Conflicting advice and getting frustrated!!!! *rant*

[MrsBexie]

Ok so my bubs is 2 weeks and 5 days old.

I have been given so much advice as to what to do with her, how to get her into routine etc... So Charlotte HATES being put down... she will scream (and I mean HYSTERICALLY) until I pick her up... even if i leave her for 20 mins, she will keep screaming... No tummy time, no play time... she has to be held, once she is asleep she is fine to go in her bassinet, but I can't do anything unless I want to listen to her scream. I can't even pee without her cracking it. And it's not reflux or wind cause it's not near feeds... she falls asleep on the boob all the time and is happy to do that. It finally gets her to sleep! If I wake her for play time she cracks it and then it takes forever to get her back to sleep again!

I have the people telling me to get her into routine now, sleep feed play, let her scream until she falls asleep btu go in and comfort her every couple of mins until she falls asleep... if she keeps screaming, just persist, it's important to get that routine in place for me and for her... Feed every 2-3 hours, stick to the routine, keep her awake after a feed, don't let her fall asleep on the boob etc. (The whole babywise thing too... my SIL and all her friends, plus about 5-6 other mums I know, swear by it and so they keep telling me to do babywise) Oh and they say wake her to feed/...

Then I have the people saying "don't be silly, your bub is only xx weeks old, she needs to be hugged, loved, feed her whenever she needs it or cries for it, she has no idea what's going on, comfort her, let her fall asleep on the boob, there is nothing wrong with that, wear her around the house then you can get stuff done etc..." Don't wake her to feed, let her wake herself...

So no matter what I do I feel bad because I am doing wrong by her, I am either not giving her routine, I am not comforting her, I am being to harsh on a newborn, I am being to soft on her, I will give her bad habbits that will be hard to break when she is older... blah blah blah!!!!! I don't have a sling either, just an Ergo, and can't afford to buy a sling...

I have no idea what to do... Following my instincts is hard because I have never had a baby before so I don't know if what I am doing now is going to be bad for her later. I don't want a clingy baby that won't sleep without me, won't go to anyone else, a baby that needs a boob in her mouth to fall asleep, but then I don't want a baby that feels like I am never there for her or gets distressed because I let her cry and don't comfort her!! It's so freaking annoying and I feel like I am failing her and me... and DH doesn't really care either way... He is only around in the evenings anyways so it doesn't affect him at this stage, he doesn't have preference as to what to do, he just hates when she doesn't settle.

I just hate feeling like this and being so confused and worried I am doing it wrong. I just want to love her and do the best by her... but with all this advice and everyone telling me to do different stuff then other people reacting by saying "for heavens sake she is only 2 weeks old...give her a break" it does not help!!!

Really just needed to rant and vent... am I a bad mother??? Will I ruin my child if I don't or do some of this stuff????? There is not just ONE way to raise a child I am sure!!!

[Mum2Romone]

personally I never listened to any advice, I just did what felt right for us, or me and my baby.

DS was breastfed, to sleep and in the first few weeks was hardly awake,
I didn't wake him or force play time etc, I just followed his routine.

After a few months we had got into our own routine, of feeding every few hours and sleeping and tummy time, but i would NOT worry yourself honey.

just do what feels right, ignore all the routine stuff if it's not the way you want to live your life.some people just like routine.

[Little Chicken]

What is right is what works for you. Every bub is different, what works for one more then likely wont work for another. She is still very new and still learning what to do. She is still learning about you and you about her. Give it time, things will sort themselves out.

Massives :hugs:
It is so hard when it's your first and they are so young, but don't doubt yourself

[kirsty_lee]

Hun.. bugger routine I reckon shes 2 weeks old!! My DD is 5 weeks old and not in a routine I just go with it. She usually wakes every 2-3 hours herself for a feed. And all she does is feed/sleep/poo. I don't wake her up for play. There are moments where she wakes up has a feed and is content and stays awake afterwards and we have cuddles etc. But I dont have "designated play time" cause well.. shes a new born. They sleep, that's what they do. Your not going to ruin your child hun! Just go with the flow and for a while she will pretty much call the shots. I wouldn't be waking her for a feed unless its like during the day and she's going hours and hours without a feed. kwim? Most important thing I learnt is NEVER wake a sleeping baby. And I mean really 2 week olds don't need "playtime" .. well I don't think so anyway. Your not a bad mother and there isn't just one way to raise a child. The only time I have a routine with Paige is at night time. Bout 6-6.30pm I give her a bath and give her a feed in the quiet of her room and put her to bed. Just to get her use to day/night. But every baby is different ok.. take a breath and not stress. Do what YOUR comfortable with. Your not going to screw your baby up ok. Just take her lead for a bit... shes only new. and the BEST advice... heaps of people will give you pointers/advice on what to do... you dont have to take every single bit of advice, just take the pieces that you find are helpful

[MrsBexie]

Thanks ladies! I'm just so confused, frustrated, tired, want to cry...

See even as I sit here I feel bad because she went down for a sleep at 9:10am... and it's not 11:30am and she's still sleeping... should I go wake her to feed or should I let her wake herself??? If I wake her will that make her cranky or get her into a habit of feeding more often or if I let her sleep will it mean she will be awake for ages and stuck to me like a leech?? What do I do? Wake or sleep?!?!

[Santosha]

Oh I hear you Hun. It's so hard when you're trying to do the 'right' thing, but there are so many different versions of 'right'. It's also really hard to hear your own internal dialogue when you have so many other voices in your ear, including that of your crying baby which a tired and vulnerable Mum can't help but sometimes interpret as "this is not working for me Mummy!".

You're right. There is no ONE way to raise a child. But for you and Charlotte, there is only your way. You will not 'ruin' her by fumbling around trying out some stuff to see what clicks for you... you're BOTH learning how eachother work and you will both find a happy system in time. It sounds like you've done plenty of reading, and you've heard plenty of 'words of wisdom', however wise or opinion-based they might be. Now, your job is to honour yourself and your child. Try and shut off the 'shoulds' or 'shouldn'ts' in your head for a while and listen to your heart. Tune in to your body and your baby. Watch what feels right to you and what makes you strain against your instincts. Watch what gives her comfort or helps calm her. Allow yourself some space and don't beat yourself up for needing it (or, for not needing it if you do want to just cuddle her all the time). You DO know how to do this... just follow your heart in the moment and gradually that will guide you into a pattern that you can make more 'sense' of. Oh, and remember, as a Mummy, you're only 2 weeks old too. So please be nice to yourself, you're just waking up in this world!

ETA: took ages to type this so yeah... what they said! Oh and in answer to your above question.... SLEEP. Unless you have concerns about weight gain or the number of feeds she's getting, always go for the sleep option!

[jaspen]

Mrs Bexie - your last statement is completely true - there is NOT just one way to raise a child - some would certainly claim there's is better but as you've found out those in the other camp would claim the opposit. It can be certainly overwhelming with all the advice people want to hand out whether asked or not. You really need to do what feels right for you and I certainly avoid asking people for advice unless its one particular thing I've wanted to know - some babies cry a lot others don't - some like to be held others show no particular preference the list of variations go on and on. She is only little and only just getting used to this world and you are only getting used to parenting - it really can just be trial and error at this stage working out what she wants, what you want and what works for your DH. I don't want to give you any direct advice about how to sleep or feed or..... cause I think you've had more than enough of that. Forums like this can give you lots of ideas without generally the - you must do this attitude - but again if you don't like what you read or see don't do it. I have three boys and all have required me to modify certain aspects of parenting but at the end of the day I love and nurture them and try to teach them about the world but how they slept, how often they fed, whether they played before sleep or any of those things was different for each one and I had to adjust my ways to suit each child and my life situations at the time.

Hugs to you as those first few weeks/months can be stressful and tiring as everyone in the family finds there way but know that you will work out what works for you and your little girl will know that and appreciate that in the long term.

[Little Chicken]

Is she has plenty of wet nappies and poos, leave her be and have a rest yourself. She'll let you know when she needs a feed. And she may be awake for longer, or she may not be no-one knows not even her. Sit down, put your feet up and have something to drink and eat.

[kirsty_lee]

i'd leave her a bit longer...she should be feeding every 2-3 hours so give it another half an hour i'd say

[jaspen]

in reply to your particular question "I" would let her sleep - unless she is having difficulty with feeding, seems lathargic or has been losing weight - otherwise if she is a good eater and is a normal growing baby - me personally I would let her go and know that she will wake up when she's hungry.

[MrsBexie]

She definitely has lots of wet and pooey nappies! she is a machine! And she gained 1kg in the first 2 weeks, she feeds like a champ and feeds a lot, So maybe I will let her sleep... I'll go check she is ok and leave her if she is happy.

It's weird, I want her to sleep when she is awake and when she is sleeping I miss her.

[MrsBexie]

And thank you ladies... I really appreciate it!!

[misty]

What is right is what works for you. Every bub is different, what works for one more then likely wont work for another. She is still very new and still learning what to do. She is still learning about you and you about her. Give it time, things will sort themselves out.

Massives :hugs:
It is so hard when it's your first and they are so young, but don't doubt yourself

:yeahthat:
I can attest to the fact all babies are different. All three of mine have been completely different. Go with what 'feels' right for you in the moment. Only listen to the advice you WANT to listen too, and ignore the rest. It is just advice. The reason there is so much contradictory advice out there, is because there is no right or wrong way to do any of this.

Personally from my experiences, routines are great for some kids, but change constantly for others and some kids just won't go with one.

Your baby is still so young. Bubs is still trying to work out how everything works, just like you are - do what works for you, what 'feels' like the right thing at the time. Sometimes that can be picking them up at every wimper, others it might mean leaving them to cry while you do what you need to do. You are her mum and you are the best person qualified to decide what is right (even if you are never quite sure what it is).

You are not the only one who ever feels like this - all parents do at some point or another.

[Feijoa Mum]

Leave her. If she is gaining weight and is feeding well then go with your gut.
She is soooo little and what ever works this week will bound to change next week and the week after so do what works for both of you at the time.

As a rule of mine I kinda demand fed but also followed a 3-4 hourly pattern during the day. At night I would leave them be and let them sleep for however long they wanted too because I knew they had had lots of feeds during the day.

If you want to hold her or feed her to sleep then do it. You cannot possibly spoil or ruin her by doing this. She has been so close to you for 9 months of course it is going to take her a little time to realise she will be ok without you right there.

Good luck and keep up the good work. Oh and congratulations

[~StarBright~]

mrs B your not a bad mum as far as i know- a two week old wont have a routine beside eat sleep poop... all with a bit of cryin g and screaming for sometimes no apparent reason..

*some kind of advice coming up- take it or leave it xxoo*

i know with DS i was at him to play right away- he would cry to and get over tired and very hard to settle coz i was over stimulating him at too young an age. Even then he really didnt have "playtime" or even belly time until he was much older- at least 6-8 weeks old. His early belly time was really just on my chest, not on the floor- with DD i was much more relaxed and really just let her do her own thing- i never woke her up for anything- i just followed her rules...

I am one of the people saying hug her and cuddle her as much as she needs it right now, as far as she is concerned, she is still part of you- she spent 9 months physically connected to every fibre of your body- and she needs a bit of time to adjust to the idea that she is a person on the outside, which isnt easy for us mummy's!!! There is plenty of time to set her in a routine- but for now- get to know her and what she likes and needs, and thats where you will find her routine.

I have also had a baby who would only ever fall asleep on the boob- so i understand your fear there, coz it is draining and takes ALOT out of you if that is the only way they will sleep! But even saying that once we weaned DS is fine noiw and obviously doesnt use the boob to go to sleep anymore. Maybe try every now and then if she is really nice and cosy and full and sleepy to slip a dummy in her mouth (while your still holding her) and maybe transition to her being used to that a bit. (i know i know then there is the whole dummy thing!!!!) And now i have a bub who is quite happy to be layed down in her cot and she will go to sleep on her own, they are all different!!!! All i did was fllow their lead and what made them happy, they are just different!

Being a mummy is hard, and there are no definate right ways to do things, just what feels right for you... and all babies are different too- and they change and grow in their own way in their own time. Some days i wish they came with specific instructions!!!!!!! Take care xxoo

[~StarBright~]

It's weird, I want her to sleep when she is awake and when she is sleeping I miss her.

Soooooooo true lol!!!!!!

[MrsBexie]

Well she woke herself Right after I posted last so now she is happily on the boob...
So tummy time doesn't matter at this stage? And I felt bad for not stimulating her!! She doesn't have any toys above her carseat, no mobile to look at in her bassinet, nothing but sleep boobies and hugs. Oh well.

Thank you all so much for reassuring me. It's what I need right now. It's so hard because I was so confident at first, so relaxed and knew what we wanted but now, not so sure... I just want the best for her...

[Shanti]

Ok so my bubs is 2 weeks and 5 days old.

If I wake her for play time she cracks it and then it takes forever to get her back to sleep again!

Hun, why wake her for playtime? She's only 2 weeks old.... her 'playtime' is being awake when she's feeding and just after feeds, THAT is her stimulation and playtime, she is waaaay too little to be woken for playtime...let alone any baby Never wake a sleeping baby (unless they need to be fed 3hrly etc of course if they are a sleepy baby etc!). Id' be cranky too if someone woke me from a nice sleep!!!!! wouldnt you?

Don't listen to anyone's advice but follow YOUR instincts as a parent. She is YOUR daughter, you know her better than ANYONE It's so hard when you first become a Mum/parent, so many people have opinions and you do feel judged for what you do and you're a bit self conscious as it's all new to you but SOON you will feel so much more confident about things as you get to know your little girl. Promise you!!

And nope you are a FANTASTIC mother!!!!

My DD breastfed to sleep ALL the time and did up until 11 mths of age (when she stopped falling asleep on the boob herself).....it was sooo handy!!! enjoy it!!! trust me!! It's natural thing for babies to do.

And don't worry about tummy time yet....she's just come out of your womb, she just needs YOU, cuddles and booby milk.....lots of that!!!! and she'll thrive......tummy time will happen, give her a bit more time and she'll start to enjoy it more.....DD hated it at that age so I waited a bit longer.....let her guide YOU.