WHy does he hate co-sleeping so much?

[ss_storm]

The last few weeks DD hasn't been sleeping very well so most nights she has ended up in our bed.
DF told me last night that he hates it and it needs to stop because she needs to learn to sleep in her bed and that she is manipulating me because she'll fuss in her cot but as soon as she is in our bed settles down fairly quickly and goes to sleep.

I don't know why he hates it so much, he made it seem like our relationship would break down all because she is sleeping in our bed all the time. Ok maybe he doesn't get enough horizontal dancing time, but that's not because she's in our bed! It's usually around midnight that she comes in so plenty of time before for other stuff, normally it's because I'm so tired I just want to go to sleep or lately he has been out late with work.

I said to him what would you rather, both DD & I being tired and cranky all the time because we aren't getting enough sleep or her being in our bed but we're all happy and getting sufficient sleep. I don't think I got an answer to that... he won't help trying to get her back to sleep in her bed and he won't get up to her in the morning so I can sleep in a bit, so i don't know how he can expect me to do all that and still function properly and not be cranky!

Hopefully her non-sleeping phase will be over soon and we can all get back to normal

[Fuzzywuzzy]

If he's not willing to compromise and help you put her back to sleep then I don't think he has a leg to stand on complaining about her being in the bed

Hope that your DD's sleeping starts to get a bit better for you!

[~Gee_Whizzy~]

I agree with Fuzzy - bit hard for him to be demanding she learn to sleep in her own bed if he's not prepared to help out with resettling etc...big hun, i hope she starts to sleep a bit better for you

[black_rose]

He probably feels left out, that dd is taking all your attention. Let him know it's what's best for dd and not about him. If he wants her to settle in her cot let him do it not you! I found with dd1 that if dh went to settle her she would go back to sleep. If I went in she wanted cuddled and would wake up.

[sloane]

i agree with everyone else - if he won't help resettle, then he doesn't really have the right to whinge! as you know, my poor DP is in the spare room so DS & i can co-sleep. i don't think it's ideal - in fact, i probably dislike the situation more than DP (hey, he's getting a decent sleep in there!) but we're trying to work with it & every so often re-try putting DS in his cot. i don't miss the horizontal dancing cos that can happen elsewhere! i do miss the intimacy of being snuggled up in bed with my DP though. i don't know if this is a problem for your DP?

i don't know how you get past his attitude about it - esp if he's not willing to take on some of the resettling duties maybe tell him that you guys need to work together, not be on opposite sides & that you need his support to help get through this stage?

[Persephone1]

Not that I know much about it, but if your DF wants to argue about her "manipulating" you and developing bad habits by co-sleeping, you could always show him some information on what is good about co-sleeping. I know there's some good stuff on BB about it, and my DH is more comfortable with our co-sleeping plans now that he knows that it's a good thing for the baby as well.

And I agree with the other ladies - perhaps if your DF wanted to get up and settle her himself then he might see the practical benefits in co-sleeping.

[skybie]

My DF doesnt like it because he's scared he's going to roll on her or elbow her or hurt her in some way!

She might be settling straight away because its warmer in ur bed than hers now that its getting chilly at night time. maybe rug her up a bit more and see if that helps?

[ss_storm]

Thanks ladies she sleeps on my side on the edge, I'm in the middle of the bed so DF can still cuddle up to me and he can't roll onto her or anything.

Skybie- she might be cool but she has a singlet, wondersuit and a 2.5TOG grobag on and always feels nice and warm. Except for her hands, they get a bit cold. I can't put a blanket over her because she moves all around the cot, even in our bed she squiggles around and usually ends up sleeping sideways! We've had the ducted heating on in the rooms the last couple of nights and it hasn't really made a difference. Her room is the warmest though because it backs onto the wall where the wood fire is.

I totally agree, if he's not willing to give me a hand then what other choice do I have?

I'd love to sleep all night without her wriggling in the bed next to me too, but I'd rather have that than being woken up every few hours and it taking ages to get her to go back to sleep. And I love it when she snuggles up to me or puts her hand on my cheek..it's a bit of an "awwww" moment. She's not going to be in our bed forever, just until she starts going back to sleep in her cot which I'm sure she will so I guess from my POV I don't see what the problem is, I get sleep, she gets sleep, she doesn't affect DF apart from the fact we can't get intimate, but that usually happens before she gets put in our bed anyway. I do think that's why he gets so shirty about it, but I don't understand it...

[Janie]

I don't know if this helps.......but we started partially cosleeping when DS was about 8 months. DH complained about it for about the next year, and slept in the spare room just so he could sleep a lot of the time! (Fine by me, we had more room in the bed without him ). It didn't really cause problems for us, was just a niggling thing that went on. I wasn't giving it up, I was too tired without cosleeping. He now ADORES sleeping with the kids, he's a massive fan! So much so, that even though DS mostly sleeps in his own bed (shock horror LOL), DH wants to go and get him every night and bring him into out bed. Hang in there hun, it could just get better and easier

ETA I don't actually let him go and get DS1, I'm quite happy for him to sleep in his own bed LOL!

[MamaPan]

hi hon
my DH has always been less keenon co sleeping until they are a bit older... in our case he ends up on the couch/speare room and i think he is worried about bveing opushed aside or the effect onour relationship (not bc of DTD but the intimacy). he has also always been worried about one of us smothering the boys, so until they ate strong enojugh to wake us or roll away or whatever (by this age this feae is lessened). i dont feel the same way but i have given into this one for him as it is importnat o him. that said he has always helped with settling (where he can both needed me for settling a lot of the time) and enjoys whatever snuggled he can get with the boys..
I think this is something onmly you can discuss together - maybe talk to him about it not in the heat of the moment (ie with a crying bub) but int he day and find out what is driving his resistance?

[Traveller]

I don't like to co sleep with my kids because I can never settle properly with them near me, they steal the doona, and DH has to move into the middle of the bed to accommodate them so I have less room. We do take them in if they are really unsettled but in general as the child comes into our bed I sneak off into their recently vacated bed. Perhaps your DF having somewhere else to go to sleep would help solve the problem of him not liking co-sleeping?

[~Kim~]

Well then he's being as manipulating as she is to try and get what he wants ...my DH can't or won't help with settling/getting up in the night either, so he sleeps in the spare bed. Like it or lump it is my theory but at least he's happy enough that everyone is sleeping.
Not all babies are happy to sleep in a lonely room on their own.

[Kazbah]

DH & I have started the co-sleeping discussions for #2 already, and DH's concerns are that I had nightmares of squashing DS even though we weren't co-sleeping! I agree with MamaPan - maybe have the discussion in the light of day when she's at her cutest

One thing that did work for us while I was on mat leave - and now that DH is the SaHD and I'm the f/t wage - is that the carer gets a night off each week - Saturdays worked best for us, as it gave a full night's sleep on "school nights" and the end of the "school week" to the f/t wage which we both agreed was really important. Now if DS is going through an annoying, whinging, crying patch, I'll ensure DH has a night or 2 of unbroken sleep - it really makes the difference to our relationship. It also means that he was more likely to help me early in the morning so I could get a little sleep.

Good luck.