You've finished having kids, but does your family feel 'complete'?
I have always wanted 3 children. I cannot explain why, it just seemed to be what I always wanted.
While pregnant with our second child DH and I decided that two was enough. We were older than we had hoped/planned (LTTTC) and without any family support, and with a pregnancy and birth that was not our ideal.
But i feel incomplete. I adore my boys and their life is very good. Another child would turn their life upside down. We'd have less money, i'd be returning to work even later, our life right now is good. We are so fortunate to have two healthy children and two healthy parents.
But i feel like i'm not finished. I want another pregnancy, another chance at birth, another child in my family.
Did you feel finished/complete? Or did you just let common sense decide that your family was complete. Does the feeling of longing eventually go? Did you want more kids, but looking back now you are happy that you stopped when you did?
I guess i'm worried that I will always look back and just ache that i didn't at least try.
I am pregnant with our fourth child - and I still feel that this is not my last baby. I desperately want that feeling of completion. I want to know in my heart that I am finished with having children. Maybe (hopefully!) that will happen after this birth. Maybe some women never attain that feeling of completion. Maybe I will have to grieve and take time to accept that this is my last baby. I am always impressed with women who can confidently say 'I am done' and know it in their heart. I am scared that that will not happen for me, and that I will always have that longing.
I think in my case, I will just have to let common sense prevail, rather than my heart.
So, I guess I am saying that you may always have that longing or you may -with time- be able to grieve and move on to acceptance.
All the best.
is your llife sogood that theres no room for that love again?
i think you know what u want but you're trying to convince us to change your mind
Yes your lives will change, but they wont be turned upside down, and life will be just as good if you have another baby
I hear you Lenny! DH has lots of great logical reasons that I completely get BUT if I am honest I'd love another 2. I don't do pregnancy well at all and we have no support either but I'd still like more. I understand why his reasons are the line in the sand for him tho and they are very sensible and sane.
Hugs to you.
That's it Ash. I guess i want to know if you ever feel like 'yep, i'm done and i'm happy', or is it more common that we let external factors decide and you just learn to accept it?
Mak - so, do you think you'll forever wonder? Or is your head and heart starting to move on too?
Skybie - lol, i don't think DH would be impressed if i told him we were having a third 'cos the BB girls convinced me!
For a while I desperately wanted another baby but DH didn't. I was really angry with him at the time but now in retrospect I'm very grateful he stuck to his guns. It took me a while to get there but now I really do feel like our family is complete. I would be horrified if I got pregnant again.
That said, I'm not a very maternal person and I never had a pre-conceived notion about what shape of family I wanted in fact until well into my first pregnancy I wasn't even sure that I did want children.
Unfortunately for me it was my personal circumstances that dictated how many children I have. I left my XH when my younger son was one.
If I had married the right person we would have had five kids. We've had that discussion. Unfortunately for both of us, he's married to someone else...
So for me, it was circumstances. It would take an exceptional man in extraordinary circumstances for me to have any more children. I don't think it's going to happen.
Having said that... A very wise woman once said to me... It's not what you DO that you regret, it's what you DON'T do...
When we had three kids, we had every good logical reason in the book to not have any more. I felt really unsettled with the idea because I always wanted four. I was BFing DD2 so we didn't worry too much about contraception but we weren't really trying for a fourth.
Thankfully nature made up it's mind for us and I got pregnant with DS2. I feel finished now. Both DH and I have a peace about our family and our children. There is no desire to have anymore and I, like Onyx, would feel quite horrified to be pregnant again. I didn't feel funny or regretful about DH getting a vasectomy. I was quite relieved to be honest. It is kind of odd packing up baby clothes for the last time as DS2 grows out of them and giving away our baby furniture as he no longer needs it. It's not a regretful feeling at all, more a feeling of achievement that we are done with it all and won't be needing it again.
I wondered after I had my first and second babies, and even my third, whether I would ever really feel done. I was worried that I would go through a grieving stage that there would be no more babies, but I haven't. I am completely settled with the idea now and I am really looking forward to what we are going to be able to do in the future.
I was always going to have 3 children. With a 24 month gap between each. Unfortunately my body wasn't ok with my plans and took a different route. Instead I had 2 miscarriages between my two children and it took over 24 months to conceive number 2. I always said I wanted to have all my children by the time I was 30. Now whilst I understand other people don't have the luxury, or choose to do differently this was my choice. So given that after DS was born and the 4 year gap that was, we decided our family was finished. It took me a while to accept that I wouldn't have number 3. I would LOVE to give birth again. But I'm not sure I could happily raise another baby. Not now. Now is my time. Time for me to focus on my life choices, my relationship with my husband and be the best mother I can be to my two beautiful children. I think if I conceived now I would be devastated. I have no regrets, I don't think I ever will. I guess what helped me to come to this realisation was the fact that Motherhood is only a part of who I am. It does not define me. I do not want to be the person that when my children have left home I am lost and I have no connection with my life partner. For our children are a major part in our lives (by that I mean they will eventually have their own lives separate from us) for such a short while and I will make the most of it, but I will not focus solely on them for I do not want to lose my partner who will be a major part in my life for as long as I live. Please don't read that to suggest that I don't love my children as much as my partner, for it isn't so. But it is different. And realising that motherhood is not forever was a big part in how I was able to resolve my birthing days are over.
I was never having any children, both of our girls were 'surprises' and i wouldn't change them for the world but we don't want any more for 2 reasons.
I think a family of 4 is a good number (for me) in the sense we don't have to stress about bigger cars, more rooms etc.
We also decided we couldn't afford more children, while we obviously WOULD afford another we don't want to, we would rather provide what we can for the 2 we have (and at times that is limited) than in the years to come have regrets in saying we couldn't do things because we had #3.
I donb't feel any desire to have another, i'm not at all disappointed that we only want 2 but i do think given the opportunity to birth again i would enjoy the experience.... i just don't want more kids myself
I always had the "unexplained" wanting three children thing as well. Andrew was adamant he only wanted two and after Lachlan's birth I was done. But it got to that stage where the idea of another kept playing on my mind and not before long Ashton was on his way. After 3 I am definitely 100% done now.
I can say in all honesty that now I feel complete. I was so unsure for a long time because I have loved being pregnant, I'm very maternal and on top of it all DH has and still would like another. I wish I could tell you how I actually got to this stage of feeling complete but I think you just know inside of you ITMS.
We decided that 4, possibly 5 kids would see us done, then we had 3 and for a while we did the 'will we have another baby' thing for ages and I would think that I was done, but then I would realise that I wasn't happy with only 3. Now that we've had our 4th and he's at the age where life is a million times easier because he is a child and not a baby, we know we are 200% COMPLETE! We knew that before he was even born we would be done and DH had a vasectomy when he was 5 monhs old, but it still took a long time for me to emotionally decide that kwim? The head knew but the heart took a lot longer to catch up. Now I am at the point where if the vasectomy failed and we had an accidental pregnancy, I would more than likely terminate it. A new baby just does not fit into our life plans and I just cannot see myself going back to the baby stage again.
I felt the same way. I always wanted 3 children. DH only wanted one at first but agreed to 2. We had fertility treatment to assist with getting pregnant with DS1 (Hormone injections) and DS2 (clomid) and i refused to let dh get the snip after #2. I don't think he was THAT against a third, he has always given me what i want. I wanted 3. I did not feel our family was complete after 2. I fell pregnant naturally with DS3. I was thrilled, DH, not so much. But he accepted it. He occasionally says he wishes we stopped at 2 (usually when talking about finances) but he adores our 3rd boy... DS's personality certainly is very lovable!
Since he was born, even though i still long for a daughter, i feel my family is 100% complete.
Had never really thought of how many just knew more than one, now we have two definitely feel complete and if had had two girls or two boys would still have felt complete. I am not very maternal and if it was possible to have them come out at 2 years old would have done it - I love children but not babies. Both DH and I are eldest of three but two is definitely enough for us.
I have always wanted 3 kids and still do but DH says no 2 only and always has said that.
I can understand his reasoning but it still makes me feel sad as I would love to be preg again and have a newborn baby BUT, I also love the fact that both my boys are getting more and more indedependant and interacting so much more. I can ask them both to do things and they will or will try.
I actually just mentioned this in my baby buddy thread
After my DS and DD I still did not feel complete. I was going through a grieving process for the baby that I was never going to have because DH definitely did not want any more kids (for a number of reasons including his age, the fact that we have 2 kids together and his 2 kids from a previous marriage living with us etc).
Turns out life had other plans for us and I am now 14 weeks pregnant with our 3rd child together. The funny thing is that this baby hasn't even arrived yet and I am already feeling that "complete" feeling. I know that once this baby arrives I will feel that our family is complete and that I won't want anymore children. Ok, so there will probably be times when I get clucky seeing other newborns, but never to the point that I would actually really want to fall pregnant again and have another of my own.
You've finished having kids, but does your family feel 'complete'?
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i really love my 2 and i dont think i could handle 3 but im not 100% sure KWIM?
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