So How Do I Live Peacefully With My Two-Year-Old?

[Heaven]

So How Do I Live Peacefully With My Two-Year-Old?




Two and a half is an interesting age; there are ages of “disequilibrium” that occur before this, yet in our society we often hear about “the terrible two’s” as if this is the only stage of disequilibrium on the path to the teenaged years. I have had many parents tell me they felt two- and- a -half was more challenging, but I have also heard many attached parents say they felt like two was not that bad and that three –and- a- half or four was much more challenging! (That’s not much comfort if you are feeling out of sorts with your precious two-year-old, though, is it?)
So, how does one live peacefully with a two-year-old?
I think the first thing one must do is to become very clear with one’s view of the small child and of what gentle discipline means to you and to your family. I have many, many posts about that on this blog.
As always, it really does begin with you. You must get as absolutely centered as possible yourself because if you feel like you are going to lose it every time your two-year-old does, it is going to be a long year indeed, unfortunately. A two-year-old has a complete excess of emotion and impulses; they can’t regulate it at all. Think of yourself as a sponge that sponges up all that excess emotion; yes, it is exhausting and draining but it is part of parenting. So some kind of inner work for yourself where you build up your own life forces, for lack of a better term (in Waldorf we would call this building up the etheric) is a priority; artistic work is especially good. Can you make it a priority to paint, draw, sculpt, craft for several times a week for half an hour? It really does help!
Also, get your support in a row. Do you have other like-minded parents around you? Not ones that will say, “Oh my, that two-year-old is manipulating you!” but ones that understand what a two-year-old is really about; ones that can help you brainstorm ideas from a loving and warm perspective!
As far as guidance, two-year-olds cannot read non-verbal gestures well in terms of “I am frowning at you and crossing my arms because I am getting angry with your behavior!” In fact, a two year old is imitative at best and may just frown back at you or do whatever it is that you are doing at the moment because they are imitating you and really have no idea that you are angry. Some mothers have told me their two-year-old laughs when they are angry. This is NOT a defiant, I-am-so-glad-to-see-you-angry- laugh, this is because they understand something about your emotions are different, but again, they don’t really know what to do or how to fix it. Think of this as their way of showing insecurity in the situation if that helps you re-frame it!
So, looking at how you view anger is very important. What will you do in the heat of the moment? What is your plan? And what tools are you going to use to help guide your small child instead of yelling or scowling or what have you?


So, in brief, here are your allies and your tools for peaceful living outside of your own work on gentle discipline and anger:

• CONNECTION – enjoying being together; nursing, co-sleeping, holding on your lap, still carrying in a sling, playing games, sharing warm meals. If four is a good age for sitting on laps, it is important to recognize how really tiny two is! Connect first!
• Rhythm, rhythm, rhythm – meal times and rest times are most important (and part of being able to go to bed and rest is having a consistent time for waking up every day)
• Singing and verses more than direct commands; do not ask questions that will be answered NO! Hum, sing, promote silence, but please stop with the endless barrage of questions. You can show warmth and love through smiles, pats on the back, hugs, laughter – not just words!
• Talking pictorially and working through a child’s body in an imaginative way.
• You taking a few breaths and getting some SPACE before you react!
• Distraction and re-direction
• You cannot be afraid to pick up a screaming, tantruming child. The two-year-old may very well need your gentle hands to come back into himself – see the “Time-in For Tinies” post I mentioned above as to more tips for handling temper tantrums.
• Lots of outside time – get that energy out; pushing, pulling, squatting,
• Sensory play – water, sand, mud
• No choices, or very few. It is really hard for a two-year-old to make a choice, even a small one and then inevitably the choice is made and then they want the other thing….meltdown. Please don’t put them in that position!
• Please try to run errands by yourself if you can. This in itself alleviates so many problems.
• Avoid expecting that it will be “a good day” if your two-year-old does not melt down; re-frame your expectations for your day in how well you de-escalated things! And please do forgive yourself! We are on a path and a journey and striving! I spoke a lot about this in my talk regarding the first seven years on The Waldorf Channel.
• Do not expect a two-year-old to share well or to patiently wait or to be quiet whilst a younger sibling sleeps for two hours!
• Guide your child as to what your family needs as a whole;
• Do not feel hurt if you are not preferred parent of the week! It is not personal!
• Try to enjoy this age! It really is tiny and precious!

I just read this and it gave me a few reminders I needed at the moment, especially 'Do not expect a two-year-old to share well or to patiently wait or to be quiet whilst a younger sibling sleeps for two hours!' Must remember, she is actually still a baby too.

So thought I'd share in case it helped anyone else too

[ladybirdflies]

Hi Heaven, what book did you take this from? Sounds like it is Anthroposophic?

[Charlotte91]

Good post, Heaven!!

[Heaven]

Oh sorry, meant to put in that it's from this blog.

[Sterla]

Thanks for posting Heaven - definitely a good reminder .

[Calluna]

Great post- I disagree with not giving them choices though. Isaac is much happier to get dressed in the morning or eat his fruit if I let him choose from two options. Maybe that's unusual?

[Sterla]

I think it's about limiting their choice. Choosing from two options rather than asking them "what would you like for lunch?" or "what would you like to wear today?"

Every child is different though of course!

[Kazzo]

Have to get my DH to read this. I am constantly reminding him to that DD1 is still a baby and stop expecting her to act like a grown up just because he wants her to. Thanks so much for posting this.

[sloane]

i needed that, thank you heaven even though DS isn't quite 2 yet, i've been talking about the 'terrible twos' coming early & i have had to try & remind myself that i'm making it a negative time. i read pinky's toddler tactics & i loved one part where she said try to slow down & see how exciting the world is from their eyes - so i try not to drag or hurry him along when he's walking over lines in the car park & that sort of thing.

i felt bad recently because it seems like my DS is the only one at playgroup who wants me to be out there playing with him while all the others let their mum's sit down & play by themselves. but really, i should be happy & proud that my little man loves having me around - it's not going to last i'm guessing

[Kazzo]

i felt bad recently because it seems like my DS is the only one at playgroup who wants me to be out there playing with him while all the others let their mum's sit down & play by themselves. but really, i should be happy & proud that my little man loves having me around - it's not going to last i'm guessing

I had this thought the other day too. I take DD's to the park a few times a week. I always see other mums in groups with their kids but they are all sitting around talking while their kids play. At first I felt a bit jealous. It was only a few seconds though because I thought I would rather be going down the slide, playing hide and seek or throwing piles of leaves around with my girls.

[Fleur]

Love it! Thanks Heaven

[Calluna]

Oh ok, I get it. Lol

[jackrose]

Heaven, we are so on the same page right now. Just last night I found very similar information about the disequilibrium children go through at the 'half' age and it saved my sanity.

I have just been though the ringer with my 3-and-a-half year old for the past few months and was just about to pull my hair out when I came across the writings of Laura Bates Ames who explores the challenges of behaviour that come about at the half mark and it really hit home for me. I remember back to when DD was 2-and-a-half and she was an absolute handful for a bit then went back to her 'usual' lovely self. Three was a breeze then we hit the recent 3.5. Your post is very timely for me as a mother of a generally delightful but sometimes (read every 'half year mark') challenging child!

The info I found is on the planning with kids blog, here for 2-and-a-half and here for 3-and-a-half

[I seriously read the list of behaviours for the 3yos and then looked over my shoulder to check that someone hadn't been watching my 3yo behaving. It was spooky how spot on it was right down to the sudden start of chewing clothes!]