Friends kids behaviour. Is this what Im getting myself into???? HELP

[lissy]

Ok so I had a mild panic attack yesterday thinking about having my own kiddies.............

I was looking after my friends kids while she had an appointent. I see them fairly regularly. And the kids go completely silly when they come to my place. They get into things, they stand on the couch, they start off playing then end up fighting, they egg eachother on. etc. etc. One is 9 the other is 4.

The biggest thing Ive noticed is that the 4yr old HAS to have whatever the 9yr old has. Their mum HAS to buy them the exact same number of pressies for Xmas or else hell breaks loose. If the 9yr old has something & the 4yr old wants it bad enough to have a tanty, their mum guilts the 9yr old into giving it up to fix the problem. I gave the 9yr old a late B'day pressie yesterday & HOLY CRAP did the 4yr old crack up coz they wanted a present too!! Tried throwing themself on the ground and so on They were practically pulling the bag outta my hand when I handed it to their mum!

So I had a mild panic attack thinking....... Is this what Im getting myself into????? Coz I absolutely want more than 1 child (I was an only child & was really lonely).

Is this normal?? Just a stage these kids are goin through? Or behaviour their parents have created??

PLLEEEEAAASSSEEE tell me this isnt the norm

[Arimeh]

Bahahaha.. sorry sounds like normal 4 year old behaviour to me (and 3, and 2, and 1... ROFL)

But its not like that all time time

[~Trish~]

Ummm, yep, it can be normal at times! It's also lots of fun at other times so it kind of evens itself out LOL!

It's different when it's your own kids, don't worry

[Tinks]

My friends kids are like that too. Whenever we go shopping she spends ages finding something to buy each of the kids because she can't go home empty handed or with something for 1 and not the others. Her kids always want whatever my kids have, she used to copy whatever I was buying my kids for Christmas. We used to always go Christmas shopping together, now I don't and I don't tell her what I'm getting my kids either.

I don't know whether that behaviour is the 'norm' or not but my kids don't act like that. If they did I wouldn't give in to them anyway.

[Lulu]

My kids may be nutbags but I wouldn't allow that behaviour eeeeks!

[~Trish~]

I don't know whether that behaviour is the 'norm' or not but my kids don't act like that. If they did I wouldn't give in to them anyway.

Absolutely! I think it's important to teach kids that life isn't all about them. Whenever it's one of the kid's birthdays my MIL buys the other two something too so they don't "feel left out" . I want to teach my kids to appreciate when it's someone else's big day and to just be happy for them. I'm not looking forward to Christmas day when MIL buys both my boys the exact same presents (there is a 3 year age gap, they have different interests!) so they "don't fight over them". My boys DON'T fight over each other's presents!!!

[Arimeh]

I don't know whether that behaviour is the 'norm' or not but my kids don't act like that. If they did I wouldn't give in to them anyway.

Definitely the norm here, but I don't get them a present or whatever if its the other one's birthday - but it doesn't stop them having a tanty over it.. LOL

[*Belle*]

um yes my 2yr old want everthing my yr old has. i usually try to get 2 of thing so the can play together

[Trillian]

It's completely different when you have your own kids though because you have them from day dot and can instill the types of values and behaviour in them that you think is acceptable. My kids will do the 'I want what they have' thing too, but you nip it in the bud and tell them no, they can't have it just because their brother/sister has it. It sounds like the 4yo is pretty high maintenance, so Mum has just gotten into the habit of indulging the 4yo to keep the peace instead of trying to teach them that they don't need the same amount of presents and don't need to get a present just because it's the other child's birthday etc. I promise it wont be like that with your own kids at all.

[helle]

Do you remember acting that way?

Its funny that its considered normal now because I know when I was that age I would have been told off quick smart for acting up that way. Infact I don't think my brother and I ever did act like that. We would have been too scared too!

[Taurean]

Agree with the others - your own kids are different.

I remember when I was pregnant with DD spending time with my friends kids (different families, various ages) and thinking 'OMG. What have I signed up for?!'. But your own is so different and you're not suddenly handed a hypo 4 year old or teething toddler, you grow together and the things that freaked you out before you had kids suddenly become the norm (not necessarily THAT 4 year old's behaviour though!) - ITMS?

Trillian made a good point - you teach your kids the behaviour you expect from them. They may test you at times but you will have control of the situation (some of the time, lol)

[*Belle*]

i agree we try and nip it in the bud too, and also say whoever had it first has a go first when they are finished it can be your turn. Its very iimportant for them to learn to share.

[BeautifulMadness]

If my 4 yr old did that oh man he'd be in trouble...that is not accpetable by or my husband. you dont throw a tanty cause you didnt get what you wanted.

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

I think it's a little bit of both - most children around that age want what someone else has BUT it's up to the parents to explain no it's your brothers present etc etc.
I have 2 girls, 15mths apart 2 & 11mths and i have already started teaching DD1 that because something is HERS does not mean she doesn't have to share it and not EVERY present that comes into this house is for her to open.
If i buy something for DD1 i don't automatically buy something for DD2.

It is totally different when it's your own children though, behavior you note and worry about in others children often doesn't tend to phase you as much in your own.

[Visitor7]

Certainly not normal behaviour in my household! My 2yr old would love to have everything my 4yr old has, and vice versa, but they can't. And we've taught them that. If it's ones birthday, that doesn't mean all 3 girls are going to get a present. It means the birthday girl does. My MIL is the same as Trish's, and it drives me insane!
When you've got your own kids, you can teach them all about respect, using manners and sharing. It's very hard when you're looking after someone's else's kids.

[misty]

The behaviour / attitudes from the kids is normal. However, they are pushing the boundaries with you because they 'can'. If children CAN get away with something (like bad behaviour) they WILL. If you make it clear to them they cann't, then they learn quickly not to try it. When you aren't the parent, you only have limited contol over this though.

And if you think 2 is fun, you should give 3 a try! (Or 4, or 5, or 6...)

Kids test the boundaries when they first meet a person, and often the person doesn't even realise until it is too late that they have given too much leeway. My nephew thinks I am the 'strict' cranky aunty, because he never gets away with things when I am looking after him (he gets to follow the same rules as my kids), but he might test the boundaries occaisionally to see if I am still firm or not. He is generally very well behaved with me though. With everyone else he is a spoilt manipulative brat - because he knows if he applies enough pressure everyone else will end up cracking to his demands.

[lissy]

OH THANK GOD FOR THAT!!! Thanks for the reassurance ladies

My mind has been put at ease. I do realise that kids push the boundaries constantly & will get away with what they are let. The youngest one is told not to do something silly or dangerous, looks you straight in the eye & smiles...& does it anyway. OMG my hand itched soooo bad.

But I just worried perhaps I was over reacting, I tend to stress about basic things although Im heaps better than I was. I would've had my hide tanned if I did some of the things her kids do, but my mum was so particular about things I'm sure she spent most of her time and energy stressing over insignificant things, it wasnt fun. I know its early on yet but its definately something I dont want to do to my kids.

And my friend always seems so completley relaxed even with her kids creating absolute chaos, so I was thinking......ok maybe she has the right idea....... stress less. But I think the chaos would drive me crazy!!
Misty Im a bit like you-my house, my rules, so that didn't go down well when they were here.

[fionas]

I think up to a certain age (and I'm not sure whether that's 2, 3 or possibly 4) the kid's basic nature shows itself. Some kids are compliant and will do what they're told a lot of the time (I'm too tired to think how to express that differently), some kids don't. I've got the latter. There was no amount of firmness that would quash DD1's basic tendencies to do what she wanted when she wanted because she's curious, determined and very independent. A two-year-old can't really control their emotions so if you score one of those, it's tricky. Not that I would want to quash those aspects of her personality anyway, I think they will stand her in very good stead when she's older. But when you are faced with the umpteenth tantrum that day because you accidentally put sugar in your own cup of tea or flushed the toilet when she thinks it's her job to do it for you, then it's quite trying.

HOWEVER, there comes a time when they can control their emotions more and when parental influence starts kicking in. DD1 is now so much better than she was and will do as she's asked most of the time because she understands why.

And yep, I agree with the others that I would be knocking that behaviour re the presents on the head. I was shocked when friends bought DD1 presents when DD2 was born. I think it's OTT. You don't score presents when it's someone else's birthday just as you don't get a prize if you suck at something. That's real life.