My 4th Tiny Angel

[mako]

I cannot believe I'm here posting under this title, but yes its true

On the Thursday 17th December 2009 I came home from work and couldn't believe my eyes. I was bleeding. I rang my DH and told him that I was heading for the hospital. He told me to wait for him as he would only be 5 minutes. So we headed off to the emergency dept and spent a few hours there having tests and finally an ultrasound which showed bub was ok and had grown since my scan on the Monday before and the heartrate had also increased. We were told our miracle baby was ok and sent home. Deep down I knew differently even after the scan. Friday 18th December I was still bleeding and not feeling great. I stayed home from work( much to my boss's discust being last day of term and all but not knowing the reason I was staying home) and tried to rest as much as you can with a 2 year old. Saturday I had to go for a drive and drop some things off to a friend. I left DS with MIL and DH went to work. On my way there I wasn't feeling great but was feeling sooo much worse on the way home. I came home went to the toilet and freaked when the bleeding had turned bright red. I knew exactly what was happening. I rang MIL and DH to tell them I was going to hospital again. I headed off when MIL rang and told me to go to her place and she and DS would take me. Off we went. We arrived at emergency and was given 2 panadol for the pain and told to sit and wait to be called in. An hour passed and I needed to go to the toilet again. I go and tell the Triage and see if I'm allowed to go and if I need to provide a sample( Thursday I wasn't allowed to pee unless I used a pan). I was given a cup and sent to the public toilet. Things turned for the worst. I go back through waiting room (past MIL and DS who poor little fella was calling out for me) to Triage and tell them I need to be taken out of waiting room as I'm covered in blood(thank god for black shorts). They take me straight away and do observations etc before finding me a bed.
Not long after I was given a bed DH arrived. I burst into tears again telling him I'm sorry and he doesn't need to be there seeing me like this and I'm such a failure. I had to beg to be given an ultrasound as "they don't like doing them" on a weekend. I was beside myself. I knew exactly what was happening but needed to be told if that makes sense. So I was taken down to have a scan only for the sonographer to sit in silence not saying anything to me. DH waited outside as he didn't want to go in. Who can blame him really. I finally plucked the courage and asked if the sonographer could see anything. He looked at me and said all he could see was a huge amount of blood and no signs of a baby I thanked him and got up and got back into the wheel chair and asked to be taken back to my DH. We were then admitted into the short stay unit. A Dr came in and saw us and suggested he do an internal exam and try to remove any "product" that may be left. I asked to be given some privacy with DH to discuss it with him. I wasn't keen to have this procedure done but ended up giving the DR consent. OMG I wouldn't wish that on anyone. DH was asked to leave the room so he went home and got me some fresh clothes and came back an hour later.
I had to stay for a couple of hours longer for monitoring before I was allowed to go home.
I cannot believe my baby had grown its wings at exactly 8 weeks and has joined my 3 other angels. I thought all was ok once I'd passed the dates I'd m/c'd them but obviously this little one had other thoughts on where he or she needed to be.

I'm so so angry and so sad and still feel like such a failure to my DH,DS and my angels.
My DH and DS have been wonderful during this but they have copped more than they need too. I'm so very sorry to them both for me yelling and crying and not even being able to smile on Christmas Day. All I could do was cry and cry. I wish I'd stayed in bed that day so I didn't wreck their day.
I'm greatful for the care I received at both hospitals I went to. I wouldn't wish this nightmare on anyone. Please don't feel obliged to respond to this thread. I just needed to get my story out so hopefully I can try and move forward. I honestly don't know how I can move forward just yet but a minute at a time is all I'm capable of.

I'm so sorry if this is all over the place too.

[Rainbow_Mumma]

i am so very sorry to hear of your loss, i dont really know what to say except i understand where you are coming from I've had 1 son pass away and 5 m/c. I hope you get your miracle one day and dont be too hard on yourself about DH and DS we all have our own way of greiving. Big massive hugs

[Olive]

awwww hun, no words just lots of hugs to you and DH

[Butterfly Child]

Aww hun im so so sorry for the loss of your precious angel, my thoughts and prayers are with you! i wish i could take this pain away from you some how! but i just want to tel you this is by no means your fault ok so dont ever put blame on yourself im so so sorry again for your loss your in my thoughts beautiful xoxo

[onthefly]

Oh hun, how could we not respond?
I'm just
Cyber is all I have for you, I so very sorry for your loss, I truly am

[Nelle]

Oh Mako. I'm so sorry your baby couldn't stay. xo

[BekZ]

Mako I still can't believe that you have suffered like this you are a beautiful person and such a wonderfully Mummy to Master S. Your story is close to mine and my heart is so sad to know that you've walked this path too. Mako my sweet friend please take care of yourself. You know we are all here for you.

[human bean]

I am so very very sorry

[briggsy's girl]

i am so sorry Mako - it's so nor fair!

just want to send you some hugs babe. take care of you

[MistyFying]

Mako I'm so sorry for your loss

[Cassius2]

oh Mako i am so sorry that your angel grew wings

[Arimeh]

Just so not fair

[rufalina]

so sorry hun.

[MrsB26]

Mako, i'm so very sorry hun

[~Kim~]

oh babe you are most certainly not a failure.
I'm so sorry.

[Willow]

Oh my beautiful friend, my heart is breaking all over again reading the details of your pain...

I'm so, so, so very sorry It's not fair and it's not right and I am angry too. You know I'm here for you whenever, whatever I can do to make your load a little lighter.

I know it's very hard - but please, please stop blaming yourself and feeling guilty. I know I felt the same way at the time but in time you'll see that this is not your fault, you did everything you were supposed to do babe. Everything. You are NOT a failure, I won't have you saying that.

Your DH and your DS do not blame you for this, their hearts are just breaking too.

[Michelle71]

That guilt and pain and feeling of failure is a burden you take onto yourself when you have multiple losses It isn't your fault, really but that doesn't make it any easier to bear or any easier to experience. And no matter how many times you get told it isn't your fault, you still feel like it is

Know that there are too many of us who understand what you are feeling, and we are here for you to vent, scream, cry and yell out that pain. Lean on us. Let us hold you tight. We want to

[Amity]

Mako, I'm so sorry.

Thinking of you.