What was your family life like ( in particular those with seperated parents)

[Butterfly Child]

i would love to hear what your's was like.. if you had both parents involved in your life growing up.. was it a positive experience/what wasnt etc

i know its not ideal living but did it cause many issues..
i guess i just want to know how i can be better and make being a single parent better on dd now and especially in the long run.. i mean she didnt choose this but i just want to raise her in the best possible way i can and so i would truly love to hear all your stories of what worked and what didnt in your family life..

TIA- means alot xx

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

i had both my parents up until i was 12, then my mum passed away, so my dad was left to raise two daughters on his own (he never remarried) - While (obviously) i would have loved to have my mum forever (especially in the delicate early teenage years), my dad gave my sister and i unconditional love and support and was always there if we needed him - i think my sister and i have grown up to be well adjusted women, albeit a little more able to relate better to men than women! - but having said that, there are also things my mum instilled in me when i was little, that i still remember to this day and try to put into practice.....

i guess i haven't really answered your question - but i loved my childhood/adolescent years even though they were far from perfect! Yes, i used to wish for my mum to come back and for us to be a "normal" family, but i knew i was loved by dad and that he would have done anything for my sister and I

[smiles4u]

My story is a little different from the norm if that's possible ... but thought it might be worth mentioning so therefore might help in the slightest way to some that might read this (??)

My parents are actually separated BUT still living under the same roof and have been since about 1974.

My Dad was never around to be seen unless you caught a glimpse of him coming home at midnight. My parents rarely communicated other then yelling. Mum pretty much brought us up & did everything for us 3 girl's, and Dad would provide what little money he earned. Poor Dad we felt for him cause he thought he did the right thing in marrying our Mum but didn't realise the dominant character she would be.

Sadly my Mum didn't want to marry my Dad but because she as 17 and pregnant to Dad and it was 1956 when there were no single parents pensions let alone any financial or emotional support from the community & her Aunt threatened if she didn't marry him she was on the streets with nowhere to go.

So Mum married him at 5mths pregnant.

They were two people miserable with each other and it spilled out in our lives as children & teens & still even now. (I came along 9years after my older sis & my younger sis 5years after me).

My parents slept in separate rooms since my younger sister was 4 and their lives were separate. And my younger sister will be 40 this year and my parents still sleep in separate rooms and their lives with each other are just a conveince now in helping each other in day to day needs.

The only thing my two sisters & i ever wished for were two things #1. that they should have they divorced many, many years ago so they could have fullfilling & happy lives for themselves ... and #2. so us as their children could have had a much more peaceful upbringing.

So my mentioning my little story i hope it helps anyone that might doubt for a moment what would have been if they were to have stayed with their child's partner ... as it possibly could have been a very sad story likes my parents and my own unbringing IYKWIM !!

.......... " Negrita " WOW and what a beautiful Dad you have

[BellyBelly]

Hey hon

I still feel upset when I think about growing up in a separated family, because of things that happened that confused and upset me as a child. I would suggest the following which would be for different ages, not just now:

* Do not talk about your partner in a bad/angry way in front of the children, about the past or present, things they did etc
* Do not talk of details of the divorce - someone once said to me that when her (older) children asked her, all she said was, 'thats between your father and I.' For younger children obviously its a little different. They can be very matter of fact when young which can be a blessing. But they can also bottle up feelings.
* Reassure her that you both still love her very much and it wasn't her fault - there is a book called 'Two Homes' which talks about now they have two homes and helps explain to children in a gentle way
* Do not cut anyone from his side of the family out of her life or stop them seeing her
* Encourage contact and communication
* Quantity doesn't matter but quality. Kids cope better with regular contact, rather than bits and pieces here and there.
* Organise play dates etc to keep her social so she doesn't feel lonely
* Have special one on one time with you, as well as other people in your family, so you both have quality time and also a break.
* Be strong. She needs to see her mum in control and okay so she feels safe and ok. Rely on friends/counsellor etc for the outlets!
* I think every child from a divorced family likes to see their parents in a relaxed, social environment, getting on. This may or may not be possible, but I really cant think of much else that was good from the divorce for me.

There is a good book, 'Parenting After Separation' for adults.

[*LittleMissSummer*]

Hey hon

I still feel upset when I think about growing up in a separated family, because of things that happened that confused and upset me as a child. I would suggest the following which would be for different ages, not just now:

* Do not talk about your partner in a bad/angry way in front of the children, about the past or present, things they did etc
* Do not talk of details of the divorce - someone once said to me that when her (older) children asked her, all she said was, 'thats between your father and I.' For younger children obviously its a little different. They can be very matter of fact when young which can be a blessing. But they can also bottle up feelings.
* Reassure her that you both still love her very much and it wasn't her fault - there is a book called 'Two Homes' which talks about now they have two homes and helps explain to children in a gentle way
* Do not cut anyone from his side of the family out of her life or stop them seeing her
* Encourage contact and communication
* Quantity doesn't matter but quality. Kids cope better with regular contact, rather than bits and pieces here and there.
* Organise play dates etc to keep her social so she doesn't feel lonely
* Have special one on one time with you, as well as other people in your family, so you both have quality time and also a break.
* Be strong. She needs to see her mum in control and okay so she feels safe and ok. Rely on friends/counsellor etc for the outlets!
* I think every child from a divorced family likes to see their parents in a relaxed, social environment, getting on. This may or may not be possible, but I really cant think of much else that was good from the divorce for me.

There is a good book, 'Parenting After Separation' for adults.

:yeahthat:

I think you should just keep going the way you are going, by keeping in contact with her father and keeping his family involved i think that is the best you can do. And if all works out well with your current DP then your DD will have a father figure in him. But yes keep all your frustration about your XDP away from her.

[YoYo]

Although my parents only divorced when I was about 20+ (geez I didn't block that out much!) after a long stint of infidelity by my Dad, I guess I kind of knew for a long time before that my Mum wasn't happy. She wasn't unhappy with my Dad as a person, but everything about her life was not where she wanted it to be, and she tagged along for the ride and built up a lot of resentment and bitterness against my Dad.

When they were going through the megga awful (cheating) time..... Dad was working overseas.... My Mum used to use me as her outlet. This was NOT a good thing to do.

I would have preferred my Mum stay strong as my Mum, and not try and be my friend by telling me things that I shouldn't have heard about my Dad. It was hurtful, and it made me dislike my Dad for a long time.

I am now close with my Dad, I understand him better, AND I understand my Mum better too.... My Mum is still lonely and sad, but I can separate myself from that and not take it on as my own problem.

I guess what I'm saying is that I clearly would have preferred they split years before, when Mum wasn't happy about being in Australia and isolated from her family in the UK. If she was just happy, with or without Dad, then that would have made a better impact on me, and taught me in a better way how to deal with certain things. If Mum had of split up with Dad earlier, I may have been better able to have a good relationship with Dad if she was happy and didn't have to bag him all the time to make herself feel better. I would have also then been able to have a better relationship with him during a critical time (early teens) when I was learning about 'boys'.

Sorry I hope that isn't too 'fluffy' I'm not sure I even make sense myself!!

[Artechim]

I was raised by a single mother. I didn't have any contact with my father.

One thing that I was always thankful for was that nothing was expected of my bro and I in regards to mums partners. We had to respect/listen to them as we would any adult, but they were never cast in the light of father figures. We were never encouraged to call any partner of mum's dad because they weren't. If we had come to the conclusion ourselves then it wouldn't have been a problem, it was just good that it wasn't forced upon us iykwim

I am not sure I explained that very well.

[Nai]

My parents split up when I was 2 and my mum brought me up by herself. I had a wonderful childhood and upbringing and although we didn't have a lot I never felt that I missed out.

Some things that were good were:
- I always had regular contact with my father and his family
- My parents never said a bad word to me about each other (my mum left it up to me to work out that my dad was a pr*ck all by myself )
- I never heard them argue or fight about money or arrangements - if they did that, it was out of earshot
- Mum & Dad always attended things like parent/teacher night, concerts etc together without making it an issue.

[~clover~]

I did grow up in a great home. We had our problems & mum did alot of it alone, as dad worked away alot, but we were lucky.

I wanted to share DH's story. A not so happy one, but better than it could've been.
His mum left his dad 2 weeks before she had DH. She was 16 & had been beaten & abused since she met him. When DH was 2 weeks old she moved away & they only saw his father 3 times after that.
DH always felt rejected. Felt like it wasn't fair that she'd taken him away, until we met him. DH was 19. We found out what he is really like. MIL told DH everything & then we met him & DH came to his own conclusion that he was fine without him.
He is trying to have a relationship of some sort with his brother & sister, which isn't very easy, since he's only just getting to know them now that they are 18 & 20. They don't have much to do with their father either.

DH does have a great step father. He & MIL met when DH was 8 & he's been DH's dad ever since. But the years before that weren't great to DH or MIL.
He did get lucky, & he did have a good upbringing from the day they got together. He was better off without his biological father, but the thing that hurt him & affected his life today, was that he didn't know that. That he never met his father to see what he was really like, iykwim.

[Mad Scientist]

My parents separated when I was 12, my sisters were 9 and 7. At first it was awful, having to go to dad's on the weekend and feeling really disjointed for a long time. I never really got used to it. Once I turned 16 I was given the choice to not have to go to dad's for the weekend but I could go and visit whenever I wanted (which was a lot). I really got on with my dad and loved spending time with him but hated that all my weekends were taken up (typical 16 year old). Once that changed, things got a lot better and I relaxed a lot more in the situation. I started to understand a lot more about what happened too.
The things that I hated and that NEEDS to be avoided is talking about the other parent in a negative way or blaming the other parent for things. My parents did this a bit and it was horrible because both of them were telling me different things and I didn't know what to believe so I ended up zoning out when they talked to me about serious matters. Also, they gave me WAY too much information for a 12 year old about why things ended. I didn't need the nitty gritty. I just needed to know that things were going to be ok. This was the only seriously bad thing about mum and dad divorcing.
Another annoying thing was having to split christmas. It took the fun away because we always seemed to be rushing.....but now I look back and wish that I had to split christmas a million ways again.....my mum passed away five years ago. Small things like that seem so annoying at the time......
Anyway, my situation is slightly different to yours but just thought I'd offer it. You're daughter is lucky to have you as her mumma

[allycat06]

DH's parents have been divorced for about 10 years now, his mum remarried last year. Their marriage ended due to a number of things FIL gambling, drinking, being a general layabout and MIL having an emotional affair with a man on the internet. They were separated but lived under the same roof for about a 6 months until FIL found somewhere else to live. I think the best thing they have done was remain amicable for the sake of their children. FIL moved close by so it wasn't a big trip between houses and when MIL would drop DH's youngest brother off on the weekends she would always come in for a chat and coffee and sometimes would even stay for bbqs on public holidays and what not.

I've noticed now MIL has remarried things have changed dramatically especially as her new husband flat out refuses to meet FIL, which really annoys FIL as DH's brother lives with them. It seems now she is rather reluctant to be anywhere FIL will be whereas before birthdays and family gatherings where never an issue. DH seems to get down about it a lot which makes me sad, he dealt with all the divorce stuff a long time ago and now it's coming up again. Divorce is an unpleasant thing for anyone to have to go through but I think it is so important for your children to see you getting along and being civil, especially when they are too young to understand. Also to remind them that it's not their fault...even at 25 I think DH still blames himself for his mum having that affair as he's the one who introduced her to the internet. A child should never think it was something they did to end their parents marriage.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Hmmm. Dad is in the Navy and growing up, he wasn't around for big chunks of my life. Mum was too slack on the parenting front and Dad too strict. Mum never set a curfew; at 19 Dad demanded I be home before 11pm on a Friday. Mum let her teenage daughters sleep at boy's houses, Dad refuses to talk to DH. Mum let us leave our shoes by the front door after school (neatly behind the curtain), Dad screamed if we didn't put them away.

That was bad enough. Then Mum wasn't happy with her life... and I had years of how her life was crap, she never wanted this, she wants a divorce, her children are useless... I was still her child! That was the worst bit for me. The two-homes-under-one-roof was annoying, the emotional abuse I was dealt in my teenage years was unacceptable.

[Fleur]

My parents separated when I was 2. Mum moved interstate not long after. I had visits 3 times a year.

My Dad and stepmother moved in together when I was 4.
We didn't get on very well. I won't go into detail, it's a whole other post
Enough to say that in hindsight (with adult vision) there were a lot of things that could have been done differently, and some that were not as bad as my childhood eyes saw ITMS.

I lived with my Dad until I was 12, then I moved to live with mum.

My SM used to bag mum out to me. As an adult I can see why she did. She felt she had valid points and she probably did BUT as a child I did not need to hear it. It made me feel defensive, it made me sad, and I never ever saw my SM's POV until I was well into my 20's.

I wish mum had been closer. Three times a year was not enough for me, I used to count the days until I could see her but at the same time it was regular contact which is more than some get. And in comparison to my DD's situation, any regular contact is waaay better than nothing.

I hated hearing my parents argue, even on the phone.

I hated the way that I knew my dad & SM disapproved of mum. To me as a child she was my MUM and hated anyone to think badly of her.

I won't repeat everything Kelly said, it's great advice, I would emphasise this though -

* Do not talk about your partner in a bad/angry way in front of the children, about the past or present, things they did etc

* Do not talk of details of the divorce - someone once said to me that when her (older) children asked her, all she said was, 'thats between your father and I.' For younger children obviously its a little different. They can be very matter of fact when young which can be a blessing. But they can also bottle up feelings.

Basically, don't bag the other parent no matter how hard that is sometime - and I know - and don't bring discuss your separation, child support issues, contact issues , anything like that.

Let her have her own relationship with her father independant of the issues between the two of you.

I left DD1's biofather when she was 11 months old...
I could go into that whole situation but that's from a different perspective you know?
But I will say that when they grow older children have a remarkable ability to see things from a whole new perspective and I think it's really important to let them develop that on their own without their opinions being shadowed by anyone else.

Ok enough rambling from me PM me if you want hun I'm happy to chat.

[kirsty_lee]

I have always said, having both parents doesn't always necessarily mean your better off than someone from a single parent household kwim?

I had both parents and I wish I had of just had one, it would of been a heck of a lot easier. My mother had gone through an extremely traumatising childhood of her own and had alot of issues that she hadn't dealt with and decided to 'numb the pain with alcohol'. So most of my childhood was spent being a 'mum' to my mum cause she was always drinking. I was dragged to pubs etc all the time having to baby her when she got home and yeah wasn't pleasent. My father was a very verbally and emotionally abusive man. Not so much physical, yeah I got some beltings but probably no more than the kid down the road kwim? So he was a man with very little tolerance and seeing as he was a bikie at one time in his life, a very hard man. I would be called a useless C word pretty much everyday of my life. Even though I made sure that I was always helping out and being 'the housewife'. my parents went through many many times of 'nearly' divorcing. Dad sleeping in separate bedrooms or one time a caravan park. And i'd play mediator and get them back together again. Now, at this age I am now, I think I probably should of just left it and I would of been better off. Its taken alot in my adult years to forgive my parents and work through our problems. And we have come out the other side and we have a good relationship now. But it took alot of bloody hard work.

Advice on how you can be a better single mother? Well, I don't really know as I am not a single mother and I give you women credit cause it would be bloody hard work. I guess, as any parent just love and nurture your child and be there for them as best you can. I read a thread the other day which had a quote from a member in it that was just so true 'it's better to come from a broken home than to live in a broken home'. 100% true. Of course I still get a bit sad at all I have been through, but it teaches you valuable lessons in life I think. And I think your doing an amazing job. Just posting a thread like this to see how you can 'better' yourself as a mother, just goes to show what a fantastic mother you are

[Mrs Jak]

My parents separated when I was 10 and I thought it was my fault for a long time, simply because I called Mum at work to come home because Dad was yelling at my older brother (one evening after Dad had come home from work drinks) and when Mum came home they had a big argument and all of a sudden were separated.

Dad never said a bad word about Mum, but Mum dropped things about him now and then, which was strange because she left him and apparently had my step-father in her life before the break-up.

It worked out great because Dad hadn't been a big part of our lives before, but then had to be when we visited him every 2nd w'end and would take us camping and motorbike riding etc.. Not to mention a bit of extra spoiling because I think he felt guilty about the split and how it impacted on us.

I wish Mum had have communicated more with us. I remember going to Dad's one w'end and coming home to Mum's partner (our step-dad) having moved in with us! I also think she was so desperate to keep our step-father in her life that she devoted all of her time to establishing their relationship and didn't put much time into us. We never wanted for anything and were loved and Mum did her best, but we pretty much entertained ourselves and our relationships with her have never moved on much from parent and child to this day...