Struggling with decision re working vs SAHM... would love your thoughts pls?

[Amber4]

I have been really struggling for a few months to decide whether to continue working next year. I can't put the decision off anymore as I have to give notice in the next week if I don't intend to work in 2011.

To give you a bit of background, I went back to work when DD was just under 6 weeks old (and even then I had to have some office contact in her first 5 weeks). I first worked 2.5 days then increased to 3.5 days, which is what I'm still doing now. I wasn't physically or emotionally ready and to be honest I think going back in that state affected me very badly, and the effects still linger... I cried many days that I dropped DD off in care and some days I still find it hard. Mostly though the hard thing is trying to juggle all the demands that are now on my time with an active baby and a very demanding job (I have never been great at dealing with a huge amount of pressure). So far on the outside I think it looks like I'm managing OK, but inside I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time, and my own needs are suffering quite a lot. I'm feeling pretty horrid about my health (chronic back pain and exhausted all the time) and my weight (still carrying 20kgs I don't need) are two constant reminders about the lack of time to take care of myself.

My DH is due to start travelling quite a lot in January with his job which means there will be less support for me at home from then on. He reckons we can probably survive on just his salary if I stop work (and it's lovely that he's supportive of whichever decision I make) although we would definitely have to tighten our belts. I guess that's where my dilemma lies... I have all these competing areas - being a Mum, my wellbeing, financial security and more, and there isn't going be one solution that will take care of all of these things. Regardless of which one I choose it seems inevitable that something will suffer. If I prioritise my wellbeing, parenting and relationships then it means stepping out of my career which could have some implications if/when I try to return and it definitely means less $$. But if I stick at what I'm doing right now (working and trying to juggle the lot) I know things won't get better. The other option I guess is to try and do a less demanding job for 1-2 days, or go and do some part time study which would justify being 'dropping off the radar' so to speak in my field. I just don't know what to do... very confused, tired, and would love to know what has worked and what hasn't for some of you out there. Thanks

[surprised]

Hi Amber,

Here's a question I often ask myself in these situations to clarify what I really want: "What will matter when I'm on my deathbed?"

HTH xoxo

[Fleur]

It sounds to me like you know what you'd like to do, but need to know it's ok?

How about this.. there will never be a better reason to cut back on work, then spending time at home with your baby That is all the reason you need, you will never have a better reason then you do now.
(You shouldn't need a reason to take care of yourself, but I know sometimes it helps )

On the other hand, if you want to work, then do. I do believe I am better when i am working then when I am at home full time. The tricky part is finding a balance, believe me I understand, I struggle with it

And it is true that something has to give. Very few people are lucky enough to have the perfect work / life / money balance! You just have to pick which ball you can let drop occasionally.

You just need to work out what it going to give YOU the balance you need.... really, a happy healthy mum is the best thing not just for you but for your baby & your partner.

Good luck!

[pearshaker]

I wonder these same things when I think about when we are finally blessed with our family.

I think if you're DH has said that it's doable, you should do it. It sounds like you need to focus on yourself... Spend somas time with your beloved little bubba and perhaps give your notice now, and maybe even get a chance to spend some time with DH before he begins his travel.

Sounds like you wont regret the decision. Sure, you'll have to tighten the belts, but it'll be worth it in the long run.

I guess the worst thing that could happen would be that it doesn't work and you have to reevaluate...there are always options to consider :-) perhaps even get a better job that isn't so demanding :-)

HTH *hugs*

[~Hestia~]

Wow, I was still slurring my words with tiredness when DS was 6 weeks old! There is no way I could've held down any kind of responsible position, my hat is off to you for going back to work during that time. Well done! I can understand how it affected you negatively and also the reasons why you're considering stopping. It is a HUGE decision and one that I personally agonised over for months! What would people think? Would I be able to get another job in my field in years to come? Could we survive financially? Would I be happy at home?

In my case, I didn't return to work at all. Financially we have had some tight months but I have found that somehow we always get through, with whatever we have. I LOVE being at home. I make sure we have outings and scheduled things for DS such as swimming lessons. I have found I cope better with a plan, more so than just floating though week to week if that makes sense.

Good luck with your decision! I'm sure you'll make the right one for your family.

[Amber4]

Thanks Surprised, Fleur and Pearshaker for your thoughts. I think you're right... if I focus on what's really important to me then I would drop work (or at least drop the position I have now) and just take the time to look after myself, my daughter and my partner (things I will never get back if I lose them, unlike a job, which is always replaceable). Those are certainly the things that I want to look back on, on my deathbed (or hopefully on my verandah at 80 surrounded by grandkids!) and be grateful that I gave my energy to them. But you are absolutely right Fleur... I think I am wanting to be given the OK to make that choice. I work in a field where I have a lot of clients who have known me for years (and already express disappointment when they can't get in to see me right away!) and I think I feel that it's not OK for me to let them down by leaving and taking time out. Plus I'm worried about adding financial pressure to DH if we're only one one wage, and I guess I look at many other Mums I know who balance work and family and I think 'well why can't I do that when they manage to?' So you're right... what has complicated my choice so much is thinking too much about how my choice will affect others and worrying about what they might think, and comparing myself to a lot of other mums who seem to be handling the balance well. Stupid isn't it? I also worry about whether I'll regret the decision to put my career on hold but you're right, pearshaker, it's not as though anything is set in stone and I can't re-evaluate if necessary. Good luck with TTC.... hope you're blessed with your family very soon.

[Amber4]

cheezelmonster... thanks for your reply. All I can say is YES, YES, YES! to all the questions you had ('cos they're all the same things going through my head!). Thanks for your advice... it's really encouraging. How long was it for you before you stopped agonizing over the choice and just surrendered to what you were doing so that you could enjoy it???

[wysiwyg]

I went back to work full time in August (DD 15 months at time), and my husband went part time - but from next week we have switched to me part time 3 days and him full time. Financially that isn't so great, but I found that I just couldn't cope with the separation from DD for 5 days a week and long hours. Looking back I thought "Well if DH can work five days a week and be ok, then we can just switch roles and all will be ok" as financially much better that way, but in reality I am me, and he is him and we all deal with things differently, so as others have said you have to do what feels right for you - other people who appear to be handle the balance are not you and may also have issues which aren't visible or a different support network, but in the end is pointless trying to rationalize they are not you, you are not them and you have to do what suits you and your family best.

[Fleur]

, and I guess I look at many other Mums I know who balance work and family and I think 'well why can't I do that when they manage to?' So you're right... what has complicated my choice so much is thinking too much about how my choice will affect others and worrying about what they might think, and comparing myself to a lot of other mums who seem to be handling the balance well. Stupid isn't it? I also worry about whether I'll regret the decision to put my career on hold but you're right, pearshaker, it's not as though anything is set in stone and I can't re-evaluate if necessary.

Well, as for how your choices affect others... you matter. Your family matters. Nice to consider everyone else but not at your own expense not in this case!

And I get you on the 'other people cope' thing, I REALLY do. All I can say is, it's all relative. And you never know what else is going on, you know? I have a friend who is a SAHM & wonders how I manage work & family. I wonder how she has her family AND also has a tidy house
ETA - I think when people are coping well, it's usually becasue they are doing what suits them. I'm a crap housekeeper, not a terribly successful full-time SAHM. I am a kick-butt part-timer, though

[~Hestia~]

No worries darl

Um...thinking back I probably agonised over it for MONTHS! Quite possibly from when I started maternity leave to when I finally took the plunge and resigned lol. But as soon as I quit my job I felt at peace with my decision, I knew it was the right thing for us.

[Amber4]

Thanks to all of you for your posts... all of them spoke straight to my heart and gave me exactly what I needed to make my choice. I have to learn how to stop worrying so much about everyone else and feeling so responsible for meeting everyone's needs. And I guess I can learn to be super thrifty!!! You're all very wise women ... I'm printing this page off somehow so I can go back and re-read it in moments where I find my strength slipping and start to agonize over the old stuff. Thanks again.

[onthefly]

Ah, I got here to late with my wise advice
Glad it's all sorted - sounds like it's the right decision for you.
I worked full time from when DS was 8 weeks old till I lost my contract at 11 months (but I work from home, so a bit different). It was out of necessity at first, but then DH got another job and I started to wonder. Now I only work ocasionally and it is sooooooo much better. It woudl be better still if I didn't work at all - mothering is full time, even if you have a paid job as well.

[Mak]

Amber - so glad you have made your decision! I just wanted to add that it is ok to reevaluate and then make changes! So you make the decisions on what is right for you and your family now and then adapt as these needs change. You just have to remember it was right at the time. I sometimes find it hard as I get sucked into what others think - which often has more to do with them and not me!
Being a mum is full on regardless! xxx

[Amber4]

Thanks Marcellus (not at all too late ) and Mak.. mothering IS full time (and I love that) and you're so right.... I have to remember that "the decision was right at the time". I'm going to repeat that all day to myself!

[Mak]

If only I could take my own advice, lol! Trying vey hard here to eliminate the 'coulda, shoulda and woulda's' from the though processes!!!! xx