Life post kids: has your life changed more than your DH/DP?

[amberj]

I'm having a bit of a struggle atm because I feel like having a child has changed my life significantly more than my husbands, and I wonder if others feel the same. I am talking here specifically about social life- going out with your own friends, doing the things you alone used to enjoy pre-kids. Obviously in most cases work life changes much more for mums than dad, so that isn't really my question.

My DH and I try to give each other time to do our own thing, recognising the importance of being able to re-charge individually so we can be the best for each other and our son. Sounds great, right? The thing is, my DH always seems to have a million and one things to go to, and I don't really have anything, and to me this seems to be because of a unique social dynamic. My DH still meets with his mates once a week at least to play games and stuff, and most of the guys there have kids. But there are no kids at their gatherings, and they all somehow manage to get this sacred time, each and every week. But I cannot seem to get the same thing with women- all my friends have similar aged kids and it would be unheard of and impossible to think about getting them together once a week without kids. Sure, we meet up- but always with our kids. Its like this rare and special event to meet a friend without our kids- a real 'treat', and it takes military like planning.

So when I have my husband and kid free time each week, I never know quite what to do. I would love to visit a friend, but I don't really want to be around kids- this is my only kid free time! I can't find any classes at the times I am free, and I am, frankly, sick of shopping and sitting in cafes on my own reading books.

Anyhow, what to do with my time is not really the point here- what I want to know is whether other women experience this phenomenon as well? It just seems to me like for guys, time with other guys away from kids is a given but the same thing for women is a rare treat.

Tell me your experiences!

[ss_storm]

definitely...DF never really has one on one time with DD, I think he really should as it's good for both of them and would give me a break, rather than me looking after her and being with her 24/7. i know what you mean, it's like he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and regularly sleeps until the afternoon. Whereas everything I do or want to do has to take DD into account.

Granted, he does work long hours with his own business and doing towing work, but it would be nice for me to be able to sleep in occasionally and not have to get up when DD wakes up, and I really wish we had more time as a family together. Maybe that will change once DD is a bit older, I hope so for her sake especially.

Going to ask him to take her out for at least an hour over the weekend so I can clean the bathroom and vacuum/mop as it's just getting too difficult to try and do it with her around. I don't really know what I would do if I regularly had an hour or two all to myself...maybe go for a walk with no pram! And definitely catch up on some reading, I love it so much but hardly ever get a chance to pick up a book. so many things on my to-do list, including lots of sewing projects that are halfway done, I don't think I'll ever get back on track!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Oh dear me, slight rant ahead!

DH has one night every 2-3 months out for a meal, drinking and PS3 night.
He goes fishing every other weekend with his chums, no matter what. Taking the family car too, so DS and I are stuck in. Can't even get the weekly shop in.

I have bookclub once a month - when all the children are asleep, as we're all mums. Whether a member can make it or not is often down to if the husband is working late/away.

I have just started to say "I need an evening to myself every week". This means that I'm going to do SOMETHING to get out the house, even if it's after DS is asleep. If DH is away then DS can go to the in-laws and I'll pick him up afterwards. Great if it's something local, but never mind (no, they won't come to my house).

I also usually work full-time, but don't get the luxury of just sitting down and doing nothing because I'm "stressed" after work. I have DS wanting me, I have to cook a meal, I have to put DS to bed... I don't get to come home and sit on the computer! I cannot call DH and tell him I'm working late today. He did this despite me needing to go out that night. I was late to DS's parents' evening because he needed to work late. I get a phone call asking where I am if I'm just a half-hour late!

Anyway. Yes, DH still gets to live his life and have his "expensive hobbies" (his words). I get a new library book every month. It will balance out when DS is old enough to go fishing though: there will be NO child-free weekends for DH then!

[fionas]

My life has been much more affected than DP's in terms of career/health (which I know isn't the point of your post but I wanted to throw it in anyway ) BUT I do go out socially more than him - but that's just because I did before, so nothing's changed.

And it's not like I'm a party animal - I probably go out twice a month in the evenings but I'd actually prefer it if DP and I went out together as a couple more.

If DP was enjoying a rocking social life, I think it would send me completely over the edge TBH.

[skeetaboat]

Yup, we have this. I have started to hate DH's mate-dates. They didn't grow and birth his kids, but they get a heck of a lot more kids-free time with him!!!!!!

I've worked really hard to get it through to DH that once weekly mate dates aren't fair on the rest of us. He's slowly getting it. I think I need to get some "me" time back into the picture. Like you, I would like to catch up with people and nurture some social connections outside my family in my "me" time, but due to the phemomenon you've pointed out, I find myself (unlike DH) without a peer-group who is able to catch up at the drop of an SMS.

I reckon all DH's who have friends with children, should shift their at least half their weekly/fortnightly man-dates from the pub/cricket field/golf course/footy ground/race track/boat, to play-centres (with kids in tow), so us mums can catch a break to get out with each other without the kids.

Oh I can just see the rates of PND dropping as we speak!!! More "us" time! More social connections! More time to relax and have adult conversations! More of our own identity separate to mother/wife! Equality in the marriage! Less anger and resentment! More female-based entertainment activities to cater for the newly liberated, out-and-about mums looking for entertainment and social outlets!

[Oscar&Grouch]

Great thread- as for me and my now XDP i can say that my life changed 100% having DS.
This is speaking when i was still with my DP.
He used to go out drinking clubbing with his mates, go to surf comps, go to all you can eat buffets with his mates constantly, i would only see my DP monday - friday mornings because all the other times he was out having "boys" times getting ****ed spending OUR money shouting his mates out on the town!!!

since having DS and before we split i think we did 1 thing alone and that was our anniversary we went to the beach had a picnic etc and FELL PREGNANT with #2 mind you!
although i do have a positive note not having XDP around all the time really helped me ease into being a single mummy!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Skeetaboat - fair enough, now for me to spend a girly day without DS would be nice (but what on earth would we do all day?). But with DS as a baby, that would increase PND if I had to be away from him one day a week/month all day. As a mum to a baby, you're needed so much more than the dad, so it makes sense that you have less time without the baby. Toddlers, it matters less which parent looks after them (once they wean) so then it's time to get selfish... but the PND risk is pretty much gone.

I have accepted that I do all the baby. We split the toddler about 85-15 (me doing the bulk). When DS is older, about 7-8, it will be split that he's all mine in the school holidays, but DH takes him out with the boys at the weekend. That's fishing or sport... OK not the pub! But at about 8, they'll be camping out fishing for the weekend, so that's when I get my life back.

I'm lucky in that after the first year I could scream at DH, when he was about, to take DS to the park for an hour just so I could clean the house without DS getting upset at the vacuum cleaner. My issue now is that DH wants park/train to be a "family outing" and I just want some time to myself! He finally understands this about the trains.

[shellbell3]

I hear you, DF goes out every sat night.
He is more than happy for me to go out whenever just like you same problem, everyone else seems to be at home with their kids. I do catch up with friends and kids but its not the same, I would love kid free time outs but they don't happen very often.

[Snacks]

My playgroup mums have occasional dinners and movie nights. Little babies are welcome, but the bigger ones have to stay home. We find that you just have to plan them in advance in order for them to happen. Group emails serve us well and we find we can get together once every couple of months. I think once a week would be a stretch though! (But then, I wouldn't let DH go out with his mates that often either.)
TBH, I love going to cafes and/or reading books by myself but that doesn't happen often! DH would be more understanding if I told him I needed to catch up with the girls, but he doesn't really get my need for alone time because he's such an extrovert.
My life has changed more than his, to be sure. But like Ryn, I am keenly aware that this is because our kids are still very young and still very much needing their mummy over and above anyone else. I too intend to become a little more 'selfish' in the future, particularly when they've started school.
The girls are actually having a movie night this week. I am not going to this one though, because I didn't want to take Phoebs as she's not so little anymore, and it would be difficult for DH to put her to bed (whereas for me it is easy cause I wear the boobs in this family).

[Lolli]

Yeah that. All of the above. I hate it, but I have succumbed and admitted defeat these days.

The thing that really annoys me is the freedom dh has. He just goes "I'm going up for a shower" and leaves. I mean, I would love to just go well, I'm off to have a shower/ work on my car/ go to mates place. But when I want to do it, it requires planning and bargaining.

[amberj]

The thing that really annoys me is the freedom dh has. He just goes "I'm going up for a shower" and leaves. I mean, I would love to just go well, I'm off to have a shower/ work on my car/ go to mates place. But when I want to do it, it requires planning and bargaining.

oooooooooh, I SO get this- not that my DH does it maliciously, he just can be thoughtless, not understanding my perspective.

I too think that the time will come when DS is older that I will get more time. The other day DH took DS on their first ever 'boys outing' (to the airshow). I had like 2-3 hours at home alone- it was bliss. I just try to hold on to the fact this will happen more and Peter gets older (and then I will probably miss them!).

Maybe I need to get off my butt and organise some girly things...