Opinions please... Mother & dating while in my house issue.

[*EJ*]

My mother is currently living in her caravan in our front yard.

Just a little background first... She broke up with her bf late last year and after that came to live with us. It was only going to be temporary as she intended on doing more travel. But getting a job didn't turn out like she thought it would, she spent all the money she had and became depressed (once again).

There was an agreement about bills but she kept holding off until she had an income, well 2.5 months later still no job and still no help with bills. I'm basicaly feeding her.

BUT at the same time she has helped me enormously with my children and juggling my young family. She makes dinner often, helps with the kids and i have been able to leave one or two sleeping with her while i dash out here and there. I appreciate that side of it so much and i have thanked her many times. As well as her doing it because she feels it's the right thing to do in the current situation i'd like to think she's also doing it because she wants to. To spend time with me and my family.

So anyway an issue has arose with her and dating. She has herself on internet dating sites and a few months ago met some guy. And within a week went and spent the weekend with him. Not too sure what happened there but she never talked about him again.

Then approx two weeks ago she has met someone else and has been completely won over by the man. Says he's a lovely guy a gentlemen and is just 'so happy'. I have no issue with this, i'm happy for her and it's nice to see she's happy and not locked away in her van crying.

But my issue is having this person come to my house. My mum has only just met him and they are still getting to know eachother surely. She knows my feelings on meeting these people because we've been through it once before. I first knew of the man last Sunday when she was going to have coffee. Then on Tuesday i was heading out and was told he was coming over and they were going to go out. But not to worry because she won't have him in the house. I get home that afternoon and his car is there, i open my front door and look out to my decking and the two of them are sitting there. I was not happy at all, i didn't put on an extremely warm reception but i was not rude. I was mostly upset about the fact that my mother had not asked me if i'd like to meet this person, he was there in my home and i had no choice. And even before my personal thoughts on it she gave me no choice but to have my children meet him.

It's brought out the protective mumma bear in me. I'm being protective for the sinister reasons that we hear about in the news nearly every day and because i don't want my children to have visions of men coming and going from their nan's life. If she wasn't in my home then this may not have had to have been such an issue but she is.

So i pretty much knew i had to talk to my mum. Because she brought him into the house a couple of times after that. I was avoiding it so much because we were getting along really quite well (can be a bit rocky sometimes) and i don't want to go backwards but i felt i had to say something for the sake of my kids. I can't feel uncomfortable about the situation but keep my mouth shut to keep the peace. I would feel like i'm doing myself and my kids an injustice.

So anyway i said something yesterday and she pretty much took it like i'd expect. She got all upset and has barely spoken or been around to speak to since.

I know that's extremely long winded and i thank you so much for reading this far if you have. But you kind of need to know a little of the background to know where i'm coming from.

Am i being unreasonable??? All i want is for her to get to know this guy herself first before she involves us. And i know our home is her home in a way at the moment but she has to consider where she is and who this is effecting.

I'm a very annalytical person and i look at situations from many different prospectives. Please feel free to let me know how you would deal with this situation.

ETA This is so strange. I keep thinking to myself how the times have changed and if i did this to my mother back in the day LOL

[LionsandBears]

Your house, your rules. I totally understand your reluctance to have strangers in your house before there's an established relationship, especially with kids around.

I suppose I look at it 2 other ways:
1) Assume you're housemates. What are the rules, with kids in the house, about bringing strange men home. Though if you were housemates, there'd be financial contributions etc. Are these matched with the babysitting services she provides?
2) Assuming you lived with her as a teenager - what were her rules? Could you bring boyfriends home? What were the boundaries?

How you handle it will influence the response (also how she manages her emotions). I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. The most important thing is your kids are safe and your personal space and privacy is protected. She can take time to get to know someone away from your house. But is it her house too? In which case, the rules need to be established.

[*EJ*]

Thanks tashybabe i think the mistake we made was that it wasn't discussed beforehand. It never crossed my mind that we'd need to. But having said that when she told me he was coming around but he would not come in the house she was in a way implying that maybe she understands that there is a boundry there!?

I see the other ways of looking at it and if we were housemates and evenly contributing then we'd have to discuss it and come to some kind of agreement. But when kids are involved their safety is priority surely!? Mum has provided babysitting and helped with the housekeeping and that is greatly appreciated so i do have guilt for even having to have said something to her and therefore probably coming across as unappreciative in her eyes but that's not the case. She has helped in the only way possible to her right now but like i said i hope she's enjoying it at the same time.

No.2 is a tricky one, my DH and i were dating when i was still living at home. After a while he was staying at our house regulary but when that happend we both paid rent and i'd like to think it didn't cause too much of a problem. Like i said it's so weird that the tables have turned in this way. I asked my parents if it was ok. DH and i started dating when i was 19 i think. Before that a bf never stayed at our house.

I tried to talk to her in a way that she wouldn't take it personaly that she'd just see that i'm trying to protect my family. She didn't really take it that way but that's how my mum is.

Thanks so much for your reply.

[~Jayne~]

Oh my goodness EJ - you have switched roles with your Mum!!! SHouldn't your mum be the responsible adult & if anybody is being rebellious - it should be the child in the relationship?

FWIW, I don't think you are being unreasonable AT ALL! If your Mum had her own place, then she could have men coming and going as much as she wanted. But she isn't. She's on your front lawn & you have 3 very impressionable Little People who are watching everything through very innocent eyes!

You would think as a grandmother she would want to be setting an example for her grandchildren? Surely you have no issues with seeing your Mum happy, what daughter doesn't want happiness & a bit of sunshine in their mum's life? Especially given that she is prone to depression, it's great to see somebody making her happy. BUT, I think she needs to conduct herself appropriately about it.

Letting you know that she was ready for you to meet her new man would be a good starting point!

I think you're a wonderful mother & daughter for being so concerned. As for your mum now avoiding you, isn't that what sullen teenagers are supposed to do? lol

Good luck! xx