11 Step Program For Those THINKING of Having Kids

[lilmisspositive]

Need a laugh? Had to share. ; )


Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

(My own addition: Repeat step eleven. Minus the conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room and add an important phone call. And whilst having someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow have them ask you questions continuously while trying to listen to the phone call)

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!

[lozzy_mac]

This had my DH laughing out loud and saying "oh dear!" a lot.
except for lesson 9 which he seems to quite look forward to haha

Thanks for the laugh/reality check!

[*Sparklez*]

Lmaooo...

[Loula]

Love it! just what i needed tonight

[NaeNae]

LOVE IT!! I wonder how I can add it to my FB page for all my friends to see LOL

[Teeki]

Hahaha, oh no! What am I getting into? I must be crazy cos I'm looking forward to it all even though this post simultaneously had me peeing my pants laughing and crapping my pants out of nervousness lol.

Oh, and I was one of those kids who asked loads of questions when mum was on the phone. Not when she was talking, but when she's not talking surely she can pay attention to me right?

Sent from my HTC Desire using Tapatalk

[Tinks]

I love the goat bit!! OMG taht's exactly what it's like at times.

[ree]

love it!!! just shared with my friends on fb

[Winter]

Its the peanut butter and jam as decorations that is EXACTLY like my house!!!

[bluetree07]

LOL! i live the bit about taking goats shopping... SOOOO frustrating!

[~Kaz~]

that is gold! definitely sharing with my mg. Ta.

[~Lashes~]

HAHA still love it!

LOVE IT!! I wonder how I can add it to my FB page for all my friends to see LOL

you could make it as a note and tag upto 20 friends in it to have a read. notes can be found in the boxes tab on your priofile, providing you still have the origional profile, if you have the new one, then ive got no idea!

[Taurean]

PMSL although it's just before 3am - my damn alarm went off early!!

[Artechim]

Lesson 6, I actually do have a coin stuck in my car's CD player. But it doesn't matter because DS yells whenever I try to play music anyway lol

[*LittleMissSummer*]

Lesson 5 and the goat one had me almost peeing myself.

[Lisa]

HILARIOUS! I had to share on FB. Thanks for sharing with us

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Oh, just hilarious. I suppose that's down to me not having children, rather just one child. Who seems to not destroy my things, fed himself from starting solids and tidies up with me. Oh yes - and co-slept so the nights were spent sleeping, unless pain was an issue. Even now, four years on, I love our snuggly night cuddles when I just transfer beds.

(Even with a child, I hate the smugness of the parents to the child-free. Life is NOT BAD when you have a child. Children are NOT EVIL either, they can be well behaved, friendly and a joy to be around. Or maybe my standards are just too high?)