I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks eighteen months ago. Getting pregnant was a complete shock. Me and my fiance hadn't planned to have children for at least a couple of years. After some very deep thinking, even going to see a pregnancy counsellor, we came to the joint conclusion that the pregnancy was great news and we both wanted to have the baby.
During the process we'd analysed every bit of our lives and how they would change with a baby. We weighed up everything and both felt our baby would bring us so much more happiness than we'd ever felt. It was life changing. Great. I discussed it with two close friends, who both seemed to really think it was great but who stifled this and tried to be understandingly objective whilst we 'came to our decision,' In hindsight, knowing how we felt there was never any doubt we'd do anything but go ahead and have our baby. Underneath my scaredness I felt ecstatic. I couldn't believe I was having a baby and literally, my history of depression, my uncertainty about what to do in life all seemed to be justified by the fact I was going to love this baby and it would be central to my life. He or she would depend on me and I was so happy to give myself to this.
Anyway, it didn't turn out to be the case. I feel guilt even writing this but then know from all the things I've read that it's silly and also not right to feel this. This isn't the worst. I am surrounded by people who are pregnant, having their second, third children. I have to put on a brave face everytime. I feel so totally selfish, self-absorbed, morbid, that I am not genuinely happy for all these people. My baby would have been coming up to his/her (in fact I am convinced she was a girl and even have a name for her in my head) first birthday.
Things like facebook make it so much harder to deal with because as we all probably know, every day you log in and someone has updated their status with some commentary on how their day is going as a mother; 'Johnny has a cough, I haven't slept', 'We've finally had a full nights' sleep', 'how funny that Toby thinks the sky is made of treacle' etc etc... all the adoring parent commentaries frankly make me so angry. I know they shouldn't, and hence I feel like I have horns growing out of my head, but I do.
The worst is that my best friend is currently going through a wonderful pregnancy and I can barely speak to her. I am so disappointed in myself but everytime I think about it I have that horrible dark feeling and she's too clever not to notice when I am lying!
I don't know why I have gone on for so long. I am hoping I will identify with someone else and help someone like me feel less alone. However, I'd also really appreciate any advice anyone can give on how to get through it. Even though my relationship is mainly amazing, this is still the one thing that can cause rows as we just don't deal with it in the same way - at all!
Anyway, I am constantly admiring of women who have been through so much worse, later miscarriages and even loss of child. You are amazing.
Secondly, I can totally relate to your feelings. I have had 2 early m'c's and 1 late loss, and have also gone on to have 3 kids. But I could not stand to even look at a pregnant woman, after my losses. I'd think "how come you get to keep you baby and I didn't?" It was really difficult. You aren't alone with the jealousy thing there. Sometimes I still feel ripped off when people sail through their pregnancies without ever having a m/c....because I went through so much and they have no idea, iykwim. I also felt so evil for not being happy for people, but thats just the way I felt and nothing could change that.
My only advice is : do whatever you need to do get throught his time. For me, that meant totally avoiding certain people, my in-laws, and whern I did get pregnent again, I actually ignored it in a certain way, didn't talk about it or tell anyone, that was just how i dealt with it. I wrote in a journal, had a ceremony. You gotta do what you gotta do is my opinion!!
You are not alone.. I too am quite angry at how bitter I can be sometimes, but it is hard to squash those feelings of envy.. Sorry for the loss of your little one. 2yrs on Friday since I lost my babies and each day is different to the next.. Some days I can handle pregnant women and babies some days I can't.. I'm selfish though and just let myself go with the flow.. I sometimes put on a face, and sometimes I will tell people straight "I am glad you are happy, but I can't deal with this now" Other times I just wont speak to people! You just have to do what gets you through the day..
I know what you mean about that dark feeling you get being around good friends who are pregnant. My two best friends are both pregnant with their third, Neither has ever had any losses. It feels very unfair that some people have it 'easy' and others don't. And I also struggle with feeling happy for them at times and feel terrible that I feel that way. I do my best not to let them see. I'm still working on how to deal with it. I try and take it from a practical point of view: It's not their fault that i've had a harder run than them and it's hard for them to keep being friends with me if I make them feel guilty about their 'easy' pregnancies when they've done nothing wrong and would in fact be thrilled if i was pregnant too. I don't want to lose their friendships so i try really hard to focus on that. It helps a bit. Posting here helps too. I wish you luck in finding something that eases the pain for you. It's an ongoing journey I think.
I think alot of us with angel babies can understand what you are saying. I remember almost being physically sick just walking past a pregnant woman. I also remember not being able to buy dishwashing liquid or garbage bags from the shops because they were in the same aisle as the baby stuff and I just wanted to die everytime I walked down that aisle. Even just thinking about it now makes me upset.
The thing is- (and I wish I remembered which BB member said this- it was a great post) but you will find 'a place of acceptance'..not so much as a 'move on place', but a place where you can continue on IYGWIM. Right now you need to be gentle and understanding of yourself and your feelings. What you are feeling is loss- and its hard hun
My DH and I bought a plant and a statue for our garden for our angel baby and I have found it therapeutic to have a physical place to go to- sometimes it brings me comfort- sometimes it makes me cry, either way- it has helped. Maybe try something similar? A piece of jewellery, a plant? start a journal?
I'm not going to say time heals all wounds, or theres light at the end of the tunnel or any cliche like that (it never made me feel any better). What I say is that it is totally ok to say that this experience was the most awfullest experience of your life- you don't need to put a positive spin on it- and its ok to admit that sometimes- pregnant women, friends with babies etc make you feel sick to the stomache. Your not a bad person- your a human..
Hey, I'm pregnant right now and I still have these thoughts! Yesterday I was surrounded by blissful pregnant women, and all I could think was "600ish stillbirths a year... And you're all ignorant of that, you idiots. Wake up!"
Trying to move on
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