Narcissism in Non Parent Relationships

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Righty, I thought this thread would be handy for those affected by a friend/relative with NPD who is NOT a parent or guardian.

For me, it's my sister. After reading the other threads, I've almost positive she has NPD. It just makes so much sense, y'know? She drives me absolutely insane - which isn't really hard to do, I'm mostly insane anyway

Time and time again, things will go wrong in her life, and it is NEVER her own fault. My suspicions were recently confirmed that she is quite a liar, she tells whoever she's talking to what she thinks they wanna hear, as long as it doesn't get her in trouble. And I honestly think she believes her own lies!

I've tried SO hard to help her when she needed it. One example; not long after she got married, she rang me and asked if she could stay with us for a while. The story was, her husband's friend was causing trouble between them, and was causing her husband to be nasty to her etc. She came to our house, and stayed for about a week. The only thing we asked was that she not smoke in the house, and she not tell her husband our address or have anyone else over while we were at work.

The day she left, she rang me just as I was going into a docs appointment. She wanted to let me know that her husband was picking her up to take her to the police station, because she had asked a male friend to take intimate pics of her for her husband (don't even say it, I know ), and he assaulted her. I said I would cancel my appointment and come straight to her, but she insisted that she wanted her husband to take her.

She didn't contact me again for 3 weeks. She'd left some clothes at our house, so we ended up dropping them back to her - she wouldn't come out, she made her husband get the stuff from the car. She wouldn't answer my calls, she wouldn't answer my emails, she removed me from FB. Then I got a call from our cousin, asking me how I could be so heartless. Apparently she'd told the rest of the family that I had kicked her out, and had refused to take her to the police station when she begged me. Later I found out that she'd told her husband that I'd taken her to the police, so that he wouldn't take her. I don't even know what REALLY happened that day, whether she decided to have a fling, or was really assaulted, or even if she had anyone over at all.

If you asked her about it now, she would firmly insist it happened as she said. For SO long, I've run myself ragged trying to make it up to her, trying to make it better and always be there for her. But time and time again I find out that I've been scammed, I've been fighting for something that was a figment of her imagination and won't be remembered by her.

Every now and then she contacts me again, and acts like we just spoke yesterday. I've basically cut contact with her, because she's waging her own little war on our parents and I won't help her do it. But she's invited us to her anniversary lunch. And I feel awful, because I know none of her immediate family are going - no sisters, no parents. I feel like scum for not going, but I don't think I have the strength to go and be accused by her other family and friends for made up offences.

I need a dramatic, Scarlett O'Hara hand to the brow emoticon.

C'mon ladies, tell me I'm not the only one and that I'm not insane

[Arcadia]

that sounds like an awful situation she put you in. I am only really just understanding narcissism but I can't say I have ever really known anyone with it.

I hope you get people sharing their experiences though.

[RhiChiChi]

Whoa, your sister sounds full on. I don't understand NPD, but have read the other thread and feel so terrible (?) that people are like this and treat others like it.
I was going to post about an IL but I won't for fear of a relative being on here & me not knowing

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Unfortunately, that's only 1 example Now that I can step back and see she has a problem, aaaaall of the other examples pop up. What's interesting is that she wasn't like it when she was growing up, it's only been since she was 16 or so. She was always a very nice little girl, friendly. She's the baby of the family, so perhaps she got all the attention she wanted from that? I don't really know. It'd be interesting to find out what triggers NPD, whether people are born with it or something happens later on that causes it.

Thanks for your replies ladies

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Looking at it, I would say my mother's little brother also has it (you've heard me rant about him before, Keike). I recall noticing little things that I can now link with NPD starting to surface when he was about 17-18, but that's when I can pinpoint it. I was 9, so could have missed stuff before that.

DH is no contact with him and his family, I have told my mother I don't want to see them and they don't contact me so it's just finding out when she's invited them over when I'm there and going out when they're around. Guess that means I'm no contact too, I just haven't ever formalised it as DH has.

[STARRYSKY]

I'm am almost 100% sure my brother has a narcisistic personality disorder, (I also suspect my mum does to some degree) He is a compulsive liar, it's like he just can't help himself! even when blatantly caught out he will deny to the death, also everything is ALWAYS someone elses fault.
I could give you examples but there are just too, too many to pick one right now.
He has lived with my parents for most of his life (has only just moved out now at 27 years of age) he has a 6 year old to a girl (that he cheated on his GF at the time with) he denied paternity throughout her whole pregancy, it was only after my mum paid for the DNA test that he finally relented that yes, the boy was his.
I have spent many hours consoling and listening to his various GF's cry and rant about what a cheat he is, messages found in his phone, not coming home at night, etc, etc..not to mention the STD's he spreads around (ewww)
I have "let him go" to a degree, I had to, I have my own life and family to worry about, I can't be his big sister trying to help him out and put him on the right path forever.
My parents are enablers, they have enabled him to continue on the way he has started for many years now, bailing him out of all sticky situations, paying his bills, buying him cars after he smashes yet another one. He doesnt even look after his son when its his weekend, He goes to my Parents (my parents are at fault here, they don't trust that he is mature enough to look after his own child, even though he is now 6 the pattern has been set)
and yet, my brother sees my parents as the reason his life is ****, everything is their fault, always.
urghh...it still makes me feel sick to bring it all up.

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Ooh, I'm glad you ladies have posted as well, makes me feel less of a complainer

So, the lunch was yesterday. As expected, none of her immediate family went. Our cousin took her kids, and one of our uncles went as well. Then the cousin put the following status on FB -

I don't understand some families these days... It does make me appreciate my family even more... Even though they have been disappointed with some of my decisions in life they are always there with love and support... If I organise an event and they are in the area they would come and support me and my children... Love you all and thank you....

So I replied (stupidly) -

Unfortunately some people decide that their families have caused all of their troubles and then completely cut them off and try to get other family members to take sides when they only have 1 side of the story. I'm sure that anyone in that position would prefer to be spoken to, as opposed to having passive aggressive Facebook messages written about them.

And she just came back with the standard 'oh it's not about you it's about someone else, if you wanna think it's aimed at you go ahead'. Then my sister messaged Mum and made some comment about them not going.

I'm so angry that our cousin has just fallen for her lies and not even bothered to ask us about it. I'm angry that C is making it OUR fault for not going, when she's been clear enough that she wants nothing to do with us. And I'm angry at myself for letting it upset me enough to play into her games!

It's set my anxiety off again, I've got some nice claw marks on my arm to show for it. In some ways, I don't like thinking she has NPD, because if she does, there's no fixing it. I'll never have a proper sister relationship with her again

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

But why would you want a proper sister relationship with someone who is so cruel about you? You have other sisters to enjoy, right?

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Yep, I have 2 other sisters. I don't know, maybe it's an eldest v youngest thing. I just wish she could see what she's doing and....just be nice!

PS - Professor just got a kick out of your new sig, and is currently explaining it to me

[Charlotte91]

I'll join. My MIL has NPD. Diagnosed by me.
Check out my latest vent in the Punching Bag room if you want to know the lastest story. There's actually a few vents about her in there, lol.

She's soooo annoying.
Check out my vent!!