Am I over-reacting?

[beansbeans!]

Its another issue with my mil.

For the last couple of months she has told me that she is babysitting the girls, whilst DH and I go out. Everytime she has mentioned it I have so far dismissed her. I don't want her to babysit the girls. Actually I really would like her to earn the right to babysit them. And also I dont want to be told that she is babysitting, I dont like being told what to do.

Bit of background

To go back to when DD1 was born. When DD1 was born she needed some extra love at the hospital. Instead of being supportive and trusting that we were doing what was best for DD1 and what the drs said, she just criticised us. A couple of days after DD1 was born and knowing I had no family near me, let alone female friends or family, she left to go and look after her parents, even thouugh it was damn obvious DH and I needed some support. (Actually it turns out she hadnt listened to a thing we had said about DD1 being sick, talking about it a while back, she says 'oh I never knew this'. Even though we lived at the hospital for the first month after she was born.)

When DD1 was about 6 weeks old, they moved away. For the next 18months, not once did they visit outside the quick trip on their way past our town to see someone else. She only rings once every now and then, and when she does its only for stories to tell others and remind me that I need to send her more photos.

In 2009, we accidently moved in with them for about 5 months. During this time, not once sis she offer to babysit DD1, not once did she take time out to take her to the park, not once did she just sit and play with her.

At the moment we live about 5 mins away, she has to drive past our place to go to work everyday. She rarely pops in for a visit, and when she does she just sits and questions DD1.

Now all of a sudden she tells me she is going to babysit the girls for me. She's going to babysit whilst I go to the movies with her relatives, whilst DH and I go out for dinner (mil doesnt even realise that DD2 is still bfed to sleep, nor is a great sleeper), whilst I go shopping, whilst I do anything.

Recently we went to the nursing home where her mother is. Whilst there she takes the girls from us, and lets them run and scream down the hallways of the hursing home, even though we told her they arent allowed to bahave that way. Recently we went to lunch with them, and here I am telling DD2 not to walk along a high ledge above cement, she is encouraging the behaviour, wncouraging her to walk and play and jump on the ledge.

How can I have her babysit the girls? She doesnt want to be in their lives unless it benefits the way people see her. She rarely comes over and isnt at all interested in the way we are raising the girls. She doesnt even take notice of what rules we have in our own home, let alone anywhere else.

Dh had the same thoughts as me in the beginning of all this but now he has the POV of let her babysit, as she'll never want to do it again after the girls let loose on her.

Am I over-reacting?

[black_rose]

No you are not over reacting. If she has no involvement in their lives, or no understanding of how you parent then she shouldn't be babysitting. And to let the girls loose with them is just not fair on anyone. I agree people need to earn the right to babysit it's not a given just because they are family.

[~*familyof3*~]

i agree with BR. She also needs to show she respects how you parent how can you trust her alone with them if you cant even trust her with them in front of you

[*Sparklez*]

i agree too.. they are ur children n they arent clothing u can borrow for the night... if she cant interact properly with them now how can she interact with them all night??
i dont think doing it too teach her a lesson is such a good idea as if it goes too far n she disciplines them then its going to turn nasty n not only that do u really want to have her talking about u n ur kids to every passer-by??
Gl hun xox

[Fuzzywuzzy]

No you are not over reacting. If she has no involvement in their lives, or no understanding of how you parent then she shouldn't be babysitting. And to let the girls loose with them is just not fair on anyone. I agree people need to earn the right to babysit it's not a given just because they are family.

:yeahthat:

I wonder why she suddenly has the urge to be so involved with your kids now? To show off to her friends? Honestly it sounds like she doesn't have anyone's best interests but her own in mind and i would definately not be leaving my kids with her if I were you. It sucks that you can't get support from your own family

[black_rose]

It does sound like she sees them as something she can show off to friends rather than genuinely caring about all of you.

[Ginger]

I would never leave my kids in a situation i was uncomfortable with. Don't let anyone push you into something you don't want to do. JUst say no. They're your kids.

[beansbeans!]

Thanks ladies.

Thats how Im feeling like she only wants to look after them to show off to her family and friends. I feel like I am over-reacting, but at the same time I feel like she sees the girls as being brownie points in how society sees her. For yrs she complained as to how society percieves him due to dreadlocks and tattoos, and how that ultimately reflects on her. She didnt even like his chosen career path, because it wasnt what she had dreamed him doing, he's a chef! And he is gaining an amazing reputation in the industry, regardless of the tattoos (we cut the dreads off a couple of yrs back, cause he wanted to start fresh ones).

I havent said no at the moment, I just keep on coming up with excuses as to why its not a good time. She doesnt have the same days off as DH, I dont want to see that movie, shoppings all done etc.

Actually the other thing that goes with wanting to babysit, is that she keeps on telling I should go back to work now, and she can quit her job and look after the girls!! I've told her that Im not ready to go back to work and when I am ready thats a decision betwen DH and I as the arrangements for care for the girls!

And she apparently inquired about a house that is for sale across the road from them for us. Apparently it would be perfect for us, and she could would be able to look after the girls anytime for us.... She hasnt told me this, she told DH. Even he wasnt impressed with that one!

[Ginger]

she sounds exactly like my mil. we keep a safe distance from her....

[beansbeans!]

thanks ginger! always good to know Im not alone

[BeautifulMadness]

i agree with the other ladies....i wouldnt let her near my kids if she cant follow simple rules...who is the chid i must ask?