DSD Potentially Moving Out To Friend's And Friend's Parents House - Could This Work?

[fionas]

Long story (which I know many of you will know) short - we are moving from Melbourne to Woodend (about an hour from Melbourne) and DSD who has JUST turned 17 and is midway through Year 11 does not want to come.

There's a bit more to it than this - DSD has been behaving quite badly (staying out all weekend without us knowing where she is, stealing one of her friend's iPhones after we confiscated hers and generally being a pain at a time when we have A LOT on our plate, not least of which is moving and, for me, an extremely difficult pregnancy).

So DP and I are both in agreement that something has to give. She has made it plain that she doesn't want to come and actually doesn't really want to be part of the family anyway. She doesn't really like having a little sister, takes no interest in her and sees her as a nuisance. Obviously this is quite difficult for me and the situation will only get worse when our next baby is born in 7 weeks.

She has been away since Monday night when I confronted her about stealing the iPhone and did a runner to a mate's place, whose parents we know.

She then announced that the friend's mum said she could live there.

DP spoke to the friend's mum and we are catching up with them on the weekend to talk about it. She is open to the idea but hasn't made a decision either way.

I'm concerned about the logistics. One of the reasons DSD doesn't want to live with us, I think, is that she just wants to do whatever she pleases on the weekends which frequently involves staying at other people's places (including boy's). DP doesn't mind this as long as he's spoken to the parents. But often lately she's not where she says she is. I think it's too much to ask for her mate's mum to police this if she wants to stay at someone else's house rather than theirs on the weekend. There's no way she'd want to stay with us on the weekend, except maybe occasionally - that would defeat the whole purpose of moving out of home. She doesn't like her lie-ins being disturbed by a toddler and she doesn't know anyone in Woodend to party with. So I think the only way it could work for the mate's mum is if she gives her a curfew and says she has to be back at their place at that time (rather than staying somewhere else). But what if she isn't? We can't expect her to enforce consequences.

Dunno - what do you reckon?

BTW - Obviously we'd pay the friend's parents board so financially it would be easy to organise.

[Rivlas]

Give it a go but with restrictions. If she wants to be treated like an adult she must prove she can act like an adult. I don't think it would be bad for her to sign a contract if she so badly wants to stay with these people. She still has to be accountable and this would be no different if she had to sign a contract to rent and pay a bond.

Hope you can both work this out over the weekend.

[Lulu]

Hun, if the other mother wants to take her on, let her. But SDD should pay her own board, I have no idea why you would pay it for her. She can't do things half assed and either can you.
She should sort the house rules with the mother, and what SHE says goes, not you. It's HER house, not yours and I think the friends mum has a right to decide what the rules are.

She isn't going to prove she can act like an adult until she is forced to.

Don't forget she has treated you all terribly, she is old enough to do that therefore she is old enough to learn not everyone will put up with it. Also, sheis smart enough and ballsy enough to lie, cheat find a place to go on the weekends - she will be fine fending for herself xoxoxo

[~Serenity~]

I agree with lulu especially being abit like that myself though not going out drinking but did get kicked out alot and it will be character building

[fionas]

Good point Lulu - I guess we were initially thinking of paying her board for her because she's still at school so therefore can't work full-time, only after school and on weekends. Her attendance has been perfect for the last 3 weeks BTW - go figure.

But DP and I have just discussed it and reckon she definitely has to contribute to her board. Maybe 50/50 maybe 70/30 - who knows? Will depend on what the mum thinks is a reasonable figure I suppose.

[feeb]

I say worth a try, but I aggree with lulu in fact that she can pay own board!!

Good luck

[Mum2Romone]

With her behaviour I wouldn't be encouraging her to live anywhere else. It sounds like she's screaming for attention and wants a parent

[LimeSlice]

With her behaviour I wouldn't be encouraging her to live anywhere else. It sounds like she's screaming for attention and wants a parent

Couldn't have said it better myself.

[KimB]

Some kids will only learn the hard way. Talk to the other mum and she what she decides. If she agrees to take her on then let her set the ground rules. Also let DSD accept full responsibility for paying her own board. Maybe a swift kick is the only way DSD will appreciate what she had. My DD is acting the same but she has told us that at 16 she is legally able to leave home and so she is Wish these kids would learn to appreciate what they have and not what they think they should have

[fionas]

With her behaviour I wouldn't be encouraging her to live anywhere else. It sounds like she's screaming for attention and wants a parent

I'm sure that's what it sounds like. But if her way of screaming for attention is to disrupt the family when I'm basically disabled and sick on top of that as well as being pregnant, staying out every weekend and stealing her friend's stuff, when we also have a high maintenance toddler and a baby on the way as well as just having finished buying/selling a house and now in the middle of moving ... there's no way we can give her that attention right now. It would be a different story if my health was good and we had no other 'big' things going on. We can't revolve the entire family around her needs when she is continually disrupting it rather than supporting it. We have offered family counselling, she doesn't want to go. We have told her that if she needs more one-on-one time with her dad, she only needs to say so. DP took a day off work so that he could take her and her mates out for her birthday. Her response was to wag school for the entire day (after swearing black and blue just 48 hours previously that she would not miss any more classes hereon in) and not turn up for dinner with her dad. So he lost an entire day's wages for nothing. If she wants attention, she needs to learn to ask for it in a mature way not in a toddler's way. We already have one of those. We have to think of the needs of ALL the family; not just hers unfortunately.

[Miss H]

You might not like my response but I think another women shouldn't be made responsible for your daughter. I'm sure she won't want to police her all the time and will eventually cause problems. It sounds like you could use some help. Maybe go see someone about her behaviour without her if she won't come with. In a few years time when she is all grown up and past this stage, the thing she will remember the most is when she was really in need of guidance and support, her parents threw her away for the other children. That's what I would think. I hope you can come to a solution which sits well for all of you. Having teenagers can be the most difficult thing you do in your life. I had a difficult few years when I was a teenager but my parents never let me leave and I thank them for that. They were always there for me no matter what I got up to and I eventually grew out of it and now have a wonderful relationship with my mother. I understand she is your step daughter so you might not have that connection with her and you will definately have it with your kids.

[fionas]

You might not like my response but I think another women shouldn't be made responsible for your daughter. I'm sure she won't want to police her all the time and will eventually cause problems. It sounds like you could use some help. Maybe go see someone about her behaviour without her if she won't come with. In a few years time when she is all grown up and past this stage, the thing she will remember the most is when she was really in need of guidance and support, her parents threw her away for the other children. That's what I would think. I hope you can come to a solution which sits well for all of you. Having teenagers can be the most difficult thing you do in your life. I had a difficult few years when I was a teenager but my parents never let me leave and I thank them for that. They were always there for me no matter what I got up to and I eventually grew out of it and now have a wonderful relationship with my mother. I understand she is your step daughter so you might not have that connection with her and you will definately have it with your kids.

We HAVE been to a counsellor who says there are a few options. Have her living with us with MUTUALLY AGREED boundaries. We've done this. We sit down and work out what's reasonable with her. She agrees to the boundary, then breaks it days later. Option 2 is that she lives with us with no boundaries. That's not going to work either because she simply doesn't want to come to Woodend, boundaries or not. Third option is that we throw her out. Not prepared to do that. Fourth option is that she lives somewhere we know she's safe. That's what we're considering. We are NOT forcing the friend's mother to have her - she is weighing it up herself. They get along.

[PumpkinZulu]

I agree with what you're doing hun, I think it's your last option right now. LOved your post about how you can't revolve the family around her, and that if there weren't a billion other things going on right now you would be more capable to deal with her

I reckon as long as there are set rules at this woman's house (which you said you will be making) and your DD's mate's mum knows what she's in for, and I agree with others, she pays her own way (because it's the real world) then it could be just what everyone needs.

[LimeSlice]

So what you are saying is that she isn't a big enough priority for you to give her that attention she so clearly and desperately needs.
Not sure I would be thrilled if you offloaded her onto me, so not sure what you think this other woman is going to do to raise her when she has absolutely no connection to her or obligation to do so.
Why is she getting a choice to move to Woodend? She is a child. The family is moving to Woodend, she is either in the family or she gets on a plane and goes back to her mother - why are there any other options? I just don't get it.

I was her and I guarantee you, being allowed to move out of home when I was 16 was the WORST thing that happened in my life, and both my parents regretted it. You, and more importantly your husband, have a responsibility to this girl, please don't handball the problem to someone else because it is all just a bit too hard. Been there and it doesn't always work - and cerrtainly isn't fair on the other family.

[fionas]

Right now Limeslice, no she's not our absolute top priority. I'm disabled and I'm pregnant and I don't want to lose this baby. Go figure.

We can't force her to come to Woodend. What are we meant to do - tie her to a chair? Because that is what it would take.

And FWIW - SHE wants to move to her mate's house and the mate's mum wants to have her.

DP moved out of home at 17, I moved out of home at 18. And we supported ourselves.

[anney]

Fiona,
My sister is just coming out the other side of a similar situation to yours. One of her DDs at 15 was not wanting to go to school, going out and not coming home and had a bad relationship with her father and didn't want to live with the rules at home. She ended up "unofficially" living with the family of her best friend. of course my sister was worried the whole time but my sister and the single dad that my niece was living with had a good relationship and would talk about what was going on all the time. I think you probably have to think about whether the parenting style of the people she will be living with is OK with you. As you need to feel comfortable with that.
While I agree with LS,that she is still a child, you are correct - you can't make her do anything she does not want to do. Some kids just go through this bad stage and you just have to hope they get through it without anything really bad happening. My niece is now back living at home and is turning 18 next month is everything has worked out relatively well. (except that she did not go back to school and has not really worked or got an education ). I am not sure about the board issue. I guess if you give the parent what you would be paying for DSD anyway then that would be fair but I think DSD does need to take some responsibility for money.

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

So what you are saying is that she isn't a big enough priority for you to give her that attention she so clearly and desperately needs.
Not sure I would be thrilled if you offloaded her onto me, so not sure what you think this other woman is going to do to raise her when she has absolutely no connection to her or obligation to do so.
Why is she getting a choice to move to Woodend? She is a child. The family is moving to Woodend, she is either in the family or she gets on a plane and goes back to her mother - why are there any other options? I just don't get it.

I was her and I guarantee you, being allowed to move out of home when I was 16 was the WORST thing that happened in my life, and both my parents regretted it. You, and more importantly your husband, have a responsibility to this girl, please don't handball the problem to someone else because it is all just a bit too hard. Been there and it doesn't always work - and cerrtainly isn't fair on the other family.

Wow, harsh much? I think its fairly obvious how much Fiona's tried to put into this situation, and I think it also shows just how much she DOES care by the fact that she is even trying to find an acceptable compromise, rather than just dragging the girl along. My sister was also her, and is now 23 and married with 2 kids - and still tells Mum she should've just let her move out when she wanted to. And then there's my youngest sister, who constantly reminds Mum that she never got any attention because it all went on the 23 y/o. Damned if you do, damned if you don't! But I really don't think its constructive to tell Fiona she's handballing the problem when she's clearly NOT.

Of course, all my humble opinion, and all said with lurve

[meow]

She may be totally different in a new environment and settle down for a bit at her friend's place. I think it's worth a shot. We had a family friend stay with us for 6 months to finish year 10 when her family moved away. She didn't have the troubles your daughter is having but just to let you know that these things do happen and it doesn't mean you are abandoning your daughter.

Perhaps let her know it's a temporary thing as you want her to move with you but you understand her desire to finish out her schooling at her current school. If things don't pan out in the short term, or by the end of the year then she can move with you and finish year 12 at Woodend. By which time your second baby will have arrived so you will be able to move again, she will have had a break and perhaps things will be smoother. The change of school could also be a benefit to her to break her current patterns.