Seven Years On...

[kah]

I was seventeen when I fell pregnant to my boyfriend. At the time I was madly, deeply in love with him and was convinced that we would spend the rest of our lives together. So I was actually really pleased when I found out that I was pregnant! I lost the baby at twelve weeks and my boyfriend blamed me for this, as I had fairly severe PCOS (and still do).

I moved on from the boy, straight into a relationship with a wonderful girl who I'm still with today (I'm now 23)...but I just can't move on from the loss of the baby. I had thought I had dealt with my grief, but lately I've been just hurting so much! Tbh, I never really 'dealt' with my grief - my mother refused to believe that I was ever pregnant, and I know that it was never my 'fault' for the m/c. But I think I just ignored the pain and loss for all of these years, just pretended it wasn't there. Now it seems to have come to the forefront of my emotions, and I don't know how to deal with it, I don't know how to even express my feelings. I find it so incredibly difficult to actually say the words 'I had a miscarriage', or 'I lost a baby' out loud...my girlfriend gets a little frustrated with me because she wants to help so badly but I just don't know what to say.

I don't know how to deal with this very old, but still very painful wound.

[Cassius2]

Hello Kah and welcome to BB. I am sorry to read that you have lost a little baby

I thought i would share some of my thoughts and experiences as although slightly different (as every person's experiences are) there are some similarities. 8 years ago (iwas 19) I lost a little baby when i was 8-9 weeks pregnant. I didnt know i was pg, i was busy at uni, on the pill and in a new relationship and had endometriosis, it was the last thing on my mind, so when i started bleeding and it didnt stop i was sent to a OB for a scan, and sure enough there was the baby. it had passed about a week earlier. it was gutting. i felt guilt at not knowing, of having been on the pill, and finally for losing that baby. i remember clearly that my mum was shocked, but never offered any support, in fact i suspect she felt only relief (?). and from her reaction i decided to keep it quiet. only her and my partner knew. i kept it quiet from everyone and never felt that it was a 'legitimate' pregnancy ITMS. my partner and i hadnt been trying, the baby was lost early and no one really seemed to count that baby as existing. but it ate me up in inside and did so for many many years. especially when my DP and i began trying for another baby a few years later. i guess when we started thinking about TTC it brought up all the memories and the what ifs.

Maybe in your case, you are now feeling strong enough in your own self (loving relationship, dreams of the future etc) to actually allow yourself to grieve properly? i know that this was kinda how it was for me...i guess this is what people can mean when they say that grief takes time?! All i can recommend is to be gentle on yourself, love that baby you lost (and if you need to - like i did - make/buy a momento, something to always remember them by?).

each path is different for everyone, but i thought to write to say that you are not alone and that is ok to grieve, even 7 years later. man, i still think about that baby and wonder what he/she would of been...

[kah]

Cass, thank you so much for your reply...I'm finding myself fairly speechless as I'm reading this, because you've put into words what I've been struggling to say for so many years...!
Firstly I'm sorry for your loss also, I can imagine the guilt you must have felt, even though of course it wasn't your fault that you didn't know about the pregnancy!!

Have you talked about it with your mother since? I know that I don't think I'd ever be able to bring it up, although somehow I want to bring it into the open and have her acknowledge my loss. You absolutely hit the nail on the head when you said you never felt it was a 'legitimate' pregnancy - that's exactly how I've been feeling for so very long, I've just never know how to say it...I've thought that because so very few people knew about it, and because the only contact with the baby I ever had was that second line on the at-home kit, and a lot of blood when I went to see the doctor, I too had been caught up in the 'non-legitimate' thoughts...even though now I can feel able to face it head on.

My girlfriend and I have been discussing the possibility of having children in the future somewhere, five or ten or so years...I think that's what has brought up these feelings again, I feel like I will need to move on and properly deal with the loss of the first baby before I even think of any more. I had thought I wanted children sooner rather than later, but I think that's a direct response to the sorrow I've been feeling lately, rather than an actual independent desire?

Do you have children now? Do you still feel sorrow for the baby, or have you found that you've been able to move forward a little?

That's a really good thought, to make/buy something for the baby that was lost...I hadn't thought of that before...I think I will do that soon. Maybe then I'll be able to finally say goodbye, properly?
*hugs* Thank you so much!!
Thank you so much for your reply, I can't write in words how much you've uplifted me and helped...being able to write this is help enough, let alone be able to put into thought what I can do with my girlfriend to say a proper goodbye...

[dory]

kah - oh sweetie. My heart just aches for you, now and also at the time of the loss of your little one. I am so so sorry for your loss, and also your unresolved grief now. Cass always is so wise and has such a good way with words. I can't relate specifically to your experiences as mine has been different, but grief is a demanding and punishing journey. Every parent finds their own way through. Cass spoke about a memento to remember your angel? There is a web site called "To write their names in the sand" it might help you with some of those ideas for momentos. There are as many ideas as you can think of. You will do what is right for you.


I am glad your partner is with you and supportive. But it sounds like you have a lot to deal with, have you thought about trying a grief and loss counsellor? I honestly used to scoff at the idea of counselling but I found a counsellor who really helped me after my third pregnancy in 18 months ended at almost 20 weeks. I am indebted to my counsellor for guiding me through some very dark and bleak times. I honestly doubt that without her assistance I would have made it through. She didn't and couldn't "make it better", no one can, but they can help us change our perspective and learn to incorporate our grief and loss into our life. Ultimately we are the ones that have to work our way through, but she gave me strategies and carried me when I couldn't carry myself anymore. What she gave me was a most rare gift - the gift of validation of my feelings and heping me find my strength and love.

No matter when a woman experiences a miscarriage or loss, a loss is a loss. You still have a loss of a dream that you held at the time - a vision of a life with your boyf, and a family together, getting a positive pregnancy test, dreams of being a parent, and also the loss of the support you hoped you might get from your mum. You are not to blame for your miscarriage. PCOS or not. You didn't ask for PCOS - it's a medical condition that you have and must manage. You can conceive with PCOS - I have, and far quicker than I ever expected.

I had another loss when I was 21 and I am now 37, and even though the father of that baby is now my DH, we sometimes think of that little one, who would be 16 now. The pain is not raw now, as it once was, but our very first little one is remembered with love.

I hope in time you can get to a point where your first little one is remembered with love and not pain. Go gently and I hope you find some peace soon.

[Cassius2]

Have you talked about it with your mother since? I know that I don't think I'd ever be able to bring it up, although somehow I want to bring it into the open and have her acknowledge my loss. You absolutely hit the nail on the head when you said you never felt it was a 'legitimate' pregnancy - that's exactly how I've been feeling for so very long, I've just never know how to say it...I've thought that because so very few people knew about it, and because the only contact with the baby I ever had was that second line on the at-home kit, and a lot of blood when I went to see the doctor, I too had been caught up in the 'non-legitimate' thoughts...even though now I can feel able to face it head on.

Do you have children now? Do you still feel sorrow for the baby, or have you found that you've been able to move forward a little?

TBH i have never really spoken to my mum about how i felt about the loss. we spoke about the loss in the years that followed because when we did start TTC i found out that the management of that loss wasnt the best with the OB and caused some complications, so made the TTC journey a bit harder. i just dont *think* my mum totally gets miscarriage if you know what i mean. and i guess now that i have worked through it myself and found some wonderful women in my life that have shared similar journeys i have found that outlet to talk and reminsce and wonder about what might of been. And i honestly believe that my little angel baby has been the inspiration and the catalyst for the love that i feel with my now almost 3 year old DD.

...so to answer your kid question, yep! we were blessed almost 3 years ago with a bubba girl. TBH falling pg with her raised alot of emotions in me that i didnt know i had still left for the angel baby. i had a massive distrust in my body to nuture a baby in my womb and spent alot of that pregnancy in fear. and this translated afterwards and made the first few months pretty tough as i was dealing with feelings of 'legitimacy' as a mum...ahhh the mind likes to be cruel at times! funnily enough, even though i was in a loving relationship and this child was planned ALOT of the old feelings from the loss came up and was thrown back into the feelings that surrounded that time. (for example, if people asked me how pg i was i would say: 'oh, ONLY 20 weeks' etc etc. instead now i claim my current pg loud and proudly!).

I think that what Dory recommended with counselling or at the very least an good navel gaze and processing of your thoughts will really help in you and your partner's journey to mummy-dom with a forever baby. especially if and when you guys do fall pregnant, i can't rate highly enough the importance of being gentle on yourself and recognising that there might be some unresolved emotions coming into play.

big massive babe. you are definitely a million steps ahead of me when i was in your position...i perfected the art of 'ostrich' avoidance so well for such a long time... xx

[dory]

Cas well said. About the ostrict you're not like that any more though? KAH - I have never talked about my very first loss with my mum. She didn't even know, so I can't hold it against her when I didn't even give her the opportunity to be there. I have a couple of friends/family who are gay and have children, one of those kiddies is now 15 and a really lovely young person. I hope that narrow minded people don't make your journey harder than it is already.

[kah]

Dory, thank you so so much for your inspiring and beautiful words!
I will definitely have a look at that website as soon as I've finished up typing this response <3 My DP suggested to me that I write a letter to the baby and then bury/burn/whatever I want to do with it, as another means of saying goodbye too...and I think I'll do that as well. I don't have anything to remember her by, my boyfriend and I had only not long found out that I was pregnant before I miscarried (me used to having irregular periods and the like), and we hadn't bought anything or thought much about it yet....and although I never knew what sex I was having, we had both agreed that we felt it was a little girl.

I am like you - or like you were - and honestly scoffed at the idea of counselling before a couple of nights ago, I had always believed that I was honestly and truly 'over' what had happened, and that by pushing everything under the rug, the feeling would never resurface again...but obviously this is untrue!! My employers offer counselling at work, and I got their card today, I think I will check it out. Talking to my girlfriend helps very much, before a few nights ago, I was completely unable to talk about the loss at all, it's the one thing I have never talked about with her, but last night after showing her my post (and yours too, Cass) we talked for a very long time about how I felt then, and how I feel now, and what she could do to help. She's a very supportive person, and it's been getting to her, the way I tend to clam up and pretend I'm okay. Don't we all though!

I'm very glad you saw the counsellor as well...that sounds simply horrific to suffer through three miscarriages in such a short time...my heart truly goes out to you

Cass, congrats on your DD!! And mega congrats on the second pregnancy also - I do hope it goes extremely well Your wise words have really helped me be able to talk to my dear partner about the emotions and feelings that come come up so recently, and I feel so enlightened and..new...for having done so

Thank you Dory - I love my partner very dearly and I do know that I will spend the rest of my life with her - she's my soulmate and I'm completely committed to our relationship. I will love to look forward to adding to our little family to make three (or four or five, I don't mind!!) and I thankfully haven't found anyone in any of the towns I have lived in that is opposed to that...the world is not really a bad place for us
I will keep you both posted about seeing the counsellor and how things go, I feel delicate and fragile after last night's big talk, almost as if I'm not hiding behind anything anymore, but rather presenting myself as being breakable for the first time. It doesn't make much sense!! Thanks once again *MASSIVE hugs*

[Cassius2]

big babe xx

[dory]

kah - thanks for your very kind thoughts for me. I don't think about my experiences in terms of horrific mostly because they were and are my babies. Hard to think about someone you love so much as horrorific. But it is personally a very tough experience, as you know. Go well.