Is my family blind?

[Kaydee]

I really hope this isn't all over the place, but here it goes.

I live in Europe and all of my family are in Australia. I have lived here for quite a number of years and I feel like my family are letting me dissapear.

I travel home as much as possible, I've been home 3 times in 6 years for a few months at a time and I make all effort to keep in contact. However, in the past 3 years I have noticed that not once has any family member phoned me. I try to call home at least once every 8 weeks, 3 different households. I stopped emailing when I realised I wasn't getting any reply (from a list of about 8 different people). I just felt like my words were being wasted.

When I do visit home I feel as though I'm just in the way. Even with DS I had an argument with my mother after she cancelled babysitting for a wedding (with 4 days to go) because "it wasn't a good time" and then told me she didn't have any other plans. This would have been the last time she got to spend time with DS before we were due to fly out again. I was so upset.

The main reason I'm upset at the lack of contact from them is because whenever someone is sick, dying, divorcing, moving etc.. I NEVER hear about it because my family members think someone else has already told me. That I'll hear it through the "grape vine". What grape vine? I have no connection to the grape vine.

Now, pregnant with number two I have a terrible fear of sharing anything with my family because I'm afraid of the lack of response. That they will continue to not contact me and ask how I am, how the baby is doing.

It breaks my heart. I am a really nice person with a wonderful little family here, so I can't see any reason for them not to care. Maybe my family have no idea how I feel, but I just can't get my head around that they can be blind towards this? They must KNOW they never call or email. They have to know! They may blame it on the price of a phone call but I have many times told them of the cheap phone cards and SURELY one hour phone call every six months won't break the bank. Email is free. No excuse.

There is so much that happened in the past 6 years that has happened my DH is surprised I haven't broken contact with them yet.
Just ONE thing that has happened recently that is pretty major. Both my mother and my step-father recently re-married. BOTH had their weddings just a FEW WEEKS before I was due to fly over there. I had this trip planned for one year. My step-father didn't even know his bride when my flights were booked. Neither thought to put off their wedding a couple of weeks so we could attend. Not even an apology. Both had no real excuse as to why they couldn't have it in the 3 month time frame I was there. Well, okay my mother mentioned "but we couldn't have it later because *** (the groom)'s friend was going overseas"!!

I don't deserve this.

[Nai]

Firstly Kaydee, congratulations on your pregnancy! How exciting and wonderful that Ben is going to be a big brother! I hope everything is going well.

It must be really hurtful for you to have this happening and it sounds like your family are very wrapped up in their worlds and don't consider the impact of what they are doing. Have they ever visited you or lived overseas themselves? If not they may not have any understanding of the distance you feel. Also have you suggested Skype to them (which is free) so that they can see you and Ben while talking - this can sometimes make the connection more real. Is it possible that they have no idea of the way you are feeling and maybe sit down with them as a group and let them know that you do feel isolated and that while you do your best that it make a big difference to you if they reciprocated. Maybe they feel that you have deserted them by leaving and feel that this is why it is your responsibility to make all the contact Alternately, if they are anything like my Dad, they might be this way anyway and contact you just as infrequently if you live in the same town - some people are just like that.

I hope you can sort it out as it does sound like it is upsetting you a lot.

[Junglemum]

Big to you. I live overseas too and I know how you feel, although my family do call occasionally I still feel totally out of the loop. They are busy with their own dramas and don't want to bother me apparently!
Now I'm in Aus with two toddlers on my own, I'm preg and have shocking ms, and they are all too busy with their own lives to even offer to help. I've been here a month and not left the girls, I want to go out tonight and do you think I could get one family member to look after the girls?! I finally convinced dad that it's not that hard and my friend is coming to help him.
I guess they are used to life without us, it certainly does make you feel like you're in the way.

Sorry I don't have words of wisdom, just sympathy.

[Fleur]

Can't post now but will BBL. Hugs to you

[Kaydee]

Maybe they feel that you have deserted them by leaving and feel that this is why it is your responsibility to make all the contact

This is actually how I try to justify them not calling.
Thanks for the congrats Nai, Ben is pretty excited!

Ugh, I'm just so emotional today. Must be the hormones!

[Kaydee]

They are busy with their own dramas and don't want to bother me apparently!
Now I'm in Aus with two toddlers on my own, I'm preg and have shocking ms, and they are all too busy with their own lives to even offer to help. I've been here a month and not left the girls, I want to go out tonight and do you think I could get one family member to look after the girls?! I finally convinced dad that it's not that hard and my friend is coming to help him.
I guess they are used to life without us, it certainly does make you feel like you're in the way.

I know exactly how you feel. When I travelled home last time I had a bit of an emotional break down because I was all alone with DS and felt so left out and isolated because none of my family offered to help, and when I asked they said no (straight out). I broke down about 2 or 3 times to different family members, not one offered to take DS for a little while to give me a break (which would have been the thing I needed the most). They just said "it's okay, you'll be back home soon".

[Kaydee]

Have they ever visited you or lived overseas themselves? If not they may not have any understanding of the distance you feel.

My father visited me for a weekend (he was in the UK), my mother for a couple of weeks years ago. My step-father was in the UK for 2 months but didn't come over to visit (after telling me over and over he will try he ended up saying he couldn't get a flight - which I knew was a lie, I don't know the real reason). Honestly, I think they think my life is so much more exciting than it really is. The rare phone calls are another story - I avoid talking about my life and sit and listen to them go on and on about movies, fishing and scrapbooking. I just feel like they don't want to listen about my life because they always change the subject when I talk.

like I said, very emotional today!

[sloane]

congrats on your PG

it's really tough living overseas. when i did, i found people didn't bother to contact me because they thought i was too busy & that their lives were too boring. one year (other than my parents), i didn't get one birthday message/call/card. well, i did get one but it was late. no one thought i'd care & they all thought someone else would have done it.

i'm sorry your family are being like this, i wish i could offer a reason or some wisdom but all i have is

[Fleur]

They might not realise how their actions are affecting you? Slightly different situation but my sister once blew her stack at dad & told him how she felt, he had no idea he was making her feel the way she was & has made more of an effort since. I have family interstate, I sometimes feel out of sight & out of mind.
I wish I had more to offer than that hugs to you

[Starfish]

I have the opposite problem to you. I live overseas, but my parents skype most days and tell me what to do and how to live my life every single day. And then when I visited once my mother refused to change DD's nappy because "grandparents are for playing, parents are for doing the everyday things"... (WTF??) So even though I get contact I don't get much support, so I know how you feel in that sense.

Are your family the way you describe just with you or with each other too? E.g. do they ask your brothers/sisters, etc about their lives or do they just talk about themselves when talking to them too?? Some people are unfortunately quite self centred (often without meaning to or realising it), so unless you hit them over the head with a large metaphorical brick, they may not even know how they're making you feel...

Sorry, not much help, am I? I hope you feel better soon. Congratulations on you pg.

[turtleschell]

There is no excuse for their behaviour. My brother moved interstate and my whole family keep very strong tabs on him, and when he comes home for holidays we all put aside all our plans to spend each day with him.
I know it's only interstate, not overseas, but it isn't hard to keep in touch.
And that whole wedding thing is unbelievable.

Both had no real excuse as to why they couldn't have it in the 3 month time frame I was there. Well, okay my mother mentioned "but we couldn't have it later because *** (the groom)'s friend was going overseas"!!

INFURIATING!!!
I know too well the feeling of being let down by your family.

I do think they probably have no idea how you feel though. They are just so consumed with their lives, they don't stop
and think of you. The best way to deal with this kind of situation is to tell them how you feel, and if nothing changes, just learn to expect less from them.

[LionsandBears]

This is really very sad. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I can understand siblings not making contact, as mine are like that, but not your parents.

One thing I've noticed is some people are so wrapped up in themselves and there are some people who hardly ever travel, so they don't understand those who do. It's like when people are out of sight, they're out of mind. I know my DH (who's from UK) was pretty upset when he went back to visit once, organised a get together with his mates and some of them made other last minute plans. It was like they resented him for moving away when they were living in the same street they'd grown up with or something.

When I was living interstate, I used to get upset because no-one would come and visit. I had to do all the visiting back home. I think I mentioned it to Mum once and she was really surprised. She hadn't thought about it. Now my brother lives interstate and she's visited him more, because he has difficulty getting back home.

Was you family ever close or is this an extension of emotional distance they've always had? Have you ever mentioned anything about how you feel?

[misty]

From the other side of the coin - I am part of the family in Australia who fails to keep in contact with her siblings when they leave the country. So I thought maybe I could shed a little light on this perspective: not to absolve them of responsibility, but to help you understand.

I only talk to my big sister (who lives in London with her DH) when she contacts me. It really isn't anything personal, I love when she does contact me (although it always seems to be a bad time with screaming kids etc). The problem is, I HAVE my support network here, I HAVE other family still here - I might not have her, but I am not missing out. I love my sister, and when she is here we do stuff together, chat regularly, etc. But when she is overseas, I have a very busy life and time flies by without me even noticing. Luckily, my sister understands this about me and doesn't take it personally (and nor did my brother when he was living abroad). We mostly stay in touch through my parents: they update each of us on how the other is going.

Having said that, if she were to write me an email, I would definitely take the time to respond - although I don't think I have ever instigated the email exchange. But phonecalls are strictly onesided.

It is lazy of me (I am too busy, it is too much effort, I don't feel like talking, etc, etc), but it is easy to be lazy in a relationship when it is not you that is suffering. I always have the knowledge (rightly or wrongly) that we will just catch up when they come back home.

[Kaydee]

Thank you so much for everyone's replies! Reading back on everything I feel a bit bad. I love my family and I know they love me, I'm sure they don't mean anything bad. It's just how they are I suppose. Or maybe they just don't know how to include me anymore, I'm so far away. I think talking to them will only cause problems and that I need to learn to accept that that's just how it is.

DH has a wonderful family who treat me like their own daughter (sometimes caring too much), so I'm very blessed to have them in my life and it kind of makes up for the lack or contact from the other side.

[Cassius2]

we get this with DHs family. they are too wrapped up in their own world to really be engaged in our ITMS. for the most part DH is ok with it, but yeah, when there is important stuff going on (divorce, baby, illness etc) i know that he feels the distance (literally and figuratively!). and then when we do go there to visit, there is no real 'welcome', just an expectation that we will fit into their pattern come hell or high water. it used to be ok before we had kids, but now it is harder as we want them to celebrate their grandkids etc, but it just doesnt happen. they have zero interest in spending quality time one on one.

and i can say with perfect clarity that it is a punishment of sorts lol. they are always desperately wanting us to move back to italy, but there is no way that we will, wild horses couldnt drag us back lol.

[BeautifulMadness]

I know exactly how you feel. When I travelled home last time I had a bit of an emotional break down because I was all alone with DS and felt so left out and isolated because none of my family offered to help, and when I asked they said no (straight out). I broke down about 2 or 3 times to different family members, not one offered to take DS for a little while to give me a break (which would have been the thing I needed the most). They just said "it's okay, you'll be back home soon".

Isnt you're home with them aswell? what a silly thing to say,you'll be home....you are home with them grrr.

[Kaydee]

So, my mother has hit the all-time low.
She didn't contact DS for his birthday. He turned 5 on Friday and it's now Tuesday and I haven't heard anything from her.
I called her about a month ago, but she ended the conversation after 20 minutes just telling me she has to go start making dinner (it was 9pm there). We hadn't spoken in over 2 months since before Christmas, she told me she wasn't going to "do Christmas" this year, so we didn't hear from her over Christmas either - not even a simple card in the mail.

[Sunny Love]

If this were me kaydee, and its not, I would cease all contact. If your mother isn't supportive, caring or interested then leave it until she is. Then, when contact is re-established, and this might be days, months or years (I hope not for the latter two) it might be more meaningful. I come at this, from an un-educated perspective, in that my entire family is the COMPLETE opposite. I will delete my post if its unhelpful, just let me know. Remember, its her loss to miss out on your beautiful children, not your own. You miss having a mum that simply cares.