not sure how it feels to be posting in here knowing my journey has ended but i do want u all to know about Gus's arrival......
i cant stop everytime i walk past his room( the door is closed) or see my bag from the hospy or think of him when he was handed to us, really its not taking much to set me off, but im trying so hard to be stronger for shan, its just so bloody hard......
can i just say my husband is the BEST thing that has ever happened to me and if he wasnt by my side i dont know how id manage to get through this......
im findinh it very difficult to speak to people IRL or on the phone, i just dont have courage or strength, but shan is encouraging me to do things in my own time, but at the same time helping me realise the sooner i get all the visits and calls over with the easier its going to be......
so here it goes......
ill start from when i went to hospy......
on thursday last week, i dont even no if i mentioned it on hre but i was sore on and off and and uncomfy all day but just put it down to stretching and what not....by 830 at night after downing a ice cream, i said to shan i was sore and when we were at dairy bell i had to hold my breath at one of my pains.....
so we got home and i text a differnt GF and asked what she thought i should do and she said to call northpark hospy and see what they said..... so i gave them a buzz and the middie said she thought it was ligament pain but that should call my OB becasue of my short cervix...... 10mins later my fabulous OB calls and says he is still at the hospy in his office and to pop in if i feel like it..... so i drag DH out of the shower, and he threw on some clothes and the door knob( coz he was painting the door )and off we went...... lucky the hospy is only 5 mins away......
so in we go and OB gets me on the bed and gets out this speculum thing to chuck up my whooo harr for a look and does a swab for infection and can see my sack buldging......
he told us he expected us to not make it through the night but that he would do everything he could..... he said i was going to be admitted to the mercy hospital and would be there as long as needed..... wrote us out a list of stuff for the hospy and off we went.....
go to the mercy, who he adv that we were on our way and he met us there, they took us into emergency and got drips and all that sort of **** sorted out......
again the OB told us to expect the worst by morning, but i guess i was in denial and it didnt really cross my mind that it would happen then.... they got us to my room, which was private thank god, at about 1 and shan stayed a bit as did our mums who came when we called even though it was so late and we told them not to come...... shan went home and came back friday morning and there i was still propped in bed with my feet in the air and my head angled down trying to take the pressure off my lazy cervix......
basically over the next few days we were given glimmers of hope, i was giving blood like it was going out of fashion, had the worst headache of my life coz of the blood going to my head, my back was killing coz of the angle i was laying on, i was getting contractions on and off, but all the meds they were giving me was keeping things at bay...... i had some awsome nurses, one who was just adorable and felt more like a friend than my nurse but helped take my mind of things yet keep it real for me, and by monday everything had settled barr a few contractions.....
on tuesday when my bed was moved slightly i could feel "something" right down low in my fanny and buzzed the nurse who had a look and could see my water sack but when my legs wet back up after a few mins it would drop back again...... we had a scan sometime on thursday or friday too and u could see on the screen where things were and what not...... my OB was called in and he had a look and said the same old stuff we had kept hearing......
still i held onto every inch of hope i had and kept doing what i had to do coz it seemed to be working.....
wednesday the 20th jan i wake up at 4am with a horrid pain across my lower tummy and the nurse gave me m usual meds early to see how we went...... by 530 i had called shan in agony and he came into the hospy, i still at this point thought they would do their rhing and stop everything like every other time.....shan met me in the delivery room and we met my middie, craig, who was awsome...... he started off giving me gas to help calm me down and deal with the pain....... my OB came and told us the words we desperatly didnt want to hear.. i was in full labour and Gus would arrive sometime in the next few hours...... i was in so much pain i dont think i even registered what he was saying......
i was given a pethadine shot in the leg and kept on going, the pain was horrendous not sure if it was coz i had an infection as well but i couldnt believe it......
through all of this shan was right by my side encouraging me and telling me things were ok....
my OB was fantastic, helping and encouraging us as much as he could.....
i was told to push when i felt a contraction and after a few pushs out cam his feet and body......
my OB then said to wait for the next contraction and to push again but i waited for what felt like ever and said i just wanted it over and i wanted to push now, and he agreed if i wanted to to do it.....
2 or so more pushes and GUS CHARLES KELLY arrived at 744 am......
the sack was still in tact so my OB cut him out and wrapped him a towel and gave him to me to hold, i kept saying i couldnt i was just to scarred to look at him but shan encouraged me and after a minute or so Gus was on my chest..... he was still breathing and warm, so tiny and moving a little bit...... it broke my heart into so many pieces looking at our little boy who arrived into this world by no fault of his own, who didnt deserve to be here when he was, who was so perfect and just so tiny......
we looked and touched him for ages while my tummy was pushed and my OB tried to deliver my placenta, but coz of the infection it was broken up so i had to go to theatre......
so i was wheeled away from my hubby and my baby boy to get the rest of the placenta out.....i was only in theatre for 15-20 mins and then taken back to a massive double room, when shan and gus were bought in once i settled in......
that was the sight i had dreamt of seeing, shan wheeling the bassinet into our room with our son in it, only problem was our son had gone to be with the angels coz he was just to prefect for this world......
we were given as long as we wanted with him but decided to it was time to say good bye.....
when he was wheeled away it killed us, our baby we had wanted and longed for was gone..... our mums had come to the hospy and got the chance to see their grandson which means the world to shan and i, and im sure them too......
so after a few ours together they removed my catheter, shan got me showered and had to do some paper work and i discharged myself to come home.....
i was doing well in the hospy, felt at peace with what had happened and just wanted to come home and be with my hubby.....
walking through the front door at home was horrid, i had left hospital empty handed without the baby i should have been bringing home......
the ast few days have been torture but thankfully ive had shan right beside me every step of the way, comforting me, hugging me and just being with me..... i feel so bad coz i know its not easy on him and all is does is support me and i feel i have nothing to give in return at the moment, but in time i no ill get stronger and ill be able to comfort him more than i can now......
Gus's Stats.....
weight: 460gm
lenght: 28.5cm
Head circ: 19.5cm
im still all over the place but i guess these things take time.....
please pass on any advice on how u coped with ur loss coz i really dont know how to cope with mine....
Your story has touched me in so many ways i cannot even begin to describe. So many memories flooding back about my son Anthony who was born at 25 weeks and lived for 3 hours.
7 years on and all I can say to you is (not meaning to sound harsh here but it is the best advice i was given and i live by it to this day) you will never get over it but you will learn to live with it. I am so sorry for your loss, grieving takes a long time so take as much time as you need to do so. Theres not much more I can add to it except to wish you well in the future and i hope you feel better soon
Crumpet, sweetheart - there is nothing else I can think of to say that I didn't post already in our BB thread
You are just so admirable with the amount of grace you have shown throughout everything - and I just wish there was something I could say to make it even just a touch easier to live through...
My heart goes out to both you & Shan & if there is anything anyone can do, please, please ask
Sending you much love & strength to help you deal with each day xoxoxoxoxo
Crumpert, I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you are going through right now, but I just wanted to say be kind to yourself hun. Take all the time you need, everyone else can wait to see you and when you're ready to let the world back in, they'll all be there waiting with open arms.
Dh is doing a beautiful job helping you through each day and I'm sure you're doing more for him than you even realise, you're there for eachother and taking comfort in eachother which is so important.
Big for yourself and Shan. I wish you all the strength with each passing to get you and DH through this terrible time.
Thinking of you both.
Crumpet, I am so so sorry for the loss of Baby Gus.. The best advice I can give you from my experience is take things slowly. 1 minute, 1hr, 1 day at a time. And do what feels right. For me I talk talk talk about my loss.. I created a tribute website, I go to Bonnie Babes support meetings, I read blogs and other peoples experience of loss. This is my way and it may not be right for everyone, so just do what feels right.. You have already shown great strength in sharing your story. For me writing my story took a long time, but I found it very theraputic. to you and your family at this very sad time.
Oh hun I am ever so very sorry .... I have no words of wisdom - just sending you a truck load of hugs to you and your dh......again I am truely sorry xx
my story...
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I am so sorry for your loss but I wanted to thank you for sharing Gus' story with us.
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