I was fine in the beginning. One kid was lovely. Then a newborn and a 15mth old, easy as pie. Even a newborn and TWO toddlers was pretty easy.
A preschooler and two toddler.....................
I hate being a mother some days now, esp since Ive seen the "otherside" of not spending my days being a SAHM when Im off at Uni kidfree. I hate feeling this way because I love my boys to bits. I just feel like all I do these days is yell, or time out, or clean, or tell them Im leaving home because Ive had enough. Dh just doesnt get it because he doesnt spend nearly ever waking moment with them, because all he does is go to work then come home and whinge at me that the house is a mess, oh god not THAT again for dinner, the kids are whinging can you stop them, they touched my xbox today werent you watching them, you shouldnt eat so much 2 servings of dinner is ridiculous no wonder your complaining of getting fat, you never have sex with me anymore your always "so tired" stop being selfish you should be grateful I still find you attractive even after 3 kids................
I go to bed at night and have dreams of NOT being who I am right now, I am young and kid free and husband free. I can travel and go to the toilet alone, drink til I cant stand up straight, buy whatever I want for me, eat whatever I want without getting fat, not always having to be the responsible one.
Then there is the flipside. I wish I had had bigger gaps between the kids if I knew it would be this hard now, that Dh would be more useless than I expected when it comes to the kids, that I would lose myself completely. That I would not get time to enjoy their babyhoods and wake up on the verge of my youngest turning 1 to feel completely gipped that I didnt and never will get that enjoyment and wonderment of watching them evolve one on one ever again. Not that I ever had it in the first place, except maybe with Ds1 for a short amount of time.
I dont have any friends I see regularly so Im very lonely. Dh isnt much fun and all we do is fight right now (which is ridiculous seeing as we only just reconciled after being separated for nearly 9mths). I have no supportive family around, my inlaws are in Perth and try their best to come over whenever they can which is usually once a year otherwise Im on my own. I just started Uni full time which was the stupidest idea Ive ever had but I feel like such a sellout because I enjoy.every.second.Im.there because I am family free. How awful is that?
I dont know what I think I will achieve or what exactly I want to come from this thread; I think its just more a place to get it all down without my head exploding.
If youve read this, thankyou. Its just nice to know that someone might be listening.
I think there are times when we all feel like that.
Take right now, my son is 16mths old, screaming that he wants to cook real food in the kitchen. its 9am and I am sooo tired I can hardly move . He hasnt been sleeping properly and is very demanding lately. He is still breastfed and there are times I feel like just running away....
of course that is another story because when I do leave him to be babysat by his nanna i cant wait to pick him up.
I have started trying to talk to hubby about number 2 but honestly I think i must be crazy right now. I dont get a shower without my son watching me lol or have to plan it for when he is sleeping. I havent dyed my hair in a year i am grey and im only 25
I got so fed up with not being able to have time alone I cut all my hair off yesterday ( no not britney spears crazy) but I wanted a hairdut and couldnt get away ..... or make an appt that suited me. I think i understand and I only have 1 son
I cant imagine 2 toddler and another. 1 toddler is enough lol
Where abouts are you from? PM me. Im from SW Sydney too.
I think your last line said it all about feeling listened to. It sounds like you've had an awful lot on your plate for an awfully long time with little support.
No wonder you feel the way you do. Being a parent without support from family/partners is very difficult.
I don't have any advice for you, just that enjoying being child-free is completely understandable and normal.
I recently put my daughter into childcare for two days a week for similar reasons and it's the best thing I've ever done.
I'd really recommend that you see a counsellor. A couple of years ago I was feeling overwhelmed because there were just too many things going on in my life and because I usually put a very brave face on things, my friends aren't really that supportive. Anyhow, what I really needed was someone who could validate what I was saying by telling me, "YES, you are in a difficult situation, YES, life has been pretty crap lately and YES, it's understandable that you feel the way you do."
I think it's perfectly understandable for you to feel the way you do. Three little ones as young as they are is a lot on your plate.
And it doesn't sound like your DH is very supportive... in fact he might possibly be adding to the load from the sounds of it. Comments like that aren't very helpful just the opposite.
Have the two of you thought about relationship counselling?
Hey hon....i feel like you do some days too. Whilst my DH is a little more supportive, i cannot imagine how hard it is for you...
Im right near you - my daughter goes to St christophers at Holsworthy. If you wanna go to a park, or michels on a uni day off - let me know....your not alone.....
Nothing like a cuddle from DD after a hard day's work!
Oct 2007
in my own world
3,267
Huge sometimes i feel overwhelmed as well esp with a useless husband and i only have 1 child so cannot imagine your situation.
Maybe force your husband to take the kids out on the weekend so you can have some time alone (even having a nice relaxing bath, without kids screaming and banging on the door for once)
I could have written a lot of your post. You're not alone :hugs:
It sounds like your DH is being a giant ass. I'm sure he's not 100% ass as you wouldn't have married him or got back together with him, but it sounds like the relationship is terribly unbalanced. No wonder you don't feel like sex with a workload and comments like that! I wonder if it's really easier on you being with your husband again as opposed to when you were seperated? It sounds like he creates stress and work without relieving any of the stress and work you have from constant caring for 3 small people.
It sounds like you need some serious time out. Not just time at uni, but time to go out alone and do whatever you feel like doing by yourself, meet some people, start up a hobby/activity that you love. Regularly. Can you organise that somehow? Occasional care? On the weekends when DH is home? After 3 children, you more than deserve it. I'm sure DH enjoyed plenty of time alone during the seperation, which is what I'd be reminding him of if he complains about you taking some weekend time for yourself.
Thankyou for the offer MBear, I will definately take you up on that! I didnt realise you were close by. Im planning on putting my eldest on the waitlist for St Christophers for 2012, I'd love to hear what you think about the school
Jasp - my Dh isnt a believer in counselling but aside from that finding the time would be a nightmare. If we go on weekends we have to find someone to watch the kids, but weekdays he works 7-5 and Im at Uni 3 days a week........then again finding someone to babysit on a weekday would be even harder. Im going to bring it up with him tonight but I know he'll just say there isnt anything wrong with his behaviour, he does plenty and I just expect to much and he refuses to have a counsellor tell him how everything is his fault when its not blah blah blah.
For what it's worth, most men have to be dragged along to counselling kicking and screaming. I had to give DP an ultimatum - it's counselling or I'm off. It was absolute torture getting him there. He came up with EVERY excuse in the book - wouldn't see anyone associated with a church, wouldn't see a female counsellor etc. etc. In the end, I said, fine, I don't care WHO we see but we are seeing someone so you find someone or I will, otherwise I'm off.
They get really confused about counselling and think it's a blame game. They think the counsellor is going to lecture them and tell them everything that they are doing wrong. He has got to stop seeing this in terms of one person being right and one person being wrong. Tell him that you both need to make adjustments - you want to go to see what you can do better too (even if that's not the way you feel, it sounds bloody good).
I would tell him it's about being happier, not about blame and why would he stand in the way of you both being happy?
Even if he won't agree to go, it's worth going on your own. It's such a relief getting stuff off your chest to someone who actually listens. BB is great but seeing someone in real life is even better.
i feel like this some days why did i do this im nearly 23 and thrown my life away and my dp does the same thing as soon as hes home blame game starts u havent done this u havent done that why did murray touch my tv errrrgh normaly i tell him to go away or just go out it gets so overwelming
hugs we are going to try counsling too apprently its gonna take effort my side to drag his lumpy butt there
Sometimes I think the grass always looks just that little bit greener on the other side of the fence kwim? You've made some big changes to your life that is putting the focus on you a little bit more than it has been for the past few years and you find yourself re-evaluating things or wishing they were different altogether. Especially when you have, to be perfectly honest with you, a jackass of a husband putting **** on you that you just don't need. I think that he is a large part of the reason why you are feeling this way because you are doing the absolute best that you can juggling your boys, study and your home (trust me, I know what that's like too!) and then he comes home and says stuff like that to you? It's no wonder that the single kid free uni life has become so appealing But one thing I do know that it gets immensely easier once your kids get to a certain age and they are more children than babies.
And really, if he doesn't want the boys to touch his xbox, then put the bloody thing away where they can't get it - you don't own it so it's not your problem.
So now you have gotten it all out, what do you feel you really need?
You just describe my Dhs attitude to a T Fiona. He wont see a woman, wont see a church member unless its the padre at the military base and so on. I tell him to organise it then but then its oh I work I dont have time. I really think we need to talk to someone impartial. I know I could do better, I know I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and whinging all the time but its hard when he just does not get it; Im tired, Im strung out, Im TRYING to do whats best for ALL OF US, not just myself. Sure Uni is my dream and so in a sense its benefiting me but in the long run with two wages coming in it will benefit all of us. We made a deal when I accepted my Uni offer that everything - kids, house chores - would be 50/50 because Uni would equal his full time job. But it hasnt worked out that way at all, Im still left trying to do mountains of washing and dishes and picking up of toys and chasing kids on my days off. I have my first assignment due week after next and then another one the week after that and I havent even gotten past researching it. His answer when I say its because when Im at home the kids and chores take up my study time - lock them in their rooms! I mean really who thinks thats a viable solution!?
He is a good man, he is a good dad and he does do some things to help me out but he's totally got issues and should and could do 100x more to help us work as a team. We're partners, we're supposed to share the responsibility not heap it all on me and expect me to struggle through it with my sanity intact.
I do place alot of blame on my inlaws though; that is exactly the way their marriage works so he's grown up thinking he shouldnt have to do anything but work while I become slave to the masses. Im fighting a losing battle I think trying to change 28yrs of habit and genetics.
It really does help when it feels like someone is listening. I can sympathise with you in some ways. I often look at everything that needs to be done in a day and feel so overwhelmed. DH works a lot and he does the best he can for the most part but i feel like i'm forever asking for more help. It's not easy being a mum whethere it's a SAHM, full time/part time working mum or a uni mum. I'm sure you are trying your absolute best and there is no shame in feeling the way you are feeling sometimes.
Yes going to Uni will add a bit more to your 'things to do' list but it's something you're doing for yourself and maybe in a few years time you will be able to get a job/career that you enjoy. You are just as important as the rest of your family.
It would help if your DH was a bit more supportive of you and recognised that you have needs too. During the day when DH is working i often think of him and how hard he is working and how much i love him but when he gets home at 5 or 6pm i'm grumpy, tired and giving him orders of how he can help me to get the boys fed and in bed so i can finally sit down for the day. He at me and just feels like he's yelled at from the min he walks in the door. I hate it that he feels that way but having him come home and sit on the couch while i still continue to do everything makes my blood boil!!
Honestly some men are better/worse than others but i turely believe that they just don't get it
Maybe make an appt on a thurs or fri evening (or whatever suits) to go have your hair done, have a massage whatever it is that will give you an hour or so of time out. The kids will be fine and your DH will just have to figure out what it is that they want and need. I have the bedtime routine down pat because i do it by myself so much but on the rare occasion that i don't do it i stress leading up to it and then think...'they'll be fine, he'll figure it out and the boys will go to bed when they are tired'. Time out for me is just as important.
Sorry for the ramble, i hope i'm helpful in some way. I really do understand where you are coming from and find that when i'm getting a little like you are feeling i need to take some time for myself. I've got a voucher for a spa place that i've just booked myself into, i got it almost 12 months ago now , that's how bad i am at doing things for myself also. It's not easy but like i said we are just as important as the rest of our family.
I hope you feel better and things improve soon. Good on you for talking and getting things out
Even if your dh won't see a counsellor, if you are able to get some counselling you will be helped with some coping strategies and be able to talk through some of these issues and get some great hints on how to deal with your dh. And if he sees a positive effect on you, it might make him more amenable to trying it himself.
I'm sorry you are so overwhelmed - to be honest, if I had to deal with those negative messages and lack of support all the time, I'd be thoroughly miserable too. Maybe your dh needs to hear what some other partners do to support the mothers of their children, because his expectations are totally unrealistic.
I'll have to get back to you for a proper answer but You are not alone - even if it feels that way. It is hard to juggle it all.
My quick suggestion is to feed the children and do their washing and leave DH to do his own. If he complains about what is in front of him, then he can get it himself!! If he complains about the chores not being done, he can do them himself. He survived when he was living solo. I'm sure he won't starve or go stinky for too long
I think I made the wrong choice............
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just the opposite.
at me and just feels like he's yelled at from the min he walks in the door. I hate it that he feels that way but having him come home and sit on the couch while i still continue to do everything makes my blood boil!!
, that's how bad i am at doing things for myself also. It's not easy but like i said we are just as important as the rest of our family.
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