Oh No! What have I done?!

[SiarasMummy]

Hello,
Took two pregnancy tests today and both are positive. I have very mixed feelings about this and need to vent a bit.
I have a gorgeous Daughter who is nearly 3 and my Husband and I were pretty sure we wouldn't have another child, and if we did we were going to wait until she is in school.
Before anyone jumps down my throat for not being happy, I KNOW what it is like to not be able to conceive, it took over 2 years to get pregnant with my daughter and that was only after going through fertility treatment. I should feel like I am lucky it happened the natural way this time but instead I am terrified.
I was making all these plans of what I am going to do over the next few years, I had applied and been accepted in to a Tafe diploma starting next year and we have just completed building our first home, so I was planning to go back to work after studying so I can contribute to the mortgage.
My Husband and I are 'safe' most of the time but we aren't always careful as I have PCOS and it was such a struggle to get pregnant the first time that we didn't really think we could fall pregnant 'by accident'.
I have just had a breast reduction so I am FINALLY happier with my body again after also losing some weight and now I have to prepare myself to lose my waist and to have to lose all the pregnancy weight again. God I am so stupid, I can't believe I thought this couldn't happen to me.
I am a person that stresses a lot and I am not the most patient person in the world...I just don't know how I will cope with two young children, especially when I had all these plans for myself already in the works...

[kawazuki]

hun
big breath..
all will work out some way.
it is just a massive shock right now.

talk to hubby and see his opinion then go and see your doc and talk it through with them
there are many support services there for people in similar situations.

massive hugs

[SiarasMummy]

Thank you. My Hubby knows about it and he is so great, always supporting me but I can tell he isn't thrilled. He has also just been accepted in to a masters degree at Uni starting in a few months...this just wasn't in the plans at all. I know it is our own fault but I am still a bit shellshocked. I don't think we could live with ourselves if we didn't go through with it but I also don't want to give up the life that I had planned for myself and my family. My daughter is very demanding and even though she is nearly 3 she still doesn't sleep through the night. Don't know how I could handle having to get up every night to two children, it will drive me crazy.....

[MrsFabuloso]

Big hugs! Maybe it's just the shock of it all that has you so worried about things. Have you thought about going to counselling about it, just to try to sort out your feeling and put an alternative plan in place. You might be surprised to realise though things will be different, they will be different in a good way!
I do believe that it's all about how you percieve things. Yes, babies are hard work, and two children is hard work, but you can still do other things besides being a mum! I have worked and/or studied while my children are very, as has my DH, and I stress alot too. My kids are terrible sleepers too, my DD is 3 3/4 and has just starting sleeping through int he last 6mths, DS at 2 1/2 still doesn't sleep through the night. It's tough, but if you want those things in life, having another bub shouldn't stop you. I tmight make the time frame a little longer, the journey will be different, but you can still get there!

[peanutter]

no advice, just hugs

[Early Kids]

I hope it all falls into place first.

Congratulations, for when you are ready to hear it

[sasha]

I started writing a reply to this, full of sage and excellent advice, of course, and then lost the post


So here's the gist:
I kwym about feeling you have to go through with it - we had a hiccup when T was only 7 months and for the few days before it 'took care of itself' I was thinking, 'how am I going to cope? I already have two under two...' and all the other thoughts of what-do-I-do-now? Somehow I realised that even though I'd always considered termination an option, it just wasn't for me (and by no means do I judge anyone who chooses that path AT ALL).

FWIW we had decided to stop trying the very month I conceived this baby. We had a change in our financial and employment situation which left us feeling vulnerable, then a health scare, and whaddya know, I'm pregnant. Heh. So that has made this pregnancy quite a stressful one in that sense... but I'm putting into perspective by looking at the long term... these few years when I'm going to be getting up to them and dealing with nappies and tantrums and all that jazz will be insignificant in the great scheme of their and our lives. Most days, thinking that way helps. Some days, it doesn't but as someone else said on another forum I was reading: "sure there will be days when you can't cope. But even people who don't have any children have days like that." (idk, does that help?!!)

Also don't look at it as having to give up on all the plans for yourself and your family. You can still do those things, you might just have to rearrange things, put some stuff on hold, take things slower. A plus of having the children closer in age is that you can 'get back to it' sooner, rather than having to start from the beginning when your daughter starts school and then wait until the second child is in kindergarten or school before you fulfill your dreams.

I don't mean to sound dismissive of your concerns, really I just want to say, I know how scarey and overwhelming it can be and I'm sending you light. M points out that we're lucky to have a good long gestation it helps you get your head around it!!

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

[OutbackWoman]

Sometimes things happen at the most inconvenient moment don't they?

I hope it all works out for you hun, you have lots of options

Maybe you could go part time at Tafe?

[SiarasMummy]

Thanks everyone. I am still very unsure what to do. Yesterday I was thinking - we will figure out a way to work it out, we can cope, let's just do it. And now today I am thinking of the pregnancy, labour and all those sleepless nights and I keep thinking 'I just can't do it'!
I am going to see the doctor after the public holidays to have everything confirmed. I guess I will have more of an idea of what I want then.
Other ladies at my playgroup have recently had their second baby and there is not ONE LITTLE part of me that has thought 'aawww I would love another baby now'. I do not feel maternal at all towards this new life that I have started. But I know that I should also be grateful that I can have children, especially knowing how hard it is when you have fertility issues. Gosh, I just wish I had been a bit more careful. When you have tried naturally for over 2 years before and nothing happened, you just don't think it can happen this way. Silly me!

[Laranna]

I can't even begin to imagine the difficulty and emotion involved in making a decision like that so at the end of the day you need to do what you think is best for you and your family. I guess, you have to weigh up what you'll regret (or not regret) more.

[SiarasMummy]

Hi Everyone,
Just an update - I went to visit the Doctor two days ago, did a test at the Docs office and I am indeed pregnant. I am going to book in an ultrasound for next week to confirm dates but the Doc has estimated I am around 7.5 weeks and will be due sometime mid August.
I think I am over the shock of it all now and my Husband and I have decided to go through with the pregnancy. I thought I was only 4 weeks when I was considering a termination but now I know I am a bit further along and the baby will have a heartbeat etc, a termination really isn't an option for my anymore.
I am not EXCITED yet but we have begun telling our family and very close friends and they are all happy for us which has rubbed off on me a little and made me feel a bit better about the whole thing.
I am still going to go to school next year, I will finish at the end of the first semester, have the baby and then return to school in 2012. My daughter will be ready to start kinder by then and there is a day care at Tafe for the little one. It will be hard work but I know I can do it with some help from my family and friends.
I am just going to look on the bright side of life and be glad that I am no longer having fertility issues

Thanks to the people that replied, it is nice to be able to vent to people that are so understanding.

[~clover~]

Congratulations
I was right there in your shoes back in February. I had NO intentions of any more babies & had finally come to terms with that when we got our little suprise.
It was a battle emationally through the whole pregnancy, but now she's here I haven't looked back

[Nelle]

Congrats. Sounds like you're working on a plan, I think that always helps to get our heads around things. All the best with the pregnancy. xo

[dreamrise659]

Hi SiarasMummy,

I understand the shock when you fall pregnant by accident. I concieved my daugther (now 14yrs old) by accident whilst using contraception. When I first found out I was pregnant (when I was 8 weeks along) I was in total shock. I rang a friend as I needed to talk to someone and she said "I don't know whether to say congratulations or commiserations" and I said "I don't know either". However for me it only took a couple of weeks to feel happy about it. I never considered termination (although I believe it is every woman's right to choose I never felt it would be the right choice for me) however I did briefly consider offering the child for adoption. I discussed my thoughts with my parents who were very supportive and told me they didn't think I'd cope long term if I did adopt the child out because I would always wonder about it.

Anyway I was a student at the time and split with my daughter's father when I was 16 weeks pregnant (we had been on and off for 4 and a half years and the pregnancy made me realise that our relationship wasn't right). I was lucky in that I finished my course 4 weeks before my due date. I then started my first career job when my daughter was 5 weeks old (but it was only 2 shifts a week).

I went back to full-time study when my daughter was 2 years old. I know how hard it is to juggle everything but atleast it sounds like your husband is supportive (I was completely on my own - have been a single mum my daughter's entire life).

What are you going to be studying at TAFE? I was a TAFE teacher (of an Advanced Diploma course) until a couple of months ago (left to reduce my stress levels to increase my chances of IVF working and it did - now 5 weeks pregnant). Anyway I know that with my students I have been very flexible about work requirements in line with their family responsiblities etc (including one student who had to breast feed during class). I'd suggest talk to your TAFE teachers early on (especially if they are female) and you may find that they are willing to negoiate with you around work requirements etc (and more understanding about morning sickness etc). I've had several students with young children and one who took a semester off due to having a baby. Most TAFE teachers (especially if they are mothers themselves) will be very understanding and supportive and I encourage you to use this support.

Part-time study with a baby is hard work but well worth it. A close friend only took 4 weeks off study to have her son (attended class a few days before he was born and then returned when he was 4 weeks old and I looked after him for her the 1 day a week that she had class. So she managed to complete her course in the normal time-frame.

As others have said having a baby doesn't mean that you can't still do what you had planned - it just means you might have to do it in a slightly different way.

Even though my daughter was a total shock to start with, she truly is the best thing to ever happen to me and it hasn't stopped me realising any of my dreams (except working overseas again but that wasn't a major dream).

Remember to utilize whatever support systems you have available to you (friends, family, TAFE student services etc). When you need help or aren't coping don't burn yourself out by trying to carry on and not discussing it with anyone (this is a mistake many of my students have made) let those around you know if you need help or if you need time out etc and when studying let your teachers know as early as possible if you are going to need an extension etc.

I am just going to look on the bright side of life and be glad that I am no longer having fertility issues.

Yes - think how lucky you are if/when you decide to have another you now know that there is a chance it can happen naturally.

Best wishes
Lori

[Sunny Love]

I don't mean to sound dismissive of your concerns, really I just want to say, I know how scarey and overwhelming it can be and I'm sending you light. M points out that we're lucky to have a good long gestation it helps you get your head around it!! .

:yeahthat:

FWIW, you're not the only one who wasn't 'thrilled' upon a suprise BFP, but I wanted to offer my support in some way

[Lilliansmummy]

hi ladies, my 2 cents worth here lol
When I found out i was UTD with my twins i was just starting my diploma of nursing. I was so scared as I wanted to finish my studies (this was the 3rd attempt of the course as id half done it in the past but things crept up in my life) and found ways around it!
I had planned to finish the year out if possible which would have taken me to 6month and the ANF (who im doing it through) were so supportive and then when i m/c, i couldnt have asked for more supportive people! So i would be upfront with ur tafe/insitution and always let them know what ur planning to do. As others have said you can always defer.
Good luck hun, just think about how much it is worth it in the end!