Saturday March 27, 2004

You call, as you do every Saturday. Little do I know how important this phone call will be and how much I will learn to appreciate your calls.

It’s the usual back and fourth, DH birthday is coming up and you ask what he would like.

I mention again that your welcome here, that we would be more than happy for you to live with us until you get on your feet, as usual you brush it off.

I have something to tell you, DH and I are expecting another baby.

The phone call ends “I love you to”.



I don’t even remember what I did that night, life was still normal at that point.



Monday March 29, 2004

DS is playing in the lounge room which over looks our street and drive way. I was sitting on the couch when mum’s car pulls into the drive way. That’s strange, she should be at work.

I walk the few steps it takes to get to the front door, DH pulls in next to mum’s car. DH, mum and her partner get out of the cars.

My heart sinks, my chest feels like it is supporting a load of bricks.

I know something has happened to Nan or Pop, this was coming but still hurts to much.

“it’s your dad, he’s dead”.........

The tears start, thats what I’m meant to do right? Mum hugs me, my mind is blank, you stupid thing think something!

“what happened?” Surely it was something at work or a car accident.

“he hung himself”

I don’t remember much more, I asked if there was a note, I asked why, the phone call from Saturday played over and over and over in my head. This is my fault, I told him about the baby.



Saturday April 3, 2004

The plane starts landing as tears roll down my cheeks, you were always there to pick me up when I went “home”.

I look over the people waiting for the loved ones, I look for your head peering above the others, but your not there.

It’s dark and cold outside.



Sunday April 4, 2004

Mum and I walk around the corner towards the front door and where your car is parked, everything is so “normal”.

Mum breaks down and I feel guilty I’m not losing it like she is, whats wrong with me.

We start going through your room, I hated being in there. It represented everything about your life you hated, I felt your pain in there, I felt the sadness of that room.

Everyone was trying very hard to protect me and I snapped, I thought they were trying to hide things from me, I wanted the truth.

I said things to Nan K which I’m so ashamed of, I know she was trying to shield me from the hurt.



Monday April 5, 2004

Do I, don’t I? Sitting with the funeral people it all goes in one ear out the other, what songs do I want, I don’t care I don’t want to be here.

I decided to see you. I have photos with me to put in with you. I had heard everyone say how peaceful you look. I slowly opened the door and went in alone.

You looked cold, you looked sad, everything finally sinks in. Sitting on the chairs I wrote something on the back of the photos, I don’t remember what it was.

I put them in your hands as Mum, Auntie S and Nan K walk in. I become closed off again, don’t let other people see how broken I am.



Tuesday April 6, 2004

I had never been to a funeral, I had no idea what to expect.

So many people.

I get up and speak.

The service finishes and I’m still angry with myself that I’m not in a heap of the ground with people having to pick me up and support me, whats wrong with me?

The following week

I have to give the police a statement and it becomes clear how much I didn’t know about you, how far apart we really were.

I organise for things to be sold and for life to go on.

I fly home to DH and DS.

We find out the bleed I had during the time I was “home” was a m/c.



All these years later

I’m still so angry with you, my heart aches for what my children are missing out on. I’m so angry with myself for taking so long to realise how much I loved you.

I love you, I forgive you for all the crappy things you did to me, I’m slowly forgiving you for taking your own life.