Number 2... How'd you know that you were ready?

[Miss E]

Ok, so this is probably a bit of a strange question (or maybe not)... I guess I'm asking because DH and I had always (and still do) thought that it would be nice to have an age gap of about 3 years.

Well DS is 21 months now, so if we're going to do that, we should start TTC in the next few months.

But TBH I'm not 100% sure that I'm ready, or ever will be ready. When we decided to TTC DS I was 100% ready and couldn't wait to be a mum, and DH was the same. Now that number 2 is on the cards, I really, really want to have another baby, but I wonder how I'll cope and if I'll be able to enjoy it. I find that having a toddler is soooooo demanding, that I can't imagine how I would manage to juggle a toddler and a newborn. I want to be able to enjoy our next baby as much as I have enjoyed DS... But then the idea of two just seems like a lot of hard work in some ways (goodness that sounds awful!).

Then there is the part of me that thinks that by the time we get pregnant and go through the pregnancy, DS will be a lot older, be communicating much better and it could be easier than I anticipate... But at the same time, I don't want him to feel deserted when we have another baby.

And then there is my work. I'm back 3 days a week now and loving it. I'm getting to do some fabulous things and working at a much higher level than ever before - who would've thought maternity leave could be so good for your career? There is part of me that would feel bad announcing another pregnancy so soon after coming back... But on the flip side, family is far more important to me than career.

So, I've rambled a bit here. But I guess what I'm asking is when you decided to have number 2 (or 3 or 4) were you as confident in the decision as you were first time around? Is it completely unrealistic to expect to be in the same head space as the first time? Or is it normal to be a little apprehensive about how hard it will be given that you now know what parenting is all about?

[Miss.B]

Oh sweetie, big hugs it can be stressful just thinking about it!!! Hope you don't mind me jumping on here as I was just wondering the same thing lately and would love to hear others' opinions/experiences!

B xoxo

[Traveller]

Honestly, my husband and I always agreed we would start TTC #2 as soon as #1 was born, and when it came to the crunch I was so overwhelmed with motherhood and trying to put on a façade of coping that I couldn't admit I wasn't ready, so we started TTC when DS1 was 6 weeks. If I had been stronger I would have told him I had changed my mind, but in retrospect it worked really well for us. With the twins I was ready and as keen as I had been when TTC #1.

There is no right time to have another child. There is not even a need to have another if you are happy with your family as it is. As for how you will cope with a toddler and a newborn, it is easier than you might think but it is tiring and it does mean a bigger chunk of your worklife will be put off. Not an easy decision, I hope you find the answer you are looking for xx

[shellbell3]

For me I just felt ready, we were thinking 3 year gap but then it was earlier that I just felt yep Im ready to go again. And now after having 2 I have the opposite feeling I just know now 2 is it for me I'm happy just like this. I just followed what my feelings told me.

[starangelk]

For us it was more of a logical decision than an emotional one to be honest. DD was 6 months old, DH feels like he is going to be an older Dad already (this is just his personal feeling) and right now I have a wonderful team of staff who I completely trust. If I wait 1 or 2 years who's to say those fab staff aren't going to be having babies of their own and taking leave or have moved on? Of course we also wanted a sister or brother for DD and figured we'd just jump right in and hope for the best

[Miss E]

Thanks ladies... It's such a hard decision to make. In my heart I am aching for another child, I look enviously at other women who are pregnant and long to bring another life into this world. I want DS to have a sibling.

But that's where I get stuck. In my heart I know that DH and I really want another baby and I don't think our family would feel complete down the track if we don't. But, I am a control freak and a perfectionist. When we decide to TTC conceive DS I knew I was ready for motherhood, that I could handle whatever it through at me, and TBH I think DH and I have done a great job so far. But when it comes to making that big decision to actually start TTC number 2, my heart says yes! yes! yes! but my head says 'how will you manage?'. We have very little family support, DH's family is overseas and I only really have my Dad who is incredibly busy.

And, as DS gets older I think I get more and more concerned about coping with two. I hate using this term, but DS was a really easy baby, the first year was a breeze. He was my complete focus and I put all of my time and energy into him. But as he has become a toddler, it has become more challenging for me. Then when I think about catering to his needs along with the needs of a helpless newborn, I can't help but feel that there will be times that one of them will suffer because I will have to prioritise the others needs iykwim? I know that that is all part and parcel of having more than one child, but then I wonder if I would feel like a failure because I won't be able to be the 'perfect' mother to both of them all the time.

So, part of me thinks I should just follow my heart and be prepared for whatever happens, but then there is that other side of me that wonders 'are you biting off more than you can chew'.

[Indi]

We had just reached a point where we were starting to talk about number two when I found out he was already on the way. I think your on the right track by following your feelings and talking with your partner about things. If your really wanting to start ttc you can always take a few months and to ready your body with diet etc. That way you still active about getting pregnant but can have a little more mental space to sort your emotions out.

[sconeonamission]

DH never even wanted kids! DS was a surprise! I have always wanted 2 kids. I come from a family of 2 kids (as does DH), and I've always wanted to have two kids. I resigned myself to only having DS coz DH was always so adamant we were only having one. I just dreamed of having two, would throw names at him jic, had picked out a boys name, and a girls name (however, not the one we ended up using!). I started uni last year, and told DH that I'd like to wait to TTC #2 until after I finish uni (in 3 years - so there'd be a 6yr age gap if all went well). Surprise surprise! Found out we were pg in 2nd semester of uni.

DD is only 2 weeks old, but I reckon by the time she was 4 days old, I was ready to go again! lol

[deletedit]

How did I know? Well, the contraceptive failed lol

Of course now I have a boy/girl pair at roughly the same spacing and roughly the same time as quite a few other people I know, so I'm sure the world at large thinks #2 and #3 were planned. The world at large was asking me "when are you going to have another one" a lot at that point.

Noone asks that anymore

[M22]

well, i wasn't ready at all i knew i would have trouble ttc a so went straight to ob to get clomid and wall-aa first time and miss 1 was born, so we didnt try to hard and it just happen. there are 21 months between my kids

[ashie]

i knew we were making the right decision, DS1 had dh scared as bieng our first he had never really had much to do with babies but it all come natural to him (except i was drugged up on epidural for a few days and when we were allowed home dh was putting disposable nappies on backwards! he thought thats how they went, bless him).
DS2 was not long after and he just fell into place IYKWIM, once he was born it felt like he had always been here with us.
we recently just had DS3 and its the same cannot remember what life was like before he was here just feels right and he always been here with us too.
we are not the most organised family though, we run abit behind schedule, and also dh and i are just very laid back (except when the older two are naughy we keep ontop of their behaviour) we always take life as it comes, more kids means more mess but i tell dh i can be a clean freak once they start school lol. days consisting of messy foods (Ds2 sandwich ends up all around his face) and lots of mummy i've dont poo's! but i love all the cuddles and kisses they give me, DS1 like to try and play hairdressers (he just messes up my hair) and DS1 is accident prone lots of falls and scares me alot. our newest bub oh i say everyday on how much beauty he has, and i love seeing all these newborn firsts being at home with them we never miss a thing!

[Life is Good]

How did I know we were ready? When I stopped having nightmares that I had fallen pregnant. Seriously. I found things were so hard for me with DS (and having no help) at the start that my number 1 fear was falling pregnant again Then that fear subsided and it got to the stage where I worried less about contraception and started thinking to myself that I would be fine if I fell pregnant now. On the flipside, we have always wanted only two children and, in all honesty, I thought "why prolong the nappy and toddler phase for longer than necessary". We were having 2 kids and I figured why not just do it, seeing we took a while to fall pregnant with DS and that we have early menopause running in the family. Work concerns came into the decision in so far as the longer I spread out having kids, the longer it would take for me to go back to work (my intention has always been to be a full-time mum until they went to school and now they will only be 1 year apart when they start). I think that if I was 25 when I had my first child, I would definitely have intended to have a larger gap (3 years is great and I do believe that a three year gap can have really great developmental benefits for both children IMO). Best of luck with your decision - you will know when the time is right.

ETA: But yes, I am freaking out about bringing a baby home in two weeks time with a 21 month old toddler...

[deletedit]

ETA: But yes, I am freaking out about bringing a baby home in two weeks time with a 21 month old toddler...

Toddlers LOVE babies. Your biggest worry will be having the baby dragged off and put in a box somewhere. Which is a legitimate worry, sure. First thing our toddler tried to do with the baby was feed him some hot chips when we said he was hungry. He was less than a day old ...

The programming to love babies seems to wear off at about 4. I take a baby to playgroup and I get swarmed by all the toddlers wanting to get a piece of baby action

[BekZ]

I don't know a mum who doesn't worry about how she'll cope with a baby and toddler. I found my first baby the biggest adjustment period of my life but at the same time I couldn't wait to be a mum. Then I got pregnant with twins when DD was 4 months old and I lost those babies. After that I knew I got really clucky but I wasn't quite ready. Then DD reached 1yo and I was super clucky, all logical reasoning like me going back to work was put on the back burner because I had the urge. We fell pregnant instantly but we lost that baby too. I was shattered and couldn't imagine DD not having a sibling. Thankfully I fell pregnant with DD2, 2 weeks after we lost our baby at 12 weeks. She stuck and was born when DD1 was 2years old. I was very anxious about handling the 2 little ones and to be honest the first 3 months were hard but we got our groove and I loved having 2. Then I got the urge again when DD2 was 9 months old. We decided that we would ttc and allow for a miscarraige or 2!! Well DD3 stuck and we had 3 under 4!! Now 21 months down the track we are in talks again but it all seems to hard this time. I would love another bub but there are so many factors to consider, despite all the factors I still have the itch!!!

When I had DD1 I was determined to be the "perfect" mum and her every need was always catered for instantly. Whilst pregnant with DD2 I feared not being 100% available for DD1 and I wanted to give DD2 the same attention that DD1 received. I actually struggled with this concept after DD2 arrived, until I learnt to let go a little bit. I begun to realise that DD1 was ready to be a little independant and by making her wait whilst I fed the baby was actually a very good life lesson for her. She also learnt to share and take turns, yet another great life lesson. I often felt bad for DD2 because I didn't play with her as much but she had a sister to play with and teach her things too. The same goes for number 3, I don't play with her or fuss over her like I did DD1 but her life is rich because her siblings play and learn from.

Oh yes I also realised that people don't fuss over you with second and third pregnancies either. I loved being pregnant with DD1 because it was new to my hubby and family. I got a little bit spoilt with foot massages, sleepins and dinner made for me. By the time number 3 came along all that sort of pampering was long gone

I think you know when the time is right. It is all you can think about and things like work, holidays, money just don't seem as important because quite honestly you can get around things like that iykwim. Good luck sweets and I hope to see a pregnancy announcement soon xxoo

[mzcatieboo]

DS & DD are 3 yrs apart, i wanted DD even though i wasn't sure how i'd cope.. but we made do.. now i have an unplanned DS2 on the way and DD turns 1 this coming Friday there will be 16 months between her & bubs.. that im not sure i will be able to handle BUT we will make do.. if you REALLY want another baby you will find a way to make it work xx

[thrilled82]

Think I am in a similar boat to Miss E ... thanks for posting this.

We have been overwhelmed with DD. She has been a hard, unsettled and difficult baby from day one and I am not sure it's in me to do it all over again.
People have been telling me not to have a second baby until you are ready and actively "want" another baby, and well, at the moment I can honestly say I don't want another baby. I am exhausted and most days mentally spent just having one to worry about.
I have found every stage challenging and hard, people keep saying it gets easier as they get older - well, I haven't found this to be true. Perhaps this is a reflection on my capabilities as opposed to DD's beahviour/personality. In a way, I feel that by considering an only child family I am being realistic about my limitations and capabilities as a mother. I feel that I can be a good Mum to one, but maybe not such a level-headed or likeable Mum to more then one.

Hmmm ... maybe I've just had another rough day and will feel differently about this tomorrow.
I have days where I think 'Of course we will have another, DD needs a sibling' but then other days I have myself convinced that an only child is the wisest choice for our family. DH supports me either way, he wants this to be my call and has said he would be happy with one or more.

I know I don't have to make up my mind now, I do have a bit of time on my side. However I always thought that if we were going to have two kids, we'd be trying by now - I always envisaged a 2 year age gap. Perhaps this is going to be open conversation for the next few years ... but it certainly feels better to chat to some of you about it.

[Miss E]

Thanks for all your replies ladies, it really helps hearing everyone elses perspectives.

Thrilled try not to stress too much about it, I felt exactly the same when DS was that age, now as he gets older I'm warming more and more to the idea and the more I think about it (which is a lot right now) the better equipped I feel.

MZ - too true, you make it work whatever life throws at you.

Bekz, thanks for sharing, the fear of not being the 'perfect' mum is what scares me most, but you've really helped to put it in perspective.

Life is good and Rumpled elf, that is really interesting about the love of babies wearing off, I've never come across that before, must admit it makes me even keener to start TTC soon. Lg, good luck with your birth!

Thanks for sharing ashie.

Just to update DH and I are thinking we will start TTC in a couple of months when DS turns two. He is developing so fast at the moment and that is giving me more and more confidence that by the time we fall pregnant and have the baby he will be in a great place and it won't be as hard as I fear it will be. Thanks everyone x

[fionas]

It was hard because DD1 was an easy baby but it took me a long time to physically recover from the pregnancy/birth (long story which I won't bore you with). Then when she was a toddler, my goodness she was a terror and I too wondered about how I'd cope. The pregnancy with DD2 was awful because of my physical problems (couldn't walk, housebound for six months basically) and the fact that DD1 who was in full tantrum mode was housebound too. Added to that, we had a lot going on generally - buying/selling a house and 16-year-old DSD going off the rails so I worried myself silly about how I would cope with DD2.

But things change - they really do. We moved house, physically I'm a lot, lot better than first time around and DD1 is a bit older, bit (I emphasise 'bit') more sensible. And despite the fact that DD2 is nowhere near as easy a baby as DD1, it's all worked out brilliantly.

My age kind of helped otherwise I probably would have secondguessed myself for a lot longer, but I knew I didn't have the luxury of time to do that from a fertility perspective.

If it wasn't for the fact that I have physically rotten pregnancies which apart from being a complete pain, make it v difficult to actually practically look after children, then I'd be trying for no.3 right now.