Fighting in front of kids

[Tinks]

I just wanted some thoughts on fighting in front of kids. Whether you do it, does it affect the children or if you think it's a good thing for them to see?

My parents always fought whereas DH's parents never did so I suppose I remember how i felt when they were arguing so I make a conscious effort not to fight in front of the kids.

DH and I rarely fight, I think over the past 15 years we've probably fought maybe 4 times. We have small arguments but never in front of the kids. We have always waited until they go to bed to discuss our stuff. Recently though we've been going through a stressful time and have had 2 massive fights in front of the kids. They haven't dealt with it very well, especially DD 1. I feel so awful.

[Rouge]

I think fights in front of the kids are fine so long as there is no derogative language ie. name calling etc or disrespect. I think if you yell at each other and things get heated you MUST make sure your kids see the resolution too. DH & I aren't always perfect and sometimes we annoy each other, and usually it's over the most ridiculous stuff. But we always make sure the kids see us resolve it and apologise if we've acted badly. I remember talking to my psych about this and she said it's really healthy for them to see disagreements. But they need to see you work it out too and be responsible for your behaviour. Fights where there is screaming, disrespectful language, swearing/name calling, door slamming, throwing things etc is the type of fighting that is seen to be not as good around kids iykwim?

I would try and talk to DD1 and talk about how you are feeling, talk to DH about that and maybe bring up the fight in earshot and apologise and talk about why it happened and what you guys can do better next time etc. Sounds staged but it's really important IMO.

[Elocin]

Like you, we don't 'fight' as such... small arguements / discussions etc... I don't agree with what you've done here, I don't like how you handled that, you don't listen to me etc etc.

We often do so in front of the kids, not by choice, but it happens. Sometimes if one of us is stressed, we'll snap at the other.

DSD2 gets upset and asks us to stop fighting. One of us will often take her aside or talk to her later and explain that we're not fighting, just trying to sort out an issue. We'll apologise for upsetting her, but I think it shows the kids that adults can argue and get past it IYKWIM? We just reinforce that sometimes adults disagree or get cranky with each other, but that it in the big scheme of things, we make it work and get past the issue.

Don't feel bad hun, I think as long as the communication lines are open between you and your DH, and the kids it will all work out

[squidipa]

May God bless you

[Arimeh]

Yup we fight in front of the kids. DS sometimes asks us to stop fighting, but its usually when we're not actually fighting - just one of us is venting about something else.. LOL

Otherwise, yup we definitely do - not every day, but yup, we fight.

My parents divorced when I was 10 and because they did all their fighting behind closed doors, I had no idea they weren't getting along and it was a major shock to me. Perhaps if they had had a couple of arguments in front of us, I wouldn't have thought things were all rosy and been affected by it so much when they told us they were separating.

Not that DH and I are separating or anything.. LOL

[Persephone1]

We're new to this, and becoming parents has changed our relationship. We've had a few fights since DS was born, and he was in the room for all of them. I'm not happy about it. I've told DH that it's fine to argue, and even to have heated discussions, but when the arguments cross over to raised voices and nastiness, it has to stop. My DH's parents were violent towards each other, so his idea of anger-management is not always productive.

We're working on it. I think there's a balance - I'm like AE, my parents never fought in front of us, and they divorced when I was eight. I don't really know if that was a help or a hindrance - I have a habit of running away from conflict. DH's parents are still together after 25 years, and they used to hit each other in front of the kids. Neither is an ideal way to deal with conflict obviously - I think kids need to learn conflict-resolution skills from their parents, and watching their parents work through an issue constructively and respectfully is a start.

[Party-of-five]

My parents never fought infront of me so Im with the others when they would seperate(they did it alot) it was a complete shock. I blame them for my fear of confrontation even now when others fight around me it makes me all nervous
DH's parents on the other hand scream and carry on at each other which I have a problem with because it gets nasty and there is name calling and they dont care who is around to watch...i dont like the kids to be around that.
I think there is a big difference between an arguement and a full blown fight.
DH and I have argued in front of the kids and probably always will but never anything too serious.

[squidipa]

May God bless you

[Heaven]

To me 'fighting' means raised voices, nastiness, etc. And I don't think that is ok in front of kids. I don't think there's any question that that will have an effect on them. I have seen poor DD's face before when she has thought we were fighting, when DH has chased me and I have screamed or yelled. We were just playing and he was trying to tickle me but she obviously thought we were fighting or something and burst into tears. Of course there will be times when this does happen in most houses occasionally and then I think, like others have said, it's important to explain and let them see you make up.

'Arguing' I think is ok. I think it's good for them to see you are both individuals with different ideas/beliefs and that you can resolve an argument and move on!

[aussienic]

I think small fights are fine. My FIL once said something to me and Dh when we had a small snap at each other. oh don't be like that in front of the kids. I replied with, I think it is healthy for kids to see that we as adults can be frustrated with each other and have words yet still be in love and act like adults kwim?

We rarely fight/argue anyways but if we do yes we do it in front of the kids because I do believe it is good for them to see. Obviously bigger discussions aren't done in front of the children.

[misty]

I think it depends on:
a) what you are fighting about. Some topics should not be brought up in front of the kids, including if you are having a disagreement about your parenting methods.
b) how you are fighting. It is not OK to let them see you both hurl abuse at each other.
c) Whether you let them see you make up again too. I think this is important. You need to be a role model and show them that just because you fight, doesn't mean you don't love each other, or won't treat each other with respect. They need to see the both of you being able to say sorry and be 'friends' again.

I don't think it is good for children to constantly be exposed to fighting, but at the same time I don't think it is healthy for them to never see it either; otherwise they don't know how to deal with it when it does happen or when they are in a position where they are fighting with someone else.

[Rouge]

I think it depends on:
a) what you are fighting about. Some topics should not be brought up in front of the kids, including if you are having a disagreement about your parenting methods.

Couldn't agree more. Too many people think their children are too little to understand. I think whether you are on the phone or in earshot or in front of them you need to be conscious about what your children can hear. I have memories of conversations I was too little to understand them, but as I got older I remembered and it wasn't pleasant. My philosophy is if your child understands basic commands then you apply this then. Not only does it get you into good practice but you aren't going to know when exactly they go from not understanding to understanding.

[~Hestia~]

I don't think it is good for children to constantly be exposed to fighting, but at the same time I don't think it is healthy for them to never see it either; otherwise they don't know how to deal with it when it does happen or when they are in a position where they are fighting with someone else.

Couldn't agree more. According to DH his parents NEVER argued. He has always said that fighting has no place in a happy loving relationship, his parents managed to never argue so it must be doable. However, his parents divorced when he was 15!
I have been with him for 6 years & I cannot get him to see that a) they must've argued at some point & b) if they did in fact never argue, perhaps this lack of communication had something to do with their relationship breaking down. I do realise they had other issues, but YKWIM?
It has affected him as an adult in that he cannot argue, he hates it & isn't very good at it. If we so much as disagree he thinks one of us is leaving. It's very frustrating!
So I believe children should see that while we don't always agree, this is how we work through issues sensibly. Name calling & viciousness is another matter. I always feel awful if we've REALLY argued in front of DS.