DS1 was a terrible sleeper. Although he's improved a lot this last year, we still have issues. I'm not sure if it's because of our gentle parenting or if it's just the way he is. DH and I basically decided it was easier to accept his sleep patterns rather than try to change them and remain so stressed about it. We do still struggle though.
So with DS2 I'm finding myself wondering if our gentle parenting will get us into another sleep mess. DS2 is not quite 2 weeks old and I'm finding myself anxious about him not self-settling yet and us holding him until he's fallen asleep. I know - he's only 2 weeks old right???
We know in our hearts that being gentle with babies and children is right for us but at the same time I need some reassurance that gentle parents do get sleep, do have children that naturally find a rhythm and naturally end up self-settling.
I hate feeling like this - I just want to enjoy these precious moments but I'm finding it hard not to wonder if we're doing the wrong thing this time around.
BabyMama - congrats on your new arrival!
It's totally normal for babies to need help with settling. Are you an ABA member? The latest essence mag has a great article on this - did you know that around a third of children still wake in the night and need help to settle up to the age of 4?
DS now goes to bed a very happy little man - no tears, no tantrums, he actually looks forward to bedtime - and yes, he goes to sleep on his own and usually sleeps through. It took a lot of time and effort, but we helped him to learn to soothe himself. Gentle parenting doesn't make your baby a bad sleeper. Your baby will either be good or bad, there's not much you can do about that. If you want you can ignore him and he'll learn to give up and not cry for you. That might lead to him sleeping 'better', it may not fit in with your long term goals as a parent, however.
Give your baby what he needs, and it will all work out in the long run.
Something I try to remember amid the sleeplessness - I do not judge myself on how my baby sleeps. My goal as a parent is to raise a healthy, sensitive, considerate, well-adjusted adult, who is a productive member of socieity, and who, ultimately, will be a good parent to their children. How important is sleeping through/self settling is achieving this....? Doesn't even rate does it? (Don't get me wrong, I'd like to sleep more...)
With my twins we did it all gentle parenting, controlled crying the lot! Ds1 was and still is a bad sleeper but we have given in and let him sleep with us ds2 learnt to self settle on his own and sleeps in his own bed most nights. Ds3 has being my dream baby and I didn't have to do a thing! He was rocked to sleep until around 9 months when he just refused and learnt to self settle. So I guess what I am saying is every baby is different so try not to stress and go with the flow!
Yep 2 weeks old is still teeny tiny!!! We have done the exact same things with DD#1 and DD#2 and already i am seeing BIG differences. Gentle parenting will not create a bad sleeper IMO - DD#1 was and still is a bad sleeper, never self settled, only had cat naps, feed really frequently etc etc... DD#2 is almost 8 weeks old and sleeps totally differently, she is always awake when i put her down, purely because she has reflux and burping issues and as a result never has that sleepy milk drunk look and doesnt feed the same - in the last 2 weeks she has started to self settle herself at night time, i was totally prepared to pick her up several times and stay with her to pat her off to sleep, but DD#1 called out and so i went to see what she wanted and then went back to DD#2 and she was asleep - so i decided to see if it would happen again, and it did... DD#1 would have been crying if it had of happened to here.
Trust yourself. All kids are not created equal some are good sleepers, some are not, same with feeding, food, toileting etc etc etc The other thing to remember is things change so quickly in a matter of days and weeks with children, so just because they are doing something this week, does not mean that they will do the same the next.
i think ultimately you have to be true to yourself & what you believe in. if you believe in gentle parenting & use other methods that you don't agree with/like as much, then i think you'll end up losing as much sleep, if not more! it seems that they all sleep however they're programmed to & there's not much you can do unless you really force the issue.
my DS isn't there yet but i've noticed gradual improvements as we've gone along & i'm so proud we've managed to even get this far whilst using methods we genuinely believe in. i know it's tough when you neeeed more sleep, but feel proud that you & your DH have struggled through the toughest part.
i hope your DS2 turns out to be an awesome sleeper!
I've been a gentle parent since 2006. DS was not a 'good' sleeper (I'm sure he was fine with it, it just wasn't convenient for us and convenience isn't why we had kids!) and DD is, by conventional wisdom, a good sleeper. I'm sure that as well as co-sleeping and snuggling and feeding to sleep that doing Elimination Communication with her helped immensely, too, because she'd be dry after doing a wee, instead of being in a wet nappy.
It's the child, and if they're not going to sleep when you want them to, what are you going to do? Force a square peg into a round hole through other methods that serve to create more angst and little by way of actual solution (unless you call heightened cortisol levels and helplessness a 'solution' ).
The parenting caper is about guiding our kids to adolescence safely, with trust and compassion. IMO, anyway. I love that I haven't wasted many opportunities for snuggles - DS is at kinder now and is far too busy for random snuggles these days!
I was like you in the beginning with DD2. My DD1 was an absolutely horrible sleeper for over a year. I thought I would try and create good sleep habits with DD2 from the start and had great ideas about her not getting rocked to sleep and learning to self-settle etc. Yeah right! I kept getting frustrated when she needed to be rocked and I couldn't get her to sleep and then I realised I wasn't frustrated with how she was sleeping, that wasn't hard to deal with because she sleeps better than DD1 did, I was actually just petrified every time she had a bad day that she was turning into DD1 and I was going to have all the sleep issues I had with her again. I had to just decide to let go and not worry about it. After all, we got through it with DD1 and we could do it again if we had too. And all of the positive things about gentle parenting far outweigh any lack of sleep for a year or so. So once I realised this I just gave up and went with it and trusted my instincts again and we've all been much happier since. She's not a great sleeper but she's better than DD1 was. She even sometimes self-settles which amazes me because DD1 didn't do this until close to 2yrs old.
So my advice, like everyone else, is just to stay true to what you believe in, go with the flow, and try not to worry
The girls above have given great advice.
I'm also a massive gentle parenting advocate, and I have a pretty good sleeper. He goes to bed at 7pm every night, is asleep within 5-10 mins and these days rarely wakes through the night. He is an early waker though (5am is pretty common), but the consistent bedtime is the trade off against the early mornings. I still cuddle DS to sleep as a 2yo - well I lay next to him with my arm around him. It works for us, I enjoy it and he is content and goes to sleep with ease this way. So yes - gentle parenting = good sleepers too. As a young baby he'd B/f approx 3 hourly, and as an older baby had 1-2 feeds overnight, but after about 6 weeks when he worked out day vs night, he would go straight back to sleep after a feed.
I don't think that gentle parenting encourages poor sleeping, in fact I believe it promotes the opposite so trust in your instincts. I think when you go against them is when you struggle as a parent
Just coming in to say congratulations on your new arrival and to encourage you to trust your instincts. Babies thrive on contact with their parents and they don't have the capacity to soothe themselves yet. SOME babies seem better at switching off than others. DS is an example of this, he is able to just nod off to sleep on the change table etc, but DD would NEVER do this...on the flip side, DD loved noise and attention, wheras DS likes it slow and quiet (so he is harder to take out).
All children are different and each child tells you how they need to be parented. Why not relax and get to know your little one first? They call the first 12 weeks the fourth trimester, because babies need constant feeding and close contact.
Good luck, and enjoy falling in love with your little one! My DS is only 7.5 weeks and I am already missing those early, early days *sigh*
OK, so I am not a 'gentle' parenter (I am a more do whatever happens to work kind of parent).
Just thought I would share that in my experience, a child's sleeping patterns very much depend on the individual child. Being a gentle parent will not cause your baby to be a bad sleeper. I have three very different children, all with three very different sleeping patterns. One of them is an atrocious sleeper. Always has been. The only way any of us ever get any sleep at all with him is to follow his lead.
Thank you all for your stories and support. I know deep down we're doing the right thing - for ourselves and for our children. My DH and I both have worked with abused and traumatised children so we know the importance of developing strong attachments and fostering positive relationships in the early years. I think I'm just overthinking things and need to remember (as you've all said) that each child is different no matter what we do. Gentle parenting doesn't make bad sleepers. And even if DS2 ends up being a 'bad' sleeper we've been through it with our DS1.
I'll try to just let it all go and enjoy these moments
Scared to parent gently the second time around...
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i hope your DS2 turns out to be an awesome sleeper!
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