How do you handle it when your child doesn't want another sibling???

[~mamaspice~]

I would dearly love to add just one more to our little family, but our DD (nearly 4) is very adamant that she doesn't want another baby brother or sister.
Over the last few months now I've periodically asked her whether she'd like another little brother or a sister. Or I say things like, wouldn't it be cool if we had 3 kids in the family, and she always says "no, just 2" and gets quite worked up about it.
I know it must have been a huge adjustment for her when DS came along as she'd been an only child for 3 years, but I've always tried to make sure I have special time just with her too. She is a very routine and set in her ways kid. (we are currently on the diagnosis trail as it's suspected she has aspergers) and I'm afraid of how she'll cope if we do have one more bubba.

Any suggestions on how I can handle this? Help!

[RhiChiChi]

I don't have any suggestions Muma Spice, but it must be a very difficult decision to make. Do you know when your DD will have her diagnosis? That might make it somewhat easier to make a decision, particularly if you are deciding to TTC # 3 b/c then you will know what sort of path to take in getting your DD ready for a new addition to the family. Perhaps some of the parents of spectrum children will pop and and give you some advice. All the best

[~mamaspice~]

Thanks Rhichichi,

It IS a hard decision. She had no aversions at all when DS was coming along, but I guess now she knows what it all means So it's hard to know whether this is just a phase or whether it could end up being a very difficult thing. If she IS on the spectrum, it's the very high functioning end. She is like a normal kid in many ways, but has her quirks ITMS. And ticks too many of the boxes to rule out aspergers. At the very least she has sensory sensitivities. We have our first proper appointment with a paed at the Child development and Behavoiural clinic next month so we'll take it from there.

Would LOVE some idea's from other spectrum mums though.

[Arimeh]

I don't have any real advice, but both DS and dd1 would randomly tell me throughout my pregnancy that they didn't want another sibling. Too late by then!! Lol

But even if they had expressed it before that, well, they are kids who change their mind every second of the day so I wouldn't put the fate of my family planning in their young hands - ITMS?

Fwiw - all the kids love dd3 and now fight over whose turn it is to hold her. So I'm sure if you had another baby, she would love him/her just as much as her current sibling. Just my 2c anyway!!!

[~mamaspice~]

Thanks Mel, very true. She is not even 4 years old after all.

[~mamaspice~]

Actually, how did DS and DD1 actually react after DD2 was born Mel?

[Arimeh]

Actually, how did DS and DD1 actually react after DD2 was born Mel?

Bout the same way? DD1 has always been very mothering and affectionate - even at 16 months old. DS doesn't have that much to do with them at first, other than wanting to hold them, but he gets over the moon and has the biggest smile if the newborn smiles at him. He loves it.

(secretly, I think it makes him feel really special that he can make a sibling smile, he doesn't have a lot of confidence, so I see it as boosting it up a bit for him, and he can see that he is a special little guy after all - even though he's the only boy!!)

[Arimeh]

Thanks Mel, very true. She is not even 4 years old after all.

And fwiw, my 4 year old changes their mind every second of the day too. Maybe thats just my children though? I dunno, I assume all kids are the same as mine with their changing of mind!! LOL

[Jahzara]

they are kids who change their mind every second of the day so I wouldn't put the fate of my family planning in their young hands - ITMS?

Pretty much what I was thinking !
I have a 4 year old and he changes his mind every 2 seconds "I want a cheese sandwich" *I scuttle off and make the cheese sandwich* "I didnt want a cheese sandwich, I wanted toast". aaaaaaaaaaarrrrghhhh !! I know its not quite the same as talking about another sibling but YKWIM ! I have 3 boys and they would be lost without eachother - there is a 5 year gap between DS#2 and DS#3 - surprisingly DS#2 coped really well with not being the "baby" anymore.

It is hard but at the end of the day they will love the new sibling regardless - kids are pretty resilient

Goodluck !

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I will share a story from my childhood, which shapes my views a lot on children's say on their siblings.

My mother desperately wanted to call my little sister one of two names. Dad wasn't keen. So I got the deciding vote, and Mum floated names until Dad and I both agreed. For the next 17 years, until I moved out, at least once a year I'd get this story, of how it was my fault that Mum didn't get to call Sis the name she liked best.

I therefore think siblings have no say. Liebs will not get a say in the name of any of my future children, nor a say in if they turn up or not. It is a decision for the adults to make without him. He may not like it, but he can make his own choices when he's an adult. I don't like mincemeat but got it a lot as a child: we don't eat it now I'm an adult. DH did cook with some a couple of months ago and it was foul, I hate mince. OK so if I know Liebs doesn't like something I won't give him that, but every now and then he will be asked to try it. Certainly not eat the whole meal of something yucky. Just try it. But wrt siblings - he can pick his family size when he's in the decision-making role. As a child, he is not.

[Floweryfields]

But even if they had expressed it before that, well, they are kids who change their mind every second of the day so I wouldn't put the fate of my family planning in their young hands - ITMS?

Yep that! Don't leave the big decisions to a 4 year old - it's up to you and your partner and what you want.

[Beach Mama]

Hard decision to make hun but another thing to consider is that her perception of what it will be like is basically what she has experienced over the last 11 mths with your DS - she has no idea or comprehension of the fun and joy of the next 5,10, 15 years + with her siblings which is what you consider with having a third ITMS? Her idea of another baby is just that - another baby but as we know they are babies for such a short time and will grow up all too quickly. Good luck making your decision! xoxo

[little_mrs]

If your DD is 4 does that mean she'll be in full time school next year? That would make it a bit easier as she won't be seeing you attend to a new baby all day everyday, she'll have all her new experiences and attention at school and you'll be able to focus on your ds and a bub, but make sure there's time for just you and your DD when she comes hone from school... Hope that made sense, was just a thought!

[deletedit]

Wait till they retrospectively decide they don't want a sibling.

Miss 10 at great length (in front of the other kids) goes on about how cute Mr 1 is, how he's the best brother in the entire universe, he's so cute, she loves him, he's so cute, and how much she hates Miss 3 and wishes she only had one brother or sister and it was Mr 1. That is, when she's not busy telling Miss 3 how she doesn't like her.

Very frustrating as I can't get her to stop, but she does this to her friends too and wonders why she makes them cry. Yay for kids who don't have tact to recognise when they are hurting other people's feelings. She also goes on very loudly at every opportunity (in public) at how my partner isn't her dad and won't stop that either. I think she's on the spectrum too, can't argue with her "how would you like it if" because the answer is always "I'd love it". And remember, she's almost 11 - I can tell the toddler why she shouldn't hurt someone very easily, but not Miss 10.