it wasn’t an exact science, and not to worry about it.
I went home, looked up high hcg levels and found out that there were two causes of high hcg levels. One being that I might have miscalculated my dates – I knew I was not out by that much – and the other was a molar pregnancy which I read up on and decided didn’t apply to me, as in molar pregnancies there should be no fetus and I had a fetus with a good heartbeat.
2 weeks later I had my first ob visit. Because of my concerns and the fact that my uterus is backwards (meaning he couldn’t see as much detail as he would like on his machine) he sent me off for a detailed scan. The scan showed that little Peanut had grown perfectly since the last scan. Peanut had a strong heartbeat, a head, had started to grow little arms and even gave us a little wriggle to say hello! I was starting to get really excited.
Our ob decided to send us for another scan, to settle a “date discrepancy”.
DH and I woke up on the morning I was 10.1 weeks. We were looking forward to our scan that afternoon – I could tell DH was starting to get excited too. We were talking about names we liked and how many kids we thought we’d like to have. We did some shopping and headed off to our scan. The tech started scanning – and I was desperately looking for a heartbeat. The tech told us that little Peanut was only 8.4 weeks. We were absolutely shattered.
Although we waited to see if my body would expel Peanut on its own, 3 weeks after Peanut had died our ob told us we’d have to have a D&C, as I still hadn’t had any pain or bleeding. Having the D&C done was one on the most emotionally draining experiences of my life. Agreeing to have it done was like agreeing to kill my baby.
Almost 3 weeks later I’m still discharging tissue and the like. My ob now has me on antibiotics in case of infection. He’s also ordered an hcg test and ultrasound, and may book me in for another D&C next week, depending on what my test results say. He’s also told me that examination has shown that my little peanut was in fact a partial molar. I feel angry that I had been asking questions about that and been dismissed. At least the anger has replaced the guilt that comes with having lost a pregnancy that had seemed so perfect.
I'm hoping that by sharing this with other people who have been through it, I may be able to start to heal. While the people in my life (who I've told) have been really supportive - they can't understand. To those of you who made it this far, I thank you for reading my verbal diarrhoea.
Oh, hun, I'm so sorry for your hard year, and both your losses
I had a partial molar in July too, so I can begin to understand your ordeal. It's so hard to move on from it when you're still having all these blood tests and you have to wait. It's rare enough that most people haven't heard of it, so don't understand - and explaining it can really suck.
Take care of yourself - there is a thread here called TTC after partial molar pregnancy, and there's quite a few ladies around who you mgiht find some comfort in talking to.
I'm sorry that it's under such sad circumstances, but welcome to BellyBelly.
Thank you snugglybean
It's comforting to find people who know what you're going through.
However - it is a little overwhelming to see what I'm in for - I haven't even got to the repeated blood tests yet - they are still waiting for my body to recover from the d&c and see if they got everything. Although my ob did say that I should only have to wait through a couple of normal cycles before we can start to start ttc again.
Cokie so sorry to raed your sad story X
RIP little angels X
Take care of yourself and Dh, give yourself time to heal.
We are all here for you to support you through this, welcome to BB X
Hey cookie, if your ob says you only have to wait a coupleof cycles, then you can count your blessings, hard as it seems, cos we Queenslanders cop a 6 month sentence...
Good luck with your d & c results. My repeat bloods started a week after mine, and I was on weeklies until I got <1.2 (zero) which took me 50 days, and then monthly tests after that, and my last one is next week
I remember feeling really overwhelmed, and drained, and sad and tired and emotionally incapable of handling it. And yet here I am, I made it through and we are ready to start trying again. And it feels good. There are a couple of girls on here, and that I have met, that have gone on to have babies (incredible babies) after a PMP, and that hope has helped me through.
Stay in touch! Talk it out a lot, it has certainly helped me out.
I am so very sorry for the losses you have had to endure. I know how this feels and I can only say that I am here to listen if you need it.
Your story is different but at the same time so similar.
I know its tough but try and hang in there. My thoughts are with you.
It really is so comforting to find people who really do understand all of this, who understand that "these things happen" just doesn't cut it.
I have been reading about your journey Snugglybean - I imagine it would be some what invigourating to know that the last test is just around the corner - that physically, it's almost over - and you survived
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