How to support a friend going thru IVF....

[Bella29]

A gf of mine that I have known for a very long time now has just begun her journey to conception. She has had a history of severe endo. They told her when she was 16 that she would never be a mother. In the last few years she has had lotsa surgury to help her condition and make her more comfortable. As an offshoot she found out that there is nothing wrong with her uterus, but that her tubes are fused. She also has been told that her ovaries should be able to produce eggs.

Yesterday she found out that her journey to motherhood was unsuccessful this time. She had one egg put back after only producing 2 embryo's this cycle. She is holding it together, but I know she is hurting, who wouldn't be really.

I on the other hand am pregnant with my third (one m/c) and am 25 weeks tomorrow. I have conceived first time, every time, with the exception of this pregnancy where it took 2 months after the m/c to fall pregnant again. We are so poles apart that I just don't want to say the wrong thing. I also have a foot in mouth disease sometimes and I am terrified that I will say something that will hurt her. So I just wanted to know from the girls who really do know what it is like, what not to say, and what might be helpful. I figure that I will try to listen as much as I can, as we have arranged to have dinner with them this weekend. I just love her so much that I wish that there was something that I could do. I have often thought that if she had tried everything that was possible and still wasn't able to carry a baby, that I would offer to surrogate for her, but I would never tell her that until it was obvious that she needed my help, cos the last thing I want her to think is that I don't believe that she can carry her own baby for herself. I just really want her to succeed, and get pregnant.

In the meantime, do you girls have any advice on the do's and don'ts of talking with an IVF and LTTTC mumma? She has tried for 12 months prior to the IVF to conceive naturally even tho they thought it was probably not possible that way.....

Thanks ladies
XX Bella

[onthefly]

Just being mindful of this will probably help Bella.
Definitely don't offer to be a surrogate or egg donor at this point! (good call there)
Honestly, just treat it like any other challenge she would be facing. Be there for her and be sensitive to the times when she might just need a bit of space.

[MummyNaomi]

Let her rant, vent and cry about how unfair it is. I hated that people would say to me "One day you will be a mother", "Everything will be all right", "Sometimes things happen for a reason" etc etc and expect me to say yes, yes it will. I felt like I was just then responding the politically correct way when really I had no guarantees that everything would be all right.

The best thing is just to listen, you don't have to fill the gaps with responses or words. The despair of the possibility of not being a mother is devastating, especially when you are ready to be one and your whole life's dreams are in shatters, so I guess understand that you will never truly understand her pain I think also that its ok to let her be a bit selfish, people who are LTTTC'ers need to have the space to put everything (emotionally, physically and even from a monetary perspective) into IVF, and this needs to be their one focus, to the exclusion of all else, sometimes others peoples needs dont matter as you only have enough to invest in yourself.

God I sound dramatic, just telling it warts and all

Bella - I really struggled with others pregnancies (and pregnancy and birth announcements) when I was TTC unsuccessfully, so while she will be genuinely happy for you as her friend, she may struggle at times. The other thing is to check in on her regularly. Its such a rollercoaster that some days you are completely fine and positive and other days at rock bottom. ETA. My rock bottom was on a day I had to attend two events - a baby shower and a christening, I fell apart, and could barely pull myself together. Somehow I did, and managed to force myself to leave the house. It was one of the worst days ever for me at the time, I felt like such a fraud celebrating baby related things for other people

[Bella29]

Thanks girls, I really appreciate all the advice

We spoke last night and she was trying to apologising for bursting into tears on me. I just told her it was completely understandable that she was devastated and I would be too, and tried to reassure her that the hormones she still had in her body must be completely outta wack and she shouldn't feel bad about feeling like ****. I do get that I can't possibly understand what she is going thru. That is why I am asking all of you. I have told her I know I won't understand but I just want to help in anyway that I can.

I do think there is a tendency in me to want to make it better for her, but that too seems somehow selfish of me. I know she just needs to be sad at the moment and be free to grieve. I have been touching bases with her relatively regularly every week or two, just don't want to be the pregnant friend who can't give her space... So mostly I send txt that way she can ignore me when she needs too.

She is such a lovely girl that she has been really happy for my pregnancy and supportive. Even tho I am sure that there are times she just wants to punch me for being pregnant and not her, I know I used to feel that way sometimes when I wasn't even ttcing because I wished I was in a place in my life where I could..... Ahh it is just hard sometimes isn't it.

Well I guess I will just keep plodding on as best I can and trying to be as supportive as I can and hope she forgives me if I say the wrong thing.

xx Bella

[Maruschke]

I would say to be there as a friend but not to give advice. Remember that it truly does suck to be in the position your friend is in. I often get jealous / hurt by other pregnant women even when I am not pumped full of hormones for the next treatment cycle...

[OceanPrincess]

I think you are doing a great job. I'm going to steal a quote from another thread... Pumpkin Zulu wrote this in response to a question about being a "story topper", but I think you could apply it here too...

I learnt in my doula training about something very much like this. It is actually our natural response (and especially when we may feel uncomfortable/sad/awkward) is to try to relate to the story or situation with our own past experiences, ie "that happened to me/someone I know". Although it's our natural response, many people do find it annoying and sometimes hurtful. Relaying your own experiences as your sole response can also cause the person you're talking to to feel dismissed (like their experience isn't 'bad' enough or worth mentioning). It also stops any form of dialogue from continuing about that person (from my examples POV, the client) in a way which focuses on them and their story.

"My birth with my son was very hard."

"Oh, my friend had a terrible time giving birth too, x/y/z happened to her, but she's just had her second and it was a completely different experience."

See how, even though what the friend said was not necessarily that negative, they related with a story instead of focusing on her friend, and how that has changed the direction of the conversation...maybe then Friend A would ask how the next birth was different, say how nice that is for her etc.

"My birth with my son was very hard."

"What happened? What are your feelings about the birth?"

This way, the conversation is directly about Friend A and her thoughts about the birth. Those were my own examples, and I know it works slightly differently in a doula/woman combo rather than a friend/friend combo. I do find myself relating to people this way sometimes still (A: "I just got back from overseas." Me: "My friend just got back from overseas, they went to Spain, apparently it's beautiful.") but I try to balance my responses out...so maybe relaying an experience and then asking how they feel about theirs. I feel for real life interactions that is the best approach

I guess the reason I wanted to share this with you was that I often do this to try and relate... whereas often people just want you to listen. So let her talk to you, unload, dump stuff on you, and just listen to her.

Which it sounds like you're already doing

I think you're a great friend.

[Bella29]

Ocean princess, thanks for that. It is a timely reminder. I do think I do that sometimes. I am sure we all do, but I know right now she needs it to be about her, when we are talking about her and there is enough space in our friendship for when it is my turn to talk about where I am at to just do that too. So thanks I will try to be mindful and use that technique. Communication is so important, and I don't want to screw this up.

[OceanPrincess]

Again, it sounds like you are doing a great job.

Can I story top? Hehe... I've got a friend going through IVF for #2... I had to employ this technique myself, I wasn't that close to her when she had #1 but this time we are closer, I texted her after her procedure to harvest the follicles to ask how it went and she rang me, so I then proceeded to bite my tongue and say only things like "Ok, what does that mean? How do you feel? What happens now? Are you ok? What are your thoughts on that?" for a good forty minutes or so.

It was hard... but she said at the end "Thanks for letting me ramble. I really appreciate your support." so I felt like I'd achieved my aim of being just a supportive friend!

Keep it up

[MummaSue]

I just want to add that there may be times when she DOESN'T feel like talking or want to talk to you. It's such a rollercoaster and being around pregnant people can be really really hard - because they often just can't relate to the situation. Just let her go with that and don't take it personally. She'll come around.

You sound like an awesome friend though, very considerate of her feelings

It's a sucky situation for you both xx

[Keta]

I just wanted to say that your friend is very lucky. I know for me the most valuable thing has been when I told a friend recently what I was going through and she said 'I have no idea how you feel' and then just let me vent. The thing I find hardest is when people try to make me feel better as then I feel guilty for making them feel uncomfortable. I hope your friends dream of a baby comes true very soon.

[jayejaye]

Hi bella.
What a great friend you are. It is hard when you are TTC and everyone around you seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat. You sound wonderful though.! Phrases i hated were "it'll happen for you one day" "just stop stressing and it will happen" "your time will come" etc etc. Most times i just wanted to not talk about it, but everyone is different. I am sure you will sense what your friend wants.

Best wishes. J.