Nearly every day is bad

[goddessofdawn]

This is more of a vent, and getting things unmuddled in my own head, more than a plea for advice.

I'm not sure how honest other mums are about motherhood and how much they enjoy or don't enjoy it, but for me, nearly every day is bad.
There are good moments often, but they are brief and never last.
There are too many bad moments to mention.

I find myself fruitlessly wishing for things which aren't going to happen -
my daughter's temperament isn't going to change, not anytime soon, anyway.
I'm not going to magically get any help, unless we win Lotto.
Yes, I can torture myself thinking about my next-door neighbour whose mother-in-law takes her twin girls OVERNIGHT a couple of times a month....
but that isn't going to happen for me. I haven't had half a day off, let alone overnight.

One day my daughter will sleep through the night, but maybe not for another year or even two years. I'm trying suggestions from the NCSS, but nothing has worked yet. Unfortunately I think the NCSS is more about getting parents to accept that their child will sleep through eventually, rather than solving anything.

I am so disappointed in my husband. He plays sport for 6 months of the year, and is captain of his team, and very involved in meetings etc. It takes up so much time!!
He has played for 8 years, and I feel like it's getting too much. I asked him to take next season off, and he said he will play every second week. So he can't even do that much for me. I told him I am having trouble coping, so he knows. But he won't even do this one thing. It is just one season off!!!

My life has been turned upside down since becoming a mum, but he has carried on as usual without having to make any sacrifices. I'm the one who isn't allowed a good night's sleep, I'm the one who is not allowed to have any time to myself.

I know I am supposed to stop thinking negative thoughts so it doesn't turn into a spiral, so that's what I will try to do. And just try to find joy in small things that make me happy. Because the 'big things' in life haven't worked out the way I hoped they would.

[turtleschell]

I am so sorry you are having to do everything on your own, with no help from anyone at all. It is so hard, and most people have at least their partner, if not additional parents/siblings to help. It's totally understandable that you find it hard to enjoy it.
My DD was a really bad sleeper too, and has just started sleeping through the night (from 6 wakeups a night to NONE suddenly) and I had to put up with that for 14 months, also doing ALL the household duties on my own, with DH working 6.5 days a week and 2 nights. I totally understand your difficulty coping. I will say that once DD started sleeping, everything got better. What worked with her was just one night of no breastfeeding, and letting her whinge (not scream, but grizzle) instead of running to her quickly every night. If you want to know more, feel free to PM me. You may have already tried this, as well as a billion other techniques.
Anyway I wanted you to know that it's ok to feel unenthused about being a parent, it's completely understandable when you never get a break and never even get to sleep.
Your DH needs a kick up the bum, and that's easier said than done, I really hope he just steps up and starts taking care of you and your child. And I sincerely hope your DD starts sleeping through soon.

[onthefly]

You sound really, really tired
No advice - but just know you're not the only one to feel this way. When things were at their worst with DS I was beyond tired - I was angry, frustrated and resentful. And it's not right to be doing this all alone - that's not the way that parenting is meant to be.

[Arcadia]

You're not alone in feeling this way. You have no support, no break and very little sleep. no wonder you're resenful.

I can sympathise with many things in your post...when I was at my most sleep deprived, I used to rage against the life I had lost.

Things are SO much better with more sleep. And I don't mean trying to get you little one to "sleep through"...that is a load of crap and a waste of time. After 2 years, DD still wakes through the night, but these days I priorotise MY sleep. I go to bed early, I sleep every day when she does, and I tell DH to take her to the park on the weekends and then I sleep. I sometimes even just put on the TV for her, make sure the room is safe and then doze.

You're a great mummy, doing the best you can. Try not to analyse it too deeply about how much you're "enjoying" it...You are doing the best you can, and you WILL look back at this time and remember the good times.

Hang in there hun!

[OceanPrincess]

Just like MadB - ATM I am really struggling with my DS and his lack of sleep... I do get help but no one can really help overnight and that's when I become angry, resentful and frustrated.

We are supposed to love being a mother - but just like you, I'm so tired, I just don't enjoy it.



You are not alone.

[Arcadia]

to you too OP...and to all sleep deprived mummies...

[Mak]

Not much help here either but I try to remind myself it is not the mummy stuff I have issues with it is the not sleeping, not helping stuff. Hope it passes soon - certainly is an ongoing struggle here. Try to be kind and not expect to over achieve. xxxx

[goddessofdawn]

Thanks all. Yes, I'm exhausted. But not much can be done about that....

As for the "sleeping through" issue - it's not as though I expect her to sleep through every night. I expect her to wake up, and need me, and I'm happy to go to her.
The thing is, it takes up to 1 HOUR each time she wakes, to resettle her.
Sometimes I can just rock her, sometimes I can just tap her in the cot (depends how awake she is) but most of the time she won't allow that and I HAVE to breastfeed her. For a long time. Then I pick her up and rock her, then when she is 99% asleep she goes in her cot and I tap her for 5-10 minutes (I'm developing a hunchback!)
And a lot of the time, after resettling her, I go back to bed.... and she wakes up 5 minutes later. In that moment it is truly heartbreaking!

I don't rush to her as soon as she cries out, because sometimes, she obviously isn't truly "awake", and will resettle herself. But most of the time I have to go in. Sometimes she lets my husband rock her, and sometimes she gets too upset, and I step in before too much damage is done.

I know in years to come I probably won't remember any of this.... but it's so hard NOW. And I know lots of other mums find it hard, but most of them end up having more children, so obviously they don't find it that bad in the end
But I won't be having anymore. It is too much for me. Good thing I didn't know all this beforehand, or I would not have had my beautiful daughter. I love her so much and I know it will be worth it.
It's just the hardest thing I have had to do, and I find myself "counting down" the months until she turns 2, and 3...

[onthefly]

Have you tried co-sleeping? It *might* make the wakeups quicker.
It all really does look different a year or so down the track

[kelsbels]

Are you inside my head? Lol, I could have written this post myself right now and my DD DOES sleep through the night.

Being a mummy is tough going, not nearly the beautiful life change I was expecting! I too, am counting down the days until I can reason with her with some things (she us only 11 months).

Massive hugs and you are without a doubt, not alone xx

[goddessofdawn]

Have you tried co-sleeping? It *might* make the wakeups quicker.

Should have said - we tried co-sleeping from the start. Little Miss couldn't even fall asleep sleeping with us - I guess we disturb her too much! She likes her own space. (She hated being in a sling too! So much for attachment parenting!)
In the morning, she comes into my bed for a BF, but won't fall asleep there with me.

She also naps while being BFed... and will ONLY nap while being BFed. She finished feeding and will nap on my lap, but if I try and put her down..... nuh. So I really don't get a break, literally! Not even at naptime. I forget that "normal" babies nap in cots during the day!

[Gigi]

my DD wouldn't sleep longer than two hours (every day and night, 24.7) before 19 months. Then suddenly at 20 months, she started having a five hour sleep at night. BLISS! But my body had gotten into the habit of not sleeping so badly, insomnia wouldn't let ME sleep, even when SHE suddenly DID sleep. I had been so alert for so long, thinking "it's not worth going to sleep, she will be awake so soon", so i didn't - and would literally crash out for maybe two hours, per day. SLEEP DEPRIVATION is horrible and it really screws with your head. I was really short tempered, grumpy, nothing could cheer me up and i look back and wonder why i didn't crash the car, driving in that state.

our situations aren't identical, but there are aspects of your situation that i really relate to (in the past tense, as my LO is four now).

if i could write a letter to my sleep deprived self back then (from here and now), this is what i would put

- ok, i know you (meaning me) tried the Hug a bub and the canadian baby carrier and they were too hard/awkward, but there are easier slings out there, i found the Peanut Sling LONG after i actually needed it. Even if i had just used that, to settle her, me sitting down, at least i would have had two hands free to do something.

- i wish i had had a comfy recliner chair, cos i spent so much time settling her and bf-ing her, that would have been so useful. instead i made do with the corner of the sofa. So one side was supportive, the other, was sore. The beauty of a good recliner, is that you can actually sleep in it (you the mum). So if your LO likes to fall asleep ON you, then at least in a recliner, you could nap as well. Not perfect, but it's something, cos you could prolly benefit from that sleep right about now.

- the buying of fresh food and groceries became hit n miss, my assumption that dh would actually do the grocery shopping, was naive. i wish i had worked out how to buy groceries online, and just done that. Not worried about the delivery cost, just focused on "well at least there will be decent food at home, instead of the weetbix and iced coffee i ended up living on".

- i had no family support either, it used to frustrate me to listen to other mums complaining about their mothers, and MILS, who while they did some annoying things, at least they came over, watched the baby so the mum could have a shower - something practical like that - i would have been so happy for that to happen to me. In lieu of that, i think i would have been wiser to book a cleaner each fortnight, to do the most pressing bits (e.g mop all the wet areas), again, not get hung up on the cost, just let dh realise, there was a COST involved in him not helping out.

- i remember reading the Riot Act to my (then) dh, in our case, it wasn't about playing sport, it was about "who took care of the nappies". I told him, either he was a father to a baby ALL the time (clean, dirty, sick, well, happy, sad) - which includes changing her bottom, or he could be a part time dad who only saw her on Sundays. I explained, i did not LOVE changing nappies, but this tiny human being, depended on us ENTIRELY for her hygiene, and if we didn't do it, she would be very sick. As obvious as all this sounds to me (and prolly you), i was amazed at the change in him AFTER i did my nut, and explained all this in minute detail. From then on, he voluntarily changed her whenever she needed it, when he was home, including putting hte poo into the loo and washing the nappies.

i totally sympathise with you, i was falling asleep in weird places and was scared to sit down in case i fell asleep, it was so bad.

You are so on the money, your life changes SO MUCH once you have a bub, if your dh wants to continue his life, as he did, "pre-baby", he's not in the real world.

Parenthood is something he can either experience WITH you, or continue to be a parent, when it suits him.

If he continues to be so selfish, he is damaging his relationship with you. Is his sport so great, that he is prepared to lose wife and child over it? That sounds dramatic, but if he continues showing so little respect, for you, for what you're going thru, for your child - it COULD come to that. Woudln't be the first time.

i'm sure you've tried HEAPS of things already, but have you tried having her cot NEXT to your bed, so while you're patting her, you're lying in your own bed too? not cosleeping, but sleeping close by?

i wish you all the best
i wish you SLEEP
i wish you a more settled bub (she could be picking up on how stressed you are too, point that out to dh)
it's hard to "enjoy" your bub, their first milestones etc, when you are holding up your eyelids with matchsticks. instead you end up resenting the baby, when it's really the lack of sleep, the lack of support, that is the problem.

best of luck hon, you really sound at the end of your rope.

[*Sparklez*]

Gigi has given you the best fact sheet list ever...

It has some usefull tips on there, im so sorry your going through this and all i can say is it can only get easier..
I know its not something you want to hear, and im sorry..
Motherhood is always difficult anyone that ever says its so easy i would do it again and again etc.. and state that they NEVER had problems is im sorry telling tall tales..
Can i ask how old your DD is?
I hope something gives soon.. you sound extremely exhausted and totally over it.. Just try be kind to yourself..
If i was close to you i'd give you a break babe... GL

[Plinky]

I can sympathise with you

I remember on more than one occasion saying to my sister "I wish we never had him" in the first few weeks (makes me sick to my stomach that I said that ). It didn't matter to me how many times I heard "life isn't the same after a baby", etc, etc. I still thought in my head "yeah, yeah, I"ll cope thanks". But GEES...its like a friggin tonne of bricks hits you. I was like you and had no help in the first few weeks. Sure DH was around, and he did help, but about 90% of it was me. His mum was also terminally ill so he spent a lot of time away from home being with her (which is understandable - but I felt so needy, so desperate for someone to help me - which I couldn't be open with DH about because I thought he had enough to deal with). And my mum lives in UK.

I remember having several long and loud crying sessions about missing my old life, but I have to promise you it DOES get better. I remember thinking I'd never be happy/relaxed/content ever again. Its amazing the effects of sleep deprivation (and I had a good sleeper - I just didn't sleep when he did during the day - that would have made a massive difference I think). Sleep deprivation is sooo understated (is that the right word??).

As DS has grown older (now 15months), he has changed and adapted to our lives. I'm getting a normal nights sleep, and the difference is incredible. And its just wonderful how interactive and independent he has become. I would even like to start trying for a 2nd soon! I remember it wasn't long ago that I didn't want another baby ever!

If DH had his way, he'd be back playing cricket (and you know how muchtime that takes up). But I put my foot down with that. He is still not home a few nights a week, and has just started exercise classes 2 morning too. Part of me still thinks his life hasn't changed that much, he still does what he wants to some extent. He does help, if I ask him to. But he seems to scared to do anything in case he does it wrong, or not how I want it done! Could your DH be the same?

Sorry if this is a bit jumbled...just wanted to let you know I went through the same feelings. It does get better. It does, it does, it does!! Once you start getting more sleep, you'll feel like a different person. It will happen

[goddessofdawn]

If he continues to be so selfish, he is damaging his relationship with you. Is his sport so great, that he is prepared to lose wife and child over it? That sounds dramatic, but if he continues showing so little respect, for you, for what you're going thru, for your child - it COULD come to that.

I sometimes imagine myself reaching breaking point, and taking off one day. And saying to him, I ASKED you to take a break for just one season, and you wouldn't. So now YOU deal with this.
Of course I wouldn't actually do this. Just a wild fantasy that I indulge in sometimes, when I am feeling unsupported.
Oh and your comment about why didn't you crash the car..... guess what I did when DD was 2 months old? A write-off! But that's another story (we didn't tell our family - pretended that our car died and so we had to get another one) Bad times...
Does your 4-year-old sleep through now?

Zaki&Amali ~ that is sweet of you to say you'd give me a break if you could. ... I don't mind people telling me it will get easier, but I guess I don't believe that it will get easier for ME. I remember being told that by the time my DD was 3 MONTHS old, it would all fall into place! Pfffffttt!

Beanybub ~ the depressing thing is that my daughter is 16 months old.... older than your son, and things still aren't great. I know Gigi said it is the lack of sleep and lack of support that is the cause of my difficulty, but I can't help thinking....
if I were a better mum, I would be able to handle things by now, surely!
Doesn't help that my 2 sister-in-laws (who I don't know at all, really) give the impression that motherhood is one constant state of easy bliss. One even said that her kids (younger than my DD) sleep through because she "put in the hard work in the early days".... what, so I didn't "work hard" enough?!!

Thanks EVERYONE for taking the time to reply to me!!

[Arcadia]

One even said that her kids (younger than my DD) sleep through because she "put in the hard work in the early days".... what, so I didn't "work hard" enough?!!!!

I am sorry people are so insensitive. Yes, listening to my baby cry for hours WOULD be hard work, in fact it would break my heart, so I didn't do it. I am not dissing anyone who does use CIO and strict routines etc, but geez, cut us all some slack if we choose not to!

I remember 16 months being tricky, because DD wasn't able to be reasoned with, and yet was so active and into everything.

I honestly think you need to look at your sleeping arrangements. Maybe your DD hates the cot? Mine couldn't stand it and slept heaps better when we switched to a bed. I also think she wants to be close to you - which is normal and understandable (my 26 month old sleeps right up next to me, including nap times). Our routine is that I go to bed with her. Yes it means you 'get nothing else done'...but honestly, life WITH sleep is so much easier, and you suddenly have the energy to do things with child in tow.

Can you trial popping her in your bed for day sleeps, so breastfeed to sleep and then nap with her? And then at night, would you consider putting her in a bed in your room? Or even getting a double for you and her to sleep in?

I really hope you can find things that work for you. You are NOT alone in this. We're all here listening and supporting you...please call on us if you need (I'm in melbourne btw).

[HotI]

Doesn't help that my 2 sister-in-laws (who I don't know at all, really) give the impression that motherhood is one constant state of easy bliss. One even said that her kids (younger than my DD) sleep through because she "put in the hard work in the early days".... what, so I didn't "work hard" enough?!!

Poo poo to them! If you haven't had a non-sleeper, you can't understand what it is like. A friend has told me 'that's not enough sleep, just put her back in the cot'- Yeah right, cos that is gonna work.

I read the NCSS a few months back and thought it had good ideas. I re-read it recenly cos i was ready to attempt to make changes, and found that it didn't really have anything to offer me apart from reassurance that eventually she will learn how to to sleep. There are ideas that i have used but they haven't made much difference in the big picture.

I don't have any advice, but you do have my empathy.

take care,

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Huge, huge hugs. I remember the baby days. Being told by DH that I wanted the baby... but I wanted a husband too! I wanted help! I'd seen his mother help his brother and SiL and thought I may get one hour a month off! The lack of appreiation didn't help either. I cooked, cleaned, looked after baby, did all the night waking, no lie-ins... and got it in the neck if the vacuuming needed doing.

Walking out and leaving DH with DS for two hours when DS was 11m old turned my life around. Wish I'd done it earlier.

Does it get easier? No. It gets different. So OK, I now work full-time and do 90% of the parenting (and get whinged at about DH needing to pick his own son up from nursery), DS doesn't regularly sleep through, but can do a couple of months without night waking, he is now finally toilet trained and can be reasoned with, have fun film nights and worst case he can just play on my handheld games thing. He will sit and read a book on his own for up to half an hour. His two best mates have great mums and we get together for fun afternoons. But he can ask for specific toys when we're out at the shops and I don't like lego on the floor. I don't like that he can reason back! I don't like that my abusive mother now realises she can start her psychological games on him.

Does it get harder? I would say absolutely not. It gets different - and we all cope with different stages differently and they affect us differently and we get different support from our menfolk and even children's grandparents at different stages. FiL helps out with DS now he plays trains, DH is going to take DS fishing this summer, nursery school means I have a life again. Help with children is everything. I had no help with a baby so that, for me, was a tough stage despite not wanting to admit it and everyone telling me to "just wait until..." (mostly my abusive mother, admittedly).

I know a "bad" mother (IMO) who has 3 children. She lets them scream all night at 6w old. That's making them sleep 6pm-8am. You know what - I love my son and he loves me. More important than sleep or having the large family I want: my son is important and he knows it. No matter how hard it is, he has it better than someone whose mother sees her children as an accessory and wants an easy life. OK, judgemental, but she thinks I'm a bad mum for being friends with my son and treating him as a person with opinions and a personality (he didn't need enouraging on that front) rather than a baby.