What would you do? **may be distressing**

**Stevie** · November 11th, 2011, 05:21 PM

**didnt know where to put this?**

I have a girlfriend who has recently confided in me about her and her husbands relationship..

They have been together for a few years, and they've always been rough. always had problems.
She told me that many a times he has hurt her.. not just like hit her.. he has strangled her, held knives (and various objects) up to her throat.
She went into a bit of detail of the things that has happened between him and her.
They have a younge child together and she is so scared of the lifestyle this child is going tohave to grow up with,

i told her she shouldnt be putting up with him, i basically told her she should get out! Did i do the right thing?
what would you do?

**Miss.B** · November 11th, 2011, 05:24 PM

Sorry to hear about your friend. I would tell her to do what is best for her and her child.

**Stevie** · November 11th, 2011, 05:28 PM

I would tell her to do what is best for her and her child.

That is basically what i have tried to put across to her. that in the end her child and herself shouldnt be putting up with that kind of treatment.

**~Kim~** · November 11th, 2011, 05:44 PM

I probably would have said the same thing. However, DV is something so horrendous in our society that I would doubt she's ever told anyone. That is an enormous step for a victim.
Tread gently. Hear her and listen and be unbiased. She needs to make the decision to change (and possibly endanger) her life. Don't discount her choices. You may not agree with them or be annoyed she hasn't taken your advice, but it doesn't take much to ruin trust.
If she asks for advice/info offer to help her find it.

what a tough and sad position. I hope your friend finds her peace.

**Maruschke** · November 11th, 2011, 05:46 PM

Do you have space at home for her to leave an emergency 'running away from home kit' at your place if she needs it? Like a few clothes for her child, one toy, anything that you would absolutely must have for a few days to get on your feet again? I feel terrible for her. It's fantastic she opened up and I hope she can find a way out of this nightmare.

**kelebek** · November 11th, 2011, 06:26 PM

short answer yes

long answer don't leave it at that.... let her know that if she does stay that you are still there for her, does she want to leave? what does she need to leave? maybe suggest counselling so that she can 'see' her own way out and that she does deserve more. It often takes many attempts, many plans to leave a DV situation so don't be surprised if she doesn't want to leave straight away.

**Stevie** · November 11th, 2011, 06:35 PM

Of course my home is open to her.
and i realise its just not as simple as walking away.
I will always be there no matter what she decides, i just want to see her happy and living the life she deserves.

**Maruschke** · November 11th, 2011, 06:43 PM

Of course my home is open to her.
and i realise its just not as simple as walking away.
I will always be there no matter what she decides, i just want to see her happy and living the life she deserves.

That's wonderful... I think in addition it might help to outline to her the practical ways you are there for here, rather than just emphasising how much you care (which is awesome). Like... how many spare beds you have, clothes, emergency cash, I'm sure others can think of other practical things which she might really appreciate. I hope this hasn't come across the wrong way, you are already doing such a wonderful thing for your friend by being a listening ear.

My mother had to run away, so it's kinda close to my heart.

**briggsy's girl** · November 11th, 2011, 06:49 PM

i agree with the others - tread carefully, but let her know the practical options for help if/when she talks to you about her situation

unfortunately, sometimes it is safer for someone to stay in the DV situation while they sort everything out to leave - they have to sort themselves out physically and emotionally, they have to get their game plan worked out - and then they have to get brave enough to leave. and sometimes, no matter how close a friend you are to them, they have to fully flee - both for their own safety, and for that of their friends/loved ones. if this happens, don't take it personally that you have been shut out. sometimes, it just has to happen

the family relationships advice line are a helpful resource for referrals locally - either you can call them for some advice, or you can give your friend the number

good on you for listening and being there - hopefully she will get to a point where she can leave him - but being there while she remains there is really important too - it can be hard watching your friend "accept" being a victim, but she needs you now - she's opened up for a reason.

**LuluHB** · November 11th, 2011, 08:05 PM

I think you did the right thing too, and I also agree with BG. Sadly, sometimes fleeing to a friend is more dangerous than staying put - and I would never advocate staying put with any kind of violence. I lost a work colleague years ago because she had not run far enough.

As the others have said, its fantastic that she is opening up to you so if you can continue to be supportive that's great. Unfortunately it can be very frustrating for the person on the outside that knows leaving is the answer, but the victim is too scared to (with very good reason). She will need a huge amount of planning in place to make her escape successful if that's the road she decides to go down - bank account, change of name organised so she is harder to track etc. One of the first things she should do is notify the police (once she leaves, not beforehand as that can inflame the situation for her at home). There are also shelters where women and children can stay - their presence is kept anonymous and it is a relatively safe place to stay for the very short term. It could be worth investigating where these shelters are, whether she can just turn up etc.

Good luck to you and your friend. I can't imagine what it must be like to live in that kind of environment.

**bellabee84** · November 11th, 2011, 08:09 PM

I have been in this situation be fore and i did everythin i could to help her i gave her a room at my house myself and my husband drove to her house got her things (much to the boyfriends anger ) and told him to stay away he tried calling many times (this was the 5th time we told her to leave and it finally suck in) but in the end gave up now she is in a happy healthy relationship...i think all you can do is offer her help to move on and be there no matter what and wait

**Chocaholic** · November 12th, 2011, 05:26 AM

I agree with the others. Keep the lines of communication open and if she needs you to, do the research for her. This will mean the husband can't find out.

Does he let her see you often? Maybe start spending more time together so she can get some more "safe" time to think.

GL to you and your friend.

Oh, and ask her if you can talk to your DH. Getting him onside might make it easier if she runs to your place when it is the right time.

**HotI** · November 12th, 2011, 06:28 AM

A friend of mine was in a DV relationship for about 4 years. It was tough cos we both knew it wasn't right, but she wasn't ready to leave yet. And she didn't have kids to consider. I just kept our friendship open, even when i didn't agree with her decisions, cos i knew one day she would be ready and at thay time she would need friends to get her through. Other friends found it much harder to keep the relationship up, when it just didn't make sense to them.

Hope your mate can find her way out safely.

**diannescruffy** · November 12th, 2011, 08:11 AM

It must have taken a lot of courage for her to open up to you, sounds like a cry for help. All you can really do is let her know what options she has and just being there for her.

Regards,
Dianne