Using 'informative' instead of 'directional' statements.

[Heaven]

Just read this and I'm going to try it out. I am sick of saying 'eat your food!' 'get dressed' and 'get in the car' 1000 times a day

Never Be Late Again! (Or at least be on time more often)

“Quit dawdling!”

“Hurry up!”

“Do you want to be late for school?”

You can see it coming, but there doesn’t seem to be anything you can do about it. You’ve tried planning and preparation. You’ve set your alarm for a half hour earlier. You’ve had long, calm talks with your child detailing your expectations about the morning routine. Yet, invariably, day after day, you feel the knot tightening in your gut as the school bell draws nigh. Once again you’re badgering and even threatening your kids to get them out the door. Perhaps the worst part is that after all that stress and effort you’re still, as usual, 15 minutes late.

None of us want to nag or threaten. It leaves our children sulky and makes us feel like we’re turning into exactly the kind of parents we promised ourselves we would never become. It sometimes feels, however, that it’s the only option left.

How would it make you feel to not only get to school on time, but to have your own child taking the lead in making it happen? It’s possible.

Listen to yourself
Try this experiment. Point to a dirty carpet and say to your spouse, “Vacuum the living room.” You don’t need to actually try this, do you? The mental experiment is enough: there is a very low probability that your carpet will get cleaned unless you do it yourself.

Nobody likes to be told what to do and this includes children. Ultimately, you might get the results you want because you are bigger, stronger and control the key to the pantry, but is this really the kind of parent you want to be?

Listen to yourself as you go through your morning routine (it might even be helpful to tape record yourself for a few mornings). What kinds of things are you saying to your child? Most of us are addicted to directing our children, especially during transitional periods like getting ready for school. (e.g., “Pull up your socks,” “Finish your breakfast,” “Brush your teeth.”) Many of us try to soften these “bossy” statements by turning them into questions (e.g., “Wash your face, okay?”), but to your child’s ear, it’s all the same. It’s not any less of a direction if you say it in a soft voice.

Humans tend to rebel against being bossed around. We might do what we’re told for awhile, but ultimately we grow to resent it. We dig in our heels. We argue. Our inner child shrieks, You’re not the boss of me! Can we expect our children to be any different?

Another thing to listen for are questions to which you either already know the answer or that don’t really have an answer (e.g., “Didn’t I tell you to come downstairs?” “How many times have I told you to put on your shoes?”). Your preschool child either recognizes these for what they are (veiled directions) or feels challenged to actually answer the unanswerable – a stress inducing situation at best.

Putting your child in charge
The reason we rebel against directional statements is that the human animal generally wants to feel in control. Being told by others what to do strikes us as an effort to undermine our autonomy. It would therefore seem that one of the worst ways to get children to do what you want is to tell them to do it.

Am I saying that the key to getting out the door on time is to put your child in charge? Yes.

This does not mean that you must sacrifice your own desires and wisdom. In fact, Child Protective Services would likely soon be knocking on your door if you did. But the process of getting to school on time is every bit as much your child’s responsibility as it is yours. Sharing that responsibility with your child not only provides her with a sense of pride and control, but it also takes some of the pressure off of you; maybe even loosening that knot in the pit of your stomach.

Speaking informatively with your child
Now try our mental experiment again, but this time simply state, “The living room carpet is dirty.” Don’t point, don’t make “knowing” eyes, just formulate the statement. You still might have to do it yourself, but the probability of the carpet getting vacuumed goes way up. This happens because by merely making a statement of fact, you are creating a circumstance in which you put your spouse in control – he gets to make his own decision concerning what to do about the dirty carpet.

Speaking informatively with children works in the same way. Instead of directing your child in the morning, make an effort to limit yourself to informative statements. This is not as restraining as it may at first sound. You may talk about yourself (e.g., “I don’t want to be late for school,” “I can help you with your shoes,” “I expect you to be ready by the time the big hand is on the 3.”). You may talk about what your child sees, hears, or senses (e.g., “Your pants are on your bed,” “The big hand is almost on the 3,” “Your toothbrush is on the counter.”). You may talk about possibilities and connections to other things (e.g., “Yesterday we missed circle time because we were late,” “When we lay our clothes out the night before it doesn’t take as long to get dressed.”

Once you have practiced replacing your directional statements with informational statements for awhile, it's time to try the descriptive cue sequence.

The descriptive cue sequence
The descriptive cue sequence is a powerful tool developed by North Seattle Community College instructor and early childhood education faculty member Tom Drummond for helping you get in the habit of speaking informatively. The sequence gradually increases the amount of “push” with each step. Don’t move on to the next step as long as you are getting the results you want.

1. Give cue
• Instead of directing your child to get ready for school, give a cue, such as, “It’s time to get dressed.”
• Some parents might prefer sounding a signal of some kind, like a bell or a song.

2. No help
• Wait for 10 to 15 seconds
• Look for appropriate behavior and reward it by describing it or with a non-verbal recognition (e.g., thumbs up, big smile)

3. Describe
• Describe what needs to be done without telling your child what to do
• Give facts—what needs doing, where things are, etc.

4. Model
• Model the desired behavior by doing some yourself
• Talk aloud about what you are doing

5. Direct
• If inaction is still a problem, give a simple, clear direction (e.g., “Please put on your socks.”)

6. Set a contingency
• Make the next activity dependent on completion of the task (e.g., “When you put on your socks, you can pick out which Hot Wheel you want to take in the car.”)

As you and your child grow accustomed to this process, you will find a decreasing need to employ the higher numbers on the list. Many parents find it helpful to post the descriptive cue sequence on their wall in a conspicuous place, at least until they have learned the procedure.

You may not notice an immediate change in your child -- it can take time for him to grow accustomed to the feeling of control and responsibility. If you stick with it, however, your child will gain a sense of pride and power as he is given responsibility and control over his own preparation for school.

You, however, will feel an immediate change in how you feel about yourself. You won’t be nagging or threatening and very quickly you will begin to feel like the kind of parent you always promised yourself you wanted to be.

And if that’s not enough, you and your child will get to school when you want to . . . at least most of the time.

[luna moth]

As if your kids weren't awesome enough... and now you're going to do this with them?

Great piece. I love it.

[*star*]

Hmmm.... I'm not sure.

I have an issue with DD not asking for exactly what she wants. She sidesteps around issues and people either ignore what she is wanting because they don't understand that she wants anything or she comes off sounding rude. I am trying to model asking directly for what she wants.

For example, she will say "mmm.... those biscuits look yummy" or "I'm eyeing off that fruit", instead of coming directly out and asking for what she needs.

I think this kind of informational talk will encourage from her the same kind of talk when she needs something at kindy and she won't be responded to?

Interesting, though.

[NaeNae]

I like this article, not only does it say what to avoid it gives you good practical advice!

love it - great read

[Heaven]

As if your kids weren't awesome enough... and now you're going to do this with them?

Great piece. I love it.

LOL.

Well, I'm going to try anyway! Makes sense to me. And nagging is not working, lol.

[Snowy Love]

Dunno about the example - DH is much more likely to vacuum if I say "would you mind vacuuming the lounge" than if I say "the rug is dirty". His reaction to the second statement would be "so?".

Like *star*, my parents often told me not to hint but if I wanted something to ask directly and I'm doing that with DS1 now, although I don't use the statement my parents used "we don't like people who hint".

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[~Kim~]

I read a similar article last week and really thought about it. This week I have been trying really hard to practice this and man, I could not have believed how much difference this would make in our day to day carry on.

It's been really hard (for me) but worth the effort. Only a few days has changed the way DD even bosses her brother.

*star* If you tell her what you need her to do, I'm almost certain it would exacerbate her problem. Letting her know that she needs to ask clearly for what she needs/wants isn't really a command. Maybe "it's much easier for Mummy to understand if you just tell me exactly what you need/want, because sometimes I miss it when you don't ask clearly, and I don't want to do that."

[Heaven]

It is hard isn't it Kim! I haven't done very well yet, lol. It's hard coming up with how to phrase it! Going to try really hard today.

So great it's made such a difference! I'll let you know how I go!

*star* I think you can do this but still model asking for what you want. Like it's ok to ask if you can have an apple, etc, it's just more the 'telling people what to do' statements that you try to change. I don't know if that made sense. In the article it says "You may talk about yourself (e.g., “I don’t want to be late for school,” “I can help you with your shoes,” “I expect you to be ready by the time the big hand is on the 3.”)."

[Kazbah]

I know that with Pip, DH will say "don't jump on your brother" and he'll still jump on his brother, but when I say "how about giving your brother a nice hug instead" he'll actually do that. I feel there is definately a lot with using positive parenting instead of negative

[Just Me]

I try and do it with my kids but I say "I am really worried that you are going to hurt yourself if you keep standing on that chair" instead of "Get off the chair" - seems to work really well.

Or if we need to go out somewhere, I usually say something along the lines of "Kindy is starting in an hour. I think we need to get in the car soon. What things have you got left to do before you are ready?" - DD1 takes getting ready really seriously and knows what she has to do.

I don't know if I am doing a disservice to my kids by never asking them directly for anything though. They really hate it now when I slip up and tell them to do something rather than just letting them know how I am feeling or giving them the facts. I don't know if it is natural for them to get so upset and offended that I would tell them what to do or whether they aren't greatly accustomed to it and so we have issues. They seem to respond okay to direct instructions from other people, like DD1's kindy teacher, just not free me. So I do think it is great and I feel that I am connecting better with my kids and have far more positive interactions with them, but I have a couple of concerns.

[wrena]

Have any of you read "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk". Lots of this and so much more. Would highly recommend

[Just Me]

No but it's on my reading list - when I have some time . I have read Parent Effectiveness Training which is along the same lines and also Non Violent Communication (that's a nice short book - about 25 pages). That's where I got my information about "I" messages and effective communication