He's just another baby....

[luna moth]

So I have a nephew. He turns 1 fairly soon. He lives interstate - SIL was 13 weeks pg when we moved away. She was pretty upset about it, DH is her only sibling, and she is very family oriented - doesn't cope well with change.

We were so so so excited about it, he's my first nephew ever. We flew down for her EDD, hoping to see him, used all our holidays to be there. (Missed him by 24 hours, the little monkey!)

SIL asked for advice on a lot of stuff, from very early on, because of my background in childcare. I have a lot of opinions, but, because of my training, I'm pretty good at facilitating confidence in any parenting choices. So I'd just present both sides of every argument, like I would at work.

So SIL brought him to us at 9 weeks old. We had a great time, hung out with him heaps, I felt really happy, and had a little cry when it was time for them to go. SIL and I even bonded a fair bit over the way MIL interfered and didn't "get" a lot of SIL's ideas and routines, and interrupted them. I didn't agree with some of her choices, but they were working for her, making her a happier (and therefore, I think, better) mother. So I went along with it.

Next we saw him he was 5 months old. Got a little cuddle when we went out for lunch, but found that MIL was spending a lot of time with him to our exclusion - like giving him a bath when we were right there, feeding him, generally overstimulating him etc. So DH and I hardly really saw him or got to know him. I was 10 wks pg, and due the same week as his birthday.

The next time we saw him he was 9 months old. We had lost our baby and were in the post-molar limbo time. First time we'd seen family etc after our m/c. So, again, a 5 minute cuddle over dinner in a restaurant, and then nothing for the next three days. And when SIL brought up any child-raising issues, I used my background to deliberately give a conflicting opinion. Where I might have said "well, some people report success with such and such, but there's other ways around it, like doing xxx" I found myself saying "It's not widely recommended because of....." and "I don't think I'd do it that way"
But I put that aside, and tried to bond with my nephew. Pried him away from the rest of the family and we went for a little wander. Talked to him, mucked around with him, sang, did all sorts of silly bonding stuff that I always do. And.... nothing. I feel no emotion for him at all. He smiled at me and all, and made heaps of eye contact, but I didn't feel any kind of connection.

I have to add as a disclaimer that since our m/c I have continued working in childcare, with all age groups, but particularly babies (I remember posting somewhere that hanging out with babies is actually awesome after a m/c because they seem a little bit more miraculous AND they are 100 times less likely to say something insensitive or dumb) and I have made some good strong connections with babies at work.

But not this little one, who's a member of my family. He's just another baby.

So this is partly a vent, but also pondering: is there a reason for all this - something I don't see? How can I try to fix it? I'm open to all suggestions - be brutal, because things have been a bit foggy around here lately.

And thanks for reading it, if you managed to go all the way

[Floweryfields]

This is what I have to offer you:
Firstly a very tough situation for you, you are still hurting and that's very hard for you. The way I see how you are reacting is, your nephew is family and you probably have some deep resentment there because your SIL has a baby and you lost yours - I don't think that's wrong, I think it's actually quite a natural reaction. I think deep down it makes you sad to see you MIL with her grandson and you wish she was interacting with your baby too.
Whereas the children at work, while you do get somewhat attached to them, they aren't blood, they are just other peoples children, people who aren't close and aren't part of your outside world, they are your occupation - you are paid to relate well to them.

I think it will be a healing process for you - hugs that you get through it.

[*EJ*]

Sorry for your loss and for the confusion you are feeling at the moment

I had a bit of a 'WOW' moment reading your post because i relate to what you are saying so much but from a different level. Without highjacking the post in anyway i will just say that i am in a position where i'm a parent of a baby/children that i feel my sil is not relating to anyway near how she was since the loss of her child.

There are differences in the situation but with all the questions that have been running through my head what you are saying really does clarify to me and hopefully for you that we have feelings that we can't control especially when grieving and you are entitled to your feelings. It doesn't sound like you are intentionally trying to push the child away or hurt anyone in the process. In time you may feel a connection to your nephew but maybe right now you are not emotionally ready.

It sounds like you are a lovely caring person and have a fantastic outlook on life and parenting, practical and professional. I don't have any advice from being in your situation but from my angle i can say i have chosen to allow this road to run it's course. Your nephew (my sil) will be around for many years and i'm sure time will heal. Don't push yourself or beat yourself up about the feelings you are feeling. Time will heal xox

[luna moth]

Thanks girls.

I've been thinking about talking to MIL about it. SIL wouldn't get it - she looked at me liked I'd stabbed her when I suggested cloth nappies - so doesn't have the most open mind. I don't know what that might achieve, but I think it would at least open some channels for her to help me out with bonding. She has a tendency to remove me from baby situations (always has) with words along the lines of "you do this all day, you don't want to spend your time off looking after babies" and I don't think she realises this is doing damage.

Meanwhile, SIL and I do have very different opinions on things. The difference is that where I might have kept my mouth shut for peace's sake, now I don't. It's pretty rude, and I need to get on top of it.

[mrsmac]

I think spending a lot of time with nieces or nephews increases the bond too. My nieces I see at least once a week and get unlimited (except by them LOL) cuddles/time etc with them. I feel a bond with them and I truly love them. My nephew is on DH's side and I ahve only spent a small amt of time with him as they lives interstate, I love him cause he is my nephew but I feel no particular bond with him. His mum SIL, also parents completely differently to me (rigid routines, full time CC even though she isn't at work, FF etc) whereas my nieces mum (also a SIL) mothers much more like me.

[Willow]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I think this has very little to do with your loss. This is just life. There are lots of little people in my life who I feel connected to and have a bond with and others I just...don't.

One of my nephews is like this. I love him because he is family but I honestly don't feel bonded to him and we do actually spend a lot of time together. I don't feel affectionate towards him at all and have to force myself to give him a cuddle and play with him I feel terribly guilty about it but my theory is that babies are just little people - and some people we connect with and some we don't. I'm not sure that I will always feel this way about him, perhaps as he grows and starts talking etc then I will start to be able to interact with him more. I would try spending more time with your nephew if you can and work on bonding, but I wouldn't force the issue.

Your SIL is another issue all together. Perhaps you are feeling a bit of resentment towards her. But you're aware of it and that's the first step.

[luna moth]

thanks Willow. That really does help me out. But I am disappointed that that's how it is with him. Early on, I felt like we did have some sort of bond, but now I don't feel like we do. And I do wonder if that's me, or him, or something else that's caused the change.

So I guess I'll just have to work a bit harder at it.

[widdly]

Hun I dont have anything wise to tell you, just sending you my love x

[Traveller]

I agree with Willow. I have a niece and nephew who I have only met a handful of times. I love them because they are my sister's kids but I have no attachment to them. They barely know me and I barely know them. Similarly with my siblings and my kids, they care about them but they are really just kids they barely know.

It gets better with age, now DS1 is 5 he can chat on the phone with my sister and brother so they have more contact and hence there is more of a bond. This is just one of the side effects of living far away from someone I guess, although it is hard when you realise that there is no real relationship with little people who are so closely related to you.