Why women blame other women for being victims of domestic violence

[RainbowBrite]

I hope this is ok to share here, I read this today and I thought it explains a lot about domestic violence, particularly why a woman 'just doesn't leave'
And how to help someone you care about that may be in a DV relationship.
(this is in no way directed at anyone here, I just thought it would be good to share)

Why women blame other women for being victims of domestic violence
By SARA CONRAD
The Times-Union

“Why do you stay with him?”

It’s a question many people ask victims of domestic abuse. In fact, victim-blaming is so ingrained in our culture, even women who have been previously abused can find themselves sucked into it.

That’s what happened to Catherine Cooper. She was molested as a child, and her sister was murdered by her husband after leaving him. Yet when her daughter revealed to Cooper that she had been enduring years of domestic abuse by her husband, Cooper’s immediate reaction was to wonder why her daughter was “settling” for the abuse.

“I kept trying to get her to do something,” she said. “But she felt helpless and still loved him.”

Cooper said she wanted to call the police, but she thought that would make her daughter’s husband angrier and possibly put her daughter in even more danger. So Cooper said she tried to intervene; she would drive to her daughter’s house whenever she called crying about a fight between her and her husband. What irked Cooper, though, was that by the time she arrived at her daughter’s place, her daughter and husband would be making up.
“I got frustrated and told them to grow up,” said Cooper. “I knew she was stronger than that and I thought, 'How did you let yourself get in this situation and what are you doing to make them treat you like this?’ ”

Laine Reinecke-Clayton, community education manager at Hubbard House, a local shelter for domestic violence victims, believes it’s human nature to blame victims.

It’s especially easy when people don’t know much about domestic violence, Reinecke-Clayton said.

“They think that if they were on a third date and were slapped, they would leave,” she said.

But abusive relationships don’t start with violence, Reinecke-Clayton said. Abusers slowly gain control over their victims by first isolating them in manipulative ways, such as asking them to stay home and spend time with them instead of going out with friends. Over time, the victim’s friends stop reaching out to her. The same kind of manipulation works to push away the victim’s family. Eventually the psychological manipulation turns to physical violence. But by then, the victim has usually been in a relationship with her abuser for a long time.

Sometimes, they are married and have children.

Reinecke-Clayton points out that every situation is different, and it’s hard to judge the decisions a victim makes to survive. But people nonetheless jump to victim-blaming with ease.

Connie Cooper, a local licensed clinical social worker (no relation to Catherine Cooper) believes that is because of most people’s “natural aversion to passivity.” But what victim-blamers often don’t understand is that abusers work to break the victim’s self-esteem. So, while victim-blamers may realize the abuser’s culpability, they will still jump to the conclusion that a women who stays with someone so obviously hurtful must be a fool. But, Reinecke-Clayton says, the very act of day-to-day survival in an abusive relationship shows how smart victims can be.

Women make up 85 percent of domestic violence victims in the U.S., according to the National Coalition of Domestic Violence. So you might think women would be more sympathetic to victims. But what makes the issue particularly tricky for women to understand, said Connie Cooper, is the frustration that comes with the label “victim.”

“The whole women’s movement was to get out of that subservient role, and … you see in domestic violence … that a woman’s power has been taken away,” she said. “I think women in particular are frustrated with that because it shows we still have a long way to go to progress in society.”

Reinecke-Clayton said some women who have escaped abusive relationships might forget how difficult it was for them to leave and now they might look down on women who are struggling to get out of their relationships.
The experts agree that the unfortunate, and perhaps dangerous, consequences of victim-blaming is that it can make it harder for a victim to leave her abuser.

Victims are often selective about whom they will tell about abuse because the experience can be humiliating. If victims feel their family or friends somehow hold them responsible for the relationship, they may be reluctant to ask for help. This can be dangerous because victims almost always need others to help them leave their abuser.

They often either need help in the escape plan, a safe place to stay or someone to watch their children.

Blame can also further erode a victim’s self-esteem, reinforcing the abuser’s psychological manipulation, making it that much harder for the victim to leave.

So how can you support a friend or family member if you think she is being abused? First, try to see the situation from her point of view before you judge. Think about what obstacles might prevent her from leaving her partner. Does she love him? Is he the father of her children? Does he control the finances? These factors can have a much greater impact on a person’s decision to leave than people might think.

Many women stay in an abusive relationship because they think they will be able to better protect their children.

Many women feel they have no one to stay with if they leave because their family has become frustrated with them. Experts say the best way to help is hold back your judgment and be as supportive as possible. Remember that it’s the abuser’s fault.

SIGNS OF ABUSE
A victim of domestic violence exhibits the following behavior, according to Hubbard House:

• Seems afraid or anxious to please her partner
• Checks in often with her partner to report where she is and what she’s doing
• Receives frequent, harassing phone calls from her partner
• Talks often about her partner’s temper, jealousy or possessiveness
• Has frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents”
• Frequently misses work, school or social occasions, without explanation
• Dresses in clothing to hide bruises or scars (i.e. wearing sunglasses indoors or long sleeves in warm weather)
• Rarely goes out in public without her partner
• Has limited access to money, credit cards or the car
• Is restricted from seeing family and friends
• Has low self-esteem, even if she used to be confident
• Shows major personality changes (i.e. starts acting withdrawn when usually very outgoing)
• Is depressed, anxious or suicidal

TIPS FOR HELPING VICTIMS

Hubbard House recommends helping by doing the following to offer your support:

• Speak up
• Ask
• Express concern
• Listen and validate
• Support her decision
• Let her know that help is available
• Offer help (i.e. providing them with a Domestic Violence Hotline number)

WHAT NOT TO DO

• Wait for her to come to you
• Judge or blame
• Pressure her
• Give advice
• Place conditions on your support

[LionsandBears]

I think that's fascinating. I've not been in a physically abusive relationship but I have been in an emotionally controlling relationship. I know my friends and family were concerned. They continually told me so. I even had major fallings out about it. I did not see it as abusive. I now look back and see myself as being a bloody idiot who didn't know I deserved better and I am thankful I woke up one day and walked out. It took me months afterwards to work out that, yes, it was abusive, and, no, he was never going to change. "Love" is not enough. It does not magically fix everything. Him being able to make me laugh did not make up for the fear and the tears and the denigration of my self-worth. I also remember how deeply ashamed I was at how I had allowed myself to be sucked in, that I ignored and abused people who loved me, that I sold myself short the way I had, that I'd wasted years of my life.

I can see that. I understand that. But I still get enormously frustrated at women who stay. Women who scoff at the word "abuse" because they don't see it. Even though for those on the outside, what she is being subjected to is very much abuse. Maybe physical abuse is easier to spot. But that day in day out of being demeaned, neglected, ignored, yelled at, not talked to, looked down on, being controlled..... that and more are all part of abuse. I suppose because I have lived it and seen it happen to others, then I know it's abuse and it's frustrating that women who are in it don't see it that way.

I don't know that that is blaming the "victim". People have a choice on how they live their lives. If they scoff at support then it's very hard to keep supporting her. Yes, maybe we can be there to catch her if she falls. But when she knows she's being abused and still goes back, that's hard to deal with. When she doesn't know she's being abused, all you can do is stand back and wait for her to come to terms with it herself. And be there if she asks for help.

In my case, there were no kids, thankfully. There was no physical abuse and I still had financial control of my life. I realise being threatened, having your kids threatened makes it harder to leave. Having no money makes it harder to leave. I guess I struggle to understand, how, knowing that someone is violent and controlling, but a woman gets up the guts to leave, why still allow the abuser access to yor life? Why still be sucked into their emotional blackmail etc? Why not cut the ties, have any kid access done through community services and have as little communication as possible? I realise I've not expereinced it, so I cannot understand. This is probably what I struggle with most. Once you know it is abuse, why subject yourself to it again and again and again? How can you support someone who does that to themselves, to their kids?

[Phteven]

Thanks for posting. There is just one thing that I find myself wanting to know more about....

But abusive relationships don’t start with violence, Reinecke-Clayton said. Abusers slowly gain control over their victims by first isolating them in manipulative ways, such as asking them to stay home and spend time with them instead of going out with friends. Over time, the victim’s friends stop reaching out to her. The same kind of manipulation works to push away the victim’s family. Eventually the psychological manipulation turns to physical violence. But by then, the victim has usually been in a relationship with her abuser for a long time.

I have read the same paragraph in other articles about abuse but I do find myself questioning it. TBH most of the men who I have known to be physically abusive don't really seem to have the sophistication to engage in such prolonged, deliberate manipulation before becoming abusive. They were just ****heads who got violent when things got tough.

[*LittleMissSummer*]

I hope my SIL is still stalking me and reads this.

We stopped talking again because she tried to tell me that ALL women who get beaten CHOOSE to stay and that its "easy" to just get up and walk away and there would be "no way" she would ever let a man hit her. Its not always so black and white. She upset me quite badly but *I* was the horrible one for not accepting her opinion which wasn't the case telling me that my mum CHOSE to get beaten her entire 10 year marriage, nevermind the fact if my mum left he would hunt her down and kill her and us kids. Or a story i mentioned about a woman my mum knew who was forced to have over 10 kids to a man who beat her everyday, would force himself onto her, make her have his kids and wouldnt let her stay in hospital after giving birth she had to come home and have sex with him no matter if she had stitches or was bleeding. But this woman CHOSE that life apparently.

And for that i will NEVER respect or talk to my SIL ever again.

I don't think anyone has the right to judge a woman who is in a DV situation, you can offer help but at the end of the day its her decision whether she stays or goes. Sometimes they really are under the delusion the man loves her.

People know my story, i won't repeat it for others but it has taken a LONG time to overcome it. I will never fully forgive him for anything but we have moved on, i have let him know its to never happen again. But this really is a touchy subject and people have different opinions.

[PumpkinZulu]

Hmm. I am one who would actually say women in those situations do choose to stay. That's not to say it's the right choice, or the wrong choice...but there is a choice, to stay or go. You do choose that life if you choose to stay.

I chose to leave my DH because aspects of our relationship were emotionally abusive...and now I have chosen to go back to him. Ofcorse, it's a lot less black and white than that (as are all relationships), but that's the general gist. Reasons for staying, or going back in my case, include love, children, finances, and the hope that things can change. All of the above in my case. BUT, with choosing to stay (for whatever reasons), you do have to accept that no matter how much you hope things will change, they may not, and the pattern of abuse may well continue. With every cycle of abuse, you are making a conscious choice; do I stay and forgive them AGAIN, or is this time one time too many? By staying you are choosing to run the risk of being hurt again. I have gone back to my DH with the full knowledge that he may well hurt me again, and that is my choice.

Choosing to stay is not easy, often it's harder than choosing to go. But eventually, enough will be enough. It's a much more complex issue than it sounds though.

As to women attacking the victim...I believe it's because they see the 'weakness' that they once felt themselves when *they* were in a similar situation, before they made a change, and they resent that old part of themselves and seeing it in others itms. I don't know. That's all just my two bob, anyway.

[emc2]

Why not cut the ties, have any kid access done through community services and have as little communication as possible?

Partly because although there are various organisations (govt and ngo) out there - they're not cohesive, there's not enough funding, legislation does not translate to reality etc etc etc

[buffy1]

PZ, I agree with you (and am so sorry to hear about what you've been through - you too LMS).

My mum chose to stay for eight years, until the physical violence extended to my brother and I. She stayed with my father for a long time because she felt we needed to be a traditional, nuclear family - she was also very religious. On top of which, she was a SAHM with no income but the pittance my dad gave her each week. She bore the brunt of it until it spilled over to her kids, and then she chose to leave (it was more like fleeing).

I understand why some women stay in emotionally or physically abusive relationships, but I can't begin to comprehend the strength it takes to leave.

[Catastrophic]

Thanks for sharing RB... That article gave me chills in some of the accuracy...

I can see that. I understand that. But I still get enormously frustrated at women who stay. Women who scoff at the word "abuse" because they don't see it.

I don't know that that is blaming the "victim". People have a choice on how they live their lives. If they scoff at support then it's very hard to keep supporting her. Yes, maybe we can be there to catch her if she falls. But when she knows she's being abused and still goes back, that's hard to deal with. When she doesn't know she's being abused, all you can do is stand back and wait for her to come to terms with it herself. And be there if she asks for help.

Tashy: It is frustrating at watching women stay, but I can assure you it's even more frustrating when your the one in it. There is a sense of helplessness and you already have such a low self esteem you don't believe yourself even when you do recognise it. It plays with your head soo much.

I have read the same paragraph in other articles about abuse but I do find myself questioning it. TBH most of the men who I have known to be physically abusive don't really seem to have the sophistication to engage in such prolonged, deliberate manipulation before becoming abusive. They were just ****heads who got violent when things got tough.

I think there are different types... And even if they are just ****heads that just get voilet, they will still use their words to abuse, name calling etc, and that could wear the female down and = to emotional abuse and manipulation.


LMS - I agree no one has a right to judge...

Choosing to stay is not easy, often it's harder than choosing to go. But eventually, enough will be enough. It's a much more complex issue than it sounds though.

As to women attacking the victim...I believe it's because they see the 'weakness' that they once felt themselves when *they* were in a similar situation, before they made a change, and they resent that old part of themselves and seeing it in others itms. I don't know. That's all just my two bob, anyway.

Pz. I agree, it's just as hard to stay as it is too go.... And I like your definition of women attacking the victim.

This topic is such a hard one to grasp and fully understand because every situation is going to be different. Sucky sucky situation to be in.

[diannescruffy]

I was one of those woman who said "if a man ever hit me I'd be out the door" then I "chose" to stay with a man who physically and emotionally abused me for years. At the time I definately felt I didn't have a choice though, I had no where to go, exactly as said in the article. I was well educated, came from a good background, it's hard to explain the way an abuser plays with your mind. Unless you've been in the situation you could never understand why a victim "choses" to stay.

Regards,
Dianne

[RainbowBrite]

I think it is not as simple as choosing to leave and it all stops, everything is ok then. Unfortunately leaving can make things worse, there are very scary stories of woman who got out of abusive relationships and payed the ultimate price, either with their own lives, there children's lives or both.
The ramifications of leaving can be horrible and sometimes the woman chooses what she sees as the lesser of two evils and goes back.
They can isolate you so much that you have no one to turn to, you are embarrassed to tell people what you are going through because of the stigma attached to being a battered woman.
You have no money, car, petrol, self esteem or self worth...they have total control because they isolate you.
I wish it was as black and white as you either choose to leave or choose to stay...unfortunately it is no where near as simple as that.

I agree Dianne (sorry can't quote) you really can't understand unless you have been their yourself.


Sent from my iPad

[PumpkinZulu]

I totally agree...and tbh I don't think choosing to leave is always in the best interests of the 'victim' at all, for all the reasons you listed RB. But I still see it as a choice, when you break it down and take out all those shades of grey...which sounds simple in theory, but so isn't in the real world.

[Sopdet]

As somebody who got out of an abusive relationship, Onyx it is true, my x didn't start out as openly abusive, he started out with wanting to spend time with me on weekends, wanting to be with only me, it got to the point my friends stopped asking me out with them because I'd end up cancelling because of my x. He was good that the whole "but I want to spend time with you on the weekends" emotional blackmail. It got to the point that the only friends I had were the ones he allowed me to have, which were his friends.

I thought the same thing as most before he came into my life, that women who stayed in DV situations were fools, I now know better. I am so glad I was able to get out of it. I still have family that are incredulous that I allowed myself to get in that situation.

[LionsandBears]

I hope no-one thinks I was having a go. I think it's courageous that people have shared some of their stories. No, I don't understand, but hopefully reading some of this will help me understand a bit better.

Can I ask, if you think someone is being abused, but they don't think they are, what is the best way to handle it? Say nothing? Say something? If I think of saying something, I try to be diplomatic. But sometimes it's so frustrating when it's the same problem, different day and nothing changes. There's only so many times I can be told to back off before I will, indeed, back off. I'm one of those people who feels pain at reading some things people post about their lives. In the end, I have to turn away because it hurts too much that someone is choosing to stay or choosing to not get help. I know it's not about me when someone is dealing with I dont know what kind of homelife, but I do have to look after my own emotional wellbeing.

As for choice. Some of life's choices are breathtakingly, heart shatteringly difficult to make. But they are still choices and not making a choice is a choice in itself.

[*LittleMissSummer*]

And the worst thing about DV is the nightmare doesn't stop once the victim leaves the relationship, it haunts them for the rest of their life. The bruises heal but the emotional scars don't.

[bubno.3]

OMG i feel the god or whoever made me come back to BB this evening:

my experience was awlful and it was all emotional rejecting psychological crap but my own mum doesnt believe me she honestly believes my ex husband over me (i was married 2 yrs F F S) My mum thinks i made a horrific mistake in leaving and i must have my fathers genes .

I think it is unbelievable the way my whole family reacted to my dilema .... stuck there heads in the sand

[Catastrophic]

I hope no-one thinks I was having a go. I think it's courageous that people have shared some of their stories. No, I don't understand, but hopefully reading some of this will help me understand a bit better.

Can I ask, if you think someone is being abused, but they don't think they are, what is the best way to handle it? Say nothing? Say something? If I think of saying something, I try to be diplomatic. But sometimes it's so frustrating when it's the same problem, different day and nothing changes. There's only so many times I can be told to back off before I will, indeed, back off. I'm one of those people who feels pain at reading some things people post about their lives. In the end, I have to turn away because it hurts too much that someone is choosing to stay or choosing to not get help. I know it's not about me when someone is dealing with I dont know what kind of homelife, but I do have to look after my own emotional wellbeing.

As for choice. Some of life's choices are breathtakingly, heart shatteringly difficult to make. But they are still choices and not making a choice is a choice in itself.

My best friend, and the reason why she is my best friend in the whole world, said something. she listened. she advised. But the best part was she never really pushed or gave me an ultimatum (if you dont leave I cant be around you). I love her to death, because she stood beside me through all the crap, she gave her advice (which was sometimes hard to hear, but I loved her for it) She often got very frustrated and we would take a break from talking for her own mental health, I leaned on her a lot, and looking back I get it wouldn't of been easy on her, But I am so so thankful that I had her to go through it with... So I guess I am saying. Say something, but be kind. It's a really ****ty situation. And sometimes it's the lessor of two evils staying... Just because the relationship ends doesn't mean the abuse does...

[Kazbah]

so much sharing in this thread - thankyou all ladies for sharing.

Tashy, I have a friend who is in an abusive relationship, and have shown them what it is. I have shown them articles about the cycle of abuse and diarised what's happening in their relationship and shown it in black and white - and this has given a non-judgemental evidence. Recognising patterns in the relationship and planning what to do when the triggers were there - it's easier from the outside, and I found that by highlighting those and putting support there *before* the fact, it helped show what was really happening.

My friend is lucky, now that their spouse is no longer drinking, the abuse has stopped. But I still listen for those triggers ...

[Yas]

Choosing to stay is not easy, often it's harder than choosing to go. But eventually, enough will be enough. It's a much more complex issue than it sounds though.

Sorry PZ but i don't agree with that. Leaving a DV relationship is harder than staying IMO. And i have major issues with women who stay and subject themselves and children to that life.

to all that women who have unfortunately experienced these situations.