Would you stay in a relationship for the kids?

[AwesomeFoursome]

Would you stay in a relationship if you weren't happy or sometimes happy because you have children together? What if the kids were really really attached to/dependant on the other parent, how could you take them away? Have you stay in a relationship for the kids? Have you chosen to leave? How did your kids cope, and what age were they?

Thanks for any replies.

[bubno.3]

umm no

[Purple Penguin]

No, I don't think I would, but I wouldn't know for sure until I was in that situation.

[tellytubby]

I would try to work things out. Talk. Councilling. I would try everything else first.

I know this may sound lame, but I'd also read some Dr Phil books, he's so insightful when in comes to relationships.

But in the end, after all of that. And I was still unhappy. No I wouldn't stay.

[~Lashes~]

it depends what the reasons are that are making you think about leaving, like, can they be resolved, do you want to work on the issues, things like that, but ultamitly, if it were just for the kids, i think they would be better off with 2 parents who were happy even if it ment not being together, rather than being misrable just for there sake kwim?

[Mum2Romone]

I think it's important for children to see a happy loving relationship.... if you aren't happy they will know and at the end of the day , just having children isn't enough to Stay in an unhappy relationship, even if you are married...

I guess it's asking yourself deep down whether you can repair the lost love or problems, and accepting the answer

[Ozziehoffy]

No I wouldn't. Children are extremely perceptive and pick up on all of that kind of stuff too, even if we believe them not to. If you're not happy, truly happy, your kids usually aren't either. It is a tough position to be in but whatever our decisions in these matters, we need to make sure that our kids are being looked after and we are meeting their needs and best interests. Now, you say, attached to one parent, does that mean that maybe the other parent needs to step away? When my first DH and I separated, I actually left without Joshua at that time (he was 1), he stayed with his dad who could meet his needs better at that point in time. For right then and there, that was in his best interest. I had nowhere to go etc. I left though as I wasn't happy and I couldn't stay but I also couldn't just take him if that makes sense. Not at that time. I was a mess and needed to sort me out before I was any use to any other human. I had him on the weekends once I found somewhere to live and stuff. I have been branded selfish by some (I believe including his dad for some time)... but I know in my heart that at that time I did what was best for him.

[LizLemon]

I think it depends on what the problem(s) is/are and how miserable you are. As Ozziehoffy said kids are very perceptive and sometimes no matter how hard you try they will still pick up that you're not happy.

My parents stayed together despite a very bad relationship and it really affected us kids. It really kind of skewed our belief of what a normal relationship was, and I think it impacted on our first few relationships. Not to mention that we were miserable. I appreciate that my parents thought they were doing the right thing wfor us but in retrospect I think I would've prefered they had gone their separate ways and I could have seen them both happy and moving on.

While parents have a responsibility to both be there for their children they also have the right to be happy and the responsibility to model "being happy" to their children, and taking action in their lives to achieve that. If they show their children that you don't have to settle for being unhappy the children will learn it. As long as you are constructive in your actions, the child will cope and learn resilience.

[Fleur]

As PPs have said, it really depends. If it's abusive, unhealthy, if there's loads of arguing, negativity - then no, because I don't think there's any benefit in that.

But I have been in a position where my relationship had lost it's gloss, and I was questioning whether I wanted to be there or not; actually a few times over; and having children involved has made me more inclined to stay & work it out. At this point we are still together & pretty happy.
I guess any relationship goes through it's ups & downs, you have to work out if it's a normal dip & trough or if it's really over.

Agree with Bug's mum, if it's bad, it will affect the kids & their perception of relationships.

[Cranky Kitten]

It really would depend on the situation, and whether the issues causing questions in the relationship could be resolved so that everyone is getting their needs met.

My ex and I broke up when DD was not quite 2 years old. We tried to limp along despite chronic issues with the relationship for the sake of our daughter, but ultimately it became unhealthy for the both of us, we were stressed and miserable and this was rubbing off on her. I moved out, leaving DD with her Dad as he could provide for her better and I had her every second weekend. It worked out to be the right decision - we're still good friends and communicate well regarding DD even now that I am married with a second bub on the way.

However, if it is something that can be resolved, if you are prepared to put the time and commitment in and so is your partner it can be a very positive thing. The trick is knowing what can be salvaged, what can't and how to walk away if necessary.

[Catastrophic]

Yes.
Would have to clarify more later. But it's a very complicated situation and it's so complex and a lot of different things come in to play.


Love MN ;-)

[trishalishous]

I dont think I could, if I were truly unhappy.
If it was more a case of 'friendship' than 'love' Id probably stay, even if I wasnt thrilled, as long as I was 'ok' with the situation IYKWIM

[BellyBelly]

If I felt I had put absolutely everything into it, and there was nothing more I could do, then no I wouldnt do it for the kids. I would choose to leave because I would want my children to see a happy, functioning relationship as how it should be - I believe your relationship really sets a mould/lead for your children. To see my own children react to me like I would in my relationship made me sad. And I decided I wanted them to see and experience a great relationship for when they were older. Of course the issues were long and ongoing but when it started affecting them, it really hit home.

They have done research and its not the act of divorce which damages children the most, it's what happens before and after the divorce which makes much sense.

Anthony Robbins has a brilliant relationship DVD program. It talks about the 6 human needs and how he's never seen anyone leave a relationship where their needs are being met. So your husband may not be meeting yours, but you will likely not be meeting his too. When one partner shifts, the other usually follows/reacts in a way that breaks the pattern.

[Nai]

One of my strongest childhood memories is walking into the bedroom and seeing my mum lying on the bed crying - she had been trying to hide from me and I found her. I was 2. I think what Kelly says is true that it isn't the divorce that affects the children most, it's what happens before, during and after that process.

Personally I would try to salvage the relationship through counseling and any other means I could, then if it really was unable to be saved I would make sure that there was a plan in place to protect the children and make the transition as smooth as possible for them. Ultimately though if you are completely miserable in the situation then the children will definitely pick this up and it will affect them.

[Livinthedream]

I dont know hon, maybe.
But I certainly would not be having anymore kids with someone if I was not sure I wanted to be with them for the rest of my life.
Sorry if that sounds rude, but I couldnt read your sig and not say anything.

[Sopdet]

If you'd tried everything to sort out the issues in the relationship, ie counselling for you both individually and also as a couple, and there was nothing to do to help the relationship, then it is better for all involved to part.

I've seen the damage a bad relationship has done to children, they don't need to see that as a "normal functioning" relationship, both parents need to be happy.

As a friend once said to me, there are 3 people in a relationship, you, me and us. All 3 need to be happy, healthy and functioning for everything to work.

I've been in an non-functioning, abusive relationship (luckily no children) and the best thing was when that relationship ceased to be, I am a lot happier in myself, as a person now than I was during that time. Also the lessons I learnt from that relationship have helped me the relationships I had after that, I knew and had the strength to get out of relationships when they ceased to work (yes one of those relationships there were children and they didn't need to see the issues, they'd had enough when their parents broke up, that had emotionally/psychologically/physically damaged them enough).

Good luck with it all and I hope you make the right decision for everybody involved.

[briggsy's girl]

Really depends on the "why" - as has been said, if it was simply (HA, as if anything is simple!) because of a loss of attraction or the gloss had gone, i would put my all into trying to save it - both myself, and through counselling etc. But ultimately, happiness has to win out - kids know a lot more than we give them credit for

if it was an unhealthy relationship (abusive - physically or emotionally), i'd be gone. i grew up as a child in that sort of situation - mum was always scared and crying, we were petrified to speak half the time, i used to BEG my mum to leave so that we could all be happy. I'd not put a child through that

as to the attachment thing - if there is a situation where you can't live together, but your children are very attached to the other parent, why can't you arrange a generous shared care arrangement. your children will ultimately adapt and be happier if their parents are happier...

[Fleur]

Not quite in answer to the OP but still related - I have an Aunt & uncle who separated / divorced when their kids were still young (school age) and it was almost a year before any of their teachers knew what had happened.
The reason being, they had handled it so well, there was zero drama, no stress, no fuss. The kids stayed with whoever they felt like staying with that night, and each parent accomodated what the kids wanted & needed.
I don't know all the ins & outs of how it went (I was quite young) but I still remember it as a brilliant example of how it can be ok - unfortunately as adults we often get so caught up in our own emotional drama it's rarely just about what the kids need (and I am guilty of that myself).
But to me, it illustrates what Kelly said - it's usually what goes on around the separation or divorce that causes problems.