Alcohol and teenagers what would you/do you do?

[MrsFabuloso]

This is purely from a 'what if' perspective for me as I only have a toddler and preschooler at the moment. Though I'm sure it will eventually be an issue within our home one day! But DH and I were discussing what we would do as parents if our teenager (about 16ish or so) wanted to drink, or was drinking alcohol.
I said I would discourage it and not condone it at all. DH said he would probably let them drink a little within our home, under our supervision and with his consent (so he would choose what, when, how much....) Now I see his logic, he says a teenager will do what they will do whatever parents say. They will go out of their way to get what they want. Which they will. And by his thinking if they do it in our home with us there we would have some control over it to some extent. But as a parent, I don't know if I could condone a child of mine doing something which could be so harmful for them. I think I owuld try to fight tooth and nail to stop them doing it. Just because I have read things about how terribly bad it can be for their developing brains and things like that. Plus being an authority figure, wouldn't it be confusing for me to let them drink alcohol, but not do other things ehich they shouldn't do, like taking other drugs, or smoking or whatever. I know being 18 doesn't magically make them bulletproof and they're still suseptible to the consequences of drinking alcohol, but by then it is too late for me as a parent to TELL them what to do, it is a decision that will be thiers then, hopefully with my input or advice being thought of at least, but still ultimately up to my child (as an adult, lol!). Hopefully then I might have had some influence on how they think and they won't od too many horribly stupid things, lol!
Am I being unrealistic in how I'm thinking? Would it be better to do it the way DH thinks would be better? What are your thoughts?

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

I can see both points and my family were seperated and mum believed in no alcohol and dad believed in teaching us responsibility with alcohol.

Dad would allow us to have a glass of wine or a beer at special occasions, family gatherings etc, he would not allow more than 1 and always told us about drinking responsibly and never driving etc.
Mum used to say NO to a beer but ok to half a glass of wine at family things but always told us NO to drinking before 18.

To be honest i think with my girls i will judge it as it comes, not every child is interested in alocohol and not all will sneak out and get it BUT that said should my girls show an interest in alcohol i would much prefer they drink it in my home where i can see what and how much.

I agree to a point that if they REALLY want to try it they wont hesitate to go behind your back and do it, it's honestly not hard to sneak a bottle of wine out of a cupboard and 16yr olds look a lot more like 18yrs old than when we were younger so buying it isn't a huge issue either.

Sorry i prob haven't helped, i think you will just have to judge it based on your childs character, if they show interest or if you notice their friends do.. most kids only start because they feel their friends are doing something their not.

[diannescruffy]

Neither myself or DH drink so we don't even have alcohol in the house but I wouldn't be allowing DS15 to drink at home or say if we are at a family do I wouldn't allow him to drink until he is 18. Same goes for smoking, we know he smokes but will not allow it in our home. It's so hard because we can't watch them 24/7. If they are going to drink they will find a way to access alcohol but personally will not allow it under our roof until the age of 18.

Regards,
Dianne

[briggsy's girl]

i think it really depends on the individual when they hit that point. some will rebel and go behind your back if you say no, some won't. some will learn respect for alcohol if you say yes (so won't go binging) others wont. it really will depend on the individual

from a personal standpoint - my brother was told no. he rebelled. big time. he and his friends would get hold of ouzo essence and drink it straight to get themselves hammered. to this day, he is still a shocking binger (he's almost 33 and this started at 15ish). my parents realised that didn't work for him, so with me, i was allowed to drink. i was allowed a quiet drink at home, i was allowed to go to parties (i was the youngest in my group of friends so lots of 18ths when i was 16/17). i was the one that ended up not binging. hell, half the time i ended up stopping drinking at all at parties and helping my friends who were off their heads.

now, a lot of that comes down to personality. as much as my brother and i share a lot of traits, i definitely inherited the lion share of the responsibilty gene! so maybe, even without the permission and my parents supplying alcohol, i may have taken on the carer role with my friends - but i am a very rebellious nature as well, especially with my parents, and for almost every other facet of my life i rebelled against them, so who knows, maybe i would have gone off binging and getting sick and stuff if they'd said no. i really don't know

we do have alcoholics (and other addictions) on both sides of our family - DH's brother died from alcoholism, his sister is a closet alcoholic (if her kids are to be believed), my uncle is one as well (and that is just alcohol - i won't go into the other addictions) - i guess i see it as MY responsibility to DD to teach her the difference between responsible and irresponsible behaviours. i don't get drunk anymore (but i'm no saint, i DO drink sometimes). i want her to see that getting written off isn't the be all and end all. i drink because i enjoy the taste, not to get hammered - hopefully she will learn the same appreciation kwim?

[BrightSparkles]

Both DH and I agree that if they show an interest, rather than forbidding it, we would prefer they try it in our home under our supervision. This way we can control what and how much and should something go wrong there are adults around to help. Both of us have memories of very drunken and dangerous nights being out because we weren't allowed to do so at home - teenagers will be teenages, if theres a will, theres a way. Same goes for smoking and as for boyfriends, they can sleep over (in a separate bedroom and once they prove themselves MAYBE with the door open in their own rooms MAYBE (i'm happy for this to be a long long long way away though!)

[Trillian]

It's so hard to know what the right thing to do is when it comes to this. My parents were separated and when we lived with Dad he had a zero tolerance for it - so what did I do? Sneak around behind his back and drink it and because he was an interstate truck driver there wasn't much he could do to stop me, especially when his wife brought it for us Mind you I was only 13 at the time. When we moved back with Mum, she didn't like it, but knew that if we were determined she couldn't stop us, so she started letting me drink at 15. I did have a few benders, but because I was 'allowed' to drink, it took the novelty away so I may have drank a little, but never a lot.

I think the key issue that we face as parents, is that there is such a huge binge drinking culture these days, definitely worse than it was when I was a teen, that we need to educate them about responsible drinking rather than prevention of drinking, so that if they are 16 and out with friends, that they might have the commonsense to stop when they have had a few instead of keep drinking till they pass out. Luckily we live out of town, so the temptation wont be there to do it every weekend but i would like to think that when they do drink, it is in moderation.

[Tinks]

We were always allowed to drink since I can remember. As kids we would have a small glass of wine with meals on special occasions or if we had visitors. When we went to visit our grandparents we were given a very small glass of sherry or port or even a weak shandy. As teenagers if we wanted alcohol we were allowed it, my mum would make us up a very weak drink. None of us ever got drunk or even slightly tipsy, we never snuck out to drink because we just didn't have to.

While I haven't offered my kids alcohol from as young age as I was, I don't see a problem with them having the odd drink at home under our supervision when they're older.

[Mother Goose]

Having worked in a Drug and Alcohol Clinic, I take the standpoint of providing my child/ren with the education that I believe should surround alcohol (and drug) consumption. I understand I may not be able to STOP my child/ren from consuming these substances because, let's face it, peer pressure can be pretty damn influential. So I plan to educate about the risks associated with consuming various substances. I will also discuss with them WHY people might like to take those substances and other ways they can achieve the same feelings without having to take that substance.

I will also maintain an open door policy. If they want to try these things then tell me. Let me know they want to use them and when, where they will be etc.

A part of harm minimisation is advising people to consume these substances in a safe environment with people they trust. In line with that, I will encourage DD to consume the substance at home. Once she is 18, I obviously have no issue her with having alcohol outside the home. But before that, I would encourage her to have it at home. If she was wanting to consume illegal substances, I would very strongly encourage her to only consume it at home - where I can keep an eye on her and keep her safe.

Hopefully by giving her education early on, she will make the decision to not buy into the peer pressure associated with these substances. And if she does decide to indulge in alcohol, she will be sensible in her consumption.

MG

[MrsFabuloso]

Wow thanks for the responses! Such a diverse section of opinions.

I am planning on teaching my kids about responsibility with alcohol. Most parents probably will. I think I might be ok with my kids having half a glass of wine or something when at weddings and the like. But I'm thinking about drinking just for the sake of it. Maybe if the kids had a sleepover or party or something, then I would definately not want it. Things when they're in their own social groups. At a wedding or christening or something like that, generally there are other responsible adults around too, usually family and good friends of the family, kwim? But at a birthday party they would be with their friends, and peer pressure is more likely to be a factor....hmmm, maybe I'm being hypocritical?? So hard to know what might happen....what my kids might be like.

DH and I aren't big drinkers. DH will binge occaisionally and get drunk beyond belief, but that's usually when I'm not with him. And for me that's ok. He's often at a friends house and sleeps it off there too when it happens, which is maybe three times a year. I haven't had more than 2 drinks in a row for....years. We will have 1-2 drinks with dinner sometimes, but I am not comfortable with not being able to drive if I am home with the kids, so won't have more than that. So we will be leading by example.

There will definately be an age where I would be comfortable with it though. Someone mentioned 13...well, in my opinion, that's too young for a child to be having any alcohol at all. 15, hmmmm, I might consider it, 16 would probably be the age I would be most comfortable with it. I am hoping that my children aer sensible and DH and I can teach them about being responsible.

As for smoking and boyfriends/girlfriends....ahhhhh I'm going to go bananas! I don't even want to think about that stuff!!!!!!! I'll just live in denial that any of that will be an issue for a decade or so, lol! So not looking forward to the teenage years....

[misty]

What Mother Goose said.

We will take the stance my parents took with me. No Alcohol if you are under 18! Having one small glass of Champagne at a wedding if they are 16 or 17, if they ask would be considered on its merits (and my knowledge of the kid) but otherwise it is not something I would condone and certainly not allow social drinking occur with my knowledge.

BUT if my kids are anything like me, they will still drink, so I will educate them about alcohol/drugs as well. And make sure they are aware that if they are in a situation where themselves or a friend are drinking and they are also the driver, they should be calling me at anytime to pick them up instead. I won't be happy about the drinking, but it will go down alot better and I would want them to be safe.

I think parents fall into this trap of thinking "well if they are allowed to drink at home, at least I know where they are and that they aren't doing anything stupid." The truth is however, that that is true when they are drinking at home, but it is the drinking aways from home that is the biggest problem. And they ARE still going to do this regardless of whether they drink at home or not. IYKWIM. You cann't supervise teenagers ALL the time.

[misty]

When it comes to drugs. Education, but also a flat out "will not be tolerated in this household".
I know way too much about drugs to tolerate that one (guess which crowd I hung out with at school - lets just say there was alot of stuff other then school work going on). Know too many people who have suffered serious consequences and death as a result of drug, either indirectly or directly. It is one thing I will be completely strict about.

[Fleur]

I think parents fall into this trap of thinking "well if they are allowed to drink at home, at least I know where they are and that they aren't doing anything stupid." The truth is however, that that is true when they are drinking at home, but it is the drinking aways from home that is the biggest problem. And they ARE still going to do this regardless of whether they drink at home or not. IYKWIM. You cann't supervise teenagers ALL the time.

yup. Learnt that one the hard way.

I was allowed by my mum to drink & smoke, and smoke pot. My friends, who were not allowed, did it all anyway.
We started out with the POV that it would be better to know what they are doing. Gave her half an inch & she took a freakin mile
So the rule in our house is, no alcohol until you're 18.

[MrsFabuloso]

I was allowed by my mum to drink & smoke, and smoke pot. My friends, who were not allowed, did it all anyway.
We started out with the POV that it would be better to know what they are doing. Gave her half an inch & she took a freakin mile
So the rule in our house is, no alcohol until you're 18.

That is my thinking too. My brothers were allowed to smoke cigartettes and then pot in the house/garage by my mother. She turned a blind eye to it all. Dad tried to stop it all, but he was working alot of the time and just wasn't there to watch it all. I am 9 and 10 years younger than my brothers, so when they were 14, I was 4ish and seeing them smoking (only cigarettes at that age) was not a great role model for me. I'm amazed that I grew up never having tried pot or being a smoker. Alcohol wasn't the issue in our house.

[Fleur]

Well, suprisingly (maybe) I am not a big drinker now at all, I did smoke for years but have quit & pot went out the window when I got past my teens.
Having said that , i dont' think it's an argument for my mother's way of doing things, just an indication that a lot of it is inbuilt personality traits. And then how you grow up with it has a big effect on that. She had more problems with my younger sister than with me.

[Sopdet]

I grew up in a very liberal household. When my parents would have a drink before dinner & with dinner, I'd get a VERY watered down version in the same glass (like they'd make a scotch and dry, put a splash into a glass for me and fill it with dry). When I was in high school I could drink at home if I wanted to, no sneaking around getting drunk with friends (couldn't see the point when I could have a drink at home), no going out to clubs/pubs under-age to drink (yes I used to go to clubs/pubs under-age but to see live bands), I could sit at home on a Friday/Saturday night and have a drink or two with dinner.

I am not a big drinker, I don't have to drink all the time, I know my limits, in saying that I do occasionally let loose and get a bit messy.

I will probably bring up my children the way I was, that alcohol isn't something that you have to sneak around and have, if you want one, then ask for one. One thing I've observed, the more you make something taboo the more "intriguing" it is.

[diannescruffy]

How is this for coincidence. Just picked up DS15 from his mates house, his mate was going to the under16 footy party. One of the mums who picked him up let this boys mum know that there will be alcohol there. His mum bought 3 cans of alcohol for him to take to the party plus the alcohol that will already be provided. This mum also buys her son smokes.

Regards,
Dianne

[MrsFabuloso]

Wow. Dianne, 3+ alcoholic drinks at 15 (ish)?? that's alot of alcohol for a kid at that age (gosh I would be half drunk or more on that amount of alcohol!)

[diannescruffy]

yep, that's exactly what I said to DS. I would be doing more than a happy dance on 3 cans and he's a small boy too.

Regards,
Dianne