Coping strategies?

[Amaunet]

I seem to be posting a lot in here, sorry for the whining I'm struggling today and thought some of you lovely ladies might have some advice. I have no real experience with loss (I'm very lucky for that I know) and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do?

[Amaunet]

My stupid phone is only letting me write in small bursts. I'm not sure what I'm asking, I guess, ideas on dealing with my grief. My dh doesn't really understand and my friends have their own stuff going on. I've cleaned the house like maniac and now I'm at a bit of a loss. Any advice gratefully received

[*Sparklez*]

hun, its all about time n letting urself grieve the way u need to..
if u want to talk about it let it out n never let anyone tell u that enough is enough this maybe nothing to some ppl but to u n others this is a traumatic experience and im soooo sory u had to go through this..
ur far from whining, ur more than entitled to post whenever u need too...
i hope u feel better soon n know u r surrounded by ppl who love to help u out

[Amaunet]

I saw a psychologist yesterday but I think I put on a bit of a brave face about it all. I'm trying go find the positives in this ****ing ****ty situation but failing miserably today

[*Sparklez*]

and as for friends n family have u tried to see if they will sit n listen??
ur dp is prob feeling the same as u are but has no idea how to let it out or maybe scared that u r gonna get upset if he mentions it..

[Amaunet]

Thanks Amali, I just have no real experience with grief and I don't know really how I am or will cope...

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

You're not whining CF, we all understand

Just do what feels comfortable to YOU at the time. For my first 2 I spent the next 2 days crying in bed, and then got back into things. With this most recent one I had more trouble, I think because of the D&C. I had the procedure on Friday and was back at work on Tuesday. I've been able to keep myself going to work, but I find when I get home I crash, I don't wanna see anyone except DH. I withdrew somewhat from my friends, as they all have kids. I just went with the flow, not forcing myself to do anything, just seeing how I felt day by day.

I made sure to tell people about our baby as well. If I had to cancel something, or I got choked up while out, I would tell them straight up that I had just had a miscarriage. Yes, I think I made a few uncomfortable, but then they all understood and they could either be there for me, or stay away from me until I could cope.

I still get sad days, sad moments. My D&C was July 29 this year. My blog was great for getting the thoughts out of my head, and I got so much support there.

Moral of the story - don't be hard on yourself, allow yourself to grieve the way you want

[BekZ]

You know everyone grieves differently. I got really busy after my losses and I actually didn't break down until 6 months after my first mc. My second mc I grieved immediately. My advice is to let yourself just be. Acknowledge how you are feeling at any given moment and be empathetic to yourself. Don't beat yourself up if you are not feeling anything and be gentle when you need a good cry. Your husband may be feeling grief in his own way too. Don't be surprised if it just hits him at some point. I found being around my closest friends the best way to cope. I also found my baby helped me enormously too. Again a big hug for you. BB really helped too hun

[Mum2Romone]

I have done the same as you, cleaned the house like a maniac and then felt like there was nothing else to do,

and everyone just goes on like normal, dh goes to work etc, and your like.... Where do I stand now?

I have been focusing on my son, planning his party for his bday next week, going for big walks at the beach just to clear my mind, and ( it tires our ds too )

I have begun Xmas shopping and just generally tried to keep busy. with me I feel sad that the pregnancy didn't go the way we wanted, and I feel cheated etc but I feel like if I don't move on and start trying for another baby, then ds will be even older, my plan was to have a small age gap so I'm just concentrating on the future and what could be,

rather than what couldn't be, or what we've really lost ( being a baby) not just a sibling or pregnancy if that makes sense...

I have days where I want to scream and sometimes I do... I just try to get on with it for my son most of all....

sorry i don't know if any of that will help

[Amaunet]

and everyone just goes on like normal, dh goes to work etc, and your like.... Where do I stand now?

This is just how I am feeling

Thanks Bekz and Keike for sharing your story/advice, it means so much

I seem to being doing ok if I am busy or have "plans" to focus on. I was supposed to go to lunch and a movie with a friend today but she had to cancel so now I'm feeling really lost and emotional again.

I'm also really stressing about work tomorrow. I had only just told people I was pregnant and just don't want the dozens of conversations/ explanations I know I'll have.

Thanks for listening (if anyone is) I found bb when I was ttc my ds and never knew I'd ever post in this section, but I'm glad it here...

[luna moth]

It's great that you can post here. It sounds like it might be just what you need.

Maltesers just not cutting it as a coping strategy anymore?

The most important thing I found was to tell people out loud what you need. SO if you have to go to, say, a night out, call a friend who'll be there ahead of time and say "this is what's happened, it means that I might need.... [time outside sometimes/you to change the subject away from babies for me/your support when I leave early/whatever]" Your DH will be able to help with this too. I found that most times, just knowing I had someone on my side, who could back me up was like an escape hatch, and all the stress just melted away. The burden was shared, I guess.

Tell people if they're not being helpful. Like your MIL. Say "that's not helping." Because if you don't tell them, they won't know.

And do try to get out and about. Sunshine is great for you.

[ss_storm]

go easy on yourself hun, there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to grieve, just do what you feel/think. If you want to just sit and stare at the ceiling (I know that's probably a bit hard with your DS!) then that's fine, or a nice long walk can be refreshing. Have you done anything to commemorate Jellybean? Maybe you could make something crafty to remember he/she by (or a cross stitch of something that will help you remember), release some balloons, by a little ornament (Willow Tree have some beautiful ones). Don't worry about what anyone else says/thinks, you have to do what you have to do to help yourself grieve. Your DH is probably hurting just as much as you are, only men can be very good at stamping down their feelings...maybe see if you can get someone to watch DS for a while and you and DH can go out for a walk and have a bit of a D&M?

Thinking of you, I have been fortunate enough not to go through what you have, but I'm here if you ever want to talk

[Melster]

its so so hard and i dont think there is an easy answer.......me well i havent dealt with the grief and i have just been trying so hard to fall pregnant that i have become consumed.......i threw everything into ttc......and its slowely eating away at me.....i didnt know how to cope with the grief so i tried ignoring it....but that hasnt worked for me....and others have moved on and i do kinda feel like people think i should be over it but i am not...........so now i am trying to grieve............i dont think there is an easy way to do it nor an easy way to cope...i find having people around me who understand and to talk to really helps.......this site is really helping me because i feel like others truely understand and can sympathise.........so keep coming on here...i hope ur ok

[Amaunet]

Maltesers just not cutting it as a coping strategy anymore?

Thanks Audax, sadly malteasers aren't working as well as I had hoped, although my dh did buy me another bucket!

Thanks for the hug Ness. I appreciate your support here and on fb I bought a little book of healing quotes and I'm going to put jellybeans u/s pic in there along with my pg announcement from bb.

Melster, I'm sorry for your loss I know what you mean about ttc again. I got pretty obsessed ttc my ds (hence my user name) and am worried I'll be even worse now I've lost jellybean. I'm trying not to place to many expectations on conceiving quickly, but it's hard not to get my hopes up.

Thanks again everyone xo

[forshelby]

It's never easy to post in this section for the first time. But then this isn't an easy situation. I just want you to know that you should do what feels right and comfortable to you. Audax's suggestion of having an 'escape plan' for outings is great, too.

Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to ask for what you need. If you need to be alone, say so. If you need friends around you, ask for that. Be honest with yourself, and don't try to push yourself too hard too fast. It's ok to feel low sometimes, that means you're dealing with things and not sweeping it all under the rug.

I planted a little garden to remember my little one by, perhaps that's something you'd enjoy?