First grandchild and navigating Christmas...

[lee09]

Hello everyone. Hope I've posted this in the right place!

Just wondering how others manage to make everyone happy at Christmas and on other special days. DS is the first grandchild in my family and the first by just a month on DH's side too. My parents are separated and live in the same city as me and DH. DH's family lives interstate. I have a large family and there are often dramas between my parents and siblings.

There's already "discussion" about how to plan Christmas this year, and part of the dynamic is where we'll be with DS. We've already agreed to stay here with my family, but being from a fractured family, that doesn't make life that much easier.

And I'm kind of dreading the years we go to stay with DH's family - in part because I know it will make some members of my family upset, but also because I've always imagined our kids spending Christmas Eve with us at home, and waking up on Christmas morning from their own beds after Santa has been, and having that morning, at least, with just me, DH and our children playing with their toys. The thought of sleeping at his parents' place at that special time, and following their traditions (which are very different to mine) makes me sad and anxious. I'm not sure why, and I know I have to compromise, but it makes me feel uneasy.

Anyway, looking forward to reading other people's experiences.

[Rivlas]

Grandparent here:

When our girls were small we travelled to either parent, one set one year the other the following.

Once they were old enough to enjoy and want to play we started our own tradition. It was my Mum who suggested this as she knew how much trouble it would be to travel and carry all the presents without them seeing them.

We always rang our parents on christmas day and the girls would talk to them if they wanted.

Now as grandparents we travel to them as it is easier this way. We have lunch with them where we all do something towards the meal and then they sometimes go to the other grandparents if they haven't also had lunch with us.
Many a year we had lunch with just the girls and started a BBQ tradition which was fun and relaxing. They usually wouldn't eat much as they wanted to play with their toys and were starting to get tired. We often gave them a book so they had to have a rest after lunch and read that.

To make up for not having Christmas with grandparents we sometimes spent New Year with them.

[TeniBear]

My FIL and his wife lost the right to Xmas with us last year when he said that this year we'll do a proper Xmas with a "real" baby. So I'm not even going to consider spending a moment of time with them.

If DH has a day or two off around then by some miracle, we'll be going up with my parents to their holiday place. I hate spending Xmas away from them. It doesn't feel like Xmas without them!

[Rowellen]

Tenibear. That's harsh.

We had Xmas at our place & invited both sets of grandparents for the last two years. After the first time I said "Never again" but DH vetoed me last year. Both sets of Grandparents are local though. This year, we are going to PIL's for lunch as DH's brother is visiting from far far away. I haven't told my parents yet though. Could be drama. I want to stay home in the morning & do pressies etc for ourselves on our own. This is the first year that DS will really know what's going on. Last year he was excited about Santa & presents but he didn't really know what was happening. My mum will probably want to have a breakfast at her place with my brother & sister as well though. Not looking forward to that conversation

[Jennifer13]

Welcome to the world of parenting with ILs.

First of all, we decide what works for us each year. If I would like to go visit my family interstate, usually because we haven't done it for a year or two at Xmas, then that's what we organise. If we're here, we decide if we want to have Xmas at our house with the ILs invited, or not. Or sometimes we go away straight after Xmas for our own family holiday. Some years we like to take a family holiday alone, or with friends, or to visit extended family.

Once we've chosen what we want to do, we let our families know. This year, we aren't committing to anything on Xmas Day, but normally we allocate some time with MIL that includes BIL and SIL if we are in town. Basically, if plans don't mesh, they don't mesh. We refuse to get bogged down in the politics. Like you, we like to have our Xmas morning at home with present opening, etc. Everyone else for us comes after our own family and our DD.

So far, we've had very little upset over Xmas. Which is very surprising given the amount of kerfuffle my MIL can create at other times of the year! In our case, we're never sure how things are going to be between us and my MIL and then between my MIL and BIL/SIL, so it's impossible to plan around them.

This year, I have the perfect excuse not to host Xmas and not to lock in anything definite. We'll be playing it by ear, pretty much on the day. We've said we will most likely come over some time during the morning, as long as I'm not in labour, but we won't commit to staying for any length of time. And we don't expect anyone to make any plans around us.

[Traveller]

When we lived in Scotland we were a few hours away (all in different directions) from the grandparents so we had a simple rule that Christmas was just DH, the kids and I and we would see everyone else in the preceding or following weeks. It worked very well and our kids always had a relaxed Christmas in their own home. I couldn't imagine doing it any other way until they were a lot older TBH, the hassle of shipping presents around the country just doesn't appeal to me. Also my traditions and DH's traditions differ wildly so this we we can set our own family traditions for our kids to argue about with their spouses when they are older.

[nickle730]

DH and I used to try to see both families on christmas day, but I hate spending the day in the car. Then we tried doing everyone together at our house, but my mum and my MIL don't get along. A few years ago we decided to do year about with our families, but I don't like my MIL either and I resent spending the day with her and not seeing my own family.

We have just moved to a new house on 2.5 acres. This year we will have christmas at our house and all family will be invited. If my mum and MIL can't manage a day together with so much space to avoid each other, tough luck! Their problem, not mine. (Good god, I hope they don't kill each other...!!)

[Kazzo]

We do DH family on Christmas day and My family on Boxing day. Works great ATM. We always did boxing day for my family because when my brother and myself were young everyone thought it would be nice to get to enjoy the presents we just opened instead of sitting in a car and going here there and everywhere. Then my Aunty had kids and the same was done for them.

I would love to be able to do this for my girls when they get a bit older but DH family will see it as a slap in the face that we don't want to spend the day with them. Although getting them to ever come to our place is near impossible.

[Rowellen]

(Good god, I hope they don't kill each other...!!)

Could solve some problems if they do

[nickle730]

Lol... I just hope my mum wins.

[~Hestia~]

I am of the belief that Christmas is for the kiddies, so we'll always be at home for the holiday. My family doesn't have a problem with this as we catch up the week or two before Christmas and have the big family gathering then. I don't know how DH's family feels about it as they have never said anything. But as he is an only child and his parents are divorced there was never really any big thing anyway. Before having kids usually DH or I or both of us were working due to the nature of our jobs so we never really had the expectation to be part of family things anyway ITMS. But despite all this, I can't imagine my kids waking up anywhere other than their own beds on Christmas morning. Hope you can work something out that keeps everyone happy

[Cranky Kitten]

I'll admit this one has been worrying me a bit this year too - Christmas is a complicated time at the best of times for us and we're looking at cutting down the amount of stuff we're committed to. Previously we have done the following:

Christmas eve - dinner with XP, his other XGF and our assorted kids.
Christmas morning - quickie for ourselves then over to XP's for DD to open Santa presents before they go to his family for breakfast.
Christmas lunch - pick up DD from X's family gathering to go to IL's
Christmas night - BBQ with friends, usually at our place
Boxing day - lunch with my family.

As you can see, it's just a little bit insane. We'd normally spend a good third of the day in the car or on the phone co-ordinating this - this year we'll have a newborn and have decided that DD is now old enough to decide if she wants to be at our place for Christmas or at her dad's. So we'll most likely have our own little family Christmas at home on christmas eve/morning, then head out to the IL's for lunch before heading back home again. Then my family on Boxing day.

A little concerned because thus far XP has been a bit resistant to the idea of DD deciding against seeing him or his family until after Christmas and DD doesn't want to upset him but has said she really wants to be with us for her little brother's first Christmas. Ah well, still a couple of months to nut it all out...

[sloane]

DP & i were just discussing this today - my take is that once you have kids, you can set your own traditions! of course, this isn't always easy!

DS was the first grandchild on my side & the 2nd by 4 months on DP's. the first christmas was fine - we stayed at home & people came to us. they either came for a quick visit or for lunch & the ones that came for lunch brought food. last year we went to DP's brother & sil's (and my parents came too - i'm an only child). everyone brought something & so the hosts didn't have to do all the work. but we did spend the morning at home opening presents with DS - my parents came over & so did DP's mum.

i think it's nice to be a little flexible, but ultimately your family (i mean you, your DH & DS) comes first. if there is something you really want to do (or not do), don't feel like you have to.

[LuluHB]

We alternate Christmas between my family (tiny) and DH's (HUUUUGE). Always Christmas morning at home for the girls to unwrap presents and us to be together. If its my family's turn, then lunch at our place for a really relaxed day. We will have a family gathering with DH's family the week before Christmas, and then usually see his parents on Boxing Day.

If its DH's family's turn my folks will come to our place Christmas morning for the girls' presents. Then its off to whichever SIL's for the entire day and evening. Bit much TBH but hard not to rock the boat when it is a close knit family. This year (DH's family) I'm hoping to have Christmas at our house for everyone. We've finished all our renos, got so much more space than anyone else and the girls have reached the stage where they don't want to unwrap a new present only to have to put it away an hour later when we go out.

Nickle730 - don't forget to include dam building in your Christmas preparations. Excellent place to hide a body or two

[Beautiful Disaster]

My DH parents live interstate and they didnt want to come up so we wont be going there. My mum is here and I think we will be doing something with Her and my Nan (possibly last xmas) and my Sis wont have my nephew till the arvo so will prob just be a quiet lunch.

[Teeki]

We've had issues over this too. This year DD will only be 6 months old, and as she won't really 'get it' yet we'll be doing the same as previous years. It's a lot of driving and it sucks. We alternate which family does what, but this year it's:

Christmas Eve: 3 hour drive to inlaws
Christmas lunch: with the inlaws, then 1 hour drive to my family
Christmas dinner: with my family
Boxing Day: 2 hour drive home

Next year we'll be in a new bigger house, and DD will be 18 months. We suggested having the whole two families at our place - most likely staying a couple of nights, but I love the idea of having everyone there and hosting it. I reckon it'll be much better for DD. Everyone was excited at the idea except for MIL & FIL - they don't like to travel apparently, and reckon it'd be easier to drag our 18 month old all over instead of them making one trip.

I realise though, that we can't do that every year. I think we may just have to stretch it out so we're not driving every day.

[Taurean]

I'm yet to tackle the request from my inlaws to travel interstate for Christmas but I already know, as harsh as it sounds, I'll be flat out refusing. I'll be more than happy to have Christmas a week early or later with them but that's all. My reason is mainly that they don't really get into Christmas anyway, while it's a huge deal to my family, so I don't want to waste a special day if they don't make the effort anyway.

DD didn't get anything from them for her first Christmas and I doubt she'll get anything this year either. They bought her a crummy tourist t-shirt (from their home town, where DH grew up ) for her 2nd birthday last month and didn't even bother to wrap it. There was no card either. I know presents don't mean everything but that just makes my blood boil!

My other issue I have is there is two of them and there will be 4 of us soon so it's a hell of a lot easier for them to travel if they insist on being with us for Christmas. But the whole day really doesn't float their boat (I know how disapointed I'd be with their lack of effort and enthusiasm) so I'm hoping they'll be happy with the week before or week after option should they ever bring it up.

Another thing is my parents moved interstate to be with me and my sister (and their grandkids of course ) so I'd hate to leave them. Our family goes nuts at Christmas and I really want my kids to grow up with the same feelings towards Christmas.

Good luck with it all. It's tough

[beansbeans!]

I am in a pretty lucky and unlucky situation, dependingn on how you look at it. DH works Christmas, he's a chef. He doesnt get time off over the public holidays at all. So for us, we dont travel anywhere as its impossible for us to be together as a family. Thats the lucky bit, my family are interstate, the IL's well they live round the corner but only turn up so they can polish their grandparent badge, not because they want to.

So Christmas day we get up in the morning and have our family time, opening pressies, having an awesome brekky. Depending on what shift DH has, we work the day round him. If he has the early shift then the girls and I have a relaxed lunch and I let them go nuts with their toys. DH normally comes home at the designated time that his parents are turning up for pressies. Then if he has to night shift then he heads off as we say goodbye to them.

Both our families know that if they want to spend christmas with us then they need to travel to us. We told both families when DD1 was born that we wanted our children to spend christmas in their own beds whilst they believed in the childhood magic of christmas. Both sides also understand that with DH working we will not spend a public holiday away from our core (as they are extended family now; Dh, myself and our children are core family to us)

So my point I would do what will make you happy. theres no point trying to make everyone happy because in the end you will be the one who loses out.