Is this ungrateful of me? Feel free to say yes!!

[sasha]

Mostly, this is a long rant. So with that caveat:

My brother rang recently to ask me if I wanted some clothes as his girlfriend had gone through her [much older] children's clothes and was going to give them to the Good Sammy's if I didn't want them. Actually, he had already told her that I would want them and I suppose was just letting me know that she was sending them. And I said, 'well, can you wait a bit, because I'm meeting a friend next week who pretty much keeps us in clothes' (her children are the perfect little bit older than ours, so when they're just growing out of their clothes, ours are just growing into them). And if I still needed any after that, I'd let him know.

He said, 'oh well, I'll just put them in the car and you can go through them and decide what you don't want.' And I replied that it would be good not to have to do that, because we have a lot of clothes here already and we've just been given some from another friend that I still haven't dropped off to the charity bin (they were all three or four sizes too big, and we just don't have the space to keep clothes around for that long until they'll fit).

So he rings this morning and tells me he's about to leave his girlfriend's place, and that he's putting the clothes in the boot and 'they'll be too big for S yet, but he'll probably grow into them.' And I repeated what I'd said about my friend and her clothes, and said that if the ones he's bringing are any bigger than a size 4, thanks but no thanks... so he sounds all offended and says 'well, you could just take them to the Good Sammy's if you don't want them,' and by that stage T had just pooed on the potty and S had just pooed on the toilet and I had two pooey bottoms to check and I just said, 'Oh, alright, fine, thanks, no worries, and thanks for the shoes, they're always good to have,' and said I'd talk to him soon.

When REALLY what I wanted to say was, "Why are you not listening to me?!! I have a little house with barely enough space for the people and pets in it! I already have to go through baby clothes and work out what the next one is going to wear, I don't really feel like taking other people's clothes to the charity bin!!"

And I didn't say that, although he probably kind of got that impression, because I feel like I'm being ungrateful... for all I know his girlfriend is really just trying to do the right thing by us, and she may even be using it as a way to kind of make contact since we've never met. I don't want to seem unappreciative but we get so much stuff given to us that we can't use. Yes, we're 'poor' compared to many others, but does that mean we have to take other people's clothes even when they're too worn out or too big for my children?

I can't think of a pleasant way to say 'no' when people give us stuff without us asking, and I hate the fact that people assume we must want everything they don't because we don't have as much money as they do.

[mrsmac]

I think your brother is trying to help out as is his GF. What's the harm in going through them and keeping stuff for later ? then taking the stuff you don't need to a charity bin.

[Babyluv]

Hi
If you find a nice way of saying no pls can you let me know.
Our bub isn't even here yet & we've made so many trips to the salvos to pass on stuff we've been given because I find it hard and uncomfortable to say no.
I don't think it's ungrateful at all, if the stuff isn't suitable ppl need to understand.
It's a tricky situation, wish I could handle it better rather than end up with a garage full of things we don't want! We could just about have a garage sale for baby furniture only with what we were given.
It's a hassle too because then you have to get rid of it.

[briggsy's girl]

sounds like they're trying to do the right thing and reach out but going about it the wrong way
the friend that keeps your kids in clothes - does she need bigger stuff for her kids to grow into sooner? so can the clothes be passed to her and then back to you later? my SIL and her cousins have an order that the girls clothes pass through the family. goes from SIL to cousin 1 to cousin 2 back to SIL then back to cousin 1. unfortunately even the stuff SIL has "earmarked" for DD never gets to her or if it does, it's been worn so much it's only good for around the house BUT, at least it's been well used!

i understand feeling like a bit of a dumping ground though. as soon as DH lost his job, everyone seen us as a charity case and started dumping stuff on us. i looked today and have clothes up to size 7 - DD is hovering between a 0 and a 2 depending on what it is (i don't mind tops being a bit big, but anything bigger than an 0 in shorts and she loses them - could probably even get into a 00 in some styles lol). thankfully it's only a few things and i was able to pack everything size 3 and above into an average sized duffle bag to stow.

i would accept the stuff, say thanks, and then make another call to say thanks for the clothes, but nothing was suitable for us to use in the next 12 months and we jsut don't have enough room so i've had ot pass it all on. i think maybe there is too much age gap between your kids and ours so maybe it's best not to pass us stuff in the future as we simply can't use them

at least that way you've accepted the gesture, you've not offended them at the outset, you've tried, given them feedback, and if they try to make you a dumping ground again, you can simply say NO, and stand your ground.

[emc2]

Would your brother give you a lift to the charity bin later on? Otherwise say no.

[sasha]

Yeah, really it's just assuming we need it rather than just asking first (and giving me the opportunity to say no, politely). My brother doesn't live with them, and doesn't have kids of his own - it's just him in a big house, so it just doesn't occur to him that having bags and bags of clothes that we don't have the space for isn't really helping... and I can, and will sort through them to see if there's anything we can use, it's just this happens with another friend and it... well, it feels as if people can't be bothered taking stuff to the charity bin themselves, and think, oh, you know, why don't we give it to Bec!

I will ring him and say thanks when we've picked them up (he's dropping them off with my sister), and let him know that we have enough already, thank you. The friend we get our hand-me-downs from gets hers from some other friends, so she's set as well, but it's a good idea.

[Cherished]

Hi sasha, I know you said feel free to say yes so I kinda think that 'yes' it does sound a little ungreatful? I can only think of it from my view and that is that I'm happy for any hand me downs no matter what the size is. In fact I'd prefer not to have to buy any clothes for bub for years to come LOL he already grows so fast that if I purchased an outfit that I really loved he'd probably only get to wear it once so yeah any hand me downs in any condition are fine with me. If they are looking a bit worn than they can go in the around the house pile. And honestly what's a trip to the salvos bin if you don't want some of the clothes? There might be some really nice stuff that you turn away

[Maruschke]

I agree that she sounds like she is trying to reach out, perhaps in not the most thoughtful way. By the way, have you spoken to her directly? Going through your brother might mean the message didn't get fully to her, that the clothes were too big. Sometimes men just miss the details .

TBH I would take the clothes and either find a place for them, or donate them. I would accept them to send the message that I appreciate her thought and wanted to develop that relationship. Perhaps later on you will get a chance to subtly mention your lack of space and that clothes just 1 or 2 sizes bigger are all you need.

HTH

[sloane]

i don't really think it's ungrateful of you - you're not obligated to take 2nd hand clothes, and it sounds like you've tried to make the point very politely. sometimes it's easy to forget that we are entitled to say no!

i agree with maruscke that maybe things have got a little confused along the way - your bro's GF probably thought it was a friendly gesture to his family (which it is & i can see you appreciate that side of it), your bro prob thought that he's keeping the peace with his GF by passing on the clothes & he prob doesn't realise that storing clothes can take a lot of room!

maybe when you get them & have checked through them, you could ring her to say thanks? you can always tell her then they're too big or whatever but you really appreciate the gesture?

[Trillian]

I don't think it is ungrateful, because it is a pain to be given stuff all the time if you don't need it. This time, just have a quick look through and see if there is anything that could be useful to you then pass the rest on. If it comes up again just say thanks, but we're fine for the time being and leave it at that. If you think his girlfriend is reaching out to you, try to find another way to nurture that.

[Persephone1]

I'm completely sympathetic. I have a SIL who's twins are two years older than my DS, and they were all born in the same month so the twins' clothes fit my DS on a two-year delay, itms? Anyway, my SIL has very generously given us lots of clothes and stuff in preparation for my DS's birth, but when we've tried to put a hault on it, or only wanted "some" of the stuff, not all of it, she's been very insistent. My DH eventually had to tell her to back-off because she kept sending us stuff that we hadn't asked for and then it would sit around our house until we gave it to charity. The only good thing now is that her DDs only wear pink frilly things, so she won't be able to keep handing it on to us

It's very hard to be assertive, and firm but appreciative of the offer. I think some people don't hear the "no" unless you are really clear about it, which might upset them initially but hopefully leads to changes in the future. i hope you and your brother can come to that understanding. Perhaps you could contact his girlfriend and thank her for the kind offers but firmly advise her that you don't need it? Good luck!

[misty]

I think you approached it in the wrong way. Your Bro asked if you wanted them, instead of being picky and saying that "you might want some but not others, but that you didn't want to go through them yourself, and that you wanted them to hold them for you": you should have said either "yes, thank you" or "No, thank you". Simple as that.

He was offering you an oppertunity to have them if you wanted them before they got rid of them. My sister does this with her sons clothes to me: I can guarantee you that I am 100% better off financially then she is: it isn't about charity so much as seeing an oppertunity to give to others. That opertunity should be accepted or declined: fullstop. It shouldn't be met with a whole lot of stipulations by the person who is being offered something. I can only imagine that your Bro did feel like you were being ungreatful and no doubt was starting to wonder why he bothered - I would.

[Maruschke]

Just a random thought, do you have the space to accept all the clothes and sell the stuff you don't want or can't fit, like on ebay?

[sasha]

Just to clarify - these children are in late primary school, and S starts kindy next year. We're talking clothes that will fit him in about 5 years. And I told him twice the other night that we'd really rather not have them since we're already getting others. The 'size 4s or nothing' this morning was a last ditch attempt to try and get it through to him that we're really fine, thanks! My guess is - knowing my brother - he'd already volunteered us for them before he even asked us, and didn't want to tell his girlfriend that I now didn't want them (even though he hadn't given me a chance to say if I did or not!)

It's been good to have some other input, I know I'm particularly sensitive about being treated as a charity case, since some of the clothes we've had are worn through on the patches. I don't mind patched clothes in the least, but these are clothes I can't even give to charity because they're too worn, you know? And that makes me wonder if they really think we're so badly off that we have to wear dusters, kwim? I'm sure it's me being over-sensitive about it - which is why I do feel kind of ungrateful, and it gnaws at me a little, while at the same time I feel indignant, because there are so many areas where we are not able to make choices we might want to due to finances, and this is one area - whether or not we want to receive something or not - where I would like to be able to say 'no' and feel heard. That's my issue to deal with, and it's been good to hear the other side... I think because I feel strongly about it, I see a motive behind it that's probably not even there.

As I said, I'm yet to meet his gf and probably won't for several months (we live in different parts of the state) so I'll get in contact with her to thank her and take it from there.

Thanks all

[sasha]

Just a random thought, do you have the space to accept all the clothes and sell the stuff you don't want or can't fit, like on ebay?

We don't really have the space to accept everything - I will put it in the loungeroom, go through it and that which we don't need will go straight in the car... I know I could sell it on ebay but I feel a bit guilty profiting financially on something we got for free, you know?! I know I shouldn't - the people who give them to us would never know, and man, we could certainly put the extra cash to good use, but... I don't know. Might have to learn to jump over that particular hurdle as well!!

[shellbell3]

I don't think your ungrateful, I know ppl like to help but I find at the same time ppl want stuff outta there own houses so easy to pass on even if the receiving person doesn't want it. Friend of DFs even admitted that!
I give things away but don't push things I ask ppl if they need/ want and don't want I hope they feel they can be honest and say no thanks, i think sometimes you feel bad to say no, as I have at times.