My Nan and I were talking about someone else in the family and how they're always hard on their eldest kid and my Nan says everyone does the same. She says to be honest most people look back and wish they weren't so hard on their eldest. I do remember this happening with me. Getting in trouble when the younger kids did something wrong bc I'm the eldest and I should have stopped them, or looked after them, or should know better, etc. She was saying how you just automatically seem to give them more responsibility and expect them to act older when the next baby comes along.
Do other people feel this way?
I want to try to avoid doing this. I guess now that I'm aware of it, it will hopefully be less likely to happen.
Definitely the case in my family. I like to think I 'broke in' my parents and made them softer on my younger brother and sister. My sister (the youngest) has it so much easier than I ever did!
I think being aware of it will help - but at the same time, I bet we'll find that we relax a whole lot more (about everything) once the next few kids come along .
I've seen it a lot in other families as well as when I was growing up. And TBH BiL, the elder, is SO much more grown-up than DH, who has taken the day to go to a fishing show - after last night saying we can't afford to breathe.
Yes, you are expected to age about 10 years when a sibling comes along. It isn't fair! I've seen 8yo oldest children expected to do chores - but when the youngest child is about 14 it's unthinkable to ask them to do it!
I think I do ask a lot of DS and expect him to be grown-up. It works well with him. I'll be doing the same with the next one! Makes my workload easier now DS can sweep floors and help cut up the veggies for dinner.
I think we let Ds1 get away with to much which is why we have some issues now .. We just changed the way we did things with Ds2 and 3. DD well she is just a whole new experience lol..
Yup, I think we were, particularly when she was little. I actually have issues with it now... I know there's not much point looking backwards, but I really regret some of our parenting choices back then. It will do my head in if I dwell on it too much... I had actually thought about posting in the debriefing section though.
Having said all of that ... I think a certain amount of chnage is inevitable, each child is different for starters, so will have different needs & bring out different things to deal with. And as parents we grow & learn, too, at least that is my experience...we find out new things, we grow in confidence...
DD1 is a teenager now though & bringing up a whole different lotta stuff! and it's like having a newborn for the first time, honestly...like 'whoah, what the hell do we do now?' I have no idea what I am doing
I think we're hard on #1 in that we don't understand what #2 is capable of...like '#1, did you pull these pegs apart, it's very naughty to do that', and a week later we realise it was probably #2 doing it! We are learning to wait for solid solid proof these days!
Fortunately #1 is pretty cruisy, if there's a wail we'll say 'do you need to say sorry' and if he's guilty he'll say sorry and if he's not he'll just look a bit confused. They are still young enough that 'guilty-face' is a pretty good indicator too.
I know as the eldest I certainly felt like I was held to account about things a lot more. But as my dad pointed out in a roundabout way (when a few years ago I said it didn't seem fair) in terms whether I am better off for the extra discipline and accountability - I certainly benefited.
I think in a way, these things ease for the youngest (in terms of permissions and privileges), because they're left behind! And probably the rules can ease on some things. I guess it will depend on why we made the rule in the first place. Why can't you go to the city with friends til you're xx age? Because it's not safe...so I guess that would be an inflexible rule. But why can't you have a surfboard til you're xx? Well if it was an individual rule for the eldest, but now the family will surf together or something...that sort of thing might be flexible. Not great examples, since we're not there yet!
However, I am as hard on DD2 and DS2 as I was on DD1 and DS1 at that age, and will be as hard on DS3 and DD3 respectively.
I expect actions and responsibilities from the age bracket, so it looks to the outside person that I am being harder on DD1 and DS1. Lets revisit the question in 5 years so that we can assess if the Mid and young siblings are being expected of equally, LOL.
Thanks for sharing guys. I'm going to try to remember not to expect too much of DD (above her age) when #2 comes along. Hopefully now that I'm aware of it I can look out for it.
I do agree with what someone else said too though, I did benefit from the stricter upbringing compared to the younger ones I think.
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Are/Were you too hard on your eldest child?
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