My story

[ck08]

Very long post ahead, don't feel obligated to read it, but I am hoping that writing it all out may be therapeutic for me.

I had what was supposed to be the perfect pregnancy. Baby was conceived while we were on a beautiful cruise in the Caribbean, we were as happy and relaxed as we had ever been, and starting our family that way seemed so perfect. We had timed it just right because baby was due in May, and since I am a teacher that meant I could take my leave the last month of school and have all summer at home as well. Everything happened the just way we had hoped.

At 8 weeks we went for our first ultrasound. We saw the baby and heard a nice strong heartbeat. I sent the picture to my whole family and carried it around at work. When we went in for our 12 week appointment, the doctor couldn't hear the heartbeat on the Doppler, but he said that wasn't uncommon and decided to do an ultrasound so we wouldn't worry. No heartbeat there either. He said it was probably just that his equipment was better suited for later in a pregnancy, so he sent us to another part of the hospital for another ultrasound later that day. I took the day off work, so to kill time before our next appointment, hubby and I went looking at strollers, oblivious that something could actually be wrong. When we got back to the hospital to have the second ultrasound, the technician would not say what she saw, but we did not see a heartbeat there either and knew that was a bad sign.

We got the call from the doctor an hour later, and he said that based on its size the baby had died at around 8 weeks. That makes no sense to me because we went in at 8 weeks and everything seemed fine. I still felt pregnant, and how could I have been carrying around a dead fetus for a month? It was such a shock. We scheduled a D&C for a few days later because we decided it would be better than prolonging the process.

I went to work the next day, and because I had called in the day before, the ladies in the office all knew what had happened. I was hoping that going to work would take my mind off of it, but as soon as I got there one of them hugged me, and I lost it. My boss took me into her office and told me I needed to be at home and she would make sure my work was covered. It's a good thing she did because I started bleeding later that day, so much, in fact, that we went to the emergency room. They gave me methergine to contract my uterus, and vicodin for the pain, which made me vomit, and sent me home still bleeding.

After bleeding through pads and several pairs of pants all through the night, a nurse called me for a pre-surgery interview since my D&C was scheduled for the following day. When I told her about the bleeding, she said I should come in immediately. I got off the phone and as we were just getting ready to leave, I passed out from the blood loss. My hubby called an ambulance and we were back in emergency again. It turns out I had lost so much blood I risked needing a transfusion if I did not have the D&C right away. It's scary to think that I was in so much danger but didn't realize it.

I can safely say this was the worst experience of my life. To lose the baby and to bleed half to death is something I will never forget, and yet I will risk repeating it for the chance of having a normal pregnancy. I am just so sad that it will never be the happy news and the perfect story that it was the first time around.

[~TT40~]

*big hugs* ck. i'm sorry to hear about your loss and what you had to go through. *hugs*

[Loula]

so sorry to read of your loss

[human bean]

ck08 I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious baby, sadly there are many of us here who are familiar with the pain you're going through I hope the BB community can be of some comfort to you during such a difficult time

[Amaunet]

I'm so very sorry for your loss ck

[possum magic]

So very sorry for the loss of your baby. I know what you mean about the shock of not only losing the baby but the sense that it was all just perfect timing and meant to be and how could it go wrong? I had that with my first loss: I fell pregnant exactly when i wanted to and couldn't believe it when it didn't work out. I hope you have another joyful BFP soon.