How to deal with baby shower invites / periods after loss

[Fiona Sweetman]

Hi

I posted a thread in loss forum, some of you may have read it? i loss Tre 4 months ago at 36 weeks pregnant from a blood clot in the umbilical cord. I live in a small town with lot's of pregnant friends and new mums. I have recently had two baby shower invites and have declined both.

One is from a very close friend she and i spent 2-3years ttc at the same time i fell pregnant naturally in the end and Leila after 3 IVF attempts.

I am so happy for her but now just feel like crying whenever i see her, i feel like i'm being selfish but i don't imagine the baby shower much fun if i was there, how is the best way others have found to deal with this?

Also i have just got my period it is very light and not particlarly normal, has this happened to others it only lasts for several days and was 37 days since my last 2 day bleed. I'm getting concerned that i will never conceive again and just thinking booking IVF will mean i won't have to deal with years of this horrible TTC cycle.

To make matters harder my husband works away and now i have another 20 days with just my doggie and photo of my baby boy.

PS Dianne if you read this i wish you lived in my town you sound like a loving and supportive women, the lady at the cemetry was luck to have you there.

[diannescruffy]

Hun, thank you for your kind words, I've been thinking of you, tried to PM you last week but don't think you have enough posts to receive PM's.
Hun with the baby showers I'm sure your friends will understand how uncomfortable it would make you feel being there. It is hard enough seeing preg bellies let alone sitting there watching everyone having fun. As far as your period it does sound normal, my cycles took about 6mths to actually return to the way they were before. I really wish you all the best, sending you big big hugs.

Regards,
Dianne

[Fiona Sweetman]

Hun, thank you for your kind words, I've been thinking of you, tried to PM you last week but don't think you have enough posts to receive PM's.
Hun with the baby showers I'm sure your friends will understand how uncomfortable it would make you feel being there. It is hard enough seeing preg bellies let alone sitting there watching everyone having fun. As far as your period it does sound normal, my cycles took about 6mths to actually return to the way they were before. I really wish you all the best, sending you big big hugs.

Regards,
Dianne

Thanks Dianne , what is a PM? i'm not up with all the lingo on this site as yet? how long have you been trying since losing Emannual? i have several hurdles when trying to conceive so are not looking forward to the long road ahead..but know i will feel much better once pregnant.

[Fiona Sweetman]

Thanks Dianne , what is a PM? i'm not up with all the lingo on this site as yet? how long have you been trying since losing Emannual? i have several hurdles when trying to conceive so are not looking forward to the long road ahead..but know i will feel much better once pregnant.

oops sorry i spelt Emmanuel's name incorrectly.... lovely name you gave him.

[diannescruffy]

PM is a personal message, it took us 6mths before we conceived Isabella.

Regards,
Dianne

[Kerrin]

I had a few friends pregnant in the 12 months after we lost our daughter (she was stillborn @36 weeks). Most of them ignored me with baby show invites, which kind of hurt. I know in my heart I wouldn't have gone but I would have kind of liked to have the choice & decide what I felt was right, just not to be ignored instead. My closest friend never had a baby shower but my hubby & I had discussed what I would do - I had decided that I wouldn't go because I knew it would be a fussy shower (she lost her mother & I knew her sisters would make a huge fuss which I felt I couldn't handle seeing she got pregnant about 9 weeks after our daughter was born) but send a lil present instead. The previous year I had gone to one after I'd had a miscarriage & I felt so out of place with everyone talking about the upcoming baby & another of the girls pregnant as well. Especially when everyone would ask me about kids & babies, whether I wanted one, had one etc..... It's so hard to play cheerful when your heart just breaks at those questions.

Period wise, it does sound normal but if you are a bit concerned, it never hurts to go see a doc I was one of those lucky ones who returned to normal very quickly. I had bleeding for 2-3 weeks after giving birth & then a week later got my first period on the dot. Have been regular ever since.

Hugs

[luna moth]

Hey, hun, slightly different situation, but I had a 1st birthday party on my EDD weekend. I also had a really big health scare related to our loss around the same time, so was very emotional.

It was weird, and hard, and I won't pretend I didn't cry, but I got there, and got through it.

My tips:
1 - decide whether or not you actually want to go. Realise that it's OK either way.
2 - think about how strong you really are. You have already survived the worst.
3 - Consider what's the worst that could happen? You end up crying and have to leave... Yeah, sucks a little bit, but nobody's going to get p'd off at you for it. And if you do, they're a waste of space anyway.
4 - talk to the party host about how they can help you. Take a deep breath and day something like "I really want to celebrate with you, but I'm finding it hard to see you since we lost Tre." (don't use euphemisms, use the baby's name, and speak frankly. This will encourage her to do the same, and WILL make things easier)
5 - continue with "so what I need from you is....." Things you might need: a room where you can escape to; the opportunity to hide out in the kitchen "helping"; for everyone to know your story so you don't have to re-tell it or face the dreaded "So, when are you having kids?" Whatever you need, tell her. Be direct.

I used to hate people seeing me cry. I still do. But one terrible day last year, when I ended up hiding in my office worrying about everyone seeing my cry, which made me cry more, I realised that I couldn't leave the building without people seeing me. So I took the deep breath, and walked into every room in the place, and said calmly "I'm going home early today. I'll be back tomorrow." And once I'd done it, it was OK. Nobody will ever think less of you for losing it or crying or needing to leave a situation.

It can be so hard, always having to take that deep breath and face things. Nobody can do it for you - although a few good friends will probably try. Hang on to them.

Good luck.