Over the last 5yrs we've done so many HPTs that were neg, I had honestly given up on falling pregnant. I had told DH that I didn't want IVF as I'd always wanted to adopt, even when I was a child, so we decided to carry on doing as we were doing. We planned on buying a house and setting ourselves up first.
In January, the week after my grandmother passed away, I realised AF was late and I had some other symptoms so I thought I'd do a HPT. I even did it at work because I knew when it was negative I would have to suck it up and get back to work instead of getting upset like I usually would.
But it wasn't negative. It was a BFP. I did another. It was positive as well. I was shocked. I left work and went straight to my GP. It was confirmed. I was 6 weeks pregnant.
DH and I were over the moon. I was so excited just to get a BFP that I told everyone immediately. I kept saying "It's only early days yet. Anything could happen", but to keep me thinking positively we started talking about what we would have to do and what changes we would have to make.
In the back of my mind I felt like this wouldn't happen. I was focusing only on the 1st trimester. I kept waiting for the rug to be pulled out, but everything was going so well. I didn't have any MS, but I was exhausted, hungry and peeing all the time.
I started to let myself think about the future. About the rest of the pregnancy, about Labour, about our baby. We started to dream.
And now it's gone. It seems like some cruel joke. I tried to do everything right. I immediately stopped smoking. I completely cut caffeine. I was eating well, taking the supplements and generally taking care of myself.
I feel like I've failed my hubby. He's such a wonderful, supportive and loving man, and I like to take care of him and us as best I can, but I feel like I'm failing him as a wife.
I feel like I should be happy just to experience that positive result, and to have been pregnant for that short time.
what's happened to you suxs and it is totally unfair. Life has let you down, given to the world and then taken it from you so quickly and cruelly. Its like waking up and you life being someone else's sick joke. There is nothing anyone can say or do that will help!
Just make sure you cling to you DH and support each other as best you can & I say that cause there will be days when you just can't be there for each other or one of you will say the wrong thing but that's ok as long as you always find you way back!
I am so sorry for your loss, you are not alone, ever!
I'm really sorry for your loss. You don't have to be glad about anything you're not gad about, you just have to feel whatever you feel for as long as you need to feel it. You're not failing anyone, you're just grieving.
Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate your wonderful comments. I think I really just needed to let those thoughts out of my head where they were churning around over and over again.
I really feel blessed to have such supportive and caring people around me. Hubby has been going to all of the appointments with me, and supported me completely through the late night trip to Emergency when the pain was unbareable. He has really been a rock for me when I know he's hurting so much as well, and I feel like we're even closer now than we were before.
Even though it's been only a few days and it still hurts so much, I know that, with time, we'll be ok. I'm just going to let myself grieve for now, and when the time is right... well... who knows what could happen.
I am so sorry to hear of your heartbreak. Grief is a confusing time and a pretty damn hard road to have to walk. It's easy to feel like you are letting people down. I hope in time you realise you are not, and it's just the grief talking. Give Dh my regards too - he's doing it tough too.
You know... I'm doing ok! I actually feel pretty good at the moment. Thankfully my boss gave me the whole week off work, so I've been able to just relax and allow myself to feel the way I need to feel.
DH and I have had many D&Ms lately and I think we're really on the same page. I don't feel like I'm letting him down anymore. I'm still so disappointed about the m/c, but I've accepted that it just wasn't the right time. I think I knew the whole time that something wasn't right, and I know that if I'm lucky enough to have a "next time" I will be much more pro-active with my health care and getting answers when I need them.
I know tomorrow will be difficult because I have my D&C scheduled at the same time and place I was supposed to be having my first OBS appointment which isn't ideal. However, I also know that I'm strong enough to get through this and I know we'll be just fine
MsKara - its amazing how this amazing hardship and grief can bring things you dont expect - your D & M's with DH. Glad you are feeling a bit stronger. Go gently today, it's a tough day. Glad you don't have to go to work for a while. I think it helps - just time to be in your thoughts and feelings and not have to put on a front. Thinking of you.
Reply With QuoteI have no words for you.
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Feels like my heart is broken
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Thank you so much for asking after us.
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