Family Support

**mambo** · October 2nd, 2011, 08:27 PM

Just wanting some advice from parents of older/oldish kids...
Do or did you feel that you needed the most support from family when they were little (ie: babys to toddlers) or did you find you needed more support as they got older?
DH and I have been considering moving closer to DH's parents as I have just started back at work 3 days a week and they have been looking after our boys (3 years and 14 months). Problem is that they currently live about 45 minutes from us and we work in the city so we have to sleep over 3 nights in order to avoid the back and forth travelling. DH's parents seem to be struggling with looking after the boys 3 times a week (which is understandable, i know its not easy and they arent exactly young)...also the fact that we have to stay over means were in their faces 24/3. My thought process is that that maybe as they get older we wont need as much of their support? Im just trying to work out in my head whether its worth moving closer or whether we just stick it out for a couple more years cause once their in school they wont need to look after them?

Has anyone found they need more support as their kids get older and why/why not?

**Astrid** · October 2nd, 2011, 09:48 PM

Any reason for not using childcare, especially if it is hard on your DH's parents? Maybe you could do a mixture of both?

We have no family support and we get by. Thankfully now we have some good friends who do help out when they can. It can be so hard at times, but it is doable. Sometimes it just means paying for that help, like childcare, a baby sitter if needing a night out etc. My two are 6 and 3. Looking back and at now, I would appreciate having some family support now, as opposed to when they were younger. Partly from due to the relationships that develop between grandchildren and grandparents, I don't want the girls to miss out on that. Also due to the amount of running about we do these days. It would just be nice to have the odd weekend where grandma is around to help out, or even just to do the school pick up if I really need to work later. I think I really noticed it this school holidays, when many grandparents where at the cinema with the grandkids.

**Ca Plane Pour Moi** · October 2nd, 2011, 09:55 PM

While we can ask PiL, it is sporradic because they can't cope with too much DS. It isn't fair on them, they're old and have raised their family. They don't need to raise mine too. Me starting a new job and DS's school not starting at the same time meant PiL did quite a bit of care for DS one week, but they really can't do more. We have to rely on childcare and now wraparound school care. They live about a half-hour away (up to 45 mins in bad traffic) and none of us thinks twice about commuting that distance, I mean my work is well over an hour away anyway! I wouldn't have PiL to stay/stay with PiL with a short distance to travel.

My parents live hundreds of miles away and things are better for it. They would come and stay for a week and help out in severe cicumstances, but not every month. Nor would I expect them to.

So minimal help here and don't expect any more help. Have you asked the grandparents what they want to do about it, if they'd be willing to help more if you lived closer?

**Ca Plane Pour Moi** · October 2nd, 2011, 09:56 PM

double post

**megs** · October 2nd, 2011, 10:09 PM

I have found that I have needed the support of my MIL more, i currently have 1 at school, 1 at kinder and 1 childcare. I was working 2 days a week and I found my MIL really handy as she would pick up son from school and one from kinder ( I could of used after school care etc but she like to spend some time with them) also was helpful with after school activities etc.

I'm not working now as I'm having another baby but I can see with my older 2 at school next year she will come in handy for those odd times where I need some help getting kids from a to b etc.

**mambo** · October 3rd, 2011, 07:42 PM

I am currently looking into childcare so the inlaws will look after the boys 2 days and 1 day they will be in cc. My inlaws are great with the boys and they love looking after them - I guess what im trying to say is for those who have been lucky enough to have family support, is it something you found more important as the kids got older?.

Megs- I can see that when the kids are small and they are each in different care it definately helps being able to have family around who are willing to pick one of the kids up from school or kinder. Thats made me think that the family support is more needed when the kids are small as once they are all in school you have the option of before/after school care.

Hope this makes sense..thanks everyone for responding and sharing your experience.

**~Gee_Whizzy~** · October 4th, 2011, 09:48 AM

Big

my beautiful friend....its such a hard decision :/ - I can't speak from experience other than C's 4 kids, and i know for her the PIL and Dad were helpful when the kids were little, but having said that, all her kids eventually went into CC (except for A) at about 9 months as she went back to work after each pregnancy. Now that they are all school age, even though O's dad lives with them, the kids go into after or before school care and holidays are now spent in the school holiday program as both C & O are working full time now.

Now, AFM, i'm selfish and don't want you to move far from me so i say don't move if its only for two years!!

but seriously matie, you have to do what you feel is right for you guys and what you're comfortable with. big squishy

**mambo** · October 4th, 2011, 01:20 PM

Thanks hun :hug - it is such a hard decision and im so scared of making the wrong one!! Wish i had a crystal ball and could see into the future

i honestly dont know how yr sis did it with 4...im struggling to think how im going to do it with 2!!! ahh desicions decisions...thanks for the hugs and advice...if its any consilation id prefer to stay put...its what im used to and i feel sort of central to everyone...but then come those moments when living closer to the inlaws wld come in handy...ahh i just dunno :dunno

**~Gee_Whizzy~** · October 4th, 2011, 02:20 PM

Thanks hun :hug - it is such a hard decision and im so scared of making the wrong one!! Wish i had a crystal ball and could see into the future

i honestly dont know how yr sis did it with 4...im struggling to think how im going to do it with 2!!! ahh desicions decisions...thanks for the hugs and advice...if its any consilation id prefer to stay put...its what im used to and i feel sort of central to everyone...but then come those moments when living closer to the inlaws wld come in handy...ahh i just dunno

its a hard one mate....i guess like you said, you have to weigh up necessity vs convenience? i know also that moving away from your dad would be playing on your mind too

As for C, i know she put the kids in CC both for convenience and for her sanity, plus neither PIL or Dad could look after all 4 of them together because it was too much for them.

FWIW, (me personally) i'd do the CC thing only because, like you said, once school comes into the factor there are more options available for care and to also work your work hours around school hours. If the next house is going to be your "forever" house, you want to like it and be 100% sure of the area etc. yes it would mean being closer to the PIL, but the boys aren't going to need to be looked after forever so you also need to weigh up your long term views and where you want to be? I know S isn't keen on the CC option, but if his parents are struggling now to look after the boys would moving closer to them take away that struggle? Yes, you guys wouldn't be "in their faces" for 3 days but they'd still have the boys for the 3 days while you guys are at work yes? or would you still look at the CC option for the 1 day?

Gahhhh....i feel for you hun, but i guess you need to look at both the "here and now" as well as your long term happiness

**mambo** · October 4th, 2011, 07:04 PM

its a hard one mate....i guess like you said, you have to weigh up necessity vs convenience? i know also that moving away from your dad would be playing on your mind too

As for C, i know she put the kids in CC both for convenience and for her sanity, plus neither PIL or Dad could look after all 4 of them together because it was too much for them.

FWIW, (me personally) i'd do the CC thing only because, like you said, once school comes into the factor there are more options available for care and to also work your work hours around school hours. If the next house is going to be your "forever" house, you want to like it and be 100% sure of the area etc. yes it would mean being closer to the PIL, but the boys aren't going to need to be looked after forever so you also need to weigh up your long term views and where you want to be? I know S isn't keen on the CC option, but if his parents are struggling now to look after the boys would moving closer to them take away that struggle? Yes, you guys wouldn't be "in their faces" for 3 days but they'd still have the boys for the 3 days while you guys are at work yes? or would you still look at the CC option for the 1 day?

Gahhhh....i feel for you hun, but i guess you need to look at both the "here and now" as well as your long term happiness

yep i know exactly what you mean matie...and thats why ive been struggling with it bc it feels like it wld be a good move now but not necessarily later itms?

even if we did move closer to the inlaws im still planning on getting the boys into cc 1 day a week cause i think 3 days is too much (even tho mil swears its fine) but i can see shes tired and like ive told s its not fair on her. She already has 2 other babys there (and a partime one) to look after

. The other option ive thought of is possibly selling and renting closer that way i get to see exactly what im buying into. Its a big decision, lots of $$ involved and like you said i want the next house to be my forever house so i want to make sure were all going to be happy there. One thing we know is that we do want a house...its getting too squishy here and id love the boys to have some grass to play on. Its just a matter of where

**~Gee_Whizzy~** · October 4th, 2011, 09:57 PM

yep i know exactly what you mean matie...and thats why ive been struggling with it bc it feels like it wld be a good move now but not necessarily later itms?

even if we did move closer to the inlaws im still planning on getting the boys into cc 1 day a week cause i think 3 days is too much (even tho mil swears its fine) but i can see shes tired and like ive told s its not fair on her. She already has 2 other babys there (and a partime one) to look after

. The other option ive thought of is possibly selling and renting closer that way i get to see exactly what im buying into. Its a big decision, lots of $$ involved and like you said i want the next house to be my forever house so i want to make sure were all going to be happy there. One thing we know is that we do want a house...its getting too squishy here and id love the boys to have some grass to play on. Its just a matter of where

yeah it makes sense to try before you buy! and

at the other babies still there!

**Mak** · October 5th, 2011, 06:57 AM

Ok so just from another perspective. Things can change pretty quickly but I think it is important for you to make your lives as easy as possible but also as enjoyable as possible ITMS? For us we moved away from DH's folks to be close to work as we knew that work hours were long and that even if the IL's were able to help initially there was no guarantee that would continue as they are not young and not 100% health wise. The area we moved to offers more in terms of lifestyle for the kids than where we were. So more parks, better schools/kinder/child care options and also is close to the beach. So a better long term compromise for our family.
I will admit is has not been easy and we have to pay for childcare and also a babysitter if required but to be honest we are only about 45mins away and it is still possible but they are less keen than all the 'promises' ITMS. I understand that as it is hard work having 2 young kids and the family dynamics have also changed with other grandchildren being born. I also have found that because we don't rely on anyone else we are able to suit ourselves a bit in terms of family issues and not get caught up in some of the drama (but that could just be my family, lol).
Is there a way you can minimise your travel but still be close enough to commute? I would be trying to find a solution that suits you as a family first with consideration on where you want to be long term and how you feel about after school care etc. Good luck!

**mambo** · October 5th, 2011, 11:53 AM

Ok so just from another perspective. Things can change pretty quickly but I think it is important for you to make your lives as easy as possible but also as enjoyable as possible ITMS? For us we moved away from DH's folks to be close to work as we knew that work hours were long and that even if the IL's were able to help initially there was no guarantee that would continue as they are not young and not 100% health wise. The area we moved to offers more in terms of lifestyle for the kids than where we were. So more parks, better schools/kinder/child care options and also is close to the beach. So a better long term compromise for our family.
I will admit is has not been easy and we have to pay for childcare and also a babysitter if required but to be honest we are only about 45mins away and it is still possible but they are less keen than all the 'promises' ITMS. I understand that as it is hard work having 2 young kids and the family dynamics have also changed with other grandchildren being born. I also have found that because we don't rely on anyone else we are able to suit ourselves a bit in terms of family issues and not get caught up in some of the drama (but that could just be my family, lol).
Is there a way you can minimise your travel but still be close enough to commute? I would be trying to find a solution that suits you as a family first with consideration on where you want to be long term and how you feel about after school care etc. Good luck!

Thanks for sharing your experience Mak, I guess it all comes down to doing what is best for my family. I have been racking my brain about all this for months and last night I decided to draw up a 'pros' and 'cons' list of outcomes if I stay where I am opposed to moving closer to the inlaws. I know I dont want to have to put my kids in cc 3 times a week, and i know if I stay where I am and continue working thats what I would have to do. Although i know that would only be a short term thing its not something im comfortable with doing even if it is only for another 2 or 3 years.

So in saying that I think there is my answer

**~Gee_Whizzy~** · October 5th, 2011, 02:57 PM

Thanks for sharing your experience Mak, I guess it all comes down to doing what is best for my family. I have been racking my brain about all this for months and last night I decided to draw up a 'pros' and 'cons' list of outcomes if I stay where I am opposed to moving closer to the inlaws. I know I dont want to have to put my kids in cc 3 times a week, and i know if I stay where I am and continue working thats what I would have to do. Although i know that would only be a short term thing its not something im comfortable with doing even if it is only for another 2 or 3 years.

So in saying that I think there is my answer

- on the plus side, at least you get along with your PIL!!

**mambo** · October 5th, 2011, 06:45 PM

[QUOTE=~Negrita~;2943400]

- on the plus side, at least you get along with your PIL!!

[/QkUOTE]

Although we get along matie, i still need my buffer zone!!

**~Gee_Whizzy~** · October 5th, 2011, 08:26 PM

- on the plus side, at least you get along with your PIL!!

Although we get along matie, i still need my buffer zone!!

better than me mate! and yay for making a decision! i mean i'm sad, but you know where i live and well, i'll figure out how to get to where you will be living!!

**mambo** · October 5th, 2011, 09:06 PM

better than me mate! and yay for making a decision! i mean i'm sad, but you know where i live and well, i'll figure out how to get to where you will be living!!

maybe, as time goes by they will grow on you matie

and trust me im not going to venture out too far...you might evenget to like the area yourself and move close to me!!!! Yayyy!!